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Reviews for Dark Descent

By : PyramidHead316
  • From ANON - anon on November 15, 2006
    the reason for the first sentence I said being too wordy was that you mentioned the room this way:

    "Adjacent to the apparently haunted restroom Alessa left behind was a room that, at least on the outside, was totally nondescript. Inside was no different.”

    It is better this way: "Adjacent to the apparently haunted restroom Alessa left behind, (put comma) was a totally nondescript room from the outside."


    See what I mean?

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  • From ANON - anon on November 15, 2006
    Your new update is ok. I just read it and I have to give some constructive criticism:

    “Adjacent to the apparently haunted restroom Alessa left behind was a room that, at least on the outside, was totally nondescript. Inside was no different.”

    That sentence seems too wordy,but maybe you wanted it like that so its okay.

    “Never had Alessa been so glad to see a common household item before and she eagerly snatched the flashlight from its deceptively obvious hiding place.”

    Deceptively obvious hiding place? How can it be deceptive if it is obvious? There are more,but thought you should know of some of the things that give the reader a second look.
    Small example from your story - “And then, and suddenly as it appeared, the pain was gone.”

    The use of “and” twice is not necessary.
    Overall I enjoyed the way you put Alessas thoughts. Very well done on that part.

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  • From ANON - maiafay (not logged in) on November 15, 2006
    Hmmmm, I like that nasty Alessa...she's a piece of work. And the red vomit...yum. I'm holding a baby python right now, and am typing with one finger...like you wanted to know that...but figured I would tell you anyway...lol.

    Back to the story. That part where dark Alessa is chasing good Alessa was intense and nicely done. I like how you described the way dark alessa behaved and the creepy quality of her appearance. Nice metaphor as well. Anyway, I put the snake back so now I can type like a normal person. Are we going to see the cancer demons? I hated them things...ugh, all fat and gushy. Supposedly they smelled as well, but at least gamers didn't have to worry about that. I'm wondering how this is going ot end up, and the introduction of "so and so" (HIM) was a unexpected surprise. Just trying to predict where you will deviate from the game is fun to do in every chapter.

    I thought for sure she would use the bleach to clean her hands, but then you used the health drink instead. I also will have those stupid things in my fic--and will even describe their taste. (which will be slightly unpleasant...) It's been a long while since I played SH3, so I forgot what half of those items Alessa finds are even for...lol.

    Can't wait till the next update!

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  • From ANON - anon on November 15, 2006
    Interesting so far, not sure how alessa is not the 'other' Alessa, but I'm sure you'll tell us that later on.
    Am curious where you're going with this, and hope that we'll see Valtiel again soon. Speaking of which, they would be interesting pairing, but I don't beleive you have any intention of getting those two together....heh.


    Look forward to the next update.
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  • From maiafay376 on November 13, 2006
    Sorry it's taken a while to review. Good chapter, plenty going on anyway. I like Alessa's mad dashes not to be eaten or chewed on...LOL. I like the fact this story brings back memories of SH3...a game I haven't played in a long while. Oh, and when we see Valtiel...I was so happy I almost squee'ed...almost. (since I'm I far to proper to squee thank you.) LOL...

    When Alessa found that bottle of bleach, and wondered what she could do with it, I wanted to tell her to maybe scrub some floors, throw it on the wall, maybe clean some toliets with it...*snort* Well, since she's in a world of decay--it could some cleaning damn it. Granted one bottle of bleach wouldn't get that far in SH...

    I also like the necklace...don't remember that part so I think it's new? I am wondering what it's for and whom it belongs too. Curosity is peaked on that. Look forward to the next chapter.

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  • From ANON - Shahar on November 02, 2006
    I like the direction you’re taking this story, and you’re a really talented writer, good job!
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  • From ANON - carrie on October 18, 2006
    Oh, now I get it...that your using the third game as a base for the AU. Duh. I swear, sometimes I'm a little slow. Nice chapters over all, I like the fact Claudia made her appearance finally--for some reason, I really like her. Creepy bitch. Anyway, I'll try and read this fic on Ff.net so I can peek at future parts. I like to know where you'll take this...and how certain elements will fall into place. BTW, I HATED that stupid book puzzle. HATED IT. LOL. I feel Alessa's pain.
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  • From maiafay376 on October 12, 2006
    Reminds me of the opening to SH3 and that damn amusement park they threw you in right off the bat. At least with SH2...you got to wander with no weapon and "no monsters" and were relatively safe. You took a familiar opening and changed it though...I thought the roller coaster would knock her off, but you had it crumble instead. The glass on the stairs was a nice touch. I also caught the little innuendo's about Silent Hill, and the fact there was an incident involving Ms. "Summers." I like to see where you'll differ the orignal story to suit this plotline. Look forward to more.

    As for as grammar and such..notices some passive phrases...but then again--every writer has issues with those. I won't list them here, since that would be rude. But other than that, your style is nice, you don't overload the descriptions, or adverbs--you don't switch POV (granted it was only Alessa's anyway, but still I wanted to mention that...lol.)All in all nothing major to nit pick--which made for a pleasant read.
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