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Commander ShepHARD	By : lordsesshy Category: +M through R > Mass Effect Views: 7310 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect, and I make no profit off of this work of fiction!

Chapter List
- 1-Commander ShepHARD
- 1
Author's Comments: Okay, so this fic is pretty silly. But I really had a blast writing it! There will be a chapter 2, containing nothing but smut, essentially. This fic is set in mid-ME1. Give me feedback, I want it all.
Commander Shepard was not in a good mood. He was on an unparalleled dry spell. None of his crew seemed to mind, but he couldn't stand to go celibate for much longer. You'd think being a spectre would have you knee deep in space-pussy (?)... in reality, you get treated with equal parts admiration and fear.
Maybe if he kept himself busy --and not in that way-- during the flight-time between missions, he wouldn't dwell on his pent up sexual desires so much.
So that's what Shepard did. He finished all of his paperwork, recorded some interviews with news outlets over the holoweb, and had a nice chat over some tea with Dr. Chakwas, arguably his favorite person onboard the ship. Afterwards, he talked with Kaiden a bit. For whatever reason, Shepard and Kaiden didn't seem to get along too well. They didn't hate each other, by any means, but they weren't best of friends. It would be accurate to say that they coexisted.
Finishing his civil chat with Alenko, Shepard decided to go see how things were with the rest of his crew, and headed to the cargo bay. He put on his 'Nothing is wrong, I'm in command.' face, and got off of the giant, slow-ass elevator.
"Garrus, how are things?" Shepard asked, finding Garrus standing next to the Mako, as he usually was.
"Things are great, Commander. Such a change of pace from C-SEC," Garrus answered, showing more happiness than you'd usually see from a Turian.
"And it's great to have you on this crew, Garrus," Shepard replied. He always liked keeping crew morale high, and compliments from the commander, while sparse, had quite an effect.
"Th-thank you, commander," Garrus responded, surprised, and inwardly beaming at the praise he had just received.
Shepard had a sneaking suspicion that if a turian could blush, Garrus would be.
Shepard left Garrus to his endless calibrations on the Mako, and tried his damnedest to sneak up on Ashley. He'd do anything to make his daily rounds a bit more lively.
"You're the greatest soldier in the galaxy, Shepard, not quite the sneakiest," Ashley said without turning around, stopping a slightly-crouched Shepard in his tracks.
"What gave me away?" Shepard asked, a hint of mock dejection in his voice.
"Ohhhh, I dunno, maybe I could hear you talking to Garrus like 10 feet away?" she responded with her characteristic sarcasm that she so often used towards Shepard. She quickly remembered she was talking to her commanding officer, and addressed him as such. "Anything I can do for you, Commander?" She asked, respectfully, as she turned to face him.
'Ohhh yeah, there's a LOT you could do for me right now, Ash...' Shepard caught himself thinking, before finally responding "How about we hit up the chow hall and have some drinks, you and I?" he said the last part rather suggestively.
Ashley was caught off guard, and answered hastily "Shepard I don't know if... I can't. I mean, I'd like to, but, I can't. I'm expecting a call from home tonight, and I need to be ready for the next mission, and I..."
Shepard cut her off before she could finish listing all of her excuses or reasons why she couldn't. "It's fine. I was out of line for even asking. Goodnight, Ashley."
It wasn't quite nighttime yet, but he didn't imagine he'd see her again until tomorrow, with how awkwardly that ended. They had a weird tension between the two of them, and sooner or later, it would snap.
Shepard lamented the fact that he had failed to seduce Ashley. Looks like his hand will be his only sexual conquest tonight.
Shepard sighed and made his way to Tali. He knew it was a lost cause to try and seek a bit of sexual release with Tali, but he enjoyed her quirky personality nonetheless.
Tali was leaning over the railing along the mass effect core's perimeter, just staring at it. Shepard leaned over the railing next to her, silently waiting to see if she'd ever notice he was there. After a couple of humorous minutes, Shepard broke the strange silence, "Hello Tali."
Tali noticably jumped out of her quasi-trance and turned to face Shepard. "Oh, h-hi commander.. sorry, I was just lost in thought." She meekly said, wondering just how long he'd been standing there.
"Thinking about the drive?" Shepard questioned, curious to know what had her so engrossed.
"Oh, no, I think I may have discovered a way to make all of our firearms more effective!" Tali beamed, excitedly.
"I think they're already pretty efficient, Tali.. especially if you know just how much you can get away with shooting before your gun gets useless." Shepard responded, curious as to how anyone could make the weapons they had any better.
"Well, when out on the field you have to guess just how much you can shoot before your gun overheats, right? Well if we had cartridges with heatsinks that used one a shot, you'd know exactly how many shots you'd have before you needed a new cartridge!" Tali was speaking quite quickly now, very excited by her 'discovery'.
"I... ... suppose?" Shepard half-heartedly responded, thinking this sounded an awful lot like ammunition. "It kind-of seems like regression, to me, though..." Shepard trailed off, not wanting to crush the young Quarian's enthusiasm over her 'new idea'.
"Oh, not by any means! It allows for greater combat effectiveness, if you have enough cartridges, you can fire more rounds and reload much faster than a weapon overheat." Tali was surprisingly unphased by Shepard's lack of faith (A/N: She did NOT find it disturbing, hahaha... I'll shut up). Perhaps she was used to people thinking her ideas were no good.
"Well, when you get the kinks out, maybe you can submit it to the Galactic Council of Sciences. I'm sure it'll be an easy task for them to replace every single firearm in the galaxy," Shepard said, sarcasm rolling off in waves. Shepard realized how his bad mood was causing him on to be rude to this nice young girl. About to apologize, Shepard was amazed at Tali's gleeful response.
"You really think so?!? I'm gonna work on this night and day until I feel it's ready to be presented!" Tali exclaimed, running off to her quarters. Maybe Quarians just can't detect sarcasm through that suit...
Shepard scratched his head and trudged on over to Wrex, his last stop. En route to Wrex's never-changing spot, Shepard was trying to figure out how he'd spend the rest of his lonely day once he finished his rounds. He decided he'd rather drink his stress away, than be reduced to the shameful slapping of Shephard's semen supplier. Perhaps he'd even invite Wrex... to drinks, that is. *ahem*
Shepard found Wrex in his usual spot, leaning against the wall, not doing much besides looking intimidating. Wrex noticed the commander and responded appropriately.
"Shepard."
"Wrex," Shepard responded to Wrex's warm greeting and leaned next to him against the wall. Shepard liked Wrex. He liked his no-nonsense approach to life, very similar to his own approach.
"Is there a reason you're standing here?" Wrex asked, more than a hint of annoyance at the drawn out silence filling the gap between them.
"I'm just checking on my crew, is all, Wrex. So how are things?" Shepard asked, trying to initiate a conversation with the anti-social krogan.
"They're just fine, Shepard. Not so fine for you, it seems," Wrex gruffly responded.
"What do you mean, exactly?" Shepard questioned.
"You're different, Shepard; you're carrying yourself differently," the Krogan didn't like explaining the obvious.
"Oh, really? And why do you say that?" Shepard responded, a bit defensively.
"I don't know, Shepard. You seem tense, stiff. Hiding something."
'Wrex is surprisingly observant,' Shepard thought. "Well, I'm not sure what you mean but... speaking of stiff, I sure could go for a stiff drink, interested?"
Wrex was hesitant to take him up on it. Not because he had anything better to do, but because he hadn't met any other species that could drink like a krogan. If anyone could, though, it would be Shepard.
"I'll go," Wrex said, "on one condition."
"What's that?"
"Don't try and keep up."
And with that, they headed towards the dining hall.
The two of them had stayed at the chow hall well into the night, if night even exists on a starship that has no relative time. 'Nighttime' just means a skeleton crew on duty and really dim lights in the hallways. They lost track of time, thanks in part to the beverages, and in part to the riveting war stories being exchanged.
What a life they both had lived.
By now, Wrex had drank enough to kill 4 humans. Shepard had almost consumed one fourth of Wrex's staggering total. Wrex had a nice buzz going, he might've been swaying had he not been supporting his chin on his hand, which was in turn supported by his elbow on the table. Shepard had his head on his bicep, his arm stretched flat against the table, looking at Wrex. Wrex noted the everlasting smile plastered on Shepard's face.
Wrex was very impressed by Shepard. Not just with this display of alcohol tolerance, but with him as a person in general. Shepard was definitely the only non-krogan Wrex had ever willfully served under. Heck, he couldn't think of many krogans he'd willfully served under.
Wrex couldn't shake it. He was concerned for Shepard (it's the only reason he agreed to this evening). Wrex had never seen him this willing to jeopardize potential mission performance, seeing as they could have to land on a hostile planet at any given moment.
Wrex finally spoke up, "... Shepard."
Shepard had to stifle a laugh. Whether it be getting his attention, or greeting him, Wrex sounded exactly the same. He wondered why the krogan warrior needed him to acknowledge him before completing his thought. "Hmmmm?" is all Shepard felt like mustering as a response.
"What's been bothering you lately? You can't deny that you haven't been the same," Wrex said.
Shepard took some time to compose an answer, his head pleasantly swimming. "I'm just having a bit of a... 'dry spell', if you know what I mean."
Wrex didn't really know what that meant, but he let Shepard continue.
"Ashley wants something serious, Liara... kinda freaks me out, and Tali can hardly open her suit, let alone screw around..." Shepard sighed as he trailed off and pressed his eyes into his bicep.
"Oh... This is about sex?" Wrex asked, rather bluntly. He felt a little stupid for not getting it quicker, but he had no idea about human sexuality and effects it may have on someone. A krogan loves sex, but doesn't get distracted if they don't get any in a while.
Shepard blushed (or was that rosy tint because of the alcohol?), "Yeah, it's about sex. I can't go without some for much longer," he admitted.
"... but it might be more about having to live every day like it's your last, having noone to spend those moments with... it can all be a bit too much to handle, ya know?" Shepard was really opening up.
Wrex really understood the sentiment, but it's a little easier to accept when your lifespan is much longer. Also, knowing that you're infertile makes a lot of other feelings fade away into a quiet hum in the background.
Maybe it was the drink getting to him, but Wrex really didn't like seeing his commander, his friend, feeling so down. He could help.
"We could fuck," Wrex abrubtly said.
Shepard quickly raised his face from his arm to look at Wrex for a second, before promptly having a fit of what could only be described as 'giggles'.
Wrex didn't like being laughed at. "What are you laughing at??" Wrex was getting upset as the giggles didn't stop.
"We... we can't fuck!" Shepard said, shaking with ill-contained laughter.
"What's to stop us from screwin' around?" Wrex asked, confused as to what was so funny.
"You're... Wrex... You're krogan!" Shepard said, like it was the most obvious answer in the galaxy.
Here he was, being nice and offering a piece of his krogan pride to what he thought was the first non-krogan he'd ever trust, and he's being laughed at.
"... Shepard. Do you have a problem with krogans? Does it only come out when you drink, is that it?" Wrex really didn't want to get into a fight with his friend, but if he didn't know any better he'd say Shepard was asking for it.
Shepard seemed to sober up a bit and, more seriously, said, "No, no, no, Wrex - I just, - I, you're krogan... you can't have sex, right?" Shepard asked.
"... Shepard, krogans can fuck, they just can't have kids, you imbecile!"
Wrex could not believe the human's misconception (A/N: Pun intended) about krogan sexuality. Really, this guy was the 'best humanity had to offer'?!
Shepard began laughing again at his misunderstanding. Finally calming down and after a lengthy silence Shepard replied, "Uh, ok, then yeah. Let's fuck."
As they -Shepard, more than Wrex- stumbled back toward's the captain's quarters, both excited about what was to come (A/N: wink), Shepard's mind was racing, his heart pounding.
'What am I doing?!' Shepard thought, 'I've never had sex with another guy, let alone another species! Now I'm about to do both at the same time!'
Wrex's thoughts were much calmer; casual sex in krogan culture, especially between 'war-brothers' was relatively commonplace. Wrex's thoughts were mostly along the lines of 'I'm gonna fuck him silly...' and 'He'll never want anything but krogan dick again.'
Wrex had to keep reminding himself that he should do everything in his power not to break his favorite human. If he did, it might involve a very tricky explanation to one Dr. Chakwas...
- 1
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Commander ShepHARD