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Reviews for Love Below Zero

By : donreaper
  • From Lorilei on July 15, 2007
    Okay, this story has a lot of potential and could be something great. However there were a few major mistakes that I'd like to point out.

    "She could feel him shudder in pleasure, his muscles were shaking, his eyes were rolled back in his head, she then reached for his mask."She looked at his face for the first time. He was handsome, snow white hair, icy blue eyes, and a face that was carved by angels."
    "She lay there. His sweet taste in her mouth. She loved it. And she hoped that he had enjoyed it as much as she did. She took a quick glance at him. He had a smile on his face. But he was lying still. He still hadn’t recovered from his enormous orgasm. All that time…34 years of no female company…that’s a long time to build up. Thankfully, he complied and let her enjoy him. Suddenly, she heard some cracking noises. His member was covered in ice. Then the ice broke and fell away. His erection was back."
    "She wrapped her legs around his waist, and helped him thrust in. that’s when he hit the spot. The pleasure spot. Li Mei, asked him to go harder, until finally, her flower exploded, her nectar dripped down his throbbing manhood."
    "He was still hard inside her. She wanted him to explode too, he had satisfied her at every turn. It’s only fair that she returned the favor. Slowly getting off, her tender flower, needed to take a break. She lay along side him, and laid kisses and licks on his chest and neck, while her hand worked his twitching hardness. She could feel his member get harder, his orgasm was eminent. Using her free hand, she began to massage his balls. They were so warm. They were full of his seed, and she wanted to let it all out."

    All these lines have one major mistake in common. They have changed the narration. When you right a story, you must stay constant with your viewpoints. In this case, you started off with it being in First Person (Sub-Zero's point of view). You then changed it to Ominiscent (an outside narrator who isn't in the story). You then continue to switch throughout the story, and then you lose interest. If you are writing as Sub-Zero, then you cannot say what Li Mei saw, or how she felt. You are looking through his eyes. This is crucial because the reader will become Sub-Zero, and thus they'll be able to feel what he's feeling. However, if you keep switching POVs then the reader feels nothing.

    "Then my tongue reached a barrier. I stopped immediately, she gave a disappointed sigh, sat up and wondered as to why I stopped. “You’re a virgin??”, she blushed faintly, “yes…” I was just given the greatest honor. The honor of taking Li Mei's Virginity."

    My problem with this line? The tongue is not long enough to feel the membrane that is lost during intercourse. There is no way he could have hit a barrier. Also, given that Li Mei is a fighter, it is probably wise to assume that it broke a while back. After all, the Hynia can break if one it hit dead on in the groin.

    "I let go, my member shot to attention, her eyes suddenly shot down to see the rock hard muscle which was now twitching in her soft and silky hands."

    Okay, my trouble with this one is simple anatomy. Blood is rushing to his penis. Some guys can have a certain amount of control, but ultimately, he cannot be straining against a full erection and not show anything at all.

    "And it was ready for more. Just as she had hoped."

    This is more of a pet peeve that can be ignored. Sub-Zero is an older man. Therefore is is VERY unlikely that he could get it up again that quickly. However, this is your story, not mine, so don't worry so much about this comment.

    I just want to let you know now that I'm not attacking you. I think this story has great promise, and my corrections weren't on the storyline, but the literary device and biological factors. I just hope you can put this knowledge to good use. However, kudos to you for writing this story. I enjoyed it very much.
    And as for a shameless plug...you can check out my Population challenge and maybe attempt one of my challenge stories.
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