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Reviews for Blind Trust

By : EllipsistheGreat
  • From RogueMudblood on July 24, 2012

    It was a very cute snippet. I have to admit that the idea of a child-Seifer buggering a child-Hayner squicked me very much, though.

    Other than that, there are a couple of other things I'd like to point out to you.

    You use a lot of "said" in your story. It stops the flow of the piece, throwing the reader out of the tale. This is especially true when you're in a two-person scene. The first two (Hayner asked, Seifer said) are fine as they tell us the two characters involved. After that, since you have the dialogue properly paragraphed, it's superfluous.

    Likewise the distraction to the reader with the sectional break of (KNEEL,PAGEBREAK!). It completely destroyed my suspension of disbelief.

    Overall, though, I thought the short PWP achieved the sweet and sappy overtones that you were intending.

    Happy writing!
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