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Reviews for Thoughts of the Capitan

By : AyaJeanneBeck
  • From ANON - CSkerries on December 16, 2004
    OH WHOOPS important typo there after THREE proofreadin' sessions. Go me.

    PS: Call it a PENIS for crying out loud, eh? If you're going to write about a MAN RAPING another MAN in a BONDAGE situation, then I don't think you should be squeamish enough to NOT call a man's genitals a PENIS.
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  • From ANON - CSkerries on December 16, 2004
    The first thing I noticed about your story was the myriad of spelling errors. In the first section alone. There are just so MANY, Dude, and ALL of them could have been caught by the Spell-check function in a Microsoft Word program. Please, if proofreading your work before you post is soooo painful, at LEAST check it for misspelled words if no one else will proofread it for you. A favorite online dictionary of mine is www. dictionary. com, and I freely admit to using it whenever I'm unsure of the spelling of a word or its definition. Also, only PROPER nouns should be capitalized when they aren't at the beginning of the sentence.

    Alright. So, your first flashback in chapter one starts immediately after Jakko's capture by the KG? I know it may SEEM like this next opinion of mine is severely contradicting the ones I have posted previously on Adult FF . Net, but bear with me; it's not. The situation in your fic has one extremely important detail that affects Jak's actions to a large degree during your "Flashback" section: Jak has NOT endured two years of torture at this point in time. Therefore, since the only memories Jak has as of yet are of a time and place where people are generally nice as a rule of thumb, and because, although he HAS met Erol before, the commander has not yet DONE anything to cause Jak to fear him, I must OBJECT to your portrayal of Pre-Prison!Jak as a wimpy little kid. First of all, all evidence from the first game shows that he DOES, in fact, have a spine that CAN withstand a great deal of stress and second: he has not yet acquired the learned habit of being automatically suspicious of people. True, there is an obvious reason for Jak not to like or trust Erol at the BEGINNING of his jailtime (Jak's ONLY interaction with him before this scene was when Erol lead the KG quad that captured him), but he simply hasn't seen enough of Erol's personality to FEAR him. I'm quite sure that Jak would have put up more of a struggle when Erol was "undressing" him, too.

    I'd also like to voice my opinion about Jak's experience with guns at this point in his soda-can life, Miss/Mr. Author (the pre-prison time). With the possible exception of the extremely bulky and cumbersome RIFLE of the Yellow Sage, Jak does NOT remember seeing a HANDGUN in his life. EVER. Yes, he was in Haven as a kid, but he doesn't REMEMBER, do you get my drift? Immediately associating [the feel of a cold steel muzzle from a dinky (through his eyes) little piece of steel] with [something that could cause him great pain] is an idea that would NOT register in his mind. He simply lacks the experience to know that at this point. May I remind you that at the beginning of Jak2 he was thrust without warning from his tiny peasant village of Sandover into a COMPLETELY NEW environment and culture? It's not stupidity, it's ignorance.

    Ah, do you know what a "nymph" is? My first reaction was, "Whoad00d! Erol LIKES having sexual relations with insects?" But that's just me, and "nymph" can also mean "a voluptuously beautiful young woman" or a "minor nature goddess depicted as a beautiful maiden," too, so take your pick. O_o I'll also have you know that the "dump of a pub" you're referring to is the main residence of THE biggest (figuratively, too) and most notorious crime-lord in the city, yo. Erol should have more respect for the powerful "floating pig" his boss does business with, especially when aforementioned pig makes pretty damn powerful weapons.

    Dude! Whenever I raced Erol through the city (and MAN was it fun dodging civvies and walls XD), Jak's zoomer ALWAYS pulled ahead of him in the first couple seconds, and would STAY ahead of him over flat, straight stretches of the track. Is it just interpretation that made you write that thing in the second chapter? Erol's an experienced racer, though, so I wouldn't expect this little detail to be a mistake on his part.

    Aww, Jakko, whatever happened to your cat-like reflexes and sensitive, ah, senses? I'm SO disappointed that Erol could waltz up behind you and subdue you with a little love tap to the head. SO disappointed. I'd have expected you to put up a better fight than THAT.

    My BIGGEST problem with your story is this, Author: Usually people don't appreciate being raped, and you have given no reason WHY JAK, of all people, would consent to being RAPED. Being raped is not a pleasureable experience, especially when the rapist does not use lubrication. (No, saliva of the used amount does not qualify as lubricant.) I don't know this through personal experience, but I don't NEED to. Having the control over your own body violently ripped away tends to be a traumatic experience for the victim. Jak consenting to losing control without any sort of a serious struggle, ESPECIALLY when his rapist soon releases him, seems totally out of character, and Jak shouldn't want a repeat of that first experience. I wouldn't have thought that Erol would let his "staff" :snerk: anywhere NEAR Jak's teeth either. Teeth are used for biting, yanno? They'll do in a pinch when you're only other option is deep, deep humiliation. Erol's a villain, not stupid. But he might be masochistic. I don't think Jakko's masochistic, if I may express my opinion. He shouldn't have stayed for the rest of the entertainment when Erol released him from the chains, nor have let Erol walk away without trying to maul him first.

    Even if Jak was RAPED multiple times by Erol while in prison (a detail which can't be sure if you included in your story, due to the vagueness of it), he STILL wouldn't have a desire to be raped again. It's NOT in character by any stretch of the imagination, even IF he couldn't easily escape the situation by turning into Dark Jak. This is FAN-fiction, not original fiction. If you're going to write FAN-fiction without substantial evidence for not following established characters, then you should get used to using the actual characters, not "interpretations" labelled as such. You're better off writing original fiction, I think, if you don't want to pay attention to important details like that. Oh, and reusing plots pulled word-for-word from the game doesn't make for interesting storytelling. THIS I DO know from experience.

    PS: Call it a PENIS for crying out loud, eh? If you're going to write about a MAN RAPING another MAN in a BONDAGE situation, then I don't think you should be squeamish enough to call a man's genitals a PENIS.
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  • From ANON - sole on September 14, 2004
    wow great job. Its been a while sence i read a erol and jak fic... that was simply great. i can't wait to read more of your work. keep it up.
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  • From ANON - Shark on September 04, 2004
    Ahahahaha! Even better than the last! It's funny how you made Erol not only a nutter, but a SUPER GAY nutter!! I like Jak's I-hate-him-but-he-screws-me-really-GOOD atitude, talk about a twist in emotion!!

    ~Keep on the feeding...
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  • From ANON - Shark on September 04, 2004
    Ahahahaha! Even better than the last! It's funny how you made Erol not only a nutter, but a SUPER GAY nutter!! I like Jak's I-hate-him-but-he-screws-really-GOOD atitude, talk about a twist in emotion!!

    ~Keep on the feeding...
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  • From ANON - Shark on August 23, 2004
    Erol's such a nutter! And you portraied him good! Keep on at it!!!
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  • From Sabulana on August 22, 2004
    Hey! ^_^ *stalking for no real reason*

    Azi: ...there is a reason...you're bored and when you get bored, you stalk people.

    Me: ...well yeah. Besides, this is a really cool story -don't you dare argue with that!- and I just felt the need to shower praise on it! *shwers the fic with praise*

    Crowley: ¬.¬;
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