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Kelly's Last Nerve	By : MissionFromBog Category: +M through R > Mass Effect Views: 9950 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a nonprofit parody/fan work. No money is being made. I do not own Mass Effect and will remove this story on request from the copyright holders.

Chapter List
- 1-Kelly's Last Nerve
- 1
Kelly Chambers was exhausted. The Collectors' march through human colonies had everyone on edge, and she'd nearly run herself ragged trying to help. She'd answered at least twenty emails, carefully thinking out each response. She'd happened to drop in on three different crew members brooding over missing family members. And she'd been pulled into a dozen hushed conversations in the hallways by people who didn't have anywhere else to go, usually starting with a shamefaced "Hey, um, if you don't mind." But that was okay. Because she'd made time for all of them. And that meant that at least for today, nobody on the Normandy had to face their monsters alone.
Swollen feet, a rumbling stomach, and a headache were a small price to pay for that. At least Gardner had left some of the good stuff out. Kelly padded into the mess, moving to see what she could scrounge out of the mid-rat bins.
"Hey Chambers!" Kelly pressed her lips together in a line and took a deep breath. Just ignore him. Whitney's just an ass. Ignore him, get something to eat, and then you can finally take some time to yourself. "Chambers, we heard there's scale itch going around the ship." The crowd at the mess table broke into snickers. "Wouldn't know anything about that, would you?" The table broke down into hoots.
Kelly's eyes narrowed.
Allright.
That. Was. Fucking. It.
Reaching into the coldbox, Kelly allowed herself a grin as she found her weapon. Then replaced it with a cheery smile as she picked it up and turned around, sauntering over to the table.
"I'm sorry." Her voice was sweetness itself. "Did you just imply," She tore open the wrapper on the popsicle, tossing it in the trash. "That I had sex with a varren?" She raised her eyebrows inquisitively, bringing the bright red popsicle up to her lips and gently running them over the tip. Whitney blinked at that, but rallied with a laugh.
"Nope. I don't think you'd stop at one. Probably pulled the whole pack!" More laughter from his cronies, but fading a bit. Kelly wasn't reacting the way they expected. Some of them were smart enough to be nervous about that.
"Mmm, I can see why you'd think that." Kelly's tongue traced down the length of the popsicle slowly. "Good old Kelly the bicycle, always ready for a...ride." At that last word she reached the top, licking the sweet juice into her mouth with a satisfied sigh. "Such limited imaginations. But fear not boys," she sashayed forward and leaned in on the table, her face inches from his as he drew back. "I'm going to educate you." Kelly brought the popsicle up and took a bite from the tip. Her audience visibly flinched.
She drew back. "I really do love everybody, you know. I remember everything that happens to them. I know when they're...lonely." She put a purr into that last word. "We're fighting powers older than our species. We're carrying the fate of the entire human race, right here." The popsicle was back in her mouth, and Kelly used her other hand to trace along one shoulder, slowly spreading sticky juice over her skin. "But as long as I'm on the ship, nobody- nobody! has to face that alone. Or bottle their fears up inside until they turn into poison. I think that's worth some respect, don't you?" Without waiting for an answer, Kelly slid the popsicle over her lips, giving a little shrug as she did a quick turn. The mess hall was dead silent.
"But sure. Let's talk about sex." Kelly's lips formed that word, them slid down over the popsicle, drawing tight. "I love sex. I love how it feels when a lover touches you in just the right places. I love finding out what makes them tick, getting inside their head and using what I learn to drive them crazy. I love the control it gives me, and the control I can give up with the right partner."
She sighed and licked the popsicle again, feeling it melt against her tongue. "And yes, that includes all kinds of partners. Why should I restrict myself to sensations from only one species? Or one gender?" Kelly smirked knowingly at the last bit, watching Whitney's eyes pop out. Gotcha. She walked forward again, leaning in, almost conspiratorial.
"A hanar's whole body is an erogenous zone if stimulated correctly. Whole new meaning to full-body orgasm. Salarians? Let me tell you, those tongues ain't just for catching flies. And Drell, if you know what you're doing?" Kelly closed her eyes for a moment, then grinned. "Forget about it. Ever orgasm in blue, Whitney? I have. I've made love with asari who were studying the arts of pleasure back when we were still figuring out gunpowder. I've let go of everything, even the air I breathe, and felt what that surrender's like. And I've broken people open," she tapped the popsicle against her lips in time with her words, "just to build them back up in the way that would please us both."
Kelly giggled at Whitney's shell-shocked expression. "I love sex. It's fun. Calling me names because of that, well...at the end of the day, I've experienced sensations because of it that you've never even imagined. But Whitney?" Kelly walked away, hips swinging, then turned, popsicle pressed to her lips. "I'm always safe. I choose my lovers carefully, from those I know can psychologically handle the intimacy, or even be improved by it. Those whose authority wouldn't be undermined by the relationship, and don't have someone who will be jealous, whether they know it or not. Because as fun as my hobby is, I don't shit where I eat." A girlish giggle. "I have lovers on this ship. I'm sure you've heard rumors. Half of them aren't true, and the ones the rumor mill hasn't guessed, well." Kelly ran her lips over the diminishing popsicle, closing her eyes against it.
"That also means I practice safe sex, whatever that means for a given species. It's gotten me quite a collection. So let me close by telling you five true things, Whitney." Kelly leaned in again, sucking away at the last of the cherry treat. "One. I don't fuck varren. Two. If I did, I damn sure wouldn't get scale itch. Three. I know exactly who brought it on the ship, how, and why. Four. I would never, ever tell anyone, because everyone's secrets are safe with me, no matter what.
"And five?" Kelly grinned as she licked the last of the popsicle off the stick, then leaned in to pat his shoulder. "Sorry. But you're not my type." She drew back. Whitney's mouth was working, but no sound was coming out. Every other man at the table was dead quiet. Some of them wouldn't meet her eyes. Others looked at her like they had never seen her before.
"G'night boys." Kelly turned on her heel and headed for the elevator. As she walked away, her fingers flicked, and a bare popsicle stick sank into the trashcan.
- 1
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Kelly's Last Nerve