.The Prison Stone | By : keithcompany Category: +A through F > Dungeons & Dragons Views: 3084 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0 |
Disclaimer: I do not own Dungeons & Dragons, or any parody RPG. I make no profit from this fanfic. |
I was in a typical tavern when I met Vass Teve. I was at a corner table, buying maps when she approached.
The dwarves seemed satisfied with our transaction and I folded the new maps into my folding desk. I looked up and there she was.
Human, at least on first glance, she stood slightly above average height. Long, dark hair covered her shoulders. She wore light armor and soft boots and I instantly thought, 'Thief.' That was unfair, I know, because I was dressed to imply that I was a fighter. I'm not even an adventurer. Still, it's what you do in these places, guess the proficiency.
"Can I help you?" I asked.
"I need a man of your talents," she said. Her voice was soft but firm and her diction was incredibly precise. I believe I could listen to her describe an accountant's dream.
"You don't know what my talents are," I said. "And I'm not for hire."
A pair of rough-looking fighters stepped up behind her. "You guys forming up a party?" one asked.
"No," I said. "I'm not an adventurer."
They both laughed. "You've got mismatched armor, an old-style helmet, a sword with runes on the scabbard and you're in an adventurers' tavern," one pointed out.
"I'm a cartographer. I'm buying maps for the Royal Mapmaker's Library. Adventurers are the ones with maps, I have to fit in." I raised one eyebrow. "Do you have any maps? Anything'll do. A route through the mountains, location of a dungeon, maps OF a dungeon? The better the map, the more I'll pay."
"I think you qualify as an adventurer," the second one said. The first one grunted in agreement. "So, see, there's a fee for the adventurers' guild in this town."
"There's no adventurers' guild," I said. Adventurers do not play well with other adventurers that aren't in their party. They would definitely not pay money in order to not play well with others.
"Fifty gold per adventure," he went on, ignoring my protest.
"Not adventuring," I said. I kept an eye on the woman. She might have been a member of their con. She looked uncomfortable, but that might be part of the act. "And not a member of the guild that doesn't exist, so I don’t owe anyone anything."
"Maybe you ought to pay, anyway," the first one said. He hefted an axe. Axes are useful in crowds because they don't usually have a sheath. Unsheathing a sword is a clear threat, hefting an axe could be a threat, or could be just adjusting your grip. I mean, if it comes to telling a magistrate that you were just misunderstood.
I took it as a threat, though. I waved my hand. The tough disappeared with a red flash of light. A few feathers fluttered through the air. Where the tough had been there was a surprised-looking chicken. Rather a scrawny chicken, I thought.
"Peet?" the second guy asked the chicken. I waved my hand again. The chicken turned back into the tough. Peet staggered backwards, dropping his axe. His friend gave me a fearful glance then grabbed his buddy and ran off.
The woman sat down at my table. "Yes, I really need someone of your talents."
"Lady," I said.
"Teve. Vass Teve," she introduced herself.
"Lady Teve, I really am a cartographer. I have a few defensive tricks to ensure the safety of the Crown's money and the Crown's maps, and one bluff so I don't have to use them. That's it. I have no talents beyond a grasp of perspective and a stunning sense of direction."
"And you can turn a man into a chicken," she said.
"That's the bluff," I told her. "Keeps me from having to fry them into charcoal sketching sticks."
Teve leaned forward. "Look, this is in the Crown's interest. It's a matter of justice. My father had enemies at court and-"
"And lost his rank and his holdings?" I guessed. "And you don't care about the title or the castle or the fields, but something he owned is of great emotional value to your family. It's a matter of justice to steal it back."
"You ARE a wizard," she whispered.
"No, I work for the Crown. About every other fortnight I get invited to see that Justice is Done. Tell it to a Magistrate."
"Father's enemies have poisoned the Crown's agents against him."
"Fascinating," I said. "And how wonderfully original." I finished my drink and started gathering my things.
"Look, I'm not asking you to help me regain it-"
"Steal it."
"Semantics!" she snapped. "All I need is help getting to the next riding. I have friends who will protect me and my father and our-"
"Teve," I said. "If you're not telling me the truth, then it'd be a career ender for me to get mixed up with you and your conspiracy. If you are telling me the truth, then I am a Crown agent for a corrupt Crown. A Crown that ranks friendship higher than justice. It would be in my best career interests to go along with you ONLY to ensure I'm in a position to foil your robbery and turn you in for what's sure to be a promotion."
"Oh." She hadn't thought of that. They never think of that. Lucky for me, it's spelled out clearly in the handbook all Crown agents have to read when they sign up. Even the map-makers.
I wished her luck in her endeavors, didn't get her name the villain, or the item she sought, or even the riding she'd be running to if she got away. The less I knew, the less I had to tell the Inquisitors.
Then I went to the inn. It wasn't an adventurer's inn. Quieter that way. They close earlier and they're far less likely to break out with a starting point for a quest.
The innkeeper complained that they had no food left to offer me a dinner. I had them get the stable hand to catch a rat. I waved my hand, turning the rat into the scrawny chicken from the tavern.
The flash of my "power" awed the innkeeper and his family and dinner was quickly served. The chicken probably thought I was a fantastic wizard, too. One second it was in a farmyard, I waved my hand and everything around it was replaced by a tavern, then an inn. Some magic, huh?
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I was walking out of town two days later when Teve ran past me. She didn't spare me a glance as she was being chased. Four men in the livery of the City Watch yelled at her and waved their short swords in the air.
I thought she had them nicely outclassed and might make her escape, when she slipped in a puddle and went sprawling in the street. Mud spattered everywhere.
Watchmen shouted in victory and closed in.
I don't wave my hand when I don't want to draw attention. I just exchanged Teve with the rat from the stables. It hardly paused to find itself out in the middle of the road in bright daylight. Ugly men were shouting and it took off running.
One of the watchmen shouted "Shapechanging!" and they hauled after the rat down an alley.
I kept on walking down the road and out the gate.
A few miles down the road, I stopped and checked my compass. It wasn't strictly necessary, but it gave me a chance to surreptitiously glance at my bracelet. The smoked-quartz stone in the middle of the band had, if you looked closely, a tiny humanoid figure.
But strangely, it was moving. That was odd. They were usually frozen in the prison stone. Time didn't pass for my prisoners, so no one could figure out that I wasn't turning people into rats or chickens, just trading their places.
Why was Teve different?
I had to exchange something with her to find out so I started keeping an eye out. This was a well-traveled area, so most of the game tended to avoid the road.
After a while, I came across a squirrel, though. It sat on a branch and scolded me. I got a mischievous smile and swapped it with Teve.
She appeared in the squirrel's place, and I mean exactly in the squirrel's place. She was up above my head, sitting astride the branch… And about the same size as the rodent.
"What the HELL was that?" she screamed.
"Why are you not the right size?" I asked. She looked down, focused on me and screamed again. I glanced at my bracelet. There was a tailed figure in the quartz, not moving. So that was normal. The stone was normal. Something was weird about Teve, then.
"Get me down!" she demanded in an adorable squeaky voice.
"Sure," I said. I put the squirrel back. I had to think about this.
---------
That night I managed to score a private room in the roadside inn. I saved some food from dinner and teased a mouse out to the middle of the floor.
I popped that into the prison stone and grabbed Teve before she got her bearings. "Quiet," I whispered as I put her on the bedspread. "If they find me talking to a homunculus, they'll probably burn me as a witch."
She glared at me, but silently. "What are you doing to me?" she finally hissed. "What spell is this?"
"I have no idea," I said. I showed her my bracelet. "I have a prison stone. I can swap the living thing held inside of it with any living thing."
"So, that's how you turned that guy into a chicken," she nodded. "You had a chicken in the stone."
"Yes."
"So," she said slowly. "The watch is chasing a chicken around FireWall?"
"A rat," I said. "I'm sure they've got it locked up by now, torturing it for the whereabouts of the relic you stole."
"I didn't steal it!" she sort of shouted. "And it's not a relic!"
"It's not simply powerful magic," I said. "The wizards who invented prison stones made them strong enough to hold wizards against their will. But relics, something with divine might, that could still work inside the stone.
"I figure that's the reason you're trapped at the size of whatever I exchange you with." I poked a finger against her hip, knocking her over onto the blanket.
She rolled to her feet and whipped out a dagger. "Really?" I asked. "You want to be exchanged with a flea?" I pointed my bracelet at her. She started to sheathe her weapon. "No, no, drop it." She did, tossing it half a foot in my direction. "In fact," I said, "strip off all your weapons. Better yet, all your clothes." She glared at me, not moving. "Okay," I said. I put her in the prison. The mouse ran for the edge of the bed and jumped off. I started getting ready to sleep.
-------
The next day I bought a couple of chickens before I rode off. I was familiar with this stretch of road and I had plenty of time to make it to the next inn. I made it through the mountain pass and halfway down the mountain before I made a small camp.
I wove some branches and saplings into a pen to hold the chickens, then killed one to roast for lunch. The offal drew flies. I caught one n a handkerchief and balled it up.
Then I exchanged Teve with the chicken. She staggered a bit on the rough ground, then looked around, taking in her situation. We were in a small clearing a short distance from the road. Steep walls were on three sides of us and I was between her and the road. And I had my bracelet pointed at her.
It wasn't necessary to point it to make it work, but it was better as a clear threat, I thought.
Teve paid quite a bit of attention to the roaster. "I guess I'm about the size of a chicken?"
"Yes."
She nodded at the fire. "So is that a threat?"
"No," I said. "If you behave, it'll be lunch. The threat is in here." I waved the handkerchief before the cage. "I caught a fly."
She shuddered and backed away. "I shall be good," she said.
"Excellent. Strip." I tossed an empty flour sack into the cage. Arms, jewelry, clothes, naughty underthings in the bag."
"Surely I can retain my clothing," she said as she undid the belt supporting her dagger. "My boots are no threat to you."
"But you might have something hidden inside them," I pointed out. "Dagger, wand, scroll of nasty surprise."
"I don't have any magical weapons," she said. She stripped off her leathers and bagged them.
"Sure," I said. "Shift, too." She sighed and took the last bit of clothing off. I cinched the bag and placed it in my pack. Then I picked her up and searched her.
She was small enough I could hold her up one-handed, but big enough that I could actually see into her mouth. "Open," I ordered. She obliged me and even moved her tongue back and forth to show nothing hidden under it.
"You've done this before?"
"I don't believe that would be any of your business," she snapped. Her breasts were high and firm, no chance anything was tucked underneath them. I still pushed them up and looked, stroking the curves for possible contraband. "Bastard," she muttered.
"I still have that fly," I murmured. I rolled her face down, draped over my forearm. "Spread-" She was already spreading her cheeks. "Pretty."
"I'm so terribly delighted that you approve," she said.
"Very much." I rolled her onto her back, cradling her in my arms. I grabbed a knee with one hand. "Spread 'em again," I ordered.
"No!" she protested. "What would the point be? I've nothing to hide, especially there! You'd have noticed my discomfort already, rolling me around like a baby."
"I didn't ask to discuss it," I said. I slid her down onto my lap, one hand clutching her neck. The other hand slid between her legs, prying them apart. She slapped at that hand, trying to keep me from seeing her pussy.
I didn't understand why. I mean, I'd looked up her asshole, why was this suddenly too intimate?
I couldn't keep the legs apart with one hand. I looked around. There was a cactus pinecone on the ground near my feet. I kicked it over and lay her down across it. She arched her back when it contacted the spines. She used her hands to hold herself up off of it. I held a thigh in each of my hands, holding half the weight of her body and spreading her legs.
Her pussy hair was violet. "Ah. Some elf ancestry, I see."
"Shut up," she moaned.
"What? Nothing wrong with that. A noble race, the elves. Now, let's see… Oh." I ran a thumb along the top of each inner thigh. Her pussy lips gaped and I saw.... "A virgin."
"Let me go!" she commanded.
"Was that what you were trying to hide?" I lifted her over to the pen and lowered her to the grass. Then I hacked off a piece of breast meat for her, put it on a leaf and hand it to her.
She stared at me for a while instead of eating. "Now I suppose you want to claim my virginity," she accused.
"Actually," I said around a drumstick, "my first thought was how much more you'd fetch on the slave market."
"You're a slaver!?!" she cried.
"Not yet," I said. "But I never had such an opportunity. And you did convince me that I work for a corrupt Crown. Might as well make some coin off of that fact." I chewed for a bit. "Or… You could tell me where this relic is."
"Oh." She started to tear off strips of meat with her teeth. "You're going to frighten me into giving you my family treasure."
"It's a win-win," I mused. "I can sell the treasure, then let you go. You'll have to choose between revenge against me or recovering the… What is it, anyway?"
"It's a tiara," she said. "And I don't have it. I haven't had it since the Watch chased me."
"Really?" I tossed the bones away. "Then why are you the size of a chicken instead of your normal self?"
"I don't know." There was a catch in her voice. It sounded like she sincerely felt that she'd failed her family, not just messed up a theft. "I found the tiara. I had tucked it into my shirt when someone shouted, 'Stop! Thief!' I started to run. I held one hand to my chest…" She demonstrated, squeezing a boob with her forearm. "But I couldn't feel the tiara."
"What was it supposed to do?"
"It's just a symbol of our right to the title," she said. "The elves made it for my great-great-grand-"
I heard horses on the road. I didn't pause to warn Teve to silence, just popped her back in the stone.
The chicken was expressing her displeasure at the pen when a group of adventurers came into view.
We exchanged greetings. They asked if I was still using the fire. I invited them to take over the campsite and even left them the chicken. I packed up and wandered on down the road.
-----------
There was a bit of a kerfuffle in the next adventurers' tavern. Seems that someone sold me the party's maps without asking the rest of the party.
This was brought to my attention when a rather large barbarian named Todas asked me to give back the maps or he'd rip my head off and fuck me down my windpipe.
"I can't do that," I explained. "There's spells on my files so that I can't resell maps the Crown has purchased. A return would require appearing before the Magister of the Exchequer in the capital-"
"I don't GIVE a fuck!" he shouted. He was very loud, too. I don't think he was entirely human as he stood about eight feet tall. He brandished a wooden club the size of a horse's leg. Couldn't have been too useful in a cramped dungeon fight, but it'd definitely pound me to paste against this floor.
Four other members of his party stood behind Todas. A fifth held the thief I'd dealt with by the throat, watching to see how this turned out.
"I'm sorry, it's just impossible to give them back. I CAN offer you more money-"
"Screw that!" Todas shouted.
"I dunno, Todas," one of his mates said. "We could use the money to buy mapping supplies and go back to-"
"Or I can kill him, we get the maps AND all his money," Todas threatened. Some of his party looked uncomfortable at the idea of killing one of the King's agents. Just not uncomfortable enough to stop Todas.
He lifted the tree trunk threateningly. Although, to be fair, doing anything with that thing was threatening.
I'd had enough. And forgot it wasn't a chicken in the prison stone. I waved my hand, muttered something and there she was.
Teve looked down on me from eight feet tall. She started to smile. Clearly, she thought I'd messed up somehow and now she had the advantage.
There was a stunned silence in the tavern. Then one of the party members whistled. "Nice ass, big guy." He reached over and pinched Teve's butt.
She spun around, simultaneously realizing that she was naked and the center of attention for a room full of men. It was quite the sight as those high, firm breasts were huge and mounted well above everyone's heads.
Teve tried to cover herself with her hands and arms, crouching down quite a ways. And she yelled. "You frog-fucking son of a prostitute harpy!"
She was yelling at me, but facing the rest of the room. One snapped his hand up to squeeze at one ill-covered breast. "Nice boobies, buddy."
Teve started to take a step back towards me. While her foot was in the air, I exchanged her. Todas appeared, facing away from me, slightly confused and off balance.
He tipped over and fell, coming down on my table. It shattered under his skull and he lay stretched out on the floor. The remains of my beer soaked his hair and beard.
I got up, gathered my things and walked out. Figured there weren't enough of them to carry Todas out, but I didn't want to be around when he came to
Besides, I had purchased a songbird in the market that day. It waited for us in my room.
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