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Reviews for To Belong

By : BringtheHawt
  • From ANON - Con on August 07, 2013
    I feel like it's probably been a very long time since Noah went after anyone truly dangerous. I wonder if his cavalier attitude will hold when confronted with Booker's resourcefulness.
    I'm enjoying the story a lot.
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  • From ANON - Paul Perkins on August 07, 2013
    I think the guy above me is being stupid. Forgetting who people are is his problem, not your, and unnecessary details are unnecessary. I would prefer to see mostly Booker and Elisabeth for the sex, but do what you want, not what other people want
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  • From ANON - Paul Perkins on August 07, 2013
    Love where your going with this, the action is as good as the sex and plot. Keep up the good work!
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  • From AgentGv01 on August 07, 2013
    I hate to say this but I didn't like chapter 3 at all, it was boring me to the point that I couldn't finish it. There are just too many new characters without any kind of decent set up, you started jumping around scene after scene some going by so quickly that I wondered why they were even scenes to begin with. I mean how did Eliabeth get a job like that so easily? That's something that should have been shown instead of just saying 'she got a job' and that's all we really get.

    Plus with so many OCs in this story it's too hard to keep track of who is who, I don't even remember the names of the people from the previous chapters who he owes money too because they didn't have any names that could stick with you or weren't really built up to the point that I would care for them. I honestly thought they were throw away characters. So then you add in all of the others with no background or build up and...well I started getting lost. I came for a Booker/Elisabeth story and it seems to be moving away from that.I think my interest in the story is gone at this point.

    It just felt like you were rushing through (especially at the start) and taking the focus away too much from the main characters by this point in the story without any decent characters that we would care for (hero or villain types) that can carry the story on their own.
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  • From ANON - Specail1 on August 06, 2013
    I am pleasantly surprised with how well you have captured the characters and created the world that they live in. I am a little surprised with how timid you made Booker with killing people as he had no problem with doing it in the game but I can see why you are doing it. But I love the characters, great writing style, and great romance. Keep it up
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  • From BringtheHawt on August 04, 2013
    Hey Lynna! First I'd like to thank you for your time, helpful criticisms and kind words. I've definitely been looking over the first chapter and will probably make some adjustments for the sake of realism(Ya, girls almost never enjoy their first time -.-). I do want to make a correction to one of your tips though. Hymen's are composed of flesh(they're skin) and they are not deep to the vagina(theyre considered 'external genitalia'). Here's two factual(not pornographic) links with pictures and information: http://www.healthystrokes.com/hymengallery.html and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hymen
    I definitely understand why the lack of realism hurt your enjoyment of the story and I hope if I rewrite the first chapter you get a chance to see it. Thanks again. :D
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  • From Lynna on August 04, 2013
    While this story is very well written, you made some glaring errors regarding female virginity and anatomy:

    First: a hymen isn't fleshy and you can't see it just by spreading the labia. It's placed inside the vagina.
    Second: sex is never pleasant when freshly deflowered. It's quite uncomfortable feeling a man inside afterwards and it takes a few times of intercourse until the raw, sore sensation finally fades and it starts to feel "nice" at first. The real arousal when being penetrated also comes later.
    Third: this story had needed a "first timer/deflowering" warning. I usually wouldn't touch them with a 10-foot pole 'cuz first timer-fics are usually just romanticized, unrealistic fantasies from virginal fanfic writers and how they want their "first" to happen. I'm very, very glad this story is different. Thanks. I'm relieved.
    Fourth: never EVER be rough with a woman's genitals. Especially not the clitoris. It's the most sensitive organ and a lot more sensitive than a man's glans so: never bite, pull, pinch or exercise any other forms of rough treatment. Pressing a guys balls (hard) makes the reader cringe and so does semi-brutal treatment of a female's parts. Even if it isn't meant like that. The same goes for nipples, just sayin'. ;)

    This is meant to be constructive critics. The story is good but the obvious errors regarding female anatomy or how to proceed after deflowering really ruins a bit.
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  • From AgentGv01 on July 31, 2013
    Well chapter 2's plot does make sense as the money he owes will be something he would have to deal with somehow, plus him slowly getting out of his depression and pulling his life back together again. I do wonder if being next to Elizabeth for long periods of time would start to have him get flashes of his other life as a bleedover effect.

    Although I guess Elizabeth can't just tear into a bank vault and get some quick cash as she would have to explain how she got the money. I also wonder how much of her past she will have to reveal (the fate that she's an alternate version of his daughter I don't think he could take so that would be left out) I also wonder if you'll make mention of the new DLC of them being in Rapture before the fall, given in that world it looked like they weren't related. Although will she use some tears to help out like for little things or will she use it for larger reasons?

    Although one thing about the sex part, you had them on a chair and you didn't say he moved her to the table so when he was kissing his way down her stomach I was wondering how the hell that was possible while on a chair until later on you mentioned the table.
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  • From ANON - t19 on July 30, 2013
    Great story, the plot is developing nicely and you write these characters really well! Looking forward to more.
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  • From ANON - Paul Perkins on July 30, 2013
    Thanks for keeping on! Looking forward for more.
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  • From ANON - Anon on July 30, 2013
    Urgh, please don't ruin this by making Elizabeth try to sleep booker's problems off, it's just boring.
    Maybe make them be a crime fighting duo, and Elizabeth gets turned on every time booker is responsible or does someting booker-ish.
    That'd be fun.
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  • From HenshinDaisuke on July 28, 2013
    Very good story, really should continue this.
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  • From ANON - Lynx on July 25, 2013
    I am totally interested in a chapter two if your up to it!!!! This was great kinky and hot!!! Good job.
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  • From ANON - Paul Perkins on July 24, 2013
    I really like and want to see more, how much of a age difference is there?
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  • From AgentGv01 on July 23, 2013
    I saw something similar to this once but it didn't take place after the game, although I'm surprised she doesn't feel a little strange sleeping with some alternate of her own father but still I kind of would like to see more. Like what would happen if she stayed in his life like this, would he eventually pull himself out with her help? Plus I would like to see more of them as you promised more so I hope you follow through.
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