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Reviews for Love Potion #69

By : TheSkull
  • From KitWriter on March 13, 2010
    Hey! how's it going. First of all, since you reviewed my work I took some time to read yours. I appreciate what you said but I'll get to that in a minute.

    Good writing. Fluid style. May I make some suggestions? First of all, when using quotations in a sentence, if the statement in quotes ends, yet you follow up with a 'he said', 'she said' narration, the quotation ends with a coma not a period. And, even if it ends with an exclamation point or question mark, the following narration is lower case.

    "Blah yadda blah," she said. If you say this out loud, it's the narrator telling the story as if aloud, so that's why it works that way. "Yadda yadda, blah?" asked the character.

    If you want more suggestions, I'm full of them. I can even tell you the right way to do things despite my style. What I mean by that is, I don't do things "correctly" either. But I can certainly TELL you how to do it right. I'll give you one more piece of advice - this is one I don't do but good writers DO practice this.... Adverb use in the narration. KILL IT, lol.

    Basically, if you can find a better verb to use in the narration, DO SO. Don't use adverbs. It kills the sense of action and makes for a poor writing style. Let me give you an example!

    First of all, let me write a statement full of regular verbs dressed up by adverbs, then I'll re-write it without any adverbs by using better verbs.

    A) The car slowly moved across the lane, suddenly pushing through the guard rail. It noisily went end over end but quickly slid to a halt on its roof. The front end carefully nosed towards the frightfully sudden drop of a cliff, balancing carefully at the edge.

    B) The car veered across the lane. It plowed through the guard rail. The right passenger tire hit a rut; it spiraled end over end. It careened into the grass upon its rooftop and skidded to a halt, leaving a deep gouge in the ground. The bumper eased over the edge of a precipice, teetering downward like a seesaw at the fulcrum.

    See how I changed things up? Because I used fatter, more commanding verbs and got rid of the adverbs, I was actually a little inspired to change some of the details, too. To me, the sentence feels... like it kicks more ass.

    OKAY... you don't HAVE to use my suggestions, I'm just telling you because no one told me. And one day, I take original work to an editor and he said, "Your ability to tell a story is great, your romance, political intrigue and your drama is good. Your characters are likable but sometimes get a little... wordy. Keep the wordy ones wordy, the non-chatty ones concise and help to make them feel different from one another. Finally... your style and technique needs... massive work." And that's two of the things he told me needed changing. So I'm just passing it on. xD

    OKAY! To reply to YOUR review on Reflections of Regret - THANK YOU! I REALLY appreciate when people take their time to read my material. Actually, this story is the SEVENTH and FINAL story of my Reflections Of StarFox series. I have ones that chronologically take place AFTER this story but I wrote'em years ago. I started on the series in 2005.

    I DO have a FanFiction Net profile. If you go to my profile, down beneath the link to my story, I provide a link to my profile page there, under my suggested reading box. I suggest DETENTE, it's my favorite and it's rather short. If you liked REGRET, feel free to read the other six stories of the "Reflections Series".

    In chronological order, they go, REFLECTIONS OF, "Peppy, Fox M., Krystal, THE FUTURE, Regret, New Generation, Marcus McCloud." That's why I peppered REGRET with author's notes to where something relates to something else in one of the other six stories, so people go, "OH! Okay! They're talking about that one thing that happened in THIS story!" For example, in Ref Of THE FUTURE, near the end, Fox and Krystal are stuck in this old base with Andross bioweapons - a failed experiment to be exact - and they're in real trouble. They're climbing around behind the lab equipment to find access to a crawlspace, assuming that the equipment had to be brought in SOMEHOW, since the computers were bigger than the main doorways (which were blocked by bioweapon failures), and... LOW AND BEHOLD! They find a grenade on the floor. A really old one at that. Well... Back in Reflections of Peppy, chapter 3, Peppy and James were in that base when it was new and they were hired to shut it down. Peppy was attacked by an enemy and lost half of his gear on the floor. One of those grenades were left in the corner behind all the equipment and forgotten about. Two decades later, it's still in that corner, under a rats nest of cables and dust. It's my thing - I like linking stories like that. It got to the point where readers asked me to make mention of where things are linked so they can pop over to the other story and scope out the backstory behind ...whatever I'm linking. So I got into the habit of making these footnotes.

    ANYHOW! I have 19 stories, 5 of which are Sly Cooper (of which 3 are part of a trilogy, and two are just holiday short stories), one castlevania story and the rest are Star Fox.

    Again, I really appreciate you taking the time to read my work! The reason I put Regret up on AFF is because I wanted to dabble in writing something more sexual and adding in a hint more gore without restriction. The story is also posted up on FFnet but the sex has been removed, leaving only innuendo so that the more mature readers will simply know, "something more has happened between the characters," to stay tactful. Surprisingly, a LOT of readers (even ones who are of legal drinking age) do NOT want to read the sexual scenes. So yeah... stuff.

    I won't leave links to my profile on that site because I find it tacky when writers try to advertise themselves on other people's story reviews. But yeah.... stuff. :D

    Thanks again for reading. I'll have chapter 14 up soon - I'll probably chug two more chapters and an epilogue out of Regret; I've written it faster than I wrote any other full story to date. I'm plowing through that bad boy, lmao. Keep up your writing - you do good work. Don't stop! And if you wanted to find me elsewhere, I use "Kit-Karamak" with a hyphen for just about everything. From Live Journal to FaceBook to FanFiction, here, you name it. xD

    -Ken Weaver
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  • From jimfromtx on July 12, 2009
    Very nice, I hope to see it continued!
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  • From DTAngel on July 01, 2009
    Very well done keep up the good work. and Best of luck in writing the rest of it out. Cannot wait till you put Falco in, he is my fav character from the game. Good luck and keep it up.
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