Reviews for The End of the Great Dario RossoBy : TimedWatcher |
Definitely enjoyed this story. Gave me a nice rise. The forced sex was hot, but IMHO maybe slow down on the bashing of the other guy. You don't have to make it rape to consensual, but rape that has its enjoyable moments would be good too. For example, I mean that it doesn't need to be described in the moment the details of how she feels of his breath, smell, etc. You could have her reminisce that he usually sickens her, but reading something slightly nasty even in the hottest context is slightly hindering.
You definitely have the story going well though, I enjoyed the humor and the slight surprise ending. I look forward to reading more of your work someday you post it on /b/ again.
As a fan of your work and the genre, I'd love to see you write her getting raped by Leon and, shit, make it a movie crossover and have Alice (mila Jovovich) come in as well. That would be hot. Either way, good shit.
1. If you're going to break the canon you may as well just do it. The opening following the game precisely doesn't fit very well with the rest of the story and it seems out-of-place and raises the question of how did Jill get tied up if Dario locked himself in the container. Considering you have Dario commit suicide instead of being eaten by zombies as he is in the game shows you have no intention to make this scenario fit within the canon, so don't pretend to.
2. You jump around a lot with perspective. There are sentences that seem to be internal monologue that are then followed by third-person narration with no clear definition. You also jump from Dario to Jill without warning. This gets jarring and it seems as though you are just saying what springs to mind as you write rather than deliberately crafting an effective scenario.
3. The only part of the story that seemed to have been given any real attention was the rape scene. Fleshing out the story around the sex scene can enhance the sex scene itself.
4. The story reads like a first draft. Your work will benefit from spending a bit of time redrafting. Trim things that aren't working, flesh out parts that are lacking, make sure each paragraph is focused, and make sure your chosen perspective is the most effective.
Once again, you pass. 10/10. Hard to find anything for R.E that isn't garbage, let alone a cut above.
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