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Shore Leave	By : LuciferDragon Category: +M through R > Mass Effect Views: 8934 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the Mass Effect universe and I make no money from this story.

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I dragged a towel through my hair, glad to be rid of the after-battle gunk. I was never a priss, but what girl could say no to a hot shower? It wasn’t exactly the hot tub that waited for me at the apartment (mm, the memories of that hot tub), but it worked just as well to clean. I hissed at a sudden knot on my side. The shower worked well in the cleanliness area, but not so much in relaxation. I wrapped the towel over my chest, leaving my hair to dry on its own.
The door slid open as I approached it, running a brush through my shoulder-length locks. I frowned at my private terminal as I saw it flashing. I put the brush down next to the terminal and brought up the message.
Commander,
Since we have to go all over the Citadel to drop shit off, why not take a day to relax?
-Joker
I smiled and shook my head. Why not? I needed the break from the missions and the bullets. Not that it ever stopped idiots from causing my trigger finger to “slip” while I was trying oh-so hard to get rid of my scars. Karin had insisted several times she could heal them if I couldn’t keep my bullets in their clip, but I didn’t see the point. I did what I had to do. I gave very little chances to warrant my mercy to those who met my gun.
Besides. I wasn’t the only one to be driven wild by scars.
I sat at the terminal, tapping reply.
Why not? It’d be nice to sleep in my own apartment for once.
I leaned back in my chair, turning to watch the fish. I had missed my hamster, but he couldn’t be returned to the shelf. While I couldn’t hold the fish, I could still take some calm from their movements. I was at least getting some sort of catharsis from the animals, as meager as the interaction was.
Immediately, my terminal pinged with messages, all asking if I wanted to do something when I had dropped off all the missions I had picked up around the Citadel. I groaned and let my head fall back to the rest. No rest for the wicked, indeed. I had given them a damned party last week, to raise their spirits about the inevitable battle.
I’d have to make a note to be a little less paragon with my crew if I wanted any moment of peace alone. Or, not really alone.
"Shepard, is it just the alcohol talking, or do you have vids running in your head of us mostly naked, completely alone, and shamelessly rolling all over a couch?"
I bit my lip, sorting through the messages. We had tried that, but there wasn’t much room to roll around on couches in my small seating area. That apartment, however…
I heard they rebuilt the sushi place and included dextro seafood. We should go and have a few drinks.
-Tali
I frowned at that one. My friendship with Tali was starting to become strained. I was typically not a jealous woman. I knew he had been with other women, and he knew I had been with other men. From what I understood, he was actually quite attractive by turian standards, and so it didn’t surprise me if he ever turned heads. He took the turns I received with a grain of salt. He would just make more of a show to spur jealousy.
However, after going to check on him and her in both the main battery and engineering, I had found them conversing. His side was full of camaraderie, but hers… I was a woman. I knew the flirting games. There are some things a translator is not needed for.
Speaking of…
I needed to ask Chakwas something anyway
I got dressed, leaving the rest of the messages to sit for later. The ship time was pretty late anyway. The reason why I received so many messages was probably due to last-minute tablet dabbling as the others in my squad were supposed to be sleeping. When I was supposed to be sleeping. I frowned as I pulled a loose tank over my head, not bothering with a bra. I was going right to sleep after my inquiry. Hopefully. The nightmares were becoming too much.
I slipped a black N7 sweater over the white tank, pulling my wet hair from the hood. It was two sizes too big, but I made do. Apparently when I placed the order, they thought I was a man. I scoffed, pulling on black sleep shorts, long enough for my comfort. I hated crotch huggers, yet these still were almost invisible under the jacket. I wasn’t afraid of my legs. I worked damn hard for the physique I had.
I left the cabin, in search of some sort of escape to sleep for at least tonight.

I left the elevator, looking away from the names staring back at me on the board. I had long since convinced myself nothing could have been done for them. But those damned nightmares… that fucking kid. A sharp knot formed in my gut, setting my chest tighter. My heart reacted to the sudden shock, sending an aftershock down my limbs. I took a deep, steadying breath and quickened my bare-footed steps into the medical ward when I saw the lights still on. “Dr. Chakwas?” I asked softly. I may be a ruthless bitch to others, but to my crew, they held my loyalty.
She looked up from her work. “Commander? It’s late. You should be resting for your tour around the Citadel.”
I wish I had Kelly to talk to about the matter, but Chakwas was the only option. “I’ve been… having nightmares. Since we left Earth. I’ve been able to sleep through them so far, but… it’s getting harder to.”
She turned completely in her chair and indicated to a bed with her hand. I sat. “Dreams of what, Commander?”
"I—" I didn’t want her to think I was crazy. But, this was the same woman who fully believed in my visions, as insane as they were at first. She was a woman I could trust. "I hear the dead. I see shadows of others who have perished." I let the sleeves fall over my fingers as I held on to my arms. The sharp pinpricks were erupting over my chest again. "I’m in a forest. Chasing a boy I tried to save on Earth." I saw she was looking intently at me, not moving. My heart quickened. "I can’t run. Time is slowed down, but the voices are still there. I hear Ash, Mordin, Thane even. Hell, Legion was there at one point." I rubbed at my eyes. "I can’t sleep." I got up suddenly. I had to move. It felt like if I didn’t move, I was going to burst. "I can’t… I don’t know what to do, Karin. I did what I had to. Every time. I did what had to be done for the greater good." I wasn’t telling. I was asking. Pleading. I honestly wanted to know. Not from someone who thought so much like me it made me question if I were born to the correct species. I wanted to know from someone who didn’t think a pull of the trigger was easier than dragging a lowlife into a corrupt system for processing. "Didn’t I?"
"You did what you had to do, Commander. Do not ever question your calls. The krogan have proven they are capable of change. They have shown the rise in the genophage is something they have deserved for a long time now. Mordin gave his life to provide this, yes, but he was making recompense for what he had done to start it." I kept pacing as she continued to talk. "Shepard, you have to make these calls. You’ve done it all your life."
"I was never close to those I sent to their deaths," I snapped, my pace stopping dead. I hadn’t known when it happened, but the crew had been my family. I never had one before, and I had become deathly protective. Everyone who died by my calls now tore me up inside, leaving me with holes I never knew I was capable of. My chest grew tight again, forcing my pace into motion. "I never knew the stories of the others from Torfan. I never knew who had family issues. I never knew who was treated poorly. I never knew when someone had unfinished business they needed help with. I did everything I could to see them home from the Relay so they could have a future."
"First off, you need to breathe. You’re having a panic attack."
I was trying. Nothing would calm me down enough to deal with this. Nothing on my own. I forced myself to sit down and take deep breaths to calm down a bit.
"Commander, you have done everything you could to make sure the galaxy avoided this exact situation. What happens now is something unavoidable. This is war, isn’t that what you used to say?"
It was truly what I believed. But that was in the beginning, before…
"I love you."
I knew he’d ruin me for more than human men. “Things… change.”
She nodded, seeming to understand as my gaze flicked to the main battery, where I knew he would still be absorbed in his work until I reminded him that even overgrown lizards needed sleep at some points of the night. “Things are allowed to change.” She got up and searched one of her locked cabinets in the back of the ward. “Maybe your scarring would even start to clear up if you embraced the change.”
I chuckled, feeling a little more calm shine through. I supposed laughter really was a powerful medicine. “With how I handle situations? No, these scars and eyes are here to stay. You have no idea how many times I’ve screamed in my head to shoot many a son of a bitch in my way.”
She tossed a small bottle of pills in my hand, letting me see the label read my full name. “I suppose there is no helping it. You need that temperament to deal with that boyfriend of yours.”
I rolled the bottle in my fingers as she sat down again. “Honestly, I was like this before I met him. The cybernetics just show a physical manifestation of how little I will put up with.”
A corner of her mouth quirked up. “If I may be so bold, Commander?” I nodded. “Despite how many times I say to fix them… you look better with them. Heavens knows women with fair skin aren’t taken seriously until you have to press your gun to their temple. At least now you can’t be assumed to be anything but what your reputation has you labeled as.” She nodded to the bottle. “Sleeping pills. They’ll only put you to sleep, not keep you asleep. But at least this way dreams are not formed. You should be able to sleep a full night if you have no noise to wake you up.”
And with the constant hum of the engine, I was usually dead to the world, even on the worst of nights. I never felt or heard the mattress shift. However, I would for sure be in trouble if I chose to not sleep alone in the apartment. Which, given the dreams, was appearing more and more like a horrible idea to sleep alone. Especially since I hadn’t had time to accept I had a stationary (ha, space station, stationary, I’d have to remember that one) home in pretty much my whole life. “Thank you, Karin. Really.”
Her smirk broadened. “I wasn’t exactly an innocent girl in my early years either.” She leaned forward. “I believe it is your turn to provide the bottle of ice brandy for our meeting.”
I met her grin. “I’ll pick some up on the Citadel.”
"Now get some rest. You’ll need it for your tour." She shooed me out of the med bay. I watched the lock turn red for the night and the shutters closed, leaving me basically alone on the crew deck. My eye caught the green of the main battery lock. I rolled my eyes, realizing he was absorbed yet again. I slipped the pills into my pocket and approached the door. Reminding him to come to bed in person could have an advantage over telling him on the comm. It took away the teasing of his voice on his way upstairs to get me ready for him, but I was right here anyway. I hesitated, my fingers over the lock as I heard his rumble of a tone on the other side.
It was late to be talking to anyone. I was fairly certain by his sleeping patterns Palavan time matched the Normandy’s fairly well, ruling out his family. That left… no, she wouldn’t. I touched the release, stepping inside on the balls of my feet, feeling a bit playful. I needed some sort of distraction to brush off the residual panic in my chest. Though my heart sank as I heard just the voice I hadn’t wanted to hear.
"Somebody has to stick around to keep you in line."
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