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Reviews for Tender submission

By : DemyxsSitarGirl
  • From Fawnheart on April 24, 2010
    Yay I found you!

    Well this is some good yaoi and that's saying something on my part because I usually only read slash if I'm going to read m/m but I really enjoyed reading this. You have a really nice way with words that is easy to follow but still paints a complete picture (I tend to trip over my words haha). And while this story meets the yaoi 'criteria' so to say, eg: the slavery, the domination, the cruel yuke and submissive seme (did I get those words right? It's been a while since I read up on it haha) it goes a bit deeper than a lot of yaoi I've seen and I really, REALLY like how you did that. I think readers can only suspend disbelief so much and in a lot of yaoi on here, the authors want you suspend it all haha. But not so here; you've obviously put a lot of thought into how to rationalise something that's irrational (an abused slave loving a cruel master - which isn't that unrealistic because I think it's kind of the dynamics of an abusive relationship sometimes, isn't it? Like an addiction or something I think I read once.)

    Anyway I love that kind of questioning approach. I love how Roku was questioning his feelings, asking himself how he could love someone who treated him that way but more than that, Ryoto questioned it in his mind too, which took me pleasantly by surprise. I can never 'get' how the seme is just remorselessly cruel but with Ryoto, he still seems remorseless but he is aware of it at least to the point that he questions it and *that* has the potential to open up a whole entire, new can of worms, dunnit? Hehe, roll on the angst!

    Another thing I really liked about this was the little details you put in like Ryoto's usually vertical ears folding down etc. It kept it fresh in my mind that he is a BLOOD ELF, (and really, they are sadistic little buggers aren't they? haha!) and that is really fitting for fanfiction and the people who read it looking for a fix for their addiction (guilty :( lol).

    So yeah, I really hope you keep going with your writing. It isn't often that I enjoy reading yaoi but I really, really liked this and you have a really nice, smooth style :D I've noticed that sometimes it takes a while for people to review but if you keep posting, you expose your work to more people, more often. With my stories, most of the people who review are the same people who have always reviewed (I have some new readers though which is a blast hahaha!) but even so, I think with the first story I posted, it wasn't until about chapter 8 that I got my first rating...not to mention my first comment lol, I was so depressed hahaha, but I had to get it out I suppose! A lot of people seem to be too shy to post a comment and then also, so many stories get posted on here that it's hard to keep up. Not only that but it's even harder now that AFF are going nazi on what people say in the reviews too and that's really off putting for people who don't go for drama.(I'll probably get in trouble for how long this one is by the nazi stalking moderator who seems to pour through my reviews just to find something wrong lol no I kid, I kid...sort of lol) Anyway haha, I better finish up. Just hang in there, kk? You are a really good writer and I'm curious to see what happens next in this story! :D
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  • From BurneHazard on January 22, 2010
    I really am enjoying the tale so far. One thing I'd like to point out from my view--it seems a little confusing when you switch from one character's point of view to another. There's no...warning of a transition. So my brain would have to stop, back up and re-set itself to another viewpoint. It kept the tale from flowing smoothly. The characters and action/interaction are good and so far I am enjoying the plot you've worked out. I am most certainly looking forward to more.

    PS - I have similar issues with my own attempts and I suck at editing. I think you did really good.
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  • From wanderingaddict on January 21, 2010
    whoopsiedoodle, I hit review too soon! but yeah, I'm just saying. really, nothing insulting or demeaning meant. if you're actually curious and want me to extrapolate, or just feel like responding, email me whenever you feel like too! no biggie.
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  • From wanderingaddict on January 21, 2010
    haha, alright, if you're looking for feedback, I'll bite and write a review.

    I 'spose the first thing you should know about AFF is just that reviews are rare, and take a long time to come. waiting a while is pretty normal here, for whatever reason. I suppose the next bit of advice is to read stories and write reviews for other authors, because being active among the other writers is usually the quickest way to pique curiosity. I always check links of people with blue names when they leave reviews. I like to know my audience.

    speaking of audience, heh, you should know yours as well! see, like, me personally? I love elves. I dig them so much! reading about them rocks my world, so that's what drew me in to your story in the first place. but, also, I'm a *guy*, so... how should I say this... I, personally, don't like to read stories with characters like Roku. I have absolutely zero respect and zero tolerance for weak or pathetic characters. so, as a guy, I'm just not interested. that's really something that appeals more towards a female demographic.

    haha, that's not to say that NO guys are interested, or a critique on your choice of characters or anything. it's just that the number of guys interested in reading that is much, much smaller than, say, the number of guys interested in reading about two muscular, big-dicked orcs or elves or tauren (or any other combination). you have a story that appeals to a much more specific audience, that's all. like, for me? I like reading about tough guys and tough girls who don't take any shit, and if someone even thought of putting a slave collar around their neck, they'd cut the dude's throat the moment their back is turned. heh, and that's probably more of a guy thing, just like it's more of a girl thing to read and like- or at least feel sorry for- Roku.

    so yeah, just saying is all. no critique or anything on your writing style, or implying any negative sort of criticism on your story or its characters. haha, it's your story, write about whatever you want! it's just that when you DO write, you should think about what kind of people your characters appeal to, and react accordingly. I mean, if I were to write a story about scat or pee-play (I never, EVER would(ew!), but for example) I would just have to keep in mind that that appeals to a *very* specific audience, the same as your story appeals to a pretty specific audience.

    also, in terms of actual writing, you should probably switch the current chapters 1 and 2, because that gives us readers that much more backstory and character development, and would probably make the sex scene that much mroe powerful.
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