Adult-FanFiction.org : Games

Reviews for Forbidden

By : Koori

From MelanaAdara on June 24, 2015
An excellent story. I look forward to finding out what happens next
Report Review
From wanderingaddict on November 18, 2012
hey yo I had some time again this weekend so I was all like "I'll check out that rest of that one chick's WoW stuff" (and I was also all el curios-o 'cause there's all this new FF.net stuff that you recent emigrants have brought with you so all these stories are already like mad long and finished yo).

so like, I was also mad excited when I saw that this was gonna be more Obito so I clicked on that one since I figured hey I liked him from the last stuff (and it wouldn't be a lot of new and out of the blue stuff to adjust to) and hey it had friggin' Romnanth! wooooo that guy is so flippin' cooooool in your stories, hah! I got a hard on for wildfire mages who like to lay waste to things and blow shit up though so that's really my own bias speaking there. I mean, I just love the lines where Rommath is like "yeah, I've been told bonding with me is like eating a bonfire" (or whatever your exact verbage was there). so rad!

there's a lot to cover here though and I might miss stuff so you'll have to forgive me if I rush through anything. feel free to ask if you got any questions though? just want to be welcoming :)

uh... lessee, where to start - well I guess first off, I was a little surprised and kind of like "???" about the whole "soulbound" thing, although I really suppose it's not all that weird for WoW? it's a cute idea. I guess my main... hmm... "fault" with the soul-sing thing is that it can happen on accident? or happen... just hmm, out of inexperience? that's where it's weird to me. that first chapter could have been played up a LOT more with Obito at first being almost interested and totally willing (since it seems like he's pretty bi) but he like "plunges in without realizing what he's doing" or something. because otherwise, I mean, I guess I just can't imagine how else like... any quickie between two naive teens wouldn't accidentally result in these things? so yeah that's why I... I "feel that its mechanics could use some tightening." it's not bad at all, I'm just expressing my opinion of where it could be made better, if you feel like :)

but yeah overall that would make it a little more sense, I feel, if you accounted for stuff like that. like Obito is really repressed or something and soulbinding isn't normally that accessible or doable but getting double-downed on by two hotties overloaded him. the second thing I'd comment on is that I can see why this isn't part of the Ranger of Silvermoon thing, even with the episodic nature of those chapters there. no clue if you know this or if it's been commented on already, so if it's just stuff you've already heard any/or don't care about that's all cool. just ignore it, I'm just a random person, no biggie.

Obito is... I dunno if it's because this was written at a very different point (or what, since the dates here are obviously all different from whereever these stories were posted before) but I'd say he's quite radically different. as in like, almost an entirely different character - at least, from what he is at the end of Ranger versus here (and that's understandable, he goes through a lot of maturation and character development in the final, LENGTHY chapters of Ranger). so it was just a bit of a surprise to see him... hmm, more like... a sheltered, naive youth-slash-street waif here. I think it's kind of emphasized moreso, even because in Ranger at least you see him clash with his father a LOT, so there it feels like he does have rage and lashes out a lot. here it's... well, that stuff isn't really shown nearly as much, but having read both it would not be out of place to have him exhibit the same annoyance, fear, and mistrust that he has towards his father towards Rommath as well, given what he knows and even the fact that they're both hella old mages who exult in their power and abilities. Obito's relative acceptance of things also feels... well I feel kind of like it's a... okay, sorry, I'm trying to say this in the most specific way possible, because I don't think this was bad in any way. so don't take that away from it!

I more feel that... this isn't unlike "generic Seme takes care of poor street waif who has nowhere else to go and is scary and gruff outside but all tender flaky crust inside" and it feels... okay, I got it: I feel like you more than have the talent to do better? like you're very creative! you don't need that kind of trope to sell the couple (and I totally get that this might have been the first more adult-type thing you've written or something, or that this was at the start and you feel you've progressed much more so as a writer or something. I'm NOT insulting it!). this is a solid frame - I mean, you built a great skeleton from which you can tie a lot of the episodic chapters together from Ranger (if you so chose to do so) and I can TOTES understand using genre tropes to build a story around. I just was very, very impressed with the originality of Ranger, and there's all the raw material you need here with Rommath to go above and beyond this story as it is. I mean, keep the soulbind thing - it's a plot contrivance and sets the tone, sure, but hey I think it's a neat idea! I think you're the type who'd have a LOT more fun, however, actually exploring the mechanic in full and having Obito get mad at Rommath and disappear for a while, only to be drawn back out of curiosity or lust or even just need for companionship or something. I also think that maybe it might help if you... felt the characters/stories had more connection too? I mean, I understand a lack of interest in "previous" works (hah, mad guilty of that myself), but if you are set about it, I'd be happy to list here some of the things that I think got lost in the translation of Obito from Ranger over to this - specifically, that steel spine that flares up whenever a mage tries to push him around too much (in Rommath he's so much more likely to retreat, wilt, or flee), his tendency to retreat and analyze a problem (as he does when he tries to figure out how to get into Tempest Keep or resolves to go off and do random quests instead), and his occasional... um... "impulsiveness" I want to call it? like, there are some fun/amusing/intriguing times in Ranger where he just kind of... "sets out to get someone's goat." like, it seems like he doesn't necessarily understand it himself, and it may stem from desire (sexual) or that banked anger that he keeps in check, but it's fun to see. in this, the story feels much more like... like Obito here is more... Obito's more shelted, scared little brother, or else Obito as a young teen, rather than even Obito from the start of Ranger.

not that I'm shaming or saying that's bad. just wanting to help illustrate how I see it, in order to give you clarity if that's what you're interested in. if not you can just disregard whatever you feel like from this review, I won't hold anything against you :) it was entertaining to read, even if guys who wilt away from danger aren't really my cup of tea (which kind of says something about how fun it is to read what you write!0. aside from my surprise at the differences within Obito's character from the two stories, the only thing else I guess I'd comment on is maybe the sex scenes? they were sort of varied, but again.... they sometimes don't really fit within characterization. like, Rommath kind of gives the air that he's a "one lover" type of guy, and yet he's got a bevy of people who happily come at his beck and call. he also doesn't necessarily seem thaaaaaaat interested in sex, (which may be why he also comes across as a "one lover" type of guy) so that whole thing, while... not unreasonable, did feel a little out of place? and then just overall desires - I trust that you have the ability and the talent to explore a relative (or, evidently, basically here) virgin's first time with someone, so it could be a lot bigger and more important for Obito that those scenes get a bit more spelled out (heh, and I realize, again, that this was at a different site that I'm sure had different rules. here almost anything goes so that's pretty much what I'm used to). but part of that may just be that - even after several of those scenes - it's never really demonstrated WHY or hoooooooow Rommath and Obito are attracted to each other. does Obito have a small, lithe waist and big, muscled legs with a tiny ass from tons of running? does he have ripped-to-shit arms and a super defined chest from tons of archery? is it stuff like that that catches Rommath's eye? or is it just luscious, gorgeous hair? or facial hair? and then basically the same with Obito - I mean, *I* think that Rommath is hot as shit and when the Grand Magister bent over his bed I would have leaped right on his back and ridden him like a fucking bronco! but what does Obito like? what makes him hard about Rommath - the tight mage body? the thought of topping the Grand Magister? does Rommath have tattoos on his legs? body hair? do his genitals hang low and are visible, does that get Obito's engine revving?

again, not meaning to disparage anything you've written at all! just offering some food for thought and everything. and yeah, I am curious if you feel that or anything too.

Report Review
From ANON - newbi1234 on August 13, 2012
Oh man! How I wish this story didn't have the COMPLETED thingy in the summary...
So engulfing and thrilling! I enjoyed this piece very much, and I look forward for a second part w/ same characters so that you can bring them back together! They made such a perfect, complementary matching couple
Report Review
From ANON - deathk on August 09, 2012
lovely story!! I was inmediately absorbed by the plot and your style in writing.
i really hope you continue this story, or at least join them back together again! such a cute
couple!
Report Review