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March 1, 2010 at 12:00 AM
The text is very wordy for a dwarf’s tale… Who’s telling this story? Is it a narrator? Is it a character? The ‘voice’ will help set the tone.
Perhaps this is a long-winded scholar’s rendition or observations of Kellin’s tale? It would be more interesting if told in the 1st person, by Kellin himself – perhaps reflecting back upon this time.
The story appears to be a young, frustrated dwarf coming-of-age as he experiences the real world.
Some basic grammatical mistakes – i.e.
Young enough that he refused to admit to himself both how much he would miss his parents, and how it pained him to defy them so, it was with a determined,ly forward-looking gaze that Kellin arrived in Dale with the rest of the expedition.
Try to avoid repeating words. Luster can be found 2x in the 1st 3 paragraphs. Using words associated with dwarven interests (i.e. luster, shine, glint, etc) is nice; vary them up a little.
~ Rothco ~
Perhaps this is a long-winded scholar’s rendition or observations of Kellin’s tale? It would be more interesting if told in the 1st person, by Kellin himself – perhaps reflecting back upon this time.
The story appears to be a young, frustrated dwarf coming-of-age as he experiences the real world.
Some basic grammatical mistakes – i.e.
Young enough that he refused to admit to himself both how much he would miss his parents, and how it pained him to defy them so, it was with a determined,ly forward-looking gaze that Kellin arrived in Dale with the rest of the expedition.
Try to avoid repeating words. Luster can be found 2x in the 1st 3 paragraphs. Using words associated with dwarven interests (i.e. luster, shine, glint, etc) is nice; vary them up a little.
~ Rothco ~