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Free as a Bird	By : Letticiae Category: +A through F > Dragon Age (all) > Dragon Age (all) Views: 9737 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age, nor do I own the characters. I do not make money/profit from writing this fanfiction.

Chapter List
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The Long and Winding Road – Part 1

Someone knocking impatiently on the door reminded Hawke that it was morning already and the expedition would be leaving any moment.

She tried to get up, but Alistair grabbed her by the waist and pulled her back to bed. He spun them around and pinned her down with his body.

"Don't go," he whispered, nipping her earlobe and tracing the shell of her ear with his tongue.

Her eyes closed as he rained kisses down her neck, his battle-worn hand cupping her breast… Go where? She didn't even remember.

"Marian, are you in there?" Bethany shouted from the other side of the door.

The knocking grew louder.

"Hawke!" Anders called.

Right, the expedition. She let out a frustrated sigh. "Sorry. I have to go."

"I know," he said and rolled off, freeing her.

The door was trembling with forceful, angry bangs. "Hawke!"

"I'm coming, damn it!" she yelled as she gathered her pieces of clothing scattered on the floor.

The banging wouldn't stop, so Alistair rushed into his trousers and answered the door as if everything was perfectly normal. "Yes?" he said, his tone amiable.

He intentionally kept his body in the way of the curious glances Anders and Fenris were shooting into his room.

"I'm sorry, but we need to talk to my sister," Bethany said a little embarrassed as she tried not to stare at his bare chest.

"It's for you, Hawke," he said casually, as if he didn't know that already.

"Can't find my breastband," she complained, ruffling through the sheets and pillows, already in her boots and skirt.

He looked over his shoulder, his eyes searching the room. "Under the table," he said and a silly grin spread across his face as he remembered how he had her bent over there a few hours ago.

Fenris cleared his throat, making Alistair's gaze turn back to them.

"Uh, we didn't introduce ourselves. I'm Bethany and these are Anders and Fenris," the girl said, trying to ease up the awkwardness of that moment.

"I'm Alistair. Nice to meet you," he nodded politely at them.

Hawke finally came over to the door, fully dressed.

"Will you excuse us for a minute?" he asked her companions and closed the door before they could answer anything.

He pulled her closer to him. "Please, don't die down there," he muttered, his lips ghosting over hers.

"I won't," she replied and their mouths came together in a searing kiss that made her knees weak.

It took all her willpower to pull away from him and open the door. Leaning against the doorframe, he watched her leave.

"Take care of her, Warden," he told Anders before they disappeared down the stairs.

He sat on his bed and prayed silently to the Maker to watch over her. It had been a long time since he had last prayed. Losing everything had shaken his faith. The woman he loved had betrayed him. His sister had wanted nothing but his money. The man he had considered a father, had turned his back on him in order to get in the queen's good graces. None of his companions had stood by him. Since that blighted Landsmeet he had had nothing to pray for or to thank the Maker for. He wasn't even grateful for his life being spared, for he had lost all that had given it meaning. Drinking himself into oblivion was how he had planned to spend the rest of his days. And then he met Hawke. A few hours by her side and he had found reason to pray again.

Alistair thanked the Maker for having been able to rescue her from those thugs before they could have hurt her, he pleaded to Him to keep her safe in the Deep Roads and then recited some verses from the Chant of Light. Praying comforted him and he was relieved that he still remembered the words.

For the first time in ages he didn't feel like drinking. He looked at his sword and shield. Elissa had found that shield in a warehouse in Denerim and had given it to him as gift. The sword he had gotten when they had returned to Ostagar. Both weapons had belonged to Duncan – the most admirable man Alistair had ever known. Hawke was right. He shouldn't be in this tavern. Not every night and day, at least. Drinking himself to death was no plan. His gaze fell upon the letters on the stand. It was time to open them.

Hawke came out of Alistair's room exasperated and with disheveled hair. Her companions were glaring at her and she wished Varric and Isabela were there to give her some support.

"Where's Varric?" she asked, as they took the stairs down.

"He's stalling Bartrand. Trying to buy you some time, since you're late," Anders answered dryly.

"I'm not late," she argued.

"Not yet. But you will be in twenty minutes. I thought you wanted to look professional," her sister said, her tone slightly angry.

"I do. It's just –"

"First a whore. Now a man you had just met. Why are you doing this?" Bethany snapped.

Hawke did not want to get in a fight with her sister, especially when she was about to leave for the Deep Roads. "Alistair… he made me feel good about myself. I don't even remember the last time I felt this way." It was the night before Ostagar. "Now is not the time to discuss this." She hoped Bethany would understand and just drop it.

"And when is it the time, then? You never tell me anything," her sister said, sounding disappointed.

When had Gamlen's become so far from the Hanged Man? What Bethany wanted to know she couldn't get herself to talk about and the way Fenris and Anders were glaring at her was not helping at all.

"Why do you keep his ring if you're going to act like this?" the girl asked.

Hawke swallowed hard. The night before Ostagar, the night they had spent together trying to make up for all the time they had lost, she had promised Arthur she would never take his ring off again and she hadn't. She never would.

The rogue rushed past her companions and got into her uncle's hovel to get her rucksack, say goodbye to her mother and do whatever else she needed to do before leaving. Bethany ran after her, leaving the mage and the elf behind with puzzled looks on their faces.

All her companions wore rings, so hers had never caught anyone's attention. Not until now.

Ten minutes later Hawke was out of the house. She was scowling and didn't give any chance for her companions to ask her anything. She just stepped ahead of them and set a hurried pace to Hightown.

Bartrand was giving some sort of encouraging speech to the hirelings when Hawke, Fenris and Anders got there. Varric was relieved to see them on time and pointed them to the oxcart that had been assigned to them. They put their rucksacks on the back of the cart and waited silently while Bartrand spoke.

"Big risks, big rewards," the dwarf shouted.

"There better be. I didn't give up all that coin for nothing," Hawke said, as she walked to stand next to her partners.

"Trust me. You will reap what you sowed. Let's get underway," Bartrand told her.

"Been a long time coming, eh, brother?" Varric said.

"That it has. The Deep Roads await!" the elder brother cried, putting the expedition to move.

There were ten oxcarts and thirty people in the expedition. Twelve were muscle and there was always a trio of them ahead of the group, scouting, and a trio in the rear, guarding. Bodahn and Sandal were in charge of repairs to armors and weapons, enchantments and were also carrying extra equipment to be sold. A dwarf named Varenmar was assigned to take care of the oxen. Two human brothers, Gideon and Godric, were responsible for preparing and distributing the food. Eight men were in charge of setting camp and loading and unloading the carts, but if there was need, they could also fight. The other five people were the three partners – Hawke, Varric and Bartand – and Fenris and Anders.

Hawke walked all morning by Varric and Bartrand's side and they took the opportunity to talk business. She was not in the mood to deal with Fenris or Anders, and to her relief, they didn't approach her either.

It was a little past noon when they reached the Planasene River. Following its valley was the only easy way to cross the Vimmark Mountains. They were on schedule, so Bartrand gave the caravan a fifteen-minute break to have lunch. They all formed a line behind Godric and Gideon's cart and the brothers gave each person a generous helping of meat pie.

In the afternoon, Hawke walked among the hirelings, making conversation and getting to know the people she would be working with for the next weeks. Fenris noticed they were all men. The only woman in the group was her and that worried him. He was annoyed to see how they were ogling her and she didn't even seem to notice. Every time she jumped on the back of a cart, her skirt swayed and showed her thighs, causing the hirelings to elbow each other and smirk. She was being too reckless again but since she was always so stubborn, he didn't know if warning her about it would work.

Everyone could get on one of the carts if they got tired of walking, thus there was no reason for them to take long breaks. Also it was the beginning of Harvestmere, so the weather was rather nice. Not too hot, nor too cold. This way, Bartrand pushed them to walk until late in the evening.

When they finally stopped, they were already halfway across the mountains. There was an old inn there and if it wasn't for a lit lantern in the porch anyone would think it was abandoned. Gideon and Godric gave everyone a loaf of bread, salted beef and cheese for dinner and, after Bartrand announced they all should be ready to leave at the break of dawn, they all scattered. While some set camp, others preferred to go to the inn.

Hawke, her companions, Bartrand and a few hirelings got in the old inn and found a couple playing cards in the candlelight. The man snorted when the group came in, but the woman welcomed them and informed she and her grumpy husband owned the place. There were two small rooms with one bunk bed each and two larger ones with two bunk beds each. At the end of the hallway there was a privy. Varric negotiated one silver per bed and paid one extra for Hawke to be alone in her room, imagining she would prefer that way. She was grateful and immediately went to lock herself in there, leaving the others to figure out with whom they would share theirs.

She changed into her usual nightgown, which was some loose old cotton pants and long-sleeved shirt, and sat on the bed, staring pensively at a random spot on the wall. She was feeling sore in all the right places, which had kept the blond warrior in her mind all day. The past night had been the only time she had felt truly happy with a man since Arthur. Alistair had really wanted to be with her and had made her feel loved and desired. It felt infinitely better than having to pay Jethann to pretend he wanted to be with her.

With images of the past night in her head, Hawke laid down in bed and slid a hand under her pants. She had removed all her trinkets except for Arthur's ring which got caught in the waistband of her smalls. She pulled her hand back up and while readjusting the ring on her finger, she ran her thumb over the carved hawk. Her expression instantly saddened. That ring was a constant reminder of all the things she had lost, of shattered dreams and failed promises. And when Alistair had made her forget about that for a little while, soon enough Bethany was there to remind her. She didn't blame her sister for taking away her brief moment of joy, though. She had caused the death of the man she loved and she didn't deserve to forget that. With that painful memory on her mind, she got under the covers and fell asleep. It was a restless slumber, for she thrashed with nightmares the whole night.

The expedition left on time the next morning. Bartrand was shouting and cursing all the time during their first half hour of journey, but since they were on schedule, Hawke ignored his complaints, guessing he was being an ass out of habit. By lunchtime they had already left the mountain range. If they kept that pace, they would get to the Deep Roads entrance the next day.

"You look like shit, Hawke," Varric observed. "And it's just our second day on the road."

"Thank you, Varric. Glad you noticed," she said sarcastically. She looked weary and had dark circles around her eyes.

"Bad dreams?" the dwarf guessed.

Hawke nodded, "the usual ones."

"You look like the haunted-by-my-past type," he said.

"Not the brightest remark, since you know I fought at Ostagar and I'm a refugee."

"But I'm guessing there's more..."

"Isn't there always?"

"Want to talk about it?"

"Looking for information to embellish your tales?"

"You wound me, Hawke," he said in mock indignation. "I care about you. Seriously."

"What did Bethany tell you?"

"Not much."

"Good."

"You had a fiancé."

"Crap."

"If you ever feel like talking about it…"

"Right."

"Not now, I guess?"

"No."

It was getting darker and darker and the group had not come across a clearing big enough to settle all the tents close together. If there were going to be tents scattered among the trees, it meant more people would have to be up in guard duty, but they had no option. It was too late in the evening for them to keep pressing forward.

A few fires were lit and Hawke and her companions sat by the one closer to their tents as they ate dinner.

"You are the only woman here," Fenris said, trying to sound casual.

Hawke looked at him and then back at the chunk of bread on her wooden plate and said nothing, so he continued. "The hirelings have been staring at you. Your armor is… distracting."

"It's the skirt, you know," Anders added.

Hawke just rolled her eyes, too tired to argue.

"We could take turns watching your tent while you sleep," the elf suggested.

"Nonsense. I won't have you up at night on my behalf. This expedition is going to be exhausting enough as it is."

Both Anders and Fenris opened their mouths to protest, but she interrupted them. "Since it seems like you're not going to drop it, how about we share a tent?"

Her proposal had not been directed to any of them specifically. The elf wondered if that was appropriate and if he could handle having her so close for all those nights to come. The mage considered if it meant something else. No doubt it was a perfect opportunity for them to get to know each other better.

Varric, who had been quiet this whole time just observing their conversation, finally spoke. "It's a good idea, Hawke. We can share mine. It's bigger than yours," he offered.

"Thank you, Varric. I'll get my bedroll," she said, getting up.

Fenris muttered a curse under his breath. That blasted dwarf was too helpful. And too quick. Again.

Anders faked a smile and kept eating.

Third day. As expected, the expedition reached the Deep Roads' entrance around lunchtime. It should take a week now for them to reach the thaig. Up to that point their journey had been uneventful. If there had been bandits or wolves on their way they had not dared to attack such a large group. Inside the tunnels things probably wouldn't go that smoothly anymore, though. Anders started walking with the three scouts, ahead of the group for he could sense the darkspawn and warn the others in advance. Hawke and Varric were right behind them, to provide backup if needed. And Fenris joined the men guarding the rear.

For the next three days they traveled without any delays. A few genlocks crossed their path, but Anders fried them before anyone could even draw a weapon. Though days and nights were indistinguishable, they were managing to keep track of time. Every evening they would set camp and Gideon and Godric would serve them a simple wheat soup. For breakfast it was porridge and lunch was usually gruel. At least the cooks had taken some spices to season the food and make it tasty. The bread, cheeses and pies they had taken were just for first two days, while they were still on the surface, because they spoiled rather fast. As for water, Bartrand had taken four barrels that Anders was to fill with ice every time one of them emptied. Since there was no more grass, the oxen were eating some kind of ration made of hay, corn and wheat that Varenmar himself had prepared and packed two whole carts with.

Nights at camp were always the same. Hawke and her companions would eat together and then Anders would go heal the hirelings of blisters and other minor injuries and fill their waterskins. Hawke, Varric and Fenris would drink a mug of ale and retire – the elf to his own tent, the rogues to their shared one. Always tired at the end of the day, they would all quickly fall sleep.

Seventh day. There had been a collapse and the way forward was blocked. Bartrand ordered the hirelings to set camp and start working on clearing the path. Three hours had passed and there had been no sign of progress. They managed to remove just a couple of rocks only to find more rocks behind them.

Hawke was getting impatient. She looked at Varric and signaled to a side passage. He understood what she meant and went to talk to his brother. Their conversation was taking longer than she expected, so she approached them.

"You think I'm an idiot, Varric? The side passages are too dangerous!" Bartrand spoke, raising his voice.

"I'll deal with whatever we find if it means not sitting here," Hawke chimed in.

Bartrand conceded and let them go. She gathered her companions and when they were about to leave, Bodahn came asking them to find Sandal.

"You knew the risk when you decided to bring a kid here," Hawke replied.

"Then I need to find him myself," Bodahn said and disappeared through the side passage.

"Wonderful! Let's find a way around before the expedition runs off one by one," Varric said, clearly upset. No, this was not right. They were friends and there was no reason for him to hide his annoyance. "Shit, Hawke. Why not help him?" he questioned.

"Fuck!" she said, realizing what she had done. "I guess I'm not thinking straight without sunlight. I was going to help him, I just –"

"Wanted to scold him first? Anyway, you are right. This is no place for a kid," Anders remarked.

"You have to keep it together, Hawke. And I thought Broody here would be the first to snap. Being an elf, I imagined he would miss frolicking in the woods," Varric said.

"I do not frolic," Fenris uttered.

"No, of course not. You could end up having fun and then you'd spend a day without brooding. It wouldn't be good for you," the dwarf joked.

"I do not brood either," the elf said.

Hawke rolled her eyes. She knew exactly where this was going. "You can have this argument again while we move. Let's go find them before it's too late," she said and rushed into the tunnel.

She just hoped she would find Bodahn alive and then she would do all in her power to rescue his kid. The aggressive way she talked to people was a defense mechanism. She used to be more the charming, funny type, always with a smart comeback or a witty remark to say, but since life seemed to be out to get her and tragedy and guilt had started following her around, she had became more hostile. But now she had people she trusted, she was conquering a better life for her family and she had even found a man she liked. Maybe it was time to start letting her barriers down. Could she do that?

Her harsh words had put a good man in danger. Maybe she should start there – thinking before speaking, being more careful with her words.

While fighting a few darkspawn on the side passage, Hawke heard someone crying for help not far ahead. She rushed after the noises to find Bodahn being knocked out by a hurlock. Taunting the foes, she attracted them to her before they could hit the dwarf a second time. She started running back to where her companions were so they could all fight the enemies that were now chasing her. Suddenly she felt an excruciating pain that unfortunately she was familiar with – crushing prison. How come she hadn't noticed an emissary among them?

Her daggers fell from her hands as she squirmed and screamed. And then, as suddenly as it had started, it was over. Surely someone had killed the emissary, but she didn't even look around to know who it had been. Still gasping for air, she grabbed her blades and ran back to Bodahn, to make sure he was safe.

"I'm such a fool! How could running off like that have helped the boy?" the dwarf was saying when Hawke's companions reached them.

"It's okay. You're only thinking of your son's safety," she replied.

"If you find Sandal out there I pray you do the same for him," Bodahn asked, before leaving. Luckily he was fine.

"You take too many foolish risks, Hawke. Some time there might not be anyone there to save you," Fenris growled, clearly angry.

She said nothing. The elf was right. She really was reckless and had willingly endangered her life to save Anders and now Bodahn. But she had done it because she couldn't handle any more guilt. If she was going to try and be a nicer person, to try and live her life, she couldn't add to the grief she already carried in her heart. That was overwhelming as it was. So if someone else was to die because of her, she would rather die herself instead.
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Free as a Bird