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Evolving Feelings - Discovery II	By : Svein Category: +A through F > Bloody Roar Views: 1269 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Bloody Roar nor any of its characters, and I'm making no money off this fic.

Chapter List
- 1-Discovery II
- 2-Part 2
- 3-Part 3
- 4-Part 4
- 5-Part 5
- 6-Part 6
- 7-Part 7
- 8-Part 8
- 9-Part 9
- 10-Part 10
- 11-Part 11
- 12-Part 12
- 13-Epilogue
- 9
- 10
- 11
Much to Yugo's dismay, Dr. Murakami was out of town and would only be available by the end of the week. Until then, he had to do his best to put up with Kenji's persistence. The little rascal didn't insist directly, but always found a way to bring up the subject seamlessly into the conversation. And every time Yugo came up with an argument, Kenji rebuffed it. Yugo was having a hard time countering Kenji's sharp logic, sometimes it felt like his world was being turned upside down.
Yugo patiently tried to explain that it was wrong for brothers to do that sort of stuff, but Kenji shrugged and said it didn't matter because they were not related by blood, so it couldn't be really considered incest. "Other people would still consider it wrong!" Yugo appealed to Kenji's common sense. "And since when do you care about what people think?" was the poignant response. After that, Yugo decided to shut up and sulk for a couple of days. The man took pride in not caring about people's opinion – it was a subconscious way of getting back at them for being treated as a gaijin all his life on top of being forced to hide his zoanthrope nature.
At one point, Yugo inadvertently caught Kenji looking at him with devouring eyes that said "I want you!" The look was gone as quickly as the impression registered in Yugo's mind, but it left the man feeling embarrassed and more than a little flushed. Fortunately, his tanned-looking skin tone disguised it well. He didn't have the guts to ask Kenji about it.
Just the day before, Yugo had tried to impart on Kenji the simple notion that he was straight. And how did Kenji reply? "For a straight guy, you really seemed to be enjoying yourself when I sucked you. And gosh, the hot looks you were giving me..." This last bit forced Yugo to turn away in order to hide his self-conscious disconcert. That was quite possibly the most awkward he had felt in his entire life. Yugo could remember everything that had happened that night, but he didn't realize Kenji had noticed his looks.
True to his own word, Kenji was being brutally honest and showing little consideration for Yugo's feelings. As a result, Yugo's arguments were starting to sound a bit silly even to his own ears. However, it just never crossed Yugo's mind to just reject Kenji's feelings. The man was so busy trying to make up justifications that he didn't stop to take a good look at himself. Alternating between embarrassment, anger, guilt, doubt, impatience and despair, Yugo was at a loss about how to deal with the situation. He didn't even know what he was angry at anymore. It was in this state that he went to his next session with Dr. Murakami.
"So, Kenji said he's in love with you?" Doctor Murakami asked, more to check her ears than anything else. She was doing her best not to seem surprised or impart any sort of judgment with her tone.
"Yeah, and I think he's serious."
"And how are you taking it?"
Yugo then proceeded to rant about the discussions the two had had over the week. While he was at it, the therapist managed to extract the necessary details and reach a better understanding of his convoluted feelings. She didn't like what she saw there: the man was in denial mode, and his mental barriers were crumbling. Somehow, Kenji had found Yugo's weakness and was doing a very good job exploiting it. After listening to Yugo for half an hour, Dr. Murakami couldn't say she blamed Kenji – Yugo was practically begging to be proved wrong. And so the therapist decided to follow her intuition and make a possibly very unprofessional choice.
"Yugo, let's do an exercise." She took a blindfold from her pocket – she always carried one, for therapeutic use – and handed it to him. "I want you to stop talking, recline and cover your eyes." He did. "Now, I want you clear your mind and breathe deeply for three minutes."
"Why do I need to do that?" Yugo asked rebelliously.
"Because you're too confused right now. I can't work like this."
"Okay," he resigned with a sigh.
Dr. Murakami diligently counted three minutes on her wrist watch, after which Yugo seemed to have relaxed considerably.
"Yugo," the therapist started with a measuredly tranquil tone, "I'm now going to make a few statements. I want you to repeat them and pay attention to any and all feelings. Don't judge and don't try to explain, just say whatever word comes to mind without worrying about it. If the same word emerges more than once, you can repeat it. Are you ready?"
"I think so."
"Alright, now repeat: Kenji is in love with me." He did, it seemed simple enough.
"Warmth ...... loneliness ...... fear ... affection ..." After this, he was hesitant to continue.
"You're doing fine, go on," the therapist encouraged with a soothing voice. "If you run out of words, repeat the sentence in your mind and see if any other feelings emerge."
"... Worry ...... affection ... guilt ... fear ... guilt ... shame ... affection ... warmth ..."
Yugo repeated some words many times, some loaded with emotion. The undertones of unease were evident. After a while, it was clear nothing new was going to come up, so Dr. Murakami told him to clear his mind with another minute of deep breathing.
"Okay, are you ready?" She asked. He nodded. "Now, try saying: Kenji is hot." Yugo gulped, but he did repeat it.
"... Shame ... excitement ... desire ..." Images of that night started floating into his mind one after the other, completely uninvited, and he was gripped by a strong urge to stop this. "Hey, is this really necessary?" Yugo broke with a tone that sounded a bit panicked, at least to his own ears.
"Shh," the therapist cooed. "No judging, just let the words come out, okay?" Yugo gulped again and nodded. "Now, repeat: Kenji is hot." He did, albeit hesitantly.
And again the images returned. "...... Guilt ...... excitement ... embarrassment ... shame ... desire ..." Yugo felt a pull of blood on his nether regions and the guilt was overwhelming. "Look, I can't do this anymore, okay?" He said as he took out the blindfold.
"Alright," the therapist said with a sigh, "maybe I've pushed you too hard, sorry."
"You baited me, didn't you?" Yugo accused, still shaken.
"Yes," she admitted, though she showed no sign of repenting.
"What the hell was that for?!"
"Well, I had a hunch, so I used a technique to help you to be honest with yourself," she replied. It took a moment for Yugo to digest that information.
"Wait, you mean those things are... how I really feel??" The man asked incredulous. "But that's so wrong!"
The therapist measured her next words carefully. "Yugo, feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. Blaming yourself for feeling a certain way is like trying to tell your lungs not to breathe. You may even be able to do it for a short time, but it just won't work in the end. I've been a therapist for ten years, and I can tell you from experience: this shit never turns out well!"
Since Yugo didn't reply for a long while, Dr. Murakami decided it was better to just show him the cards. "Yugo, can I step outside my role as a therapist and be a hundred percent honest with you?"
He nodded, though visibly wary.
"There's something that has been nagging at my mind since our first session."
"And what's that?"
"The guilt. At first, I thought you were just punishing yourself because you got drunk – which was the trigger that led to the whole event. Okay, nothing out of place there, but later I realized that was just the tip of the iceberg."
"What do you mean?" Yugo asked, still not seeing exactly where this was leading.
"Look, here's my theory: you think it's wrong to feel desire for Kenji, because he's your brother and you consider yourself straight, so... when you do feel that way, guilt comes crashing in."
Yugo understood that only too well, after all it had just happened just a few moments before. But his mind wasn't going to accept that explanation so easily. "But if I'm straight, why the hell would I feel hot about Kenji!" the man rebuffed.
Now Dr. Murakami was in a bind, she didn't know how to break the news in a tactful way. "Well," she started, "what if you're not straight?"
An awkward silence started creeping in between them, but she decided she would have none of it: "Okay, I'll ask you a question, please just be honest with me. Which do you feel more ashamed of: having drunk too much, or having found Kenji hot while he was giving you a blowjob?"
Yugo wasn't one to get embarrassed easily, but even he couldn't avoid it after being directly confronted with such a scandalous question. "The... latter..." he answered weakly.
"Yeah, I figured as much. Do you wanna know what I really think?"
Yugo hesitated, intuitively aware of what she was going to say next, but nodded anyway.
"I think you have the potential to be bisexual if you want to."
"But... I thought people were either born that way or they weren't. And besides, I've liked girls all my life!"
"Well, you may have been born with the potential to like both, but only learned to like one. Have you heard the term late bloomer?"
Yugo shook his head negatively.
"It's used to describe someone who takes longer than normal to develop."
The man gave her a blank expression, so she decided to try a more didactic approach: "Think of it this way: when you were young, people told you spinach tasted bad, so you didn't even try it; a few years later, you decide to give it a chance and realize you actually like it, and goes on to become one of your favorite foods."
Yugo nodded his head slowly. The analogy made it easier for him to wrap his head around this new concept, but he wasn't about to give in yet. "So, you're basically saying the same thing as Kenji: that I won't know until I try it."
Again, Murakami chose her next words carefully. "Well... not really. I mean, you've already had an experience with Kenji, right?"
"But I was drunk and horny, I would have liked it even if it was a complete stranger!"
Given what Yugo had already told her, this justification was so pitiful that the therapist couldn't hold back a biting remark: "Yugo, stop kidding yourself! You know the alcohol didn't make you find Kenji hot," she said, emphasizing the last three words.
This was like a slap to the face – Yugo couldn't deny he had looked at Kenji with lust that night, even if his mind wanted to erase this shameful memory. The guilt, more than anything, was more than enough proof that he wasn't buying his own excuse. Deep in his heart, he knew the alcohol had just helped to get rid of his inhibitions. Cornered, Yugo decided to fall back to his last recourse:
"But he's my brother, for fucks's sake!"
"If you ask me, Kenji is right again. You two may be brothers on paper, but you're not related by blood and you've known each other for only three years. I think you two could be whatever the hell you like."
This comment struck him like a thunderbolt. "But... I really consider him my brother, I don't want to lose him," Yugo said weakly, on the verge of tears.
"Well, Yugo, you may consider him a brother, but it's clear that he sees you as much more and wants you to do the same."
"So... what should I do?" Yugo asked with despair in his eyes.
Murakami closed her eyes, sighed and breathed deeply before answering. "Yugo, sorry, I don't have an answer, and even if I did it's not my place to make your choices. The way I see it, you could reject Kenji's feelings and tell him you don't love him that way, or you could decide to give it a chance and see how it turns out. Those are the paths I see, but you have to figure out what you want to do."
The therapy session ended shortly thereafter with Dr. Murakami advising Yugo to take all the time he needed to sort out his feelings before making any decisions.
- 9
- 10
- 11
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Evolving Feelings - Discovery II