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Reviews for Perspective

By : AndraiaGFSTS
  • From RogueMudblood on July 04, 2012

    You've got one phrase appearing three times in your summary: "the night air". It immediately detracts from your story, as I'm questioning the need for the emphasis. I would suggest employing a different phrase so that the reader is not hesitant to click on the story due to the repetition, for fear of finding more of the same within.

    I would also suggest that you obtain a beta. You frequently use the word 'ally' when you intend 'alley'. You also have run-on sentences which are a result of comma splicing. For example:

    They had been caught off guard, not thinking they would have gotten so easily though their defenses around the Pride Lands, it had been a massacre.

    This could easily be fixed by adding a period after Pride Lands and making It had been a massacre. a separate sentence completely. A beta would help you to find these things. Changing minute issues like this make your story more readable, and overall more enjoyable for the reader.

    In regards to how you have the Heartless sustaining themselves solely on 'essence' - I beg to differ about "nothing ever [being] harmed." Stealing the lifeforce of a creature can be far more debilitating a demise than simple death. Granted, the violence that can be found at the end of a hunter's gun is in no way merciful, but it would be far less detrimental overall. If you've ever been seriously ill, then you know the energy is sapped from you completely. Think of influenza: you are weak, sore, and often violently ill. Your energy is drained, and it's hard not only to concentrate, but to muster up the will to drag yourself out of bed. Doing that to a wild animal, especially since in any flourishing ecosystem there are predators, is very harmful. Your statement a bit further on that the child they siphon from 'falters' is actually evidence of the harm that they do.

    After you've established that the neoshadow protagonist was in the shadow realm before the door was opened, you make the comment People weren't out as much as when she was a child and raised here. Both of these statements cannot be true, unless you're stating that the lifespan of these creatures is extraordinarily short (which was not the impression I got from playing the game).

    You seem to be rushing this story along. You've rushed through introducing her into the camp, and told us that the shadow who brought her there is in love with her. It would have been far more intriguing to read their budding relationship. I'd be very interested if you ever chose to expand on that part of their character development.

    This statement: She had been right all along he didn't know what it was like in battle

    How can a soldier not have any idea what battle is like? Even if he's only a reservist, he's trained for battle, he's trained in conditions that are similar to combat without throwing him in front of armed enemies. I will grant you that Heartless society as you've described it is quite different. However, I truly do not see anyone being given the title 'soldier' and not knowing - to some degree at least - what battle is like.

    I think you have a very interesting idea here. I think with a bit of tweaking, this could be an intriguing story.

    Happy writing to you.
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