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Reviews for Twilight Kisses

By : Renjiluvah
  • From ANON - Ezzard Charles on February 19, 2009
    damn good work
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  • From ANON - Tifa fanboy on December 06, 2008
    Had you of got a decent beta-reader to look over this before you hurriedly post this up, he/she would of been able to help you out big time especially with your sentence structure in the beginning; it's very sloppy and can turn serious readers away for those who are super picky when it comes to grammar.

    Every time you mention Axel's weapons, you fail to add an 'S' as in it being plural since all KH 2 gamers know he wields two Chakrams. Not one.

    You spelled Saïx & Naminé's names incorrectly.

    You have a lot of grammar errors but I do understand you self beta-read this without getting a proof reader to look over it.

    This sentence makes no sense: eart or not, she showed a fiery side to her. It flared in her eyes and cut the air when she fought.

    Hair should be 'air' in this sentence: Xifta’s breath hitched with the sudden cold hair hitting her, causing her nipples to erect before he warmed them with a gentle stroke of his palm as he allowed his other hand to ease around her waist.

    Whenever you refer to the Nobodies (the Dusks) you should state which Nobodies they are instead of just calling them Nobodies. One time is ok, but a second time you should change up.

    The second she should be 'the' in this sentence here: The tighter she held him, she more passionate his hands groped at her ass, slowly drawing in between her legs to entertain the moistening cleft still protected by leather.

    You confuse your past & present tenses at certain parts.

    This line here makes no sense if her & Axel are suppose ably not standing as you had stated in the last sentence of the paragraph this comes from: They stood this way for some time.

    I was a bit disappointed that you never mentioned Axel has pubic hair (red at that) like 9/10 most males have but then again, a lot of lemon fics leave that out so no surprise really.

    Made a mistake with this line here; he should be 'she': Just like her fighting style, Xifta was smooth, full of rhythm and with every plunge he took into her mouth, the redhead rolled his eyes upward, sighing her name softly without caring how much of a man he sounded.

    It wasn't necessary to state female in front of martial artist since Xifta would be the only one who applied to that reference if she were to be an official member of Organization XIII: The moon howler and the female martial artist were never on good terms, with Xifta frequently giving the elf eared man glares of warning every time Saix said anything remotely sexist or offensive.

    Ignoring the mountain of grammar errors & mistakes you have in this lengthy one-shot lemon, I enjoyed this. The sex between the two is hot & you made the Nobody of Tifa a very interesting but believable member. I certainly prefer her over Xion right now since Xifta has originality unlike the 14th Organization member who wields a keyblade and has STRONG connections to key characters.

    My favorite part of this one-shot is when you talk about Axel's voice ^_^ you provide a lot of detail during certain parts of this lemon and I like the fact this wasn't another short & PWP sex fic I always run into. Providing a plot even if it isn't a major one makes a lemon fic enjoyable.

    Alex is a great "original name" for Axel when going by the letters you're given since just because an X was added in other members name doesn't necessarily mean it applies to everyone else. Naminé & Xemnas is perfect examples since Ansem isn't truly Xemnas' name. If you are a person who happens to already have an X in your name, rather than adding another, I feel Xemnas would simply move it around such as Alex --> Axel. So applaud you for being clever in that regard. Most writers don't think outside the box.

    I feel you should go back and correct all the mistakes I pointed out but you're welcome to ignore that. Someone else might drop by and point out the same mistakes I did and yes, I read as I reviewed.

    :) I encourage you to write more AkuFa/AkuTa fics because you have potential when it comes to writing.

    I prefer Axel over Cloud ANY day since the bastard doesn't deserve Tifa or Zack's girlfriend when you look at how he fails to return the feelings of Ms. Lockhart whose been there for him in the beginning & falls for Aerith/Aeris over the influence of Zack's persona he took on. Aerith/Aeris loves Zack and it's only natural why she'd easily fall for a wannabe. Had Zack not died, she would of been with HIM. Had Cloud not of taken on Zack's persona, he MIGHT of been smart enough to appreciate Tifa rather than leading her on and being a simple dick since 'clashing swords' with Sephiroth seems more interesting to the blond. *shakes head* I favor Tifa more than lil' miss flower girl since the bar owner is much more independent unlike Aerith/Aeris who was living at home with her mommy.
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  • From LilacPhoenix on November 27, 2008
    Summary for this is simple but discreet just like I wanted it :) since revealing too much tends to scare readers away or cause people to pass judgment first before giving someone a chance.

    Glad to finally see this up & finished ^_~ even if my birthday has long passed.

    I printed this out so I can look over it to myself and it came out as 19 pages long.

    Because I've had several sneak peeks to this lengthy one-shot, I skim-read since most of this appeared the same to me.

    You do have a lot of grammar mistakes in here but I understand why since beta-reading your own stuff when you're not an english major is never easy.

    Thanks for writing this lemon piece on the AkuTa couple. I enjoyed it especially the ending :D

    Your writing gets better and better each time you throw out fan fiction. When you do finally go into original stuff ^_^ I can tell, once you find a good & trustful beta-reader, that you're going to be very successful.

    I almost feel like I should of requested a RokuNami lemon from you instead of this pair because well-written & sexy lemon scenes on those two is EXTREMELY rare o.o yet are a common pair unlike AkuFa.
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