Garreg Fuck Monastery | By : Somburliss Category: +A through F > Fire Emblem (all) > Fire Emblem (all) Views: 6195 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 0 |
Disclaimer: I do not own the fandom or any of the characters from the Fire Emblem franchise. I make no profit from this story. |
When you first walk out of your dorm room this morning, you’re greeted with a peculiar sight. The sidewalk is lined with pumpkins that have faces carved into them, though the faces are hardly natural. They depict teeth as sharp as blades, and menacingly large eyes. Worse, nearby structures have massive spider webs on them which couldn’t possibly have formed overnight while you were asleep. You even spot a few phantoms in the skies, though closer inspections reveals them to be nothing more than white textiles secured to rooftops by rope, waving about in the windy weather.
“Good morning, Professor!”
“WHA!” Already off-guard by the change in décor, Rhea’s sudden greeting is enough to knock you on your ass.
Rhea giggles. “What an adorable bit of clumsiness from our otherwise stoic, unflinching professor. Have the students managed to penetrate that hard, outer shell of yours?”
You puff out your cheeks in a pout. “I was deep in thought about the students who’ve defaced the monastery. When I catch them, I’ll see to it that-”
Rhea bursts out laughing. “Oh no, they’ve defaced the monastery, have they? Whatever shall we do!? Someone, please, summon the Knights of Seiros!” Her laughing fit continues.
You rub your eyes to make sure, but you’re not just seeing things. The whole monastery is rife with debris. “W-What other explanation is there?”
Rhea sighs away the last of her giggles. “Ahh, what a sheltered and backwards upbringing you’ve had. I suppose impoverished mercenaries have no time for things like ‘culture’ do they? I wonder, would it spite Jeralt to teach his daughter about Saint Hallowine? Or would that just be doing his job for him?”
Putting aside her apparent grudge towards your father, you ask, “Saint Hallowine?”
“Oh, she was nothing special on her own. Just a sexual deviant who enjoyed very elaborate non-consent fantasies. So much so, in fact, that she encouraged entire towns and villages to act out dangerous, supernatural scenarios, such as haunted ghost towns or zombie uprisings. She, and numerous other courageous maidens, would attempt to escape the frightening scenario without falling victim to the ‘monsters’ and having their bodies ravaged. Saint Hallowine was never successful.”
“It’s hard to believe you’re calling someone else a sexual deviant,” you reply. “But, if the monastery is decorated as it is, should I believe that people loved their time scaring and violating Saint Hallowine so much that it became a cultural tradition across Fodlan?”
“That’s right! During the Wyvern Moon, the people of Fodlan prepare those spooky decorations she loved so much, and the fairest maidens engage in those delightful, perilous fantasies. That will include you, of course.”
“Great…” you sigh.
“Don’t sound so disappointed, my dear Professor! You overlook the reason I’ve come to see you! I’m here to invite you to be my partner during the test of courage. As the icon of beauty for all of Fodlan, I am, of course, participating as well. And, unlike Saint Hallowine, I have never fallen victim to some lowly humans pretending to be scary.”
“Lowly… humans?”
“Oh, um, a slip of the tongue! You understand!” Rhea sputtered. “Regardless, all the cute girls of the monastery will be meeting at Magdred Way in a week. The area is covered in a thick fog at this time of year, making it perfect for the test of courage. And do be sure to wear a costume of some sort. The more revealing, the better.”
Meanwhile, in Castle Gaspard…
“Where in the world is Christophe? I’ve seen neither hide nor hair of him in a week! Bring the boy here at once!” Lonato bellows.
“C-Christophe’s whereabouts are currently unknown, my lord,” Lonato’s attendant meekly replies. “He was last spotted at the market by one of the castle maids. Reportedly, he was in the company of two young ladies, all of them laughing quite merrily. That was three days ago, though, so there’s no telling where he is now-”
Lonato slams his fist against the wall. “Enough! I’ve had it with his gallivanting about like some manner of degenerate! I sent him to the Garreg Mach Officers Academy so that he might become a knight of renown and serve the Kingdom. Instead, he spends his days shirking his duties, and his nights sowing his seed! Goddess, the boy scarcely knows how to wield a blade! Whatever he learned at the Officers Academy, it had nothing to do with knighthood.” Lonato sighs. “I can turn a blind eye no longer. I know that Lady Rhea is at fault for Christophe’s behavior. He’s been infected with the corrupt teachings of the Central Church, turning him into little more than a wild animal who seeks to fornicate above all else. Well, there will be a reckoning! I will not allow that witch to destroy my son’s good morals and get away with it! I spent years raising him as a proper young man, and if she has rent my efforts asunder, I will at least see to it that she is punished accordingly. You there! Bring me my armor and fetch my steed. I’ve one week to shake loose the dust and cobwebs. And summon the Bishop of the Western Church! I want to know Lady Rhea’s every movement between now and Saint Hallowine Day.”
“Yes, right away, my lord!”
“I swear this here and now: I will have the Archbishop’s ass.”
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