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Reviews for Untitled

By : Sabulana

From ANON - Katonie on August 01, 2006
i loved it! it was so swet. For a while there I thught it was a Jak/Errol pairing (which I don't really enjoy) but it was Torn!SO I loved it and I think you should do a more involved story with the pairing( but only if you want to).
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From ANON - Me Myself and I on December 06, 2005
O_O Bravo!!! Keep up tha excellent work!! *Faves*
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From ANON - Raziel on July 12, 2005
Pretty nice.
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From ANON - Anon on February 21, 2005
I don't love It, I don't hate it...Actually I'm just deeply, deeply disturbed.
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From ANON - Sam on January 29, 2005
Very nice. Except for the pancake thing, I just wasn't feeling the erotica of ~pancakes~. Maybe just the syrup but I think the use of pancakes was a bit over board. It kinda throws me every time I see this fic. But other than that it was great, very sexy, congrats. The whipping was an awesome addition, as was the entire BDSM theme you had going on. Great work and I hope to see more stuff like this out of you in the future. Ja!
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From ANON - CSkerries on December 15, 2004
Um, am I the only reviewer who thinks that putting Jak in a condition that closely mimics the one he was tortured in is a Bad Idea? Not only for Jakko's state of mind, but also for the saftey of the person who put him in that condition? I mean, come on! He's tied down, he doesn't know where he is, he doesn't know who he's with, he can't SEE for crying out loud, and this unknown person is... whipping him. Doesn't being whipped with... whips usually involve pain?

...

This is FAN-fiction, yes? Not Alternate-Universe or an original work? I don't see any warnings of AU-ness, and this is in a FAN-fiction section. As a FAN-fiction that is not giving any substantial reason to ignore MAJOR CANON EVENTS, you have no excuse for "forgetting" about Jakko's two years of torture, especially when that little event would UNDOUBTEDLY be effecting, nay, DRIVING his reactions in a situation where he was bodily dragged off to who-knows-where by who-knows-who so that who-knows-what could be done to him in this fic. The happy-go-lucky Jak from the first game didn't turn bitter for no reason other than landing face-first in concrete at the beginning of the second one; there was a definite and essential-to-the-entire-series reason why he changed and I KNOW you know what that reason was, Miss Author. Wasn't it... what happened in the prison at the beginning of the second game? Where he was "bodily dragged off to who-knows-where by who-knows-who so that who-knows-what could be done to him"? Do you see how your story parallels his experiences prior to being abused and pumped full of dark eco? In the example at the start of the second game, this rather noteable experience of being knocked out and transported to an unknown place (which has happened only ONCE and no doubt stands out VERY much in his roller-coaster life) was followed by pain and metal cages and claustrophobia and Dark Jak. I know that a bed and... pancakes... are a far cry from metal cages and eco injections, but something that heralds a two-year torture-fest will, without a DOUBT, leave quite an... impression on the person who experiences it.

Given the track record of events that have happened to him in the city of Haven, Jak would have absolutely NO reason to believe that his mystery assaulter would want to just have happyinnocentfuntime with him; his rather violent and disturbing encounters have already seen to that. So the reason why he conversed with words instead of fists with his captor cannot POSSIBLY be that he was willing to wait it out and see if the situation improved. Experience has already told him that it is a BAAAAD idea to give other people who have power over him a chance to dig their claws into him. Why Jak is not going into a homicidal rage and ripping out of HANDCUFFS (whereas he previously had shown his ability to rip out of solid metal restraints) as soon as he knows he's in a situation that EXPERIENCE HAS SHOWN will lead to Bad Things happening to him is a total and complete mystery to me.

Forgive me for being redundant, but I do SO hope you know I'm not saying that the bondage, chocolate, and... pancakes... during sex comprise the "Bad Things" I'm referring to. "Bad Things" refers to Jak's experiences. It's the way in which Jak was thrust into a situation in which there is a significant lack of information, in which he is restrained, and in which he definitely has no ability to change the balance of power. And he's blindfolded. Blindfolding people in situations where there is already (or SHOULD already be) definite panic tends to make the panic WORSE. Sight IS the most important sense we have (and I have found no reason to assume that the characters in the J&D series are any different); depriving people of it makes them feel vulnerable. I REALLY can't see Jak as a person who would tolerate something that makes him feel vulnerable, you know? It DOESN'T MATTER if the situation in your fic would have turned into a repeat of "Bad Things" or not: the way in which events were presented to JAK was a noticeable re-enactment of events that preceeded "Bad Things," and if it had ANY sense of self-preservation, his sanity should have been clawing at him to change the situation.

Of course, this is all based on MY assumption that Jakko has not been in a sexual situation where bondage and whips were used. I'd assume not, seeing how Jak couldn't have been with Torn (due to all the obvious reasons why in your fic, and because he doesn't recognize TORN'S voice, of all people), and seeing how you endorse this pairing. Againagain, if Jak has NOT been in a situation where pain was used for sexual pleasure, then his first and strongest reaction from the canon events would be to eliminate the source of pain. He would never ever (barring appropriate events an author would use to explain WHY he was over the whole mental trauma thing) willingly partake in events that would cause him physical pain WHERE HE HAS NO CONTROL, especially in a sexual context where he would be TRUSTING of... whoever. He doesn't "willingly partake in events that would cause him pain WHERE HE HAS NO CONTROL" in any of the three games, by the by. Violence in a situation where he had no control and was not with people he trusted, where such an experience had NEVER happened before, obviously affected his developement, and will obviously continue to affect his developement, however the memory of it may fade and be buried.

Wow, this was a rather long rant about only one of the two main characters in your fic. So I will not subject you to another rant about why Torn may or may not be willing to do this either. Joyjoy. For me, too.

O_o Dude, but- who is this Ajak who suddenly comes into the middle of their kinky sex scene? Is this another typo?? You should REALLY, REEEEEEALLY proofread your work in order to make sure mind-bending mistakes such as making whole new PEOPLE appear are not there. Please, really, do it. It's very easy and shows your readers that you Care.

Of course, another more IMPRESSIVE way to show that you care about your story might be to write these already-established characters IN CHARACTER, not substitute your own characters in for them, and write in such a way that it is BELIEVEABLE that Jak und Torn would do kinky stuff like this. I'd pay to see a fic that does stuff like this without screwing up the characters. Really, I would, which is why I'm ripping yours apart. Just name your price and as long as you deliver quality... there'll always be somebody somewhere who'll repay your time and effort. Look at Anne Rice. Nowait, that's a horrible example.
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From on August 21, 2004
Oh my LORD, two hot sexy bastards screwing each other? Good lord...>_o Made me horny. Anyway, its very good besides the fact that the end was slightly corny and the 'bad boy' thing is...er...o_o Weird. But funny, in my own mind, thus I admire ^^
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From ANON - Elin on August 11, 2004
I loved it ^^
Write more :)
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From ANON - elys on July 21, 2004
me like. ^_^
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From ANON - sheero on April 18, 2004
*laughs insanely* man that was kinky. *whew* never let torn near bondage again... >>;;;; and jak is a sick bastard... but that is why we love him so. *purrs happily again* ^^ you are SUCH a good writer .... *wishes she could write like that* it may not be depressing... but i guess the kinkyness of it all makes up... you are forgiven... *glomps* o.o more plz... *slides notes to the bunnies*
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From ANON - The Luggage on April 08, 2004
You are God. *worship* lol
Very graphic imagery and great use of pancakes.
*flails with yaoi happiness*
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From ANON - Dark Siren on April 07, 2004
XD I love this! ;_; I haven't read any Jak II lemons at all! Had to use my imagination, which is pretty shot at the moment x_x I honestly think you should write more, though I only had very few problems with this ficcie: there were a few spelling errors here and there, but nothing too annoying ^.^ Also, I believed it needed more.. description o_o But all in all, it was a good good good fanfic ^_^

Oh, and they seemed OOC, but who cares! XD I frankly don't care if characters are OOC, because even I do something that is OOC for myself x_x So it's possible for people and characters to not act like themselves somes. es. ^^; Why am I ranting? I have no idea x_x;;

o.o have a Jak and Daxter fic here myself, but I dun know what to do with it anymore ;.; I'm thinking of putting it on hold.. or just giving up >.>...

anyways... x.x

okie, write more! ...gotta review your other Jak II ficcie >D

DS
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From ANON - Kuroi on April 06, 2004
yet another i love you writing, can't wait for another. Great job on this story!!!
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From ANON - LittleMissGothicChyld on April 05, 2004
Whoo! I'm glad me and stacey gave you inspirations hehe! Ya know... You could next time use pieces of glass to cut open small wounds... or even a screwdriver *Smirks* But i likey! *Praises!!!!*
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