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Ciaphas Cain's Evil Twin	By : another_ficer Category: +S through Z > Warhammer 40,000 Views: 12462 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Ciaphas Cain franchise, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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    Disclaimer: This is the view I had of Cain when I read all the descriptions of him without reading the novels. I have now read the novels, and am left with the high contrast between what I thought of him - and probably what most people who haven't read the books think of him - and what he really is like in the books. If you're Cain fan and don't want to see him in a more negative light than he is portrayed in the novels, don't read this. You have been warned. This is just something fun to share with my fellow didn't-read-the-Cain-novels-but-I'm-pretty-sure-how-it-is netizens - I guarantee you it's not like this. Added plenty of sexual references, since this is an adult site and all, thought it may take from the parody/"vision" a little.

   For our purposes, the story takes place in an Alternate Universe, and "Evil Twin" is an euphemism for Alternate Universe!Cain. Wherever inconsistencies with the Wh40k pop up, keep that in mind. If inconsistencies from in-universe information appear, blame it on the narrator. I can guarantee you that at least one of the versions is true ... or Cain's skipping through the multiverse without telling us.

   Strolling aboard the decks of the Righteous Wrath, Cain finally felt as home after the decades he had "served" aboard that ship.

   He remembered the first days, the stupidity of the beaurocrats that threatened to undermind his easy life by mangling two regiments into one - that was preposturous! Women warriors was one thing, but serving besides the men? Everyone knew the 301st was older, more disciplined and more entitled to its name than those bitches in the 296th. But as a good charismatic Commissar, he toned that down.

   He remembered meeting Kasteen, that hopeful face that her regiment was to be treated equally - maybe even superior - to that of the men! Ridiculous. Her red hair and hopeful blue eyes made Cain sick, and he even thought he saw a gleam of lust (for manipulating him) in her young eyes. Well, that would change. At least the uniform was appealing to the eye, but he could see how to make improvements to it.

   The meeting with Kasteen and Broklaw was better received by Cain, who took a liking to the man immediately - he was a man, he knew what he was going through. Though they kept it civil, Cain subtly and charismatically moved the discussion towards lowering the rights of the women slightly - as well as their positions - and rising the men. He was the morale officer after all, and such things, he claimed, would indeed improve morale. Kasteen didn't object much - little experience, no people to lean against if Cain would actually shoot her. He subtly emphasized that point too.

   While Kasteen left, he kept Broklaw for some more time, to her apparent indiference, to talk some strategies for integrating the men.

   "Just men stuff, Kasteen, hope you don't mind. We know best what the male troops will want from this regiment." She accepted his explanation without blinking.

   After their meeting, Broklaw left a happy and grinning man. Things would shape up, indeed.

   But it was the riot that gave Cain definite cause to act. When the woman was accused to have thrown the first punch, both Cain and Broklaw were eager to back that up. Cain even claimed to have been around when the fighting started, and nobody's word could best his - they knew they'd get a lasbolt in the head if they tried. He'd actually been hiding the entire time, and came in last, seeing the disaster unfold. He sent the riot pacifier in. There were deceased, of course, but at least Cain was safe behind the knocked-down tables. He got all the credit, in time, since nobody would put themselves between Cain and his worshippers, even if to invent - though in this case they wouldn't - their involvement in the pacifying of the riot.

   Things escalated when, before the guilty were to be executed, so were one tenth - though Cain strongly suggested two tenth - of the women soldiers. Kasteen practically begged in front of a steel-faced Cain and a grinning Broklaw.

   "But sir, they're not blame for one person's-"

   "Nonsense", Cain interrupted, "they helped the perpretator continue and escalate the riot. An example must be set."

   Kasteen face dropped, looking resigned, then looked half-up to him. "Isn't there any way we can... reduce the number of casualties?"

   Cain suppressed a snicker and asked Broklaw to leave them to discuss the issue of the women as they'd discussed the issue of the men. Ordinarily, Broklaw would have been worried and that might have even made him insist he'd stay, but he thought he knew Cain now, knew how he'd kept all his other assignments and his own career in check, and while he didn't exactly trust him, he trusted Cain's ability to steer a regiment.

   When they were alone, Cain continued. "I may think about it, but the price will be steep."

   "It's better than 2 tenths of my people be summarily executed for what they didn't-"

   "Er-hem", Cain interrupted.

   "Right, sorry sir." Kasteen interrupted.

   "As I said, an example has to be made. The guilty have to be punished."

   "Of course, sir!" Kasteen answered eagerly.

   "And some have to die. Maybe less, if other punitive actions will be enforced. Say, even less than 1 in 10. I'm willing to go as far as 1 in 50."

   Kasteen's heart skipped a beat. This was a lot better. 5 times her troops would be spared.

   "Provided, of course, of the other punitive actions..."

   "Of course, sir!"

   Cain supressed another snicker, though by this time, Kasteen wouldn't be even noticing, only looking for disapproval on his face.

   "First off, the 296 will no longer exist." Kasteen looked puzzled, maybe a little worried that they'll be turned into a penal legion, but things were going well - he wouldn't go that far after giving her so much hope. "This regiment will be from on known only as the 301st, and I expect your troops - your remaining troops - to live up to that name!"

   "Yes, sir!" She said with fake overjoy.

   "Secondly, all the women ranks, except for yourself, will only subordonate themselves to the higher male rank, and - if they have too high a rank - they'll be demoted for that man to take the role. After all, we're doing the Emperor's duty, we're not glory-hounds."

   They both suppressed a snicker at that, knowing his reputation.

   "And thirdly..." he said, coming up close to her, "You and your girls will be nicer to the men... a lot nicer... and will provide entertainment when it is required", he continued, invading her personal space although she didn't give signs of discomfort.

   "Yes, sir." she answered clipped, but not with enthusiasm.

   "Fail in either of these three tasks and a penal regiment awaits your troops. Is that clear?" he said, touching one of her breasts through her uniform.

   "Yes, sir." She said, without flinching.

   "Good, you may leave now, and do your job. I expect you in my cabin tonight at sleep-time."

   "Yes, sir." She saluted and left like she has just been told to prepare another drill. Cain smiled. Yes, the morale will rise around his, amongst other things...

   Cain had it all planned out after that. The executions followed, the "randomly" selected troopers coincidentally being the ugliest ones in the regiments, whatever their skills and ranks were. Few women noticed, but the men did and were grateful. Most of them saw where this was going and were ready to give their lives for Cain - or save his, when the time came - for what they'd give them. All according to plan.

   Only one certain Sulla escaped the purge, as Cain read her as an interesting unladylike butch dyke with a relatively sharp mind, a hero worship of Cain, and the hate for lax behavior, whatever the gender. She was the only one allowed to give orders to men, through which Cain proved two things: that if a woman was competent (say, like Kasteen), she was allowed to give orders to all those below her ranks, and that only two women deserved this honor, thus women must be inferior. Sulla took these commandments - although never spelled out, but subtly encouraged - with no problems and soon she had made a dyke club of proffessionals that would give orders to other women through the authority of "Lady Sulla". Of course, they had no actual authority, but this satisfied Cain that, besides the half of the male regiment, he'd have on his side around half of the women, and very likely, those aggressed by them would put all their adullation into Cain too, even broken as they were about to become.

   Cain enjoyed Kasteen's company well. Her uniform was "taking water" each passing day, but, as she put it, "her pride as a Valhallan" made her keep the same clothes none-the-less. The truth was of course that after each visit, Cain would make some hands-on modification to it. Only Broklaw and Jurgen knew that for a fact, both grinning at her any time she'd left his cabin, which was close to morning, sometimes too close for (her) confort. Of course, that meant her performance (as a Colonel at least) fell substantially, but both Cain and Broklaw thought it was normal for a woman and decided to act "chivalierly" about it and not make too much fuss (on official lines, at least). This did however meant a blow for her troops, who were punished for her "negligence": their curfews were earlier than the men's, they got fewer hours to train and more to repent, the Chapel started to be open all day for whipping these women into further submissing to Cain and the Emperor. Nobody could argue with the validity of the actions, and few wanted to.

   On another of Kasteen's slips, a new order was issued: since women soldiers couldn't be trusted to do things right alone, all women were to be housed in a quarter with a man. The man, being more resourceful, would program their schedule as he saw fit, and would teach them the finer actions of the guard. This lead exactly to what Cain expected, and soon those Valhallan haughties were broken to cock-whores and believed that's all they were. Well, all except Sulla's flock. Those were superior breeds of women, and could only have Cain's cock - or who they chose, as long as Cain gave them permission to.

   By this time, Cain was getting tired of Kasteen and started giving her to Broklaw and Jurgen. Broklaw wasn't even remotely surprised, having sampled some of the trooper pussies and heard the rumors about how the men were breaking them. Broklaw wasn't by far stupid, and knew it started from above, not from below, and started seeing Cain's full plan, intelligence and resourcefulness, and was happy with the situation, hell, happy that he could serve besides someone like Cain and not some Emperor-botherer trigger-happy commissar. He was still a little worried about Sulla and her possee, but decided to let her be, figuring Cain was paranoid enough to need a falesafe against him and the men if something was up. Make a thousand secret societies, turn them against each other, keep them in a perpetual cold war, make them all want your gratitude... he had heard this tactic employed before, though he could vaguely recollect it had been some Chaos psycher's. Oh well, no reason to dwell on it too much.

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   My vision seems to have been impaired by porn, so enjoy the weirder and weirder porn of Warhammer 40000 featuring Ciaphas Cain. I might try to reinvent the Universe without falling into porn next time. I hope.
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Ciaphas Cain's Evil Twin