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Reviews for Shadows and Butterflies

By : maiafay376

From ANON - >_< on October 23, 2007
continue plz awesomeness!
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From PyramidHead316 on October 08, 2007
For those reviewing this fic, I want you know that I asked Maiafay to write this fic. I told her I liked femslash, and she was generous enough to write one with Heather/Alessa, one of my favorite pairings. So when it comes down to it, if this fic rubs you the wrong way, come and blame me.

Secondly, Maiafay's characters are enhancements on SH4's. SH4's characters were caricatures put there for the sole purpose of being slaughtered by Walter. Only Eileen showed any real depth. Cynthia was intriguing, but she got killed off before we could get to know her better. But Maiafay's have depth, something that automatically elevates them above ones like Henry and and Richard. I'm not saying that are better than the ones the developers created, it's just that you can actually feel something for these characters. I have Henry nailed to a door in one of my fics (through the throat, no less) because that's how much purpose he serves in the series. But Maiafay even did something about that, giving Henry a spirit in Blood Ties that actually makes me give a damn about him. Anyone could take Henry's place in SH4. They can't take his place in Blood Ties. And Daniel is the best original character I've seen in a SH fic. No doubt about it.

I already left you a review on ff.net, but I figured this site needed the count. I'm looking forward to the next installment of the story. Please update soon.

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From maiafay376 on October 07, 2007
This review is a lot better than the last one, even if it carries the same hostile tone (which I'll address later) and attitude.

And most of your commands--er, 'suggestions' validated my suspicions. This was a style crit, and one that frankly, fell flat.

Let�s go through them one at a time:

1. �Her eyes were watering. (This is in passive tense. Nothing wrong with this
necessarily, but don�t rack up too many of these.)

The warm tears slid down her cheeks (clause 1) and she tasted salt as one pooled
(clause 2) and then slipped past the corner of her lip (phrase). (Don�t use and
twice as a conjunction in a sentence.) She licked it without thinking, and it
(you also overuse it) was in that moment she realized her lungs were burning.
(�She licked it without thinking� is also in no way connected to realizing her
lungs were burning. Make it a separate sentence. Stop forcing the connection.
�She licked it without thinking. At the moment she realized her lungs were
burning.� Two separate, unrelated ideas do not a sentence make.)�

Are you serious? There is NOTHING wrong with using two �and�s� in a sentence. I can open an published book, and specifically, a Stephen King book and pick out hundreds of sentences that do this very thing. Never follow a rule off a cliff. Sentences shouldn�t begin with AND-- and yet, Tolkien broke that rule. Nothing is written in stone dear, learn it.

As for passive, um, yes, fully aware of the passive phrase and will rack as many as it benefits the story. Active voice all the time gets a tad dull--as does passive. Moderation in everything.

2. It felt like hours, yet, she knew this was not so. (Yet she knew this was not
so? This entire paragraph is beating around the bush. Be more direct about it.
Describe the physical feeling, maybe, and it would be much more interesting.
This early in the story, I don�t really want to be trapped in the character�s
head space. I should be finding out about surroundings.�

Only if I wanted the room to be the focus, in which, I did not. This is a character story, and therefore, I will deal with Heather and what she feels. And this is also a style crit, your opinion, and one I will dismiss.

3. Gray speckles began marching (marched is simpler.) along the edge of her vision, many leaving rank and wandering into her line of sight. Was she about to faint? After
everything she had seen and done, she was going to faint over something like
this?

I�ll probably change that, thanks.

4. That snapped her out of it. She blinked, drew a shaky inhale (Inhale is not a
noun. It�s a verb. Use it as such.)--and finally struggled the air past her lips
in small, wheezy pants. (While I respect the difficulty of finding new ways to say things that
are so often described, and doing this by using interesting, active verbs, this
falls by the way side. Wordiness is not more unique. The action itself is
incredibly urgent. Write it that way.)

Again, aside from the inhale (which I will change next revision), this is a style crit, and one I will dismiss.

5. The dizziness abated, but her heart continued slamming in frantic rhythm. (That
sentence I like. It�s quick and to the point.) The sound echoed in her ears,
faltering a little here or there, like a drummer in her first parade. (Remove
the simile. It�s useless. You already described what it was like.) And this
little drummer was scared; this little drummer was pounding that drum as if she
wanted people miles away to hear her loud and clear. The girl this drummer beat
for and only for cringed where she stood, staring at the scene before her with a
sort of appalled wonder. (Not to mention, as an extended metaphor it becomes
laughable.)

Funny, a reader on FF.net just highlighted that entire segment and called it her favorite. Again, pure style crit and one I will ignore.

6. She tried to ignore the sucking sounds and the rivulets of blood-black tendrils
snaking from the washbasin. When she had been holding her breath and letting the tears run down her face, these tendrils had spread across the floor, the walls, the ceiling,
and coated everything in a thick, squirming blanket. She looked at the mirror
and the thing inside, and shivered. (And only now we know what the room looks
like? After a page? The description is still very sparse.)

Why are you so concerned about the room? This story is about Heather, not the room.

7. But (Don�t start this sentence with but. It�s entirely extraneous, and just
makes it a fragment.) like a sleeper would (You don�t need would either.) from a
clinging dream, she jerked her body (or her body.) into motion and stepped
toward the source of her fear; the motion braver than she felt. (�the motion
braver than she felt�? How about, with false courage, or something
less�syntactically convoluted?)

Again style, and one I will ignore. But (oops) I will remind you that it�s perfectly acceptable in non formal writing to start a sentence with the word �but, and, etc.� Even the dreaded �which�, and �while� are okay as long as they�re not overused.

Some advise: please stop parroting your grammar book buttercup, I have one too.

8. She barely noticed the yellow beam stuttering and dimming (a sign that (no need for �a sign
that�) her batteries would die soon), her attention focused on the creature standing only two feet away, imprisoned by a thin pane of reflective glass; a thing dressed like her, hair
like hers and face like hers�but�(You rely very heavily on the reader�s
familiarity with Silent Hill 3. No description of how Heather looks at all, or
the girl in the mirror�who by the way, does not have hair like Heather, if you
recall)

Actually, if you bothered to read beyond that point, I do say her hair is dark. But perhaps I�ll make it clearer earlier. Yes, but I don�t see the need the describe Heather at all; appearance shouldn�t be the focal point; introspection and emotion are.

9. It wasn�t her. (It. It. It. Always it.)

Yes, that�s the point.

10. It was the mirror that had raised her suspicions. (It again. And I find it
off-putting that the first thing to occur to her as weird takes so long to be
presented to the reader.)

I presented this within the first page. Dismissed.

11.(Please, for the love of writing�making things wordy does not make it a new way of expressing something. Also, �but rather� is grammatically idiotic. You only need ever need
rather by itself.) It wasn�t the washbasin (the tub, you mean?), mildewed and
smelling like copper and mold, or the fact that she had seen nothing of
interest--no ammunition, health items, or even a ��love� note from the disturbed
Stanley Coleman. (Why would she expect one? This room is not in the
hospital.)

I�ll change the but rather, but as for the rest...style. Washbasin is the same thing as tub, basin does not mean sink.

And please, for the love of God, do your research before making an idiotic statement about a room that is CLEARLY LABELED on the Alternate Brookhaven map--and one that I�ve wandered in at least twice for the hell of it while I PLAYED silent hill three. I double checked a few maps to make Heather�s escape realistic.

Stop making assumptions about people you don�t even know, stop TELLING me how to write when your writing is sub-par. I had to skim a few stories (that are OOC and should be labeled PARODY) of yours just to jog my memory on how you write. It�s mediocre, and frankly, you have no style. It reads flat and fades from my mind as soon as I click out. This is what happens when you follow the �rules� to the edge of that cliff and tumble over. No one cares, and no one is moved.

And to touch upon subjects better left with their respective stories: I said Leon wasn�t �gay naturally� because he�s arrantly heterosexual in the games. OOC on your part because he�s practically bouncing to Barry for a fuck. I know it�s all interpretation, but see to your own stories before you point the finger at another. Moreover, I won�t even touch that mess you call a SH fic...please, and you want to crit me? LOL!!!

Maybe I would take you more seriously if you wrote more seriously...but as far as I can tell, you have nothing but parodies. It�s hard to look at everything you detail here and not think �poopchute� from the SH fic. It tarnishes one�s credibility, sorry to say.

As for Ties, yes, I said on my LJ and to a few readers that Lucia is like Cynthia on purpose. Understand? On. Purpose. And why? Because I wanted to. As for the rest of the OC�s, they were made from...enneagrams. You know, the tutorial I have on making OC�s? I use it for myself. Amazing huh? And it�s not hard to deduce that some characteristics will be similar to other characters since people in �general� have likenesses. That�s why people have �friends� or lovers with the same traits. That�s why there is someone somewhere who probably acts a whole lot like me�what a concept!

You had an attitude from the moment you reviewed that tutorial, and then Rare, and then finally here.

This leads me to believe you would have found something �wrong� with anything I posted. Our styles differ, but I think you have issues with me in general. Word of advice, get over it. Whatever it is that�s eating you about my work, deal. I have a style you don't like, and if you don�t like it�don�t read it.

I gleaned maybe three things of value from your crit, the rest is a hostile, parroted style critique that I won�t waste MY time on.

Better luck next time.

~M
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From Minwax on October 06, 2007
Here. Specifics:

Her eyes were watering. (This is in passive tense. Nothing wrong with this necessarily, but don�t rack up too many of these.)
The warm tears slid down her cheeks (clause 1) and she tasted salt as one pooled (clause 2) and then slipped past the corner of her lip (phrase). (Don�t use and twice as a conjunction in a sentence.) She licked it without thinking, and it (you also overuse it) was in that moment she realized her lungs were burning. (�She licked it without thinking� is also in no way connected to realizing her lungs were burning. Make it a separate sentence. Stop forcing the connection. �She licked it without thinking. At the moment she realized her lungs were burning.� Two separate, unrelated ideas do not a sentence make.)
(In fact the �realized� sentence might do better here.) How long had she held her breath?
It felt like hours, yet, she knew this was not so. (Yet she knew this was not so? This entire paragraph is beating around the bush. Be more direct about it. Describe the physical feeling, maybe, and it would be much more interesting. This early in the story, I don�t really want to be trapped in the character�s head space. I should be finding out about surroundings.) No one could hold their breath that long except the dead, and she wasn�t dead yet...was she? Her chest felt on fire. How long could swimmers hold it? Two minutes? Three? Gray speckles began marching (marched is simpler.) along the edge of her vision, many leaving rank and wandering into her line of sight. Was she about to faint? After everything she had seen and done, she was going to faint over something like this?
That snapped her out of it. She blinked, drew a shaky inhale (Inhale is not a noun. It�s a verb. Use it as such.)--and finally struggled the air past her lips in small, wheezy pants. (While I respect the difficulty of finding new ways to say things that are so often described, and doing this by using interesting, active verbs, this falls by the way side. Wordiness is not more unique. The action itself is incredibly urgent. Write it that way.)
The dizziness abated, but her heart continued slamming in frantic rhythm. (That sentence I like. It�s quick and to the point.) The sound echoed in her ears, faltering a little here or there, like a drummer in her first parade. (Remove the simile. It�s useless. You already described what it was like.) And this little drummer was scared; this little drummer was pounding that drum as if she wanted people miles away to hear her loud and clear. The girl this drummer beat for and only for cringed where she stood, staring at the scene before her with a sort of appalled wonder. (Not to mention, as an extended metaphor it becomes laughable.)
She tried to ignore the sucking sounds and the rivulets of blood-black tendrils snaking from the washbasin. When she had been holding her breath and letting the tears run down her face, these tendrils had spread across the floor, the walls, the ceiling, and coated everything in a thick, squirming blanket. She looked at the mirror and the thing inside, and shivered. (And only now we know what the room looks like? After a page? The description is still very sparse.)
But (Don�t start this sentence with but. It�s entirely extraneous, and just makes it a fragment.) like a sleeper would (You don�t need would either.) from a clinging dream, she jerked her body (or her body.) into motion and stepped toward the source of her fear; the motion braver than she felt. (�the motion braver than she felt�? How about, with false courage, or something less�syntactically convoluted?) Covering her mouth with one hand, Heather Mason unclipped the flashlight from her breast pocket and flicked it on. She barely noticed the yellow beam stuttering and dimming (a sign that (no need for �a sign that�) her batteries would die soon), her attention focused on the creature standing only two feet away, imprisoned by a thin pane of reflective glass; a thing dressed like her, hair like hers and face like hers�but�(You rely very heavily on the reader�s familiarity with Silent Hill 3. No description of how Heather looks at all, or the girl in the mirror�who by the way, does not have hair like Heather, if you recall)
It wasn�t her. (It. It. It. Always it.)
It was something else.
Her mind whirled as she stared at the mirror creature. She remembered that (Don�t need anything before when, and there are better ways to phrase this sentence.) when she had entered this room some ten minutes ago, she had a feeling something was�off. Her feelings had not derived from one particular thing, but rather a combination of many--and one item foremost. (Please, for the love of writing�making things wordy does not make it a new way of expressing something. Also, �but rather� is grammatically idiotic. You only need ever need rather by itself.) It wasn�t the washbasin (the tub, you mean?), mildewed and smelling like copper and mold, or the fact that she had seen nothing of interest--no ammunition, health items, or even a ��love� note from the disturbed Stanley Coleman. (Why would she expect one? This room is not in the hospital.)
It was the mirror that had raised her suspicions. (It again. And I find it off-putting that the first thing to occur to her as weird takes so long to be presented to the reader.)
This is where I�ll stop with this one. I don�t have the time to waste proofreading your story, when you�ll just take some indignant stance about the lot of it. I, of course, didn�t get into Heather�s characterization because up until this point there is none. I was referring more to your Resident Evil fics anyway. In any case, all I have to say about them is generally what some others have said. Off the top of my head, you write Ada as incredibly whiney, when it�s not even in her character to use an exclamation point out of exceedingly dire circumstances. Ashley isn�t useless enough, but that I would ignore by itself, as I have a rather negative bias toward her.

Even so, I actually do enjoy your original characters in �Dark Ashes of the Phoenix,� B.O.W. even as they are. The ones in your Silent Hill fic, however, are too obvious rip offs of the characters from 4. I�m amazed you were even so transparent as to have Lucia as the same ethnicity.
Just, please, if you�re going to claim that fanfic is just as legitimate a medium to write in as original work, apply yourself. Give it the effort that original authors need to use. Fanfic implies that you�ve already skipped steps. Make up for them.
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From ANON - Anon on October 01, 2007
well i hope you update soon!
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