Click Here!

  • 1

Reviews for Paradise

By : PyramidHead316
  • From ANON - Anon on July 13, 2014
    I will preface my review by saying that I am entirely unfamiliar with this fandom. That has never been a deterrent from my perspective, since the hallmark of a truly good writer is the ability to pull you into a story even if you have little to no frame of reference for the fandom in question.

    I was intrigued by the premise of the story a great deal, and it's always refreshing to see someone writing het. While I do write slash, I also write het, and I enjoy reading it as well.

    When you delve into the actual sex, your writing is at its strongest, with a few falters that may be more gender-related than anything. You focus on the physicality of the sex, and that's a plus. You do, however, break into description that's a bit too clinical at points, i.e., "...sucking his cock and stimulating his body parts in the most pleasurable ways possible." It starts out earthy and becomes far too dispassionate. The same thing happens in a few more places, and I found myself losing the mood due to that sudden switch in tone.

    There are some technical issues. You change perspective from third person to second person randomly, and you change point of view between characters in mid-scene, which can be jarring as well. You also use words more than once in the same sentence, i.e., "Clenching around him, the walls of her sex clenched around his cock tightly..." You restate things that are not necessary: "...she spoke the thought aloud out of her mouth." [emphasis mine] I would assume that anything spoken aloud came from the character's mouth, as opposed to any other orifice. These are things that a decent beta can help you to address, however.

    One thing I would watch, however, is your tendency to use a word incorrectly or inappropriately. For example: "Julie slowly sauntered down his body, snake-like as she worked her way down." Sauntering down someone's body is going to be painful for that person, especially if Julie is still wearing her leather boots. Additionally, "sauntered" and "snake-like" are not complementary metaphors. "Snake-like" conjures imagery of a sinuous, twisting sort of motion that seems entirely out of context with a saunter. Also: "Their hands roamed all over their bodies, as they moaned into the kiss." This brings to mind some awkward images of disembodied hands wandering freely, whereas hands roaming all over each other brings it into better focus. There are more, but I merely intend to provide examples, rather than a detailed beta-read.

    A final thought concerns dialogue. A very long time ago, I was given a technique to use that really did help me immensely. When I write a section of dialogue between two characters, I read it out loud to myself. I don't need to delve into voice impersonations, but I try to give the lines the inflection I intended when I wrote them. I listen closely to how the dialogue sounds out loud. If it sounds stilted to me, it will read that way as well. If it flows naturally to my ear, if it sounds like conversations I might have in real life, then it will come across that way to readers, and make my characters that much more vivid for them.

    On the whole this story has a great deal of potential, with some attention to the repetitive imagery and language, and the changes in POV and tone. A good beta and an eye for some of the more obvious technical issues can go a long way toward making your stories stronger, and attract both attention and reviews.
    Report Review

  • 1
T.O.S. | Content Guidelines | DMCA Info | F.A.Q. | Facebook | Tumblr | Abuse | Support | Contact | Donate

Click Here!