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Reviews for Three and One

By : Woldulnaitsirt
  • From RogueMudblood on August 07, 2012

    I think you've got a very workable start to your tale, but I would like to address a couple of technical things.

    You have quite a bit of repetition in the beginning of the story, with the emphasis on the blood-covered armor. Perhaps rewording the first few sentences would still convey the image you're trying to draw for the reader. You have:

    The barbarian and the monk looked like they had been fighting all day. The barbarian's armor was silver under the current coating of blood. The monk's cloth was bright yellow. The blood on their armor was plentiful. They were avidly discussing the things they had fought as they ate their evening meal.

    A possible change could be:

    They were avidly discussing the things they had fought as they ate their evening meal. The barbarian's armor was encrusted with the dried blood of his many kills, while the monk's bright yellow tunic was saturated with the sanguine fluids of her prey. From the state of their armor, it appeared they had been fighting all day.

    The gore that you are drawing in your image is still conveyed, but without the repetitive use of the word "blood". Starting your sentences with different words also helps in the flow of your writing, making the paragraph less choppy and - overall - easier and more interesting to read.

    A note about registers: women can actually speak and sing in the bass register. Where you have the notation "lower female register, close to an alto" I would make a simple statement about her being a contralto. Your description of the male voice as 'midrange' - I assume you mean tenor? There are several good articles online about the vocal register (head voice vs chest voice) that you might consider perusing if you intend to continue using these terms.

    I like the way you're leading into 'the setup' between Olcsealgaire and Jessa. I'm not quite certain that you're intending to pace this as quickly as it's coming across though.

    And the intrigue you're starting to develop in the second chapter with Valina's interest in Jessa is also quite interesting!

    I also like that you do have your characters realizing that if the hunter does sleep all day while the others are awake, he will be battle-ready at night when they will be tired and ill-prepared.

    You've certainly got an interesting group of characters here. I'm intrigued to see where you will take the relationships between them. The only concern I have in that regard is the pace you're setting. With Olcsealgaire being thus far unaware of the conversations around him, we haven't seen how he will react to suddenly being the center of all this attention.

    Thank you for sharing, and happy writing to you!
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