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Reviews for His Supressor

By : DragonMistress
  • From RogueMudblood on August 09, 2011

    I'm going to be blunt. Please take this as how it is intended, as criticism to help you improve in writing.

    You've made this into a round robin per your AN, but I don't know if anyone will ever pick it up. Let me explain why I think this:

    1) Your OC appears to be self-insertion. As such, you know her traits but no one else does. In the two chapters you posted, there is no development of her character for anyone to build from.

    2) You've set this up as a PWP. The only thing you've left to happen is how the sex to come about. The only guideline you've given internally (not as part of the AN, but as part of the story itself) is that this is to be a M/s relationship.

    The issue with the OC is a basic and common one, and is one reason that taking over such an abandoned story is difficult at best. I'm not saying put a character map in - I'm saying there should be enough character development so that your OC is not someone that can only be written by you if you intend for others to write your story.

    Other than these points, there are a few technical things that I would be remiss if I did not bring to your attention:

    1) The second sentence of your story is extraneous. The point of the story is to explain - the statement that this is what is to be done is unnecessary.

    2) In the second paragraph, starting with "Din Hyrule's" and ending with "unconscious" is a run-on. Being that early in the story, it is a point at which many readers will turn away.

    3) You make a reference at the end of the first chapter as to Ganondorf being the OC's "executioner" - what is meant by this is never alluded to in that chapter nor explained in the next. Her master is not her executioner.

    4) This is nitpicky, put it's Gerudo not Greudo.

    Overall, my best suggestion to you to help overcome your writer's block would be to write out a character map detailing what you want for your OC. Write an outline of events that you want to occur in your story. Then stick as closely to it as you can. Adjust as necessary for things that are pointed out by your beta (please check out the forums here: http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/84-request-a-beta/ to find one). But if the idea was enough for you to want to write the story, then please do not give up on it after so short a time (there's only 7 days elapsed between the posting of your first and last chapters).

    Best of luck to you in your future endeavors.
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