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Pinzu vs The Pussy (A 100% Orange Juice Adventure)	By : Boo-Sama Category: -Misc Video Games/RPGs > AU - Alternate Universe Views: 2725 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This fanfiction is based on the characters and fandom of 100% Orange Juice. I do not own 100% Orange Juice, nor do I make a profit from this story.

Chapter List
- 10
- 11
- 12
December 8th, 12:23 PM, Police Station, 2017.

Sora went back behind her desk after Sham went into the locker room, and pulled out the phone. After dialing, and a few rings, the Chief answered her call.

“This had better be important.” The Chief responded, her voice about as stern as a stereotypical asshat teacher from an 80’s cartoon.

“Oh, it is, sir! First thing’s first, it’s important to note that Sham has been found.”

“Agent Hiker? Good, now fire her for leaving her position. In her absence, there’s been at least 12 different robberies in the area she was supposed to be scoping out. We’re stretched out as it is and for someone to disappear like tha-”

“She found Waruda’s hideout.” Sora heard the phone on the other side of the call snap in half in the Chief's sudden grip, followed by the ringing of a sudden disconnection. Sora laid back in her chair, took a stick of gum from off the table, and popped it in her mouth. Chief should be here in just a few seconds.

Sham was in the locker room, changing. As she removed Kai’s trousers that she was wearing, she decided to double check to contents as to make sure nothing went missing. There was nothing really of note besides his wallet, and the revolver he had on him for whatever reason. It was a Colt Single Action Army, which from what she’s heard, is debatably the most powerful handgun ever made. Sadly, besides some required training to become an officer, which she found ridiculous, that’s about where her knowledge ends. She never really believed in the use of lethal firearms personally, so this thing was basically worthless to her. However, she couldn’t just give something like this back to Kai, at least not upfront, and sure as hell not right now, so she put it into her locker for safe-keeping till a better time popped up, along with his wallet.

She put on the rest of her trademarked green outfit, and withdrew a small pink card from the locker. She took the card and inserted it into a small slit she had on the back of her upper rib cage. Her eyes flashed green a bit, there were a few buffering beeps, and poof, it was on. To make sure everything was back up and operational, Sham flicked her right wrist around a bit, moving her fingers in a somewhat mesmerizing way. After a second tops, a small pink robot apperated out of a small green triangular portal. It did a happy flying robot dance, and then saccrafizzled into green sparks on Sham’s order. Sham did a happy fist pump in celebration of her techno-mancery being back after most likely being taken away by Kiriko for obvious reasons. One thing’s for sure, she had no card in her slot, so she had to have taken it, right?

Sham straightened out her outfit, closed up her locker, and turned around to lea- JESUS FUCK!!!

“WHERE!?” Asked the Police Chief, clad in full body-armor with a black and red biker-esc helmet over her face hiding her identity. Sham looked over the chief's shoulder to figure out how she got in here so fast, only to see a Police Chief silhouette shaped hole in the wall behind her to the outside world.

“Gah, um, ah, wh-wh-what, who?” Sham stuttered, very rightfully confused to what was happening right now.

“THE WARUDA, DAMNIT!!! DO YOU KNOW OR DO YOU NOT KNOW WHERE THEY ARE!?!?” She demanded, grabbing Sham by her arms and shaking her a bit.

“T-T-THE UPTOWN CASINO, SIR!!!” Sham replied. The Chief then stopped shaking her, opened her helmet’s visor, and kissed Sham on the lips. She then pulled back and closed her mask again.

“EXCELLENT WORK, AGENT HIKER!!! You get three promotions!!!”

“Wh why did you ki... Wait, Three?”

“ENOUGH TALK!!!” The Chief then barged into the main hall of the building, moved into Sora’s room, pushed Sora’s over onto the ground, and pressed and help a green button on her desk. Every Robo Ball everywhere suddenly stopped whatever they were doing to listen. “ROBO’S, WE HAVE A LOCATION ON THE WARUDA, MOVE INTO THE UPTOWN CASINO, NOW!!!”. The Chief then grabbed Sora by her shirt and hoisted her back onto her feet. “Call the other prime officers. We’ll meet you on at the casino.”

“Um, sir, was calling all the Robo’s really necessary?” Sora asked, a bit frazzled from the sudden physical assault.

“YES.”

“But we have a witness in the back! Are you telling us to just leave him here alo-” The Chief then barged into the back room. A Robo Ball that was interrogating Kai, unable to open the door out due to a lack of thumbs, flew out, and into the streets.

“MOVE FROM HERE AND YOU WILL SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE SUCKING SEAGULL COCK IN PRISON, AM I CLEAR!?” She yelled at Kai.

“..... WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE AM I!?” Kai screamed in response.

“GOOD.” Chief then slammed the door on him, neglecting to lock the door. “Alright everyone, let’s roll out. Knowing Waruda, they’re already whipping up some form of surprise countermeasure against us if we speak. But we WILL NOT FALTER!!! WE WILL NOT GIVE IN!!!! AND WE WILL SHOW THEM THE TRUE POWER OF THE OJ-VERSE’S JUSTICE SYSTEM!!!!!!!!” The Chief then ran out in the the street, jumping through the window of a random police car, hijacked it, and hit the road for the casino. Sham walked slowly out of the locker room, just completely stunned at what just happened.

“What….. What the funk just happened?” Sham asked, rubbing the boss’s spit off her lips.

“You just made the boss’s day. Happiest I’ve seen her in a long while. I’m going to finish up those calls and follow her, you best get anything you need and follow her.” Sora then propped her chair back up and got on the phone, calling whoever she could get a hold of. Sham crept into the interrogation room to say hi and bye Kai. (Ba dum tss)

“Heeeeeey, Kai.”

“WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT!?!?”

“Yeah… Um…. That was my boss…. Just…. Wait here for a few hours, okay?”

“WHY!?”

“Just do it. Everything is going fine, just, by the way….” Sham realized how boring it would be to sit in here with nothing to do. “Um, here!!!” She left the room for a few seconds, and later wheeled in a wireless T.V set. She then tossed him a remote. “T.V! The time waster of champs! Just watch this till somebody comes back, okay?” Kai stared back at Sham, a little confused.

“Um…… Okay?”

“GREAT! I’ll see you in a jiffy-pop! Chao!~” She then closed the door on Kai…. Kai feels safer already knowing this is most likely how the police around here operate on a daily basis.

December 8th, 12:16 PM, Waruda Casino, 2017.

Yuki walked downstairs from the lounge topless, sponging Pinzu’s blood out of her white shirt, letting the blood drip all over the floor. She sat down next to Kiriko, who was still getting shitfaced, head laying on the bar’s table, next to her black bag of loot. After some more sponging, Yuki laid her shirt onto the table, walked behind the bar, poured herself a glass of whisky, put the whisky on the table for easy access, sat back down next to Kiriko,, and took a hard shot. She shook her head a bit, and slammed her hand on the gable.

“WOOF!!! That’s some good shit right there, Kiriko!” Yuki said, wrapping her arm around Kiriko’s shoulders, chuckling. Kiriko weakly wiggled out of her friendly gesture.

“Dun tach me motha facker, gid out.” she moaned, somewhat hungover. Yuki simply put her hand away and onto the table instead.

“Rough day, huh?” Yuki asked, grabbing her shirt again to squeeze more blood out.

“Uuuuuuh huuuuuuuuuuuh.” Kiriko said, nodding as she nodded her head while it was still on the table.

“Ay, don’t worry about the tower, alright? I’ll get Tomato and Mimyuu to clear whatever crap infested it in a few days. After a few days of repairs, you’ll be back in business making more of this strong ass liquor, and doing what you do best, alright?” She gave Kiriko a small, friendly punch to the back.

“I duun wanna go back to the toooower anymooooooore.” Kiriko grumbled back, reaching for her shot glass. Yuki slightly pushed it out of Kiriko’s reach, knowing she most likely has had enough for now.

“It’s just the alcohol talking, Kiri. You’re gonna be- you alright?”

Yeah, I’m just fine. Just getting shitfaced at a bar over how much of a trainwreck my entire life is. What of it?

... Mind if I join you for a bit?

… Nah, not really. Go right on ahead.

Thank you. Um, tendy, could I get a shot of scotch please? Perhaps with some vanilla flavoring if you have it? Thank you.

… Tendy?

Oh it’s just what I call bartenders. I think it’s rather quaint. Anyways, I couldn’t help but notice the lab coat you’re wearing. Are you perchance a scientist?

…. Yeah?

Of what sort?

Um…. No real sort, honestly. I honestly just have a knack for… Like… Making shit. Random shit, really.

…. Like?

You got a real fucking knack for asking questions, don’t you? The most impressive shit I’ve ever made is a bleach powered robot spider. Nobody wants that shit man! The only lab I fuckin got is my basement at home, and no money to fund anything ACTUALLY useful. I just spend all my fucking time down there, wasting away in that mossy ass basement, trying to come up with some breakthrough, and when I think I have, nobody is fucking interested!!! That’s “LIKE” what I fucking make, now please fuck off and let me wallow in my own self pity.

May I see them?

… Bitch are you fucking death? There’s nothing interesting down there, just crap I-

Let me be the judge of that, not you. Alright?

… Whaaaatever, lady, I’ll get my keys.

You… You’re not planning ond driving, are you?

Yeah, why?

…… Just give me directions and I’ll drive.

I ain’t gonna fuckin argue, less work on my part. Let’s fuckin roll.

Yuki watched as Kiriko mumbled to herself. Yuki decided to get up and give her some space. She decided to ask her one last thing before going to the laundry room to clean the rest of her shirt.

‘Hey, before I go, is there anyone else I need to take care of before I go all in on washing my shit?”

“Shaaaaaaaaaaaam.”

“..... Did you just fucking say Sham?” Kiriko weakly nodded. Yuki looked around the place for a moment. “... She’s not here.” Kiriko immediately sobered the fuck up.

“WHAT!?!?” Kiriko screamed, turning to Yuki. “SHE WAS RIGHT BEHIND ME, WHERE DID SHE GO!?!?”

“SHE CAN FLY YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!! SHE MUST HAVE JUST NOT COME IN HERE!!!!!”

“FUCK!!!!!” Kiriko jumped off her seat and began pacing in a half serious, half drunk stumbling fashion. “Okay, shit, how long has it been since I’ve arrived here?” Yuki checked her watch which totally wasn’t a fucking relic at this point in history.

“About fifteen minutes ago. It’s 12:21 now.”

“Okay, so I got here at about 12:06 PM. At the speed those Suguri girls usually fly, it would take ten minutes to reach the police station from here, add some time since Sham’s out of practice due to being trapped in a gimp suit for a week, and it’d most likely take her at least fifteen minutes to get there, meaning she’s most likely just arrived now, and is ratting us out as we speak. Knowing the chief she’s going to be on out ass in about five the minute she hears us, followed by everyone else ten minutes later. It’s 12:21 now-”

“12:22”

“Okay 12:22 now, we have about….. Around five to ten minutes to get setup for the chief- god dammit WE NEED MORE TIME THEN THAT!!!” Kiriko punched a slot machine, hurting her hand in the process. She recoiled her hand and tried to shake the pain off.

“I can try to get Tomato and Mim-”

“Don’t bother, they just had sex, they’re not getting up anytime soon… Shit shit shit shit SHIT!!! HOW ARE WE GOING TO MAKE A CASINO FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH THE MOST POTENT ALCOHOL ON EARTH INACCESSIBLE TO A POLICE RAID IN FIVE MINUTES!?!?” Kiriko then analyzed what she just said... “Yuki….. You got a computer with basic editing software I can use somewhere?”

December 8th, 12:25 PM, Hot Cock Club, 2017.

“RIGHT NOW, HE’S POBLY SOMEHOW- shit- SLOWDANCIN WITH A BEACH BLONDE TRAMP AND SHE PROBLY GETTIN FRISKY” Sherry sung into the mic, trying to sing along to the karaoke while drunk off her ass. While several chickens and seagulls watched general disgust and confusion as she drunkenly staggered on the stage trying to read along to the song while most likely having triple vision, Hime simply clapped along to her drunken ramblings from a table in the back of the club while Suguri kicked her feet on the top of the table.

“Suguri, do you think Nanako found Saki?” Hime asked, turning her attention to Suguri

“No.”

“You know, Sherry is awfully good at singing.” Suguri decided to pay her attention back to Sherry for a moment.

“‘SHE CAN’T NOT WON’T NOT SHOOT WHIIISKY!!! ROIGHT NOW, HE’S RIGHT BEHINF HER SHOWIN HER SOMEHOW TO SHOOT A COMBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

“Not really” Suguri replied in her usual monotone. Hime looked back at Suguri with some offense, and huffily responded.

“That is VERY rude, Suguri! You should at least give her the credit for at least having the bravery to get up there in the first place!” Hime then took out her fancy vintage cigarette holder and propped it up into her mouth, took a puff, and blew it out.

“I refuse to praise mediocrity, Hime. To do so would simply promote doing the same thing, not striving to get better.” Suguri continued, taking a swig of beer.

“True, but a little positivity every now and again wouldn’t kill you, you know?”

“Are you saying I’m rarely positive, Hime?” Suguri leaned in a bit towards Hime, beer still in hand.

“You’re just a little…” She sprained her fancy smoke around, trying to think of a proper response, making small rings of smoke in the air as she did “.... Cynical most of the time, I think is the word… No, that would imply sarcasm, you rarely ever are sarcastic…” Hime thought harder and harder about what word would describe her problem with Suguri. “Ah! I got it, you’re… Suguri?” Hime realized Suguri had left the table. She looked up at the karaoke bar, only to see Suguri bitch slap Sherry, knocking her over, and catching her mike in mid air. Suguri brought the mic up to her tiny pale lips, and began to sing-

“Right now, she’s prob-bly up singin some white trash version of Shania karaoke.” Suguri sung, now sporting a slight southern accent to match the song. “Right now, she’s prob-bly saying ‘I’m drunk~’, and he’s-a-thinkin that he’s luucky~- RIGHT NOW!!! He’s prob-bly slappin on 3 DOLLARS WORTH OF THAT BATHROOM POLOOOOO!!! OH AND HE DON’T KNOOOOOOOW.” Hime watched as Suguri’s entire attitude and volume completely changed to the song. Hime, surprisingly, never actually saw Suguri sing anything like this before. She and her have hummed their little songs together at night, sometimes sang a light hearted song, but never anything this rough before. “THAT I DUG MY KEY INTO THE SIDE OF HIS PRETTY LIL SUPED UP FOUR WHEEL DRIVE!!! Carved my name INTO HIS LEATHER SEEEEEATS!!! I took a louisville slugger to BOTH headlights!!! Cut a hole in ALL FOUR TIRES!!! Maybe next time he’ll THINK before heeee cheeeeeats.” Hime hadn’t realized she had loosened her grip on her fancy cigarette holder, causing it to slip between her fingers and onto her exposed leg, burning her slightly. She cringed a bit from the pain, but it was over rather fast…. It should have been over rather fast. For some reason, the burn remained there on her skin, rather than regenerating instantly. It was probably nothing, I mean, she basically just left the hospital a short while ago, her body most likely wasn’t fully up to date with herself yet. She bent over and picked her cigarette holder back up, and placed on the table for now, redirecting her attention to Suguri.

“-Cause that next time that her cheeeeats- OOOOOOoooooh you know it won’t me oooon meeeeeeee.” There was something special about the way she said ‘me’ to Hime. Her fake southern accent really set in on that verse, and along side it, it was said just a sudden, cold tone. It was astonishing how much emotion Suguri was putting behind this. “Noooo, not ooon meeeeee….. CAUSE -” Suddenly, someone shut off the karaoke machine.

“BAWKBAWKBAWK” The cocksucker who turned it off said, pointing the T.V. with his chicken fingers.

“Hey kids do you like beer? *YEAH* Well get your asses over to the Northtown Casino at THIS ADDRESS *shows address* cause this casino is selling FREE LIQUOR!!! WHY!??! I DON’T KNOW, WE’RE FUCKING DRUNK N SHIT OVER HERE FROM ALL THIS FREE LIQUOR THAT WOULD NORMALLY COST AN ARM AND A LEG JUST TO TASTE!!!! What the fucka ya still doin over there on yo ass!? Come over to this fuckin casino RIGHT OVER HERE *shows address again* and get FUCKIN WASTED FOR FREE!!! It’s not like this shit is a WARUDA SETUP or anything, what are you, a fuckin COMMIE!?” The commercial then abruptly ended.

December 8th, 12:30 PM, Outside Waruda Casino, 2017.

The Chief hit the brakes of her car outside the casino, crawled out the window of the car, and got onto her feet. As she did so, some Robo Balls has arrived, and began circling the area. This casino, this hive of crime and scum, the nest of a far more disgusting hive of criminal scum. Surprisingly, the scum left the doors open, a rookie mistake. However, knowing the Waruda, this is a clear shot trap. It would be better to send in an expendable scout to make sure the door isn’t rigged with a shotgun booby trap or something. The Chief activated her built-in mic in her helmet.

“Robo Ball #92862, get over here.” A Robo Ball from the sky then descended from the sky.

“Yes sir?” It beeped.

“Fly in there and tell me if it’s lethathly booby trapped.”

“But sir, if it is, I would die. I have a family sir, I cannot risk my entire life for such a petty-”

“You all share the same fucking A.I core cloud, thus are all the same fucking robot. GET IN THERE AND CHECK!!!”

“But sir, it is the thought that counts.”

“STOP WASTING MY FUCKING TIME AND GET IN THERE!!!”

“Alright, you don’t have to yell at me *crying protocols initiated*, weep, weep, weep” The Robo Ball then floated into the building beeping a midi version of “Amazing Grace” as it did so. After a few minutes, the ball flew back out. “Sir, the coast is clear.”

“Really now?” Chief asked. She put her index and thumb on her chin, thinking on what her next move should be. “Alright, Robo’s. Secure this area. 30 of you followed me in, we’ll stir this place up while the others catch up. Make sure nobody leaves, and if they try to, detain them. LET’S MOVE!!!” The Chief then whipped out an auto-shotgun and ran for the door, only to fail to look both ways, causing her to be trampled by an army of surprise patrons, all of which thirsting for some free liquor. After the hoard entered the building, the doors slammed, locking them all in.

***

Sora and Sham, now both wearing their own identity hiding helmets, both in the same car, pulled up to the casino’s front, right behind the Chief’s car. Sham’s hel had a bit of watermelon style to it with several dull greens and pinks while Sora’s was more of a tidy white, pink, and blue style.

“Oh shucks, the Chief!!!” Sham said, pointing to the Chief, who was about two inches deep in the concrete.

“Shucks?” Asked Sora, a bit confused.

“Yeah, I’m trying something new that isn’t shinkey, what do you think?”

“Eeeeh, but too southern. What about shiz? Like “fo shizzle” Sora replied, doing little twin-gang signs with her hands. Sham just shook her head.

“Naaaah, first off it’s a bit offensive, and second, shiz sounds a bit too much like…. Yeah, no- WHATEVER! Chief needs help.” The two then got out of the car, and walked to the sides of the Chief. They reached into the her-shaped crater, grabbed her arms, and heaved her up and out of the hole. The two then flicked their hands around her armor to get the crumbs of pavement off it.

“Do either of you know why there was a sudden increase in traffic at the casino during a friday, a.k.a, a day the casino is closed?” asked the Chief, not even thanking them.

“NO SIR!!!” the two girls replied, saluting. The Chief opened her mask and pinched her forehead a bit in response.

“Someone is getting demoted for this shit, I swear to god. ALRIGHT, Agent Sugarpop, where’s the others?”

“On their way, sir.” Sora replied, still saulting. “Agent Neptune needed to finish up a sexual assault case and Agent Talon… Well you know her.”

“And Agent Tequila?”

“Never picked up.”

“God damnit Tequila- ALRIGHT! Agent Hiker, scope this place out. I want a full visual of the area. If there’s another way in, I want to hear about it! Agent Sugarpop, fill the others WHO ARE ACTUALLY LISTENING in on the new situation. We seem to have a mass hostage situation on our hands now.” Chief took out her shotgun, and bent it around a bit, transforming it into a megaphone. “When everyone is here, I’ll do the talking. Alright?”

“SIR YES SIR!!!” The two replied.

“GOOD, now move out!!!” Sham took out a pencil and paper, and proceeded to fly around the building to see if there was anything that resembled an additional escape.

Meanwhile, in the casino.

“... They are making this shit way too fucking easy.” Yuki scoffed, whisky in hand. Her and Kiriko were lounging in a secret, downstairs, dimly lit computer room, watching the police scene from inside. “These bugs you planted into the sidewalk are amazing, Kiriko! I can practically hear their heartbeats from here.” Kiriko nodded a bit, proudly. As Yuki gushed about Kiriko’s genius, Tomato and Mimyuu groggily stumbled in down the secret stairs.

“There you fucks are. Why the fuck is this place packed? I thought we were fuckin closed.”

“Mimyuu needs beauty sleep! She can’t have that with so many people here. X,c”

“Well while you two were sleeping, the cops figured out we live here.” Yuki began. Tomato did a spit take.

“DAFUQ!?”

“NANI!? O.O”

“Look, me and Kiriko can handle this as is, just pick up an earpiece. Mimyuu, entertain the guests so they don’t figure out they’re trapped in here. Tomato, get an escape plan going.” Yuki reached into a drawer and picked out some small earpiece/mic combos and tossed them towards the two dumbasses. The two hesitated.

“Excuse me Yuks, this is my fuckin day off, if you forget, and I don’t really feel like dealing with an army of drunk seagulls right now.” Tomato complained.

“You’re gonna fucking do it or you’ll be spending the rest of your vacation days in a FUCKING JAIL CELL NOW MOVE IT!!!” Yuki’s sudden sharp tone caused Tomato and Mimyuu to immediately pick up the earpieces off the floor and scurry off to get changed into some proper wardrobe. Yuki turned her chair towards Kiriko. “See, this is why you’re my favorite member, Kiriko. You don’t take shit, you don’t give shit, and you rarely fucking complain, and when you do, it’s usually within actual fuckin reason.”

“Can the cocksucking wait till after we’re in the clear of not spending the rest of our lives sucking seagull dick in prison?”

“SEE! LIKE THAT!!! MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOU NEED TO EXIST!!!!” Kiriko gave Yuki a look. “... And yeah, let’s get back to. Should we wait for all the officers to be here before we send out our big bargaining chip, or do we do it while there are far less here to deal with?”

“I vote for the regroup, if only to get all the info out in one shot. Even with those numbers, they can’t touch us. The building is filled with too many pedestrians to blow holes in without some collateral damage. Also, we can’t hear over their phones, so if they have a plan, having them all here and snooping in on their plans will give us a tactical edge.”

“Works for me, Kiri.” Yuki got out canned beer, cracked it open, and took a swig. So long as nothing fucking stupid happens, everything should go according to plan.

December 8th, 12:46 PM, Waruda Casino, 2017.

“Hellooooooooooooooooo?~” Hime asked nicely, tapping on the desk of the poker-chip vender’s stand “Veeeeendeeeer?~ Me and my friend would like to play some games, but we can’t without the appropriate currency!”. Hime and Suguri waited for a few seconds…. No one. “*Sigh* well this is a massive disappointment, Suguri. I was aching to get my hands deep and dirty into some card games, but it seems they’ve only opened up for free beverages of the devil himself!”

“I’m not complaining” Suguri replied, taking a swig of brandy. Hime looked back in slight disgust.

“Suguri, you know I’m down for a glass of wine every now and again, as well as the occasional smoke when I am feeling the mood, but honestly, this is what? Your fifth drink? You most control yourself Suguri, it’s bad for your liver!”

“I’m a cyborg, Hime, my body isn’t hurt by tha- *HIC*” Suguri clamped her hands of her mouth from the sudden shock of hiccuping, dropping her drink in the process, the glass shattering on the ground. “Wha…. What was that?”

“Suguri, have you not noticed? Our resistances are shotty at the moment, look!” Hime then lifted her skirt a bit, showing where she had burned herself a bit earlier. “I beleive it’s because we’re still recovering, and haven’t properly rested, meaning we’ve never fully gave our bodies the chance to recover from the incident at JCpenny.”

“..... Does this mean we can get drunk?” Suguri asked Hime. Hime thought a bit to actually think about this…

“... It… It may actually be possible, really…. Alright, it does seem we have a bit of a rare oppertunity at the moment, and it may be best to… Well…. Take advantage of it.”

“FUCK YES, LET’S DO IT!!!” Suguri yelled with an odd amount of drunk enthusiasm.

“All right all right, just please pace yourself, Suguri, we have no idea how much our bodies can han-”

“OH MY GOD I WONDER WHAT WE’RE GONNA BE LIKE DRUNK!!! C’MON HIME, LET’S GET HAMMERED!!!!” Suguri then dragged Hime away to the bar. The two dashed past crowds of drunk chickens and seagulls till eventually getting seated next to a hammered Sherry. They were then met with their bartender, who was totally not Mimyuu in a shitty fake mustache.

“Ho ho, their, lassies” Not-Mimyuu said in a scottish-esc accent “what can ol….. ._ .” Not-Mimyuu tried to think of a name that didn’t begin with M. “... Sher….. SHerber-..... Sherman! What can OOOOOOL Sherman getcha!? <:D”

“This lil lady here” Suguri said, shaking Hime a bit “Needs some god damned beer.”

“Suguri, I’ve never tried-”

“Trust me, it’s easy stuff. HURRY!” Sherman reached under the bar and pulled out a six pack of beer.

“Help yourselves lassies, it’s on the house! ^<^~*” Sherman said, doing a little kiss blow. Hime stared at the can for a bit, wondering if this was a good idea. She looked over at Suguri, who was already downing a can for herself… Guess it can’t be that bad. She cracked the can open, and took a swig, then immediately spat it back out all over Sherman, who resisted the urge to murder her with a hammer.

“ECK!!! Suguri, this liquid tastes like moldy liquid bread!!!” She said, putting the beer down.

“You get used to Hime. I don’t wanna hear anymore complaining till that can is in your artificial digestive system.” Suguri crushed her can against the top of her head, FUCKING LITTERED, and grabbed another can. Hime stared at her can again… Her need to fit in with the cool kids overwhelmed her, and she descended into the trap so many 90’s kids fell for in the olden days. She grabbed her can and took another swig, forcing the beverage down the best she could, trying not to gag. She lowered the can and took a deep breath. To Hime it felt like she just downed a quarter-can of liquidated sesame seeds… Yet there was something about the aftertaste of the whole thing that was getting to her. Not in a negative way, but it was interesting. She took another sip, this time being a bit more accepting of the taste… Then another. Soon, the can has emptied.

“It’s… It’s alright, actually, Suguri, but-”

“But nothing. Another, Hime. Drink.” Suguri passed Hime another beer.

“But I’m not real thirsty, Su-”

“DRINK.” Hime then grabbed a can, popped it open, and began chugging. Suguri was a scary bitch when she was drunk. Sherry, sitting next to them, took another drink of free scotch, and slammed her head back onto the table, Kiriko levels of shitfaced, until she suddenly felt something within her rear its ugly head…

“Ah hell, SHERLEY!!!” Sherry called out.

“.... It’s Sherman. -_-” Sherman responded, irritated, still soaking in beer.

“SHERMAN! Where’s the ladies room? I need to powder up. You understand, don’t ya hun?”

“.... It’s in hall to your left. -_-”

“THANKS HONEY!” Sherry then took off… In the wrong direction.

“NO NO, MIY- MY LEFT- she’s already gone…. Oh well, not Miy- Sher- my problem. -<-.” Sherman then began to leave his post “Sher- I’m leaving for a bit, serve yourselves, or something.” He then took off in the real direction of the bathroom to clean himself of Hime’s up-chucked beverage.

December 8th, 1:02 PM, Waruda Casino Outside, 2017.

After getting a good look around the entire casino, both around, over, and under via the sewers, Sham finally landed back next to the Chief and Sora.

“How’s it look Hiker?” The Chief asked. Sham shook her head.

“There are several entrances, but they’re all made of the same near unbreakable material Kiriko’s tower is made of, which none of us have been able to shatter yet. It’s possible if we all attacked them at once it might break, but the excess of power could easily topple the entire building, killing everyone inside. Our best bet of blowing out way in is by blowing a hole in the roof, but that’s not ideal for a mass hostage situation like this where hostages could be just about anywhere.” Sham then handed the Chief her detailed notes on the building’s exterior. She began flicking through the notes.

“So are you saying we’re just fucked? That there’s no way in?”

“No sir! I’m sure there’s some viable way in, we simply need to find it. Once everyone else is here, I’m sure someone will have a less blunt strategy of getting in.”

“Speaking of which- SUGARPOP, WHERE IS EVERYONE!?”

“Almost here, Sir.” Sora replied “Neptune was a few states away, but should be here in two minutes now. Talon is also almost here, and Tequila… Still no response.”

“God damnit, why does Tequila never take this job seriously?”

“They’re a war vet, sir, the-”

“If they can’t take the heat they shouldn’t be in the kitchen. That’s all I’m saying!” Chief decided to sit down on a nearby bench while the others got here. After a few minutes, Neptune had finally landed.

“Hey honey!~” Sora said, walking over to Neptune and giving her a hug. Neptune would hug back, but…. She sorta lacks the privilege of having arms.

“Hello, Sugar.” Neptune replied, rubbing her head against Sora’s face to give back some form of affectionate physical gesture. The two then lowered their visors and kissed each other. The Chief got off her bench slowly leaned over to Sham and whispered.

“Hey… Hiker… Do you have any idea why there’s so many gays in this town?”

“*sigh* Sir, if you haven’t noticed, 90% of the this world’s population is female. The remainder 10% of guys, which, besides 4-5 actual human guys, are seagulls. Unless a girl were lucky enough to find a guy who’s both not a seagull AND their type, most of us are going to slam clams.” Sham replied.

“... Do you slam clam, Hiker?”

“First off thank you for avoiding the obvious pun, Sir, and as of now, no, least not yet.”

“What pun?”

“... Nevermind.” The two awkwardly stood there while Coffgirl’s ultimate fantasy slowly came true until a giant gold plated limo blaring swing music parked outside the casino. Out the drivers seat strolled out Fernet without her fucking helmet on.

“DARLINGS!!! How are you all doing? Are we going to raid this bitch or what?” She excitedly said, getting out a golden shotgun.

“GOD DAMNIT, TALON, WHERE’S YOUR HELMET!?!?” screamed the Chief, infuriated.

“Oh I thought it was tacky. Really? White and pink? WhatEVER were you thinking trying to get me to wear THAT to our raids? At least Nathy overthere’s fashion sense matches her gody blue and black helmet”. Fernet scoffed. Nath stepped out of Sora’s grip and began walking towards Fernet.

“What did you just say, punk?” Nath/Neptune asked, stepping into Fernet’s grill, leaving her visor up to stare into her very soul, death itself inside her eyes, burning to Fernet’s very core. If Fernet were any weaker of a person, she would have pissed herself right then and there.

“Um… N-n-nothing, darling. I-I was just- uh- OH I KNOW YOUR MISTAKE! You must have misheard me as GODY! No I said GODLY, as in heavenly, darling! You look great- FABULOUS EVEN! HA HA HA!” Nath stared at Fernet’s lying face, Fernet slowly breaking into more and more of a hot cold sweat. While she could crumple Fernet into a tiny human paper ball, she decided the pants wettening fear she had invoked in her was enough.

“That’s what I thought.” Nath replied. She exited Fernet’s grill and went back to the group. Fernet took a deep breath, and joined the rest. The team of officers football huddled together so they could discuss a a battle plan.

“Alright, squad, so after the notes Sham shared with me, I think our best form of action is-” The Chief was suddenly cut off by a mic that just popped of one of the front walls of the Casino.

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to happen.” Yuki said through the mic. “Heeeeeey officieeeers, It’s your favorite evil mastermind, Yuki, here to call you guys a bunch of retards who couldn’t catch a braindead crippled seagull.” As the villain of the day spoke, A robo ball with an adorable little camera floated by the cops to film this great battle of minds between this city’s justice system and the absolute scum of the planet.

“YOU WILL NOT OBSTRUCT JUSTICE THIS TIME, YUKI-MOTO!!! JUSTICE WILL ALWAYS FIND A WAY!!!!”

“OH MY GOD DID SHE SAY YUKI-MOTO!?!?” Kiriko suddenly screamed over the mic. “HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA, HOLY SHIT I’M CRYING, OOOH MY GOD AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! OH MY FUCKIN- AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

“It wasn’t that funny…” Yuki replied, somewhat drowned out by Kiriko’s laughter. “Look, look, just get the hostage, okay?.. Shit, Cuddles was dumb enough to put him in the right spot, right?”

“Hehehehe, what?.. Oh, yeah, yeah he’s in position I’ll call him up.” The audible sound of Kiriko getting up was head, followed by some footsteps, a loud beep.

“Hahaha, YES! Excellent. Alright, mother fuckers, here’s how this shit is going to go down.” Suddenly the sound of someone being dragged to the mic could be heard. “You give us 10,000,000 stars and a free ride out, or your favorite little bitch boy’s blue balls are gonna get a LOT more than blue.”

“Who the hell is that!?” Yelled the chief, trying not to be concerned over the issue.

“Oh, you know. C’mon buddy, say something! You can do it…” Nothing…. “I SAID SPEAK, SHITHEAP!!!” A large, slightly metallic smack could then be heard.

“AAAAUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!” Peat gurgled over the mic. The sound of the entire city who knew him and didn’t hate him collectively spit-took.

“God damnit, only Falcon can cry like such a bitch!!! YOU BASTARDS!!!!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM!?!?!?!?”

“Surprisingly, nothing. We found him in the bloody beat up shape he’s in right now! Honestly amazing he’s not dead, I think he’s bled half his body’s worth of blood. Point is, he’s alive, but if you don’t give us what we want in the next hour, we can fix that. Oh, and we might get bored and start executing or torturing other hostages, so the sooner, the better. For some reason, the town golden girls Suguri and Hime are here, if you’re curious in someone who isn’t a worthless chicken, and I’m sure they’d take well to some toenail removals.” The sound of an egg-timer being set was then heard over the mic. “1 HOUR, OFFICERS, MAKE THE MOST OF IT!!!” The speaker then turned off, and retracted back into the building.

December 8th, 1:20 PM, OJPF HQ, 2017.

“1 HOUR OFFICERS, MAKE THE MOST OF IT!!!” Kai listened to from the live broadcast of the hostage situation.

Up until now the broadcast was mostly of the Robo Ball with the camera following Sham as she scouted the area, then the ball following a butterfly, then a plastic bag fluttering in the wind, then the ball putting the camera down to poke dead chicken with a stick, ect. Kai was highly tempted to just change the channel, but honestly, he was just too intrigued with whatever this lil bionic ball was going to do next, so he just sorta kept watching. He’s not sure whether or not he was glad he did or not, since now he knows shit over on Sham’s side just hit the fan. On one hand, Sham and her cop buddies should be professionals, meaning he most likely shouldn’t worry, however on the other, their boss is now giving a very loud, stern lecture to what’s most likely a concrete wall about JUSTICE, so Kai was not really sure what to think.

Kai really wasn’t sure why he was so worried right now. I mean, it’s not like this shit affects him in any way. If they capture the waruda, Kai’s going to be set free and get to go home, if they fail, they come back glum and let him go anyways. Literally all Kai has to do right now is jack shit and he gets to go home, free of this never ending downward spiral of shit that’s been only a little short of a week. I mean fuck, he’s been taken at gunpoint, nearly impaled by rocks, nearly died of malnutrition, murdered a small army of stuffed rabbits, had his right hand mother fucking slaughtered by a giant rabbit, followed by having it replaced by a red one that grants pyromancy for some reason, saved a police officer from rape row, danganed the ronpa, got arrested, escaped from an exploded airship, and now, after ALL THAT, all he has to fucking do sit still for like 2 hours, and his life can finally go back to normal…. Normal…. At his apartment he can hardly afford…. In a world he doesn’t really understand….. At a dead end taxi job…. He just has to sit here, and do nothing, letting the only person who actually respects him in the slightest miss the biggest shot she has at arresting the biggest big top in crime she most likely will ever have……

“Ah, fuck it.”

December 8th, 1:19 PM,Some Island, 2017.

“AAAAUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG”

Marc immediately spat her drink all over the floor, startling her pet seagull, Jonathan, who till now was quietly napping on her lap. Her husband’s been missing for 4 days, which to most wives would be like 18 red flags right there, but Marc knew better. Peat was always a danger-seeker, always getting into trouble, always coming back with half his blood outside his body, ect. Marc too was like this, and often times the two would go missing on days on end on some adventure, only to meet up for about 3 days to talk about what demonic creature created by satan himself left them with a 5 inch wide gaping anus this time, usually followed by hardcore fucking. Things slowed a bit on Peat’s side when he joined the OHPF, but evidently chasing and gunning down street thugs isn’t much different from purging the skies of sky pirates, so his occasional disappearances were still not much of a worry for her. However, this is no longer the case, seeing how he is literally going to be shot in the next hour by some gray-haired-cat skank and someone who thinks Yu-Gi-Oh jokes are funny unless the OJPF saves him, which clearly wasn’t going to fucking happen, at least with Peat in one piece. I mean really, 80% of the time, their attempts at hostage negotiations resulted in them accidentally nuking the entire building.

“Jonathan, keep my seat warm. Mama’s going to get Papa back.” Marc told her sweet pet, giving it a few strokes on it’s fluffy, feathery back before lifting it up, standing up, and putting it back onto her old red armchair. She grabbed her keys, kicked the door to the garage open, waited 15 seconds for the garage door to open, got in her plane, drove it a bit out, waited 15 more seconds for the door to close, and flew off into the bright morning sky… Which strangely turned into a gloomy, cloudy day the closer she got to the city Peat was in.

December 8th, ?:?? PM, Casino Interior,2017.

“And I told her YOU CAN’T PUT A PRICE ON QUALITY!!!” Hime sputtered at a random Seagull that passed out after downing a few too many free beers. “Quality is…. You gotta….. Um…” She looked around, not sure where she was at the moment. She appears to be on all fours, and wet with… Something, most likely beer. She attempted to stand up, only to flop right over onto her ass. This was odd, since usually whenever Hime tripped, Suguri would sweep in and save her before she fell, however this time Suguri was noticeably absent. Where was she, anyways? She must have wandered off somewhere in a drunken stumble, much like Hime just did. With new determination, Hime tried to get back up, only to immediately fall right back down. Hime realized this was going nowhere, so she just started crawling across the beer/wine/vomit/piss stained carpet to find her….. Shit, what was her relationship with Suguri anyways? Hime never really thought about this seriously until getting shitfaced, but really, what the fuck was her deal with Suguri anyways? I mean they met, they hit it off, they saved the world, they became friends, started living in the same house with people who tried to kill them, nearly got raped by NoName, yet somehow during none of that did Hime think about the specifics about her and Suguri’s relationship. She supposed they were like besties, but do besties horrifically beat the shit out of people who accidentally bump shoulders with you? No, that’s more of a bodyguard thing, but their chemistry definitely goes far beyond that. Oh fooey, it doesn’t matter! She’ll just ASK Suguri what their relationship is! What an easy, simple to ask question that resolves all of Hime’s issues! Hime got up and- GOD DAMNIT!!! Whatever, Hime just crawled to find Suguri.

***

Suguri sprinted into the men’s bathroom (on accident), made for the toilet, got on her knees, putting her arms around the toilet seat, and dumped a load of bile into it. Evidently, drinking too much alcohol in one sitting leads to extreme nausea, sickness, and of course vomiting. These are all things Suguri will keep in mind next time her body’s self-restorative powers go to shit and she feels the need to go on a drinking spree, but for now, she’s just going to have to live with the mistake she’s made. After a few more good upchucks, she felt as if the last of it had finally left her system, however, she still felt sick, and stayed in her position over the toilet for a bit so she could recover her strength. She, at the very least, did flush the toilet so she wouldn’t have to take in the fumes of her own vomit.

“You do know this is the men’s bathroom, right?” A voice from the other stall asked, flicking what sounded like the page of a book. Suguri’s eyes widened a bit, embarrassment welling her face. However, she decided to just take this with stride, took a deep breath, put on her usual monotone.

“I apologize, I was in a bit of a rush.” She replied, attempting to justify the most middle school mistake a person could make. “Drank a few too many and.. I’ll be out in just a few minutes, don’t worry.”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s an honest mistake.” The person then flushed their toilet, got up, and made a move for the door out, at least that’s what Suguri thought from the sound of his footsteps. However, he seemed to stop right where the door should have been, and…. There was a bit of metal clattering, followed by a click.

“Wh… What are you doing?” Suguri asked, trying to get up, but unable to.

“Really? You don’t know?” He asked, dropping what sounded like a large bag on the ground. Suguri tried to at least turn around to see what he was doing from her stall, but the motion sickness felt from merely tilting her head cause her to just gag at the slightest movement of her head. “Riiight, right, she is always very secretive about this sort of thing. Please, just try not to think too much about what’s about to happen, you’re not even going to remember it anyways.” Suguri’s heart immediately began pounding. She made another attempt to move, only to just fumble and hit her chin on the toilet seat, causing her to lightly bite her own tongue. She could hear him getting him things from the bag, she couldn’t tell what, she just heard the sound of a zipper opening, and ruffeling of the bag’s contents.

“Do you have any idea who you’re messing with right now?” Suguri asked, trying her best to intimidate him, perfectly hiding the fear in her voice, spite her mind melting fear she felt within herself at the moment.

“I do, Suguri. Honestly, this couldn’t be more perfect of a time for us to meet. Don’t try to act tough, I know your drunk as shit, weak from being hospitalized, and more than likely too weak to even get out of the stall you’re in. I mean, if you weren’t, you would have kicked my ass by now, wouldn’t you?” Spite her best attempt, Suguri’s attempt at intimidation had failed. God damnit, if only she went into the right- “And trust me, I know you’re only blaming yourself for getting into this situation, but really, this meeting was inevitable. I already had the girl’s bathroom wired to ping me if you went in there. I was merely waiting for either your or Hime to walk in and puke your guts out. Besides, even if you never got so hammered, I would have visited you at home, or the inn you would sleep at, or anywhere else you would stow away for the night. You two being so physically weak is the opportunity I’ve been waiting for for the last few years, and I’d be damned if I let it slip through my fingers.”

“Who the FUCK do you think you are?” Suguri demanded coldly, now more mad then scared. It’s one thing to drag her into this shit, but Hime? No fucking way.

“Oh please, even if I told you, again, you wouldn’t remember, and when I get to her, Hime won’t remember. There’s no point in exposition now, is there?”

“Then WHY are you jabbering on about how hopeless this all was and how big your dick is?”

“Oh my, I feel as if I struck a nerve. But really, that was all to let you know this isn’t your fault, pure and simple. Again, you’re just going to forget, but I really rather my targets think more about how horrible I am rather then blame themselves for the fate that’s befallen them.” Suguri realized that no amount of big talk was going to save her this time. Maybe her and Nath should go over the art of intimidation more. Suguri has the voice down, but wording seems to lack somethin- FOCUS, how do we get out of this mess?

“What do you mean by forget? Could you please explain that at least?” Suguri asked, lightening her tone a bit. She didn’t really care, but anything to keep him talking, thus distracted, would help.

“Why bother explaining? I keep saying- oh forget it, you’re just stalling now, aren’t you?” FUCK “Just stay there, won’t you? And please, don’t try to struggle, or this will get far, far more complicated than it needs to be.” Oh fuck this guy, there’s gotta be some way to bite back in this state. She can’t really move, but she might have enough strength to at least toss herself around to hit him with something. But with what? A plunger? No. Toilet roll? No- WAIT SHIT THAT’S RIGHT, HOW COULD SUGURI BE SO STUPID!? She reached into her right jacket pocket and…. Bingo, her energy dagger. It was a bit overkill, but-

“Your stall isn’t closed, dumbass, I can literally see you going for your knife.” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? “Drop it now, please.”

“... Or what?” Suguri asked.

“Or I’m going to have to get physical with you, and I’d really, really prefer not to hurt you.” And that right there is checkmate.

“Then why didn’t you just rush me?” Sugiri continued to ask “If you could just overpower me, why not just get in here and do it? I’m defenseless. Just do it.” …… No response. “Of course you’re not that stupid. I know that you know basically everything about me, and you should know that this dagger is beyond anything you can handle.” Suguri boasted, putting on a cocky voice. “This thing can slice Star Breaker’s skin. You don’t even want to know what it’d do to the natural human body. So come on, come over here and gamble your entire life to rape a single girl.”

“..... Rape?” He asked, pausing a bit. “... Oh, this is a rather lewd scenario, isn’t it? A cute girl, bent over a toilet, the door locked, me being as handsome as I am- well, you can’t see that, but the point remains, if your fear is of me sliding inside you like some barbarian, then you have absolutely nothing to fear.”

“Fuck you.”

“I’ll take that with a grain of a salt.” The man then seemed to put supplies back into his bag. “But, it does appear I’ve been bested this time. That knife is far beyond anything I can handle, so I’ll just… Leave, alright?”

“Good.”

“*sigh*, yup, it’s over… Guess I just have swap over to Hime now.” Suguri then very audibly fell over in an instinctual attempt to get out of the stall to rip the man’s head off, only to flop right on the floor. At least now she was turned around, and could see what was going on somewhat. Her vision was blurry, but she see the man, hunched over on his bag, retrieving the things he just put back in. Suguri’s eyes darted to his face to try and figure out who it was but… He was wearing a giant Jack-O-Lantern on his head. “... You really like her don’t you?” Suguri hesitated, but after a bit of thinking, made up her mind.

“Look, I’ll… I’ll toss the knife away just… Please don’t hurt Hime.”

“Then toss it away.” Pumpkinhead said. Suguri took the knife out, measured her arm length to his leg, realized she couldn’t reach, and tossed the knife under the stall wall next to her, making it inaccessible. “I lied, I’m still going to get her, just after you.”

“YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!”

“Tsk, tsk, Suguri. Why the language? It’s not like you’re lovers or anything.” All the rage in Suguri’s face began to slowly fade. “I mean, why would someone as sweet, tender, and borderline precious as Hime want to love someone as monotone, brutish, and violent as yourself?”

“Please, just… Look, I’m here, you win, just… Do whatever now, okay?” Suguri asked, now just wanting to get this over with.

“Oooooooooooh, no, not after all the shit you’ve given me. I told you, this could have been simple, but you just had to push and push. Now…” Pumpkinhead reached into his bag and took out a small, half-sphere object with a camera lens on the rounded part, stuck it onto the wall adjacent to Suguri, which was on the sink-mirror, and flicked it on. “We’re doing this now.” Suguri attempted to crawl for the door, only for the man to just step in her way, place his foot on her face, and gently pushed her back into the stall. “So you and Hime, please, tell me more about your beautiful relationship.”

“You piece of fucking-” The man then stepped on her hand a bit, and began to slowly press downwards, slowly crushing it under his weight. Suguri gasped in pain as he did so.

“I said, tell me MORE about your beautiful relationship with Hime.”

“EErrrrg… Shit, fine, we met one day during the Little War, there were some lasers, that shit ended, and we’ve been together ever since. She didn’t, and still doesn’t understand all the customs of normal living, so I’ve been hanging around her ever since to keep her safe, okay?”

“Oooooh, I think it goes deeper then that, Suguri. Please, more detail.”

“What do you want me to say? I just care for her well being, and she’s a nice person to be around, that’s all!!! There’s nothing DEEPER to it then that!”

“..... Oh really?’

“Yes! Now please, just turn that camera off.”

“Well, I do think that THIS, says otherwise.” Pumpkinhead then took out a stapled together collection of papers. Suguri just looked back in confusion.

“What…. What’s that?”

“Oh, it’s just a little thing I printed out and read to my friends for chuckles. You wouldn’t mind if I read it outloud in a dramatic voice, would you?”

“..... What the fuck is tha-”

“Our Time Entwined, by SlyShiobiGirl77.” Suguri’s eyes than dialated to obscene amounts on camera.

“You…. You’re bluffing.”

“Chapter 1, The Demon of My Dreams.”

“This isn’t happening, this isn’t happening.”

“It was a dark, dreary night in the eastern woods, and master shinobi girl, “Suri-Guri”, was making her nightly rounds..”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

“Then tell about your feelings for Hime on the camera, or I’ll keep reading this TOTALLY unrelated fanfiction about a TOTALLY original character “Suri-Guri the Shinobi”, and her relations with another TOTALLY original character “Emih the Demon Girl”.” Suguri said nothing in response, she just tried to keep a straight face, thinking about what would possibly be more life running to have on camera. “...... Rain poured onto the trees, the sound of the brushing leaves and water circling all around her.” God… Fucking…. Damnit.

December 8th, 1:25 PM, Outside OJPF HQ ,2017.

Against his better judgment, Kai had just stolen some keys from behind Sora’s desk and had looted the OJPF’s HQ for any and all loot that could be useful to help Sham n Pals. This consisted of some extension cards, some blank Hypers usable for anyone, some pudding cards, basically just a shit ton of cards of general use for anybody. He put them all in a rifle bag he also stole, and hijacked a parked police vehicle, turned on the sirens cause that’s badass, and floored it for the casino.

Kai assumed that the biggest reason nobody just blew a hole in the wall of the Casino and just beat the shit out of Yuki and Kiriko was because A, they’d shoot Peat, B, someone innocent inside might get hurt, and C, the walls were near impenetrable, which he knew from the Sham’s reports, least what little he saw. However, Kai knew a place where he could get in without anyone, least in theory, and that’s the men’s bathroom. Kai’s been in that casino more times then he would like to admit, and he knows from memory that’s the hallway right outside the restrooms. For some god forsaken reason that hallway past the bathrooms went on far longer than it needed to for how small the restrooms were, which now that he thinks about it, most likely led to some secret lab stuff, like turning into some descending staircase to hell, or whatever. The point is if he can slam this car into that hallway, at worst someone will just get hit by a few flying rocks, and that’s if the rocks can fly far enough to reach the bathroom doors. The only problem is that he wasn’t sure if the car alone would be able to smash through the wall into the hallway, seeing how Kiriko’s metal tends to survive really, really hardcore shit. However… He had a plan. A really stupid plan, but a plan nonetheless. See, before leaving, he stuffed the car’s trunk and backseat with as many explosives he could find around the HQ, and had a sort of fuse on standby, which was a rope duct-taped to one of the bombs, and that bomb being soaked in gasoline. When he gets to the place, he’s going to light up the fuse with his red right hand, bail from the car, and let the thing blow a crater into the wall. The explosives themselves are pretty mediocre, but that’s not the point. The point is to have the red right hand fire in the explosion, which, since it was made by some made by Kiriko, might be stupidly overpowered enough to get through the metal. The only flaw with the plan, besides the possibility Kai will fucking explode and if he doesn’t, go to jail forever, is that Peat will most likely get shot, but really… Kai just didn’t give enough of a shit about Peat to care. Besides, Waruda are the ones pulling the trigger, not him, so his conscience will be clear… Kinda….. This is a terrible idea what the fuck is he doing?

December 8th, ?:?? PM, Casino Men’s Bathroom, 2017.

Suguri was biting her lip as hard as she could at the moment, trying to ignore the live reading of totally not her self-insert fanfiction she wrote and posted online for anyone to read. She at one point tried going “LA LA LA LA LA LA” over the reading would stop him, but this man… He’s a god damned reading legend. No amount of distractions hindered him from reading the story in his over-dramatic, taunting voice. It got to a point Suguri caused her own voice to give out, causing it become all horse and pitiful. With no other way to distract him, Suguri just tried to block it all out, inflicting pain on herself to give her mind something, anything else at all to think of except THAT.

“”Oh Suri-Guri-Sama,” said Emih, “you have shown me so many wonders about this world I could only DREAM of!”” Pumpkinhead read, sitting on the sink, making over the top gestures using his free hand, “”But why? WHY would you bother with me? I… I am a DEMON, your MORTAL ENEMY, it is your job as a shinobi warrior to purge my kind from this world! Why have you spared me? WHY have you given me so much of your time?””

…….. Wait….. Shit, how far was he into the story? Suguri lost track, shit.

“”Suri-Guri took a single finger and wiped the tears of Emih’s face.”” WAIT SHIT, SHE KNOWS, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.

“ALRIGHT ALRIGHT YOU WIN, I’LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING!!!” Suguri cried, desperate for him to stop reading. He did so upon hearing Suguri’s pathetic, scratchy voice break in such desperation.

“I… I like Hime, okay? I like her a lot. I act all beefy, and tough around her, but I’m not like that, okay!? I just want her to think I’m cool, that I’m tough, that I’m someone she can trust with her life! I kiss her ass all the time so she’ll like me cause I’m scared if I don’t she’ll leave me!!! SHE’S THE ONLY PERSON I THINK ABOUT ANYMORE, OKAY!? JUST PLEASE!!! PLEAAAAAAAAAAASE DON’T READ ANYMORE!!!!!”

“... Oh my” Pumpkinhead responded, chuckling slightly. “That is all I wanted to hear, Suguri. Your confession. Was it really that hard.”

“SHUT UP AND JUST PUT THE STORY AWAY!!!!” Suguri cried, weakly tearing up on the floor.

“Of course, Suguri” Pumpkin head made a slight move for the bag to tease her… Then retracted his arm. “After this chapter.”

“YOU MOTHER FUCKER I’LL KILL YOU, YOU HEAR ME!?!? I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!!!” Suguri weakly crawled towards Pumpkinhead, only for him to once again push her away with his foot.

“We’ll see about that, Suguri, we will see. Anyways-”

“Because, Emih…. I realized something.” Suri-Guri said, lovingly gazing into Emih’s demonic red eyes, lightly sweeping her left hand around the back of the demon’s head, her right lowering her shinobi silk half-mask, revealing her soft, luscious lips. “You… Are my quest.” Suri-Guri then leaned in slowly to the demon, and planted a kiss upon her lips. The demon reeled back a bit, but Suri’s left hand kept her from breaking it. After a few seconds, Suri-Guri released, and looked Emih in the eyes once more. To Suri-Guri’s slight surprise, Emih only weeped in response.

“Why… Why are you doing this? Your ruining everything in your life! Your family’s name, your legacy, you will be hunted down like an animal for this! Why are you throwing it all away for me!?” She begged to Suri-Guri, tears of blood welling inside her beautiful crimson eyes. But Suri-Guri simply wiped them away, the blood smearing across her surprisingly delicate upper cheeks.

“Because, Emih, all my life I’ve hated your kind. I’ve seen them all as heartless killing machines for so long, slaughtering so many without much as a single thought. But you… You’ve shown me something about demons, Emih. We’re not as different as we think, in more ways than we could ever imagine. And when I see you, I see someone who needs someone else in their life. That’s why you didn’t strike me down, isn’t it?” Emih looked away, trying to hold back tears, less to be tough and more so Suri-Guri would no longer touch her face. In a shaking voice, she responded to Suri-Guri’s question.

“I… I didn’t strike you down…. Because I was sick of killing. I couldn’t do it anymore, Suri-Guri. I’d rather of died there then to take the life of yet another human, even a hunter of demons, such as yourself. I should be dead wh-” Suri-Guri put a finger on her soft lips, silencing her from talking, shushing her. A few more tears escaped Emih’s eyes, leading Suri-Guri to once again wipe them away.

“I hate seeing you cry, Emih, You know that, right?” Suri-Guri asked Emih. A sudden wave of emotions shot into Emih, and she began to choke on her own sadness in Suri-Guri’s arms. Emih tried to responded, at the same time, choking on her own words.

“This way… This way you make me feel…. It feels wrong, savage even. Why do I feel this way when I’m around you!? Am… Am I insane? Am I crazy?”

“No, no!” Suri-Guri said, hushing Emih’s words. “It’s not crazy at all. The feeling… Is it warm? Is it almost fuzzy, rising up from your stomach to your head?” Emih’s eyes widened a little bit as she described it.

“Y-yes! How… How did you-”

“That’s love, Emih… And I feel it too.”

“.... Love?” Emih asked. “What…. What is love?”

“Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me-” Pumpkinhead taunted, taking a break from the story.

“SHUT U-” Suguri screamed, her voice giving out entirely halfway, causing her to just make a loud, rough squeaking noise.

“HA HA! Oh that’s too perfect. Anyways, where was I? Oh yes, the juicy part.” Suguri attempted to protest, but alas, all she could do was fruitlessly squeak against it.

“I cannot say, Emih… But I can show you.” Suri-Guri then reached down and plucked Emih’s limp right hand, and gently placed it on Suri-Guri’s left breast. She felt the smooth, comfy touch of Suri-Guri’s suit that laid atop her firm, supple, warm breast as she cupped it unwillingly. “How does it feel, Emih?”

“P-Please, Suri… Don’t do this. No matter how we feel for one another, we can never be-” Suri-Guri cut her off with another kiss, pressing her chest further into Emih’s hand. Again, Emih rejected it, pulling back, though slightly less then before. Suri-Guri separated her lips from her once again, and spoke.

“Emih… I would sooner take my own life then be away from you. No one will separate us after this day if you would only kiss me back.” She spoke softly so that only Emih may hear her words, for they were only for her, and her alone. Emih once again weeped. “I promise, there will be no more bloodshed from you anymore. The consequences I face for my actions are entirely on me, not you… Just please Emih… I love you…. Tell me you feel the same way.” Emih, to Suri-Guri’s sorrow, merely looked away, her mouth trying to hold back a cry of her own sorrow. “... I…. I see…. I’m sorry, Emih, I didn-” Without warning, Emih lunged for Suri-Guri’s mouth and kissed her back. The two fell over, Emih atop Suri-Guri. “E-Emih!?”

“Just promise… To keep your promise.”

“Now till our last breaths Emih.” As the words left Suri-Guri’s mouth, Emih reached for the fabric belt of her Kimono, and grabbed the loose end.

“Do not break my heart, Suri-Guri.” And with those words, she pulled the belt free, causing her beautiful black and red kimono to plummet to the ground, exposing her pale, soft body.

Suddenly, Pumpkinhead turned up the ham of his reading from 8 to fucking 11.

Her breasts jiggled from the sudden release, their tips glistened against the moonlight, showing a perfect, sexual silhouette. With a sudden feeling of primal heat within herself, Suri-Guri grabbed the upper part of her shinobi garb and ripped it in half with incredible strength, exposing her own upper body to Emih. She felt the cool, forest winds brush against her skin. Suri-Guri closed her eyes, just for a moment, to let the beautiful smells and sounds of the forest consume her. She soon opened her eyes again to look at Emih once more.

The Demon Girl leaned back down onto the Shinobi, and slowly pressed her bare chest against hers, moaning ever so slightly as she did.

Suguri let out another very audible squeak… This went ignored.

Suri-Guri stared deeply into Emih’s crimson eyes, feeling her warm breath move across her face as their heads lay but mere inches away from each other. Emih’s long, dark, curly hair surrounded Suri-Guri, creating an almost cage around her, isolating the two together in their own little world of sin.

Emih wrapped her arms around Suri-Guri and pressed herself fully on her, kissing her as deeply as she could. The taste of Suri-Guri slowly fed the feeling within her that had once scared her so much before. It felt as if it was being both satiated and intensified at the same time, leading her to only want more of Suri-Guri’s taste. As her tongue slipped deeper into Suri-Guri’s mouth, she felt something trickle onto her lower body. Emih, the powerful demon girl, was becoming wet. Suri-Guri began to slowly move her hand down Emih’s back, dragging down her spine, down her waist, round her luscious posterior, all the way down to her glistening hole, which she then prodded a finger into. Emih jumped up a bit from the sudden digit being planted inside her, breaking the kiss. Suri-Guri chuckled a bit, letting her finger rest within her for a little bit.

“You’re so cute for a demon, Emih.” She then slid the finger deeper into her. Watching Emih’s face cringe a bit from the new feeling. Suri-Guri then proceeded to fully finger her, sliding her finger slowly in and out of Emih. As she did, Emih’s breathing intensified, becoming more and more sporadic as Suri showed her love to her. A few tears of blood dripped from Emih’s eyes, onto Suri-Guri’s face as she went deeper and deeper inside her. Soon came a point where Suri-Guri felt it was time to wrap this night up, and she inserted a second finger. Emig let out a massive squeak of pleasure as she did this. Suri-Guri a c c e l e r a t e d her pace, pleasuring Emih more and more as she went. Her sporadic breathing turned into that of pure moans, deep breathing under such intense feelings of wonderment and bliss. Soon, she couldn't take anymore abuse, and she came atop of Suri-Guri. A thick spray of her red, demonic love nectar coated Suri-Guri’s hand. Emih then collapsed onto Suri-Guri, weak and tired from the previous events.

Suri-Guri took Emih into her arms once again, hugging the pagan woman. After feeling her somewhat limp embrace for a bit, Suri-Guri lifted Emih’s face a bit to look her in the eyes. She spoke to her one last time.

“This is only our first true night together, my love… Only the first.”

“End chapter.” Pumpkinhead said, tucking the papers into his bag. “What did you think of TOTALLY not your own work, Suguri?” Suguri’s face was enveloped in several different negative emotions, primarily devastation. Whatever you think her face is at the moment, your first guess is most likely completely accurate. “Right, you can’t talk. Well it hardly matters, you’d most likely tell me to fuck off anyways, so…” Pumpkinhead removed the camera from the mirror, checked the film, chuckled happily at the results, and stowed the camera away. “I know Kiriko’s going to wipe your memory once she’s done with you, but maybe, just maybe, I’ll mail you a copy of this with no context at your house when this is all over. Wouldn’t that be funny?” Suguri responded in a massive squeak of disdain… Then confusion. Kiriko? What did she want with her? What… What was she going to do to her?

Pumpkinhead reached into his bag of tricks, and took out a small syringe, and a plastic container of an odd purple liquid. He jabbed the needle into it, and filled half of it with the drug. He flicked it a few times to get it all evenly mixed up, and leaned towards Suguri. “Alright, Suguri. Just close your eyes, and think of something happy. By the time you wake up, you’ll be in your bed as if nothing ever happened.” The needle slowly approached her neck. With no other choice, Suguri closed her eyes, and clenched, crying as she did so. She felt the cold, hollow needle slowly enter her neck, and-

BOOM!!!

Pumpkinhead in his sudden shock slammed his hand too deeply into Suguri, smashing the glass part of the syringe into oblivion onto his hand. Blood and purple stuff spilled onto the floor in a disgusting mix. “SHIT, HOLD ON, SUGURI!!!” He said, manually removing the broken bits of syringe from her neck, and getting a large wrappable bandage out from this bag. He got out some disinfectant, spritzed it on the wound, and finished the mini-operation up by wrapping the bandage tightly around her neck. Not enough to choke, but enough to stop the blood flow. “I am so sorry, this usually doesn’t happen! What even was that!?”

December 8th, 1:45 PM, are you tired of this joke yet?, 2017.

The Chief continued to give a long winded speech about JUSTICE to the front of the casino. Spite it being so early, the day’s light had quickly died out from an obscene amount of clouds in the sky.

“Sir” Sham said, trying to get the Cheif’s attention “I don’t think this is working.”

“QUIET, HIKER, I THINK I’M ON THE EDGE OF A BREAKTHROUGH!!!”

“No, no you’re not.” Yuki responded through the speaker. There was a very awkward silence, broken by Yuki continuing to talk. “Look, this was a waste of everyone’s time, so I’m just gonna shoot Peat early, set the building’s self destruct, and boogie out, okay?”

“WAIT!!!” Sham yelled suddenly, snatching the Chief’s megaphone.

“DEMOTED!!!” The Chief yelled at Sham, pointing at her. Sham merely glared at her back.

“... Shut up.” She then put her mouth to the megaphone and talked “Yuki, Kiriko is there with you, right?”

“Yeah, I’m here. What’s up?” Kiriko asked.

“Kiriko…” Sham took a pause, took a deep breath, and spoke once again “Kyoko was the one who sent me to check on you.” All playfulness in Kiriko’s tone immediately died.

“.... What?” She asked.

“She wanted me to… Warn you… About something Yuki’s planning. I don’t know what it was, but she she told me to, under no circumstances, tell you who the warning was from but… I think it’s the only way you’ll listen now. Do with that info as you will.” She then tossed the megaphone back to the Chief.

“.... Kiriko, I-”

“What are you planning, Yuki?”

“I-I ‘M NOT PLANNING ANYTHING!!!”

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PLANNING, CAT!?!?!?!”

“NOTHING, GET-GET OFF ME!!!!” A few gunshots were heard, and the sound of their microphone being knocked over, breaking as it fell to the ground.

“... Hiker…. What the fuck did you just do?” The Chief asked as all the other cops stared at Sham with confusion.

“Does it matter? I just bought us a few more minutes to save Peat. It’s now or never, people, we NEED to get in there!!!” Sham responded, summoning a few pink bots.

“How the hell are we going to do that, darling!? The place is sealed shu-”

BOOM!!!

After grabbing their weapons, the team immediately scrambled to the source of the explosion. There they found a solid, flaming hole into the casino with no visible casualties.

“Divine intervention.” Sham replied, staring into the hole, smiling, “That’s how.”

“Team…. LET’S BAG US A FUCKING CAT!!! MOVE OUT!!!!!!” The Cheif screamed, pumping her transforming-shotgun. The team scrambled in, the sound of them telling people to get down filling the casino. Out of the dumpster next to the hole, Kai’s head popped up. Having recovered from letting jesus take the wheel, he peered to the side of the building, only to see a massive, flaming hole where the wall of the casino once was.

“.... Holy shit….. HOLY SHIT THAT WORKED!!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT I’M A HERO!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YEAH BABY!!! THAT’S HOW IT’S FUCKING DONE!!!!!” Kai did a tiny victory dance within the dumpster, celebrating his bullshit victory… Then he realized he hasn’t gone to the bathroom all day, and leaped out to take a shit. Thankfully, as said before, the hole was in the same hall the bathroom was in. He grabbed the handle to the door and… Locked? OH FUCK NO, HE DOESN’T HAVE TIME TO WAIT!!! He took his red right hand and punched the door, causing the door to shatter into ash. He ran in and…… “.... What the fuck is going on in here?”

*vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

*Refences to "Next Time he Cheats" by Carrie Underwood.
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Pinzu vs The Pussy (A 100% Orange Juice Adventure)