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Reviews for Girl Of My Dreams

By : RoxasInHiding
  • From RogueMudblood on July 05, 2012

    You have some awkward sentence construction in your opening paragraph. The very first sentence is comma spliced, and could use some re-wording. I find myself questioning if English is not your first language. There are several times within your story that a different word, or sentence construction, would better communicate your meaning.

    For example, an epiphany is not what you have used it as. An epiphany is a sudden realization, an insight, into a situation. It comes upon you abruptly and clarifies - for lack of a better word - reality. What you mean, when you have Kairi use that word, is whether it was a vision - a prophecy.

    My best suggestion to you is to obtain a beta. They will help you to clarify issues such as your diction so that your meaning is conveyed clearly to your readers.

    You can peruse the forum here for those offering their services:

    http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/83-become-a-beta/

    Regardless, I wish the best with developing your craft. Happy writing.
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