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Breathe	By : logsig123 Category: +M through R > Mass Effect Views: 4864 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Mass Effect series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from this story.

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Nodacrux
That seems to be the last of the Thorian creepers. And there aren't any slime-covered asari dropping down out of pods, so I figure we're done. If there's anyone still alive in this place, they're probably barricaded in the back rooms of this facility. And there might be some information there that can tell us more about this whole ExoGeni mess. I'm about to head that way when I hear a loud clatter behind me.
Kaidan's dropped his weapon on the floor. His hands are clutching at the wall behind him. His head's tilted back, and his legs don't seem strong enough to support him.
"Kaidan," I say, moving quickly to him. "Talk to me." All I get is a low groan in response.
Garrus says uncertainly, "Is it a migraine? Do they usually come on like this?"
We have helmets on because of the creepers' acid attacks--even the aerosolized cloud lingering immediately after an attack can deliver a world of hurt if you walk into it. I peer in through Kaidan's face shield. His eyes are unfocused, and his breathing is fast and shallow. Shit. I glance up at the overhead lights. They're dim enough that they won't make a migraine any worse. Probably.
"Garrus, help me get him onto the floor over there," I say. "Sometimes lying down helps him." And sometimes it does exactly the opposite, but hell. Hopefully this isn't one of those times. We each take a side, trying to avoid any sudden movements, and carry him into the corridor, well away from the puddles of creeper acid on the floor.
Once Kaidan's horizontal, I reach around his head and pop open the seals holding his helmet on . While Garrus supports Kaidan's neck, I gently ease the helmet off him. I check his pulse. It's elevated, and his skin feels warm, a little too warm. But he's starting to look better. His breathing is slowing down, and after a while his heart rate begins to drop back to normal levels. He blinks, and his eyes focus.
"Shepard?" he says. His voice is hoarse. "Where am I?"
That's not a good sign. "What's the last thing you remember?" I ask him.
I watch his eyes as he searches his memory. "The.. ." He clears his throat. "The creepers... I threw one, and another was almost on me, so I shot it, and then I fired again at the first one, and then I started feeling..." He stops. His gaze drops down, and his skin begins to flush. I check his pulse again. His heart rate's going back up.
"Let's get him to med bay," I say. "I've never seen this before."
"No!" Kaidan's hand grips my arm. "I’m okay." His eyes are closed now, but this is as alert as he's been since the fighting stopped.
"You know," Garrus says from the other room, where he's retrieving Kaidan's weapon from the floor, "I'm pretty sure that even among humans being 'okay' doesn't involve passing out."
Kaidan's eyes open. He looks at me uncomfortably, then looks away again. "I'm fine now, really. It was just... slight oxygen deprivation. I think there may be a problem with the scrubber in my helmet. I'll check it out when we get back." He seems embarrassed, which isn't the most appropriate reaction, in the circumstances.
I look at him. "I don't like unexplained illnesses. You're going to med bay. Now. "
Kaidan sits up quickly, shaking his head. Well, at least that proves something--if he'd tried that stunt with one of his monster migraines he'd be curled into a little ball in the corner. "No. I know what this is. Was. Let's... let's get on with the mission. I promise you, I'm fine now that I can breathe."
I exchange glances with Garrus. He looks dubious, but gestures helplessly, as if to say you're in charge.
I look at Kaidan again. He does seem to be alert and in control now. There's nervousness in his eyes, as if he's afraid he'll be put on report. Or as if he's afraid that I'll lose respect for him if he doesn't soldier on. Why does he still think he has to prove anything to me?
"Alright," I say, getting to my feet. "Let's get this over with. But you're going to the doctor as soon as we get back."
Garrus silently hands Kaidan his dropped weapon, eyeing him skeptically.
We move on. In the back rooms we find a bunch of cowering ExoGeni scientists and the confirmation we need about their 'experiments'. Sick shit, but it's getting harder to be surprised by this sort of thing. When I reject their bribe to look the other way, they and their mercs attack us. It's not much of a fight. Kaidan holds his own, seems just fine.
As soon as we're back on the Normandy, I remind him to go see Dr. Chakwas. He nods. "I'll go as soon as I get cleaned up, Commander."
As I recall, my order was to see the doctor as soon as we get back, not whenever you damn well feel like it. Garrus stares incredulously at Kaidan, who's heading for the elevator, then at me. I frown at Kaidan's fast-retreating back and shake my head, but let it go.
Later, after finishing my mission report, I drop by the med bay to see Chakwas.
"Did Kaidan come by earlier?" I ask.
"He did," she says. "He brought his helmet in, and we spent some time examining it. He was right; the scrubber was definitely malfunctioning. They don't usually--they have to meet stringent quality standards, for obvious reasons, and there are all sorts of fail-safes. But this was a combination of extremely unlikely circumstances. I'm actually writing a letter to the manufacturer about it. As far as we could figure out, there was a weak seal in the second sorbent stage and at some point the particulate matter control device --"
I hold up a hand. "Is he alright?"
"Oh, yes," she says. "He was only mildly hypoxic, and then only for a short time, thanks to you taking off his helmet when you did. Of course, I checked him over thoroughly. He's perfectly healthy. I would have told you, otherwise."
"Thanks, Doc." I head for the door.
"Shepard," she calls. "There is one other thing."
I stop.
"He seemed... agitated," she says. "I think he might be worried about... well, letting you down during the mission, or something. You know this crew. They all worship the ground you walk on."
"If they did, they'd obey my damn orders," I say. "But you may be right about the first part. I'll talk to him."
I leave, intending to go find Kaidan. He wasn't at his usual station outside my quarters when I left them, and he still isn't. But before I can go anywhere, Adams ambushes me. He's got a problem with a requisition for crucial spares and a fucked-up trail of paperwork, and it absolutely can't wait. It takes me the best part of three hours and unpleasant conversations with surly clerks from five different departments of Alliance Logistics Command to get it straightened out. I'm ready to kill someone by the time I finally forward the message with the necessary authorizations to Adams. I get up from my desk, rubbing my neck. It's starting to ache again. Damn bureaucrats.
It's late. Too late to talk to Kaidan, wherever he is. Probably asleep, like I wish I was. But I should probably get something to eat before I turn in. I head over to the mess to grab some rations from one of the storage units there. The place is deserted, but there's a datapad lying on the nearest table. I pick it up. The display flickers on, showing an extranet search result for--what else--porn vids. I roll my eyes. Everybody does it, but most have the sense not to leave the evidence lying around... Wait a minute.
The search bar at the top of the page--it says "breath play". And the vids--I scan through them quickly. These aren't your usual porn vids with unlikely plots wrapped around two-minute servings of sucking and fucking and maybe a cursory silk scarf pulled round the neck for a dash of spice. This is some seriously hardcore shit. The special interest section, for the true connoisseur of oxygen deprivation. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I suddenly feel like I'm in one of those crappy Alliance training vids that ends with some poor bastard swinging from the ceiling and a smarmy jackass with perfectly-pressed creases in his pants telling the camera that "troop welfare is everyone's responsibility."
I grit my teeth and bring up the history of recently-visited sites. There's a growing sense of dread in my gut that easily overrules whatever guilt I feel at this violation of privacy. The list hasn't been cleared for quite some time, maybe a few weeks. There's a definite dom/sub theme--sure, why not. Some light bondage, S&M--yeah, fine. But it's really only today that whoever it is has seriously indulged an interest in erotic asphyxiation.
Whoever it is. Fuck. Who are you kidding? You know who it is. I close the history and turn the datapad off. Why the hell would he leave this lying around here? That makes no fucking sense. It may be the 22^nd century but this isn't the kind of thing people discuss around the water cooler.
I hear a door opening elsewhere on the deck. The restroom. Of course. Well, I guess it isn't too late to talk to Kaidan after all. I consider simply putting the datapad back down where I found it and escaping to my quarters. Pretending none of this ever happened.
No. He's one of yours. You have a duty to him. And especially if you're interested in him as more than a member of your team, you can't keep pretending not to know. And I am interested. Very interested. True--up till now, it’s just been looks. Smiles. Compliments. Flirting, basically. He's been guarded, but open to the idea. Maybe it could have gone on to something from there, maybe not. If I'm going to still be here when he enters the mess, if I'm going to acknowledge the fact that I've seen this... Whatever happens, there's no turning back from that.
I hear his footsteps before I see him. I take a deep breath. He rounds the corner and freezes at the sight of me holding the datapad.
"Kaidan," I say.
He swallows. "Commander."
I hold up the datapad. "Personally, I would have taken this with me. Or at least locked it."
"It locks itself after twenty seconds of inactivity," he says, tonelessly.
I nod. "So, just bad luck I happened to show up when I did. And bad luck that your CO's a nosy bastard. Or maybe good luck, depending on your point of view."
He says nothing. Whatever's going through his mind, whatever he's feeling, it's not showing on his face. His expression is completely neutral. He's closed himself off.
"Kaidan, we need to talk," I say. "Let's go to my office." I walk back towards my quarters. He follows me silently.
In my quarters, I gesture at the pair of chairs around the small conference table. He sits down in one of them. I take the other, asking myself what the hell I'm going to say. Fuck. Why not try the direct approach, at least it's got simplicity going for it.
I lean forward, trying to muster the courage to say what needs to be said.
"Kaidan, it may be that you think this is none of my business, as your CO. And maybe, if I was someone different, I might think the same. But I don't. And..." I sigh. "I consider you a friend."
I look at him, but he's not giving me anything. He might as well be a block of granite.
"Shit," I say. "You're more than a friend to me, Kaidan. And I know you feel the same way. Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part, but I don't believe so."
Is that a flicker of something in his eyes? If so, it's gone in an instant.
Feeling like a drowning man, I continue, "The reason I'm saying this is because... I'm going to ask you some questions. And I'm sorry if it feels like I'm invading your space. But I'm doing this because I care about you." I pause to see if he'll say anything, but I don't really expect him to, and he doesn't disappoint me.
"Kaidan," I say quietly. "Will you answer my questions?"
"Yes, sir." A calm, clipped, military answer. It feels like a slap in the face. But I take a deep breath and go on.
"Earlier today, planetside," I say. "You knew what happened, almost immediately. Because you know what that feels like. You've felt it before?"
"Yes, sir." His expression gives nothing away.
"You've had experience with... 'breath play'," I say.
"Yes, sir."
"Kaidan, you have medical training," I say. "You, of all people, know the dangers." To my own ears, my voice seems stressed. Maybe a little angry. I hadn't meant to sound that way.
"Yes, sir," he says. Calm, emotionless.
I sigh. "Do you... do it often?"
"No, sir."
I rub my hands over my face. Fuck. He's going to make me work for every answer. With this yessir-nosir bullshit. The back of my neck is seriously aching now but I don't touch it, because I can feel him looking at me. God, Kaidan, I really don't want to be doing this.
Unexpectedly, he says softly, "Haven't for a long time."
I look at him. I blink. "When...?"
"Years ago. After Jump Zero. I found someone to... teach me about control." His gaze is distant. "It wasn't really a relationship, not as most people would understand it. And it didn't last long, after..." He laughs, once, humorlessly. "After I had learned all that I could."
I’m starting to understand, a little. "What exactly did you learn from him?"
He glances at me. "You're sure it was a him?"
"Yes," I say. His browsing history told me that much.
He runs his hand through his hair. "Yeah," he says. "He taught me to submit." He looks at me, clearly expecting me to say something. Maybe he's expecting some sort of shock or outrage.
I think about what he's said, about what I know of him. I say, slowly, "Most people see submission as giving up control. But you don't."
He looks at me. He seems surprised... maybe a little disturbed?
"What do I see it as, then?" he asks. Challenging me.
I slide the datapad back and forth on the table between my hands as I think. "You see it as maintaining control," I say. "Self-control. Despite pain, or humiliation, or fear. Self-control, in the face of provocation and... temptation." I think about it a little more. "Learning to separate what you know from what your body's instincts and emotions are telling you. Exercising control over what you decide to do about it. Or not do." I nod to myself, and give the datapad one last flick so it slides towards him, and sit back. "Vyrnnus," I say, by way of example.
He's definitely disturbed now. His gaze drops to the floor. "You're asking me questions you already know the answers to," he says quietly.
I say, "If I know the answers, it's because you gave them to me, one way or another."
He seems to accept this. His dark eyes meet mine. "What else do you want to know?"
A thought strikes me and I go with it. "Your, uh, teacher? Did anything happen to him?"
"I left him alive and well, if that’s what you mean," he says angrily. "That was kind of the whole point." He seems about to say more, but catches a glimpse of my face and subsides. He gives me a look of disgust. "You're just baiting me."
I choke back a laugh. "I'm sorry. I know it's not funny, but I have... an inappropriate sense of humor sometimes. And it's late." I clear my throat. "Tell me about the breath play."
He shrugs. "He tested my limits. A lot. And..." He shakes his head. "It heightens sensations. Sometimes, a kind of euphoria. I’m sure you know it can be addictive. I'd... almost forgotten how good it can feel. Earlier today, after all these years, it triggered... associations."
I nod. "When you almost 'collapsed', that wasn't you feeling unwell."
He looks at me. "Not unwell, no." He tilts his head slightly. "I did say I'd clean up before seeing the doctor."
I snort. "Yeah, you did say that. And there I was thinking you were being insubordinate for no good reason."
He smiles. It's a quick smile, soon gone. His smile was the first thing I noticed about him, back when we met. Back when the Normandy still had that new-ship smell.
"I guess I haven't really learned all I need to know about control," he says. He's staring at nothing. His fingers tap briefly on the surface of the datapad, then stop.
"Kaidan." I lean forward again. "Just promise me... if you do it, don't do it alone. Please. Have someone there--someone you trust--to get you out of trouble, if something goes wrong."
He's silent for a long time. Just looking at me. When he finally speaks, he says, "Are you offering, Shepard?"
I control my reaction to the question, to his use of my name, to the thoughts that are suddenly clamoring in my mind. I wait a few moments to be certain my voice will be steady before I answer.
"If that's what you want," I say. I look into his eyes. "There's a lot of other things I'd like to offer you, but... I'll give you whatever you want, Kaidan."
He sits back in his chair, stares at his hands. "I don't know what I want," he says.
I wait. I've said all I want to say.
His tone is harsher now, bitter. "And even if I did, is there any reason that I should get what I want? There are more important things to be concerned with right now. Things that we should all be concerned with." He glances at me. "The galaxy going to hell, for one. I don't think my personal issues should take the spotlight. With all due respect." A pause. "Sir."
It's a punch to the gut. God, Kaidan. I close my eyes and bite down on my knuckle.
Abruptly, he stands up. "Thank you for the talk, sir. I appreciate your time." His face is expressionless. He's closed himself off again. The conversation's over.
"Good night, Kaidan," I say mechanically.
"Good night, sir."
I hear the scrape of the datapad being picked up off the table, his footsteps receding. I don't look up as the door opens and shuts.
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Breathe