Adult-FanFiction.org : Games

Reviews for Finding the Lost

By : DarkMage362

From ANON - Final Keyhole on January 31, 2005
OMFG. That story kicked ass lyke wh0a. I absolutely loved it.
Report Review
From ANON - Soran on January 22, 2005
Of course Erol is a sadistic bastard, why do you think us Erol fans love him so much? ^^ The angst is so thick with him you could cut it with a knife. The story in general is great, but it could use more detail. Its more like the summery of JakII as it already exists. You should try for a more advanced type of writing if you really want to make an impact. Use lots of detail and creative adjectives to make your readers really feel Jaks fear and anger.
Report Review
From ANON - CSkerries on December 17, 2004
Reading is a visual experience, so I want to give advice on formatting, first: Paragraphs are visually pleasing to your reader. You DO have paragraph breaks, but it would be a better idea to leave a space between paragraphs instead of indenting on the very next line, because that type of spacing on a computer screen helps your reader out a lot more than one would think it should. Another basic thing I would encourage you to do is to check for spelling errors prior to posting. There aren't many in your fic, but nearly all the ones that ARE present could easily have been caught by a Spell-check program.

I also think you should keep in mind what sorts of things Jak does and does not know about prior to being in Haven City. He doesn't know as of yet that the huge, armored hulks who dragged him away at the beginning were/are called the Krimzon Guard, so I don't think you should have him refer to them as "Guard"; referring to them as "guard" (without capitalization) would be more indicative of his knowledge about the city at this point, but he still wouldn't know enough about the workings of the city to call them by that particular name, proper or normal. Also, given the quality of Sandover, he shouldn't be using the words "cement" or "bathroom," either. I know you didn't use this word, but he DEFINITELY shouldn't know what a "toilet" is a this point, if you think about it. XD That's absurdly funny for it being a true statement.

Although I'm glad you didn't make Jakko break down and cry immediately after being captured, I'm still certain that it should have taken a FAR longer time in prison before he EVENTUALLY did. He wouldn't, couldn't know just how hostile the people in this city are capable of being, because he ONLY remembers a place where people are nice as a given and because he hasn't yet been subjected to the two years of torture. I'm sure that BEFORE the two years he would have been cautiously optimistic about Samos, Keira, and Daxter's chances of surviving in this unknown place... but after his EXPERIENCE of a long, long time with no sign of them and every indication that the people in this new place are ALL sadistic, uncaring bastards, only THEN would he start despairing. I also think that even BEFORE the two years of torture, Jak would hold Erol's gaze as long as he was able. A bit of rebellion has ALWAYS defined Jak (although he does have caution), and avoiding the gaze of someone who undoubtedly wants to challenge you is considered a sign of weakness in most social circles.

Other than those two little parts, I really have no objections to the characterization and am so very impressed at halfway through your story, given the quality of fics I've read thus far on this site. But then SAMOS, of all people, starts swearing and yelling and I become so very disappointed. What?! "Old and grumpy" doesn't necessarily mean "foul-mouthed," and you can count on Canon!Samos not to EVER lose his temper around dangerous people who have no problem retaliating physically. Such as Erol. Samos spouting profanities is a definite NO under a bit of interrogation.

And then Jak is incredibly stupid and jumps out of his hiding spot when Erol takes a knife and waves it under Samos' nose. Not that THIS part isn't in character, but Jakko all bloodthirsty and going for the jugular is most likely not. I was so SURE that this was BEFORE the two-year torture-fest, you know? Jak never had to kill an actual PERSON before. The only people he EVER attacked in Jak1 where Gol and Maia, and that was when they were in a really fuggin'-big piece of armor, NOT face-to-face. (No, I'm not of the opinion that Jakko would get guilty over killing Lurkers, because it seemed as though he thought it was a given for him to do: kill dangerous animals) Trying to kill another person while their face is two inches from yours is a whole different situation than fighting one from far away or behind a mask. Protecting Samos is one thing, but KILLING to prevent him from being injured is something Pre-Prison!Jakko is not accustomed to doing yet.

That fight scene between Erol, Samos, and Jak is rather ridiculous, too. Samos' arms are like twigs, yo, and there's no eco around. There is no POSSIBLE way that he would win, could win, or imagine winning, at a close-range melee in cramped quarters. Now, if he had enouh space to FLY, then his chances would have been better (although Erol does have his gun), but geting involved in a fist-fight with EROL is not smart behavior at ALL, and Samos should KNOW this.

Oh, but AFTER Erol boasts about how he knocked Samos around is a whole different story when Jak awakens back in his cell, ESPECIALLY since he alludes to having killed his mentor and friend. It's FAR more understandable for Jakko to be angry enough to kill THEN, but not BEFORE, even if the anger still seems a bit too hasty. The hate seems far, FAR too soon. For his first words in, what, seven? eight? years to be full of articulate cursing is not very believeable either, and AGAIN, not so SOON. Isn't this his first week of prison? He really isn't enduring any pain that couldn't be lived with as of yet; Erol's torture has consisted only of a few superficial knife wounds, hints that Samos MAY be dead, and a bit of nudity that Jak seems not to notice, so CONSUMED he is with RAGE. Arrr! I don't quite believe that seven years of mute behavior can be broken so easily in less than a week with just some cuts and innuendo. But then again, I'm not really in an expert position to know how torture could drastically change one's established habits.

Alright, this next topic is seriously starting to irritate me. If you're going to write about something, is it too much to ask that you KNOW what you're writing ABOUT? In three out of three CONSECUTIVE fictions that I've read on this site ALONE, female authors seem to not understand the workings of anal sex, beyond "insert tab A into slot B." For saliva to be an effective lubricant, it has to be present in MUCH GREATER AMOUNTS than what was used in this fic, else anal sex becomes very, very PAINFUL and BLOODY, Miss Author. I don't have PERSONAL knowledge of this fact, never having done this, but I don't NEED to. If I was going to be writing criticism on fanfictions involving gay sex, you can bet your Jak trilogy that I'm going to FIND OUT about it before I start criticizing other people's writings. This doesn't mean by any stretch of the imagination that I'm required to go surfing for pr0n all day, but suffice to say, I found a SUPERB site owned by an expert in the field of male, homosexual sex, where there is some very, very good, ACCURATE, and clear information about the details of this subject, as well as a guy's point of view when it comes to sex.

WARNING! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! DANGER! This site DOES have EXPLICIT adult material on it in the form of pictures and fanfiction, but seeing how AdultFF.Net ALSO has explicit adult material on it, I'm hoping that this will not be too much of an issue. GO to this site, LEARN about why the lack of lubricant in anal sex is painful and even DANGEROUS sometimes, and become a better fic writer. Pleeeeease. But if photographs of two guys doing really strange stuff squicks you out, then I would advise you to shut off whatever image viewer your browser has before going to this site and be in read-only mode, and besides, if it squicks you out, why are you even WRITING about it in the FIRST place? http://www.squidge.org/~minotaur/classic/intro.html

WHY am I bitching about this? Because in your fiction, like in so many, other than the obvious PAIN bit of having something shoved "where the sun don't shine," there is no mention that Jak is even in the sightest physical discomfort afterwards (though mental "discomfort" abounds), when by all accounts he should be violently opposed to moving at all, if only because he'd be trailing blood all over his tiny cell.

Moving on, then, from a sore and touchy subject... There's some more OOC-ness due to lack of resistance in Jakko's case during aforementioned scene, some MORE OOC-ness is rewarded due to overly-fast compliance on Jak's part, oh THERE'S some retaliation that's in character for Jak WOW, some of that MentallyDisturbed!Erol-ness (can't tell if that's IC or not...) that you seem to like, aaaaand this scene ends with a freight train-sized helping of more incredibly articulate screaming from someone who, up until a few minutes ago, had been habitually mute for as long as he could remember. And another explosion of hate and anger from Jak. It IS even MORE justified now, but I shall still stick to my idea that it ws far too fast to be at this level of severity. Although I'd expect more horror and self-loathing from a virgin who has been just been raped than anger or hate towards the rapist. HEY, but at least Jakko recognizes that hate is not a good emotion to hold close to one's heart, hooray and good for your insight, Jakko. Shouldn't he also be worried about what his friends would think if they ever found out, too? Oh, the shame und horror, and "OOO only WEAK guys ALLOW themselves to be raped!" Um, not that I support this stereotype, or even believe it should exist, it's just that this is the mindset of some people, even quite a few rape victims, and is good material for even MORE angst if that's your spot of tea.

Now in the LAST bit, wouldn't Jak KEEP resisting time and time again, even if it got him worse things than knife-scars? At least they'd be physical scars and not mental ones... Unless, of course, he was broken by Erol and the eco-treatments, but you don't say anything about that happening to him. And YES, at the END of the two years would it make sense for Jak to hate. I'm not saying this because that's what happened in the game: the only feasible outcome form years of torture is either breaking or hardening, because "torture" implies that the victim was mentally effected in some way.

Despite the length of this review, your story was actually pretty good compared to others I've read on AdultFF.Net. You have very few spelling errors (although I'm beginning to think that this site just has picky html formatting that's affecting the stories), you show competent use of grammar, words are used CORRECTLY, and, depsite reusing dialogue pulled directly from the game (THAT'S a big "No" if you want your fictions to stand out), you actually expanded on it by inserting what this character thought or that character thought.

You have two BIG problems that interfere with believeable and enjoyable (for some �.�) FAN-fiction, though. 1) If you're going to write about the subject of rape, please be informed. It smashes your credibility to itty-bitty bits if you can't accurately tell what the physical and mental effects of rape are. 2) This is FAN-fiction, which means any characters you use that are familiar are going to have already-established (though in the case of NaughtyDog, perhaps rather carelessly) personalities. Unless you give a VERY good reason for why you are deviating from them, accurate portrayals of familiar characters are EXPECTED from your readers, if they have any care for the series at all, else they will immediately lose interest in your story. Rebellion has ALWAYS been a part of Jak's personality. The series BEGAN with him disobeying explicit orders from an authority, but it was magnified by Jak's time in prison. You DO show the ability to write competently, if only you would spend more time thinking about the reasons WHY a character would act a particular way in a certain situation and WHAT they should know at specific points in time.
Report Review
From ANON - Filthy Animal on December 09, 2004
I normally don't comment on fics, but this was extremely good. You have serious talent!
Report Review
From ANON - Kya on November 11, 2004
That was an amazing story. I hope you don't quiet writing!
Report Review
From ANON - amber on September 25, 2004
A very awesome story!
Report Review