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March 4, 2015 at 12:00 AM
I don't care if this is 5 and a half years too late. I'm reviewing this.
This is probably the last story I'd expect to find here. Honestly, I expected something much, MUCH worse. I'm glad I was wrong. This is a cute story. I've always thought about ShadowxCream. Such an opposite pairing, but thats what makes it so cute and funny (though I wouldn't really consider it "romantic," even I'll admit its a bit creepy for Shadow to be legitimately attracted to her). You did admit that Shadow was a bit OOC. In this situation, I feel like Shadow would be kinda resistant at first, but eventually give in to Cream's affection. I always assumed Shadow gets along with girls more ("most of the guys I know are idiots anyways..."). There were some formatting issues, and bits of dialogue felt off. Example:
“What’s wrong? Don’t like the thunder?” you ask as I look up at you. “I love it when it rains don’t get me wrong it helps the plants grow, but I can’t stand thunder.” I say still holding on to you. After that I feel you putting your arms around me.
Generally, when character perspective an dialogue change, it would be broken up. Also, Cream's sentence gets pretty long-winded. I understand if she's kinda panicked, but it should probably be split up with commas. Here's how I'd write it:
"Whats wrong? Don't like thunder?" you ask as I look up at you.
"I-I l-l-love when it rains, d-don't get me wrong, I know it helps the plants grow, but I can't stand thun-" another flash of lightning, and I grip you tighter.
Then, I feel your arms slowly wrap around me. "Its okay. I'm here."
Not trying to write it out for you (considering I don't think this story will update, or that you'll even see this), thats just my perspective. Is it too much to ask for any sort of update, though?
-Braves26
This is probably the last story I'd expect to find here. Honestly, I expected something much, MUCH worse. I'm glad I was wrong. This is a cute story. I've always thought about ShadowxCream. Such an opposite pairing, but thats what makes it so cute and funny (though I wouldn't really consider it "romantic," even I'll admit its a bit creepy for Shadow to be legitimately attracted to her). You did admit that Shadow was a bit OOC. In this situation, I feel like Shadow would be kinda resistant at first, but eventually give in to Cream's affection. I always assumed Shadow gets along with girls more ("most of the guys I know are idiots anyways..."). There were some formatting issues, and bits of dialogue felt off. Example:
“What’s wrong? Don’t like the thunder?” you ask as I look up at you. “I love it when it rains don’t get me wrong it helps the plants grow, but I can’t stand thunder.” I say still holding on to you. After that I feel you putting your arms around me.
Generally, when character perspective an dialogue change, it would be broken up. Also, Cream's sentence gets pretty long-winded. I understand if she's kinda panicked, but it should probably be split up with commas. Here's how I'd write it:
"Whats wrong? Don't like thunder?" you ask as I look up at you.
"I-I l-l-love when it rains, d-don't get me wrong, I know it helps the plants grow, but I can't stand thun-" another flash of lightning, and I grip you tighter.
Then, I feel your arms slowly wrap around me. "Its okay. I'm here."
Not trying to write it out for you (considering I don't think this story will update, or that you'll even see this), thats just my perspective. Is it too much to ask for any sort of update, though?
-Braves26
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October 28, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I did enjoy that. Thank you for the shout-out. Sorry this read and reply took so long, but us College Students tend to lead busy lives.
It's always nice to see the same story from a different point of view. After all, different eyes see different things, regardless of what's going on. It's a trait i wish was a little more common and popular among other authors and such.
Shadow was a bit ooc, but i liked it even more because of that. This chapter was just as nice as the first.
It's always nice to see the same story from a different point of view. After all, different eyes see different things, regardless of what's going on. It's a trait i wish was a little more common and popular among other authors and such.
Shadow was a bit ooc, but i liked it even more because of that. This chapter was just as nice as the first.
schedule
October 8, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I for one hope this becomes a series. It was most excellent. The flow, the writing style, the turn of events. Even the pairing. I don't think i've seen it before and that makes it more fun. i liked this story and, even if it never gets any further then this, it was a sweet one-shot.
You've at least one fan.
You've at least one fan.