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Shadow of Destiny: The script of sarcasm	By : Shenai Category: -Misc Video Games/RPGs > Walkthroughs/Hints/Spoilers Views: 1697 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the game that this fanfiction is written for, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Disclaimer: For the record; I do not own Shadow of Destiny or any of its character�s. It grieves me so, especially since there is a disembodied voice that I am ever so fond of and wish that I could keep and own forever and ever through eternity. Where�s a Paupou fruit when you need one?

Note: Your comments and even your flames are welcome, though I will not read the flames. I will ignore them. God bless and enjoy! ^__^

Okay, last time I left you with our befuddled hero Eike who, having evaded death once, (completely unaware of course that he has eight more chapters full of horrible deaths to go) was about to go back to visit the mysterious Fortune Teller, known to all who read this as Sybil Trelawney. Personally I think that Eike�s just desperate for shag, but that could just be me.

Okay Chapter 1 loading... loading... loading... all done! The scene opens up with Eike standing infront of Sybil�s place, staring disturbingly at the door. Go on ya big Jessie! Go in!

Eike: Did my fate change? (He asks the door, absently forgetting that if his fate had not changed, he would be dead. DUH.) Did anything happen...?

(Okay... now he has spontaneous amnesia. Congratulation�s Eike Kusch, you have just successfully fitted yourself into the cookie cutter description of every RPG�s tragic protagonist. All we need now is a bright and bimbo-y, eh I mean, cheery, love interest. Somehow I don�t think Disembodied Hopkin�s quite fits the bill. Maybe Dana? Hmm... funnily enough she doesn�t actually strike me as being much of a bimbo. Funnily enough. Guess we�ll have to wait around and see.

Finished with his pointless questioning of the door, the screen goes black and suddenly Eike is inside. Aw, I didn�t even get to hear the horrible un-oiled screech of the door hinges. Rip-off. I regain control of Eike just long enough to walk over to Sybil and speak with her. WHAT is with that?! Why do we need to take control of him only to do that? There�s got to be something else to it. So with that in mind, I decide not to talk to Sybil, and leave instead. Ha! Take that plot progression!

Outside I head on into the Public Square and talk to my old friend Curtain-Goth. She seems in a better mood with me now and her only remark is to ask whether there is something going on in the bar, because she can hear a lot of noise. Well, why don�t you go and check yourself? Oh, that�s right. You�re not programmed to move. Boy must that suck! Heh, heh, heh!

The juggler is still juggling; why I�m not sure because no one is watching him anymore. Well, I am, but that�s beside the point. Go home already. That sheet must be getting really hot.

I try to enter the Cafe to see if I can get Eike to chat up that waitress again, but it is closed. Dammit! This is getting a bit like �The Sim�s� only twice as difficult! I notice out of all the things Eike carries in his inter- dimensional pocket, protection isn�t one of them. Too bad if he ever did end up getting some.

Ahem, anyway, with nothing else to do except go to the bar, which I refuse to do yet, I return to the heavily incensed room of Sybil to find out my next �Fated Hour.� Shuck�s, golly, Gee-whiz Batman, am I just totally excited. Or not.)

(Inside �Former Alchemist�s House� Aka: Fortune-Teller�s place.)

Sybil: (Cheerfully.)You have been defying fate haven�t you?" (Well really, do you think he would still be here if he- ... Oh never mind...) I am beginning to see a new thread... But � ah? You are still in danger. Three O�clock is now the fated hour... (Yes Sybil. Thank you Sybil. Three bags full Sybil.)

Eike: (Shitting himself.) What? You mean I still haven�t gotten to the root of the problem...? (NO Eike. That would make this game an incredibly short one don�t you think? Oh no that�s right. He doesn�t.

I take a gulp from my Archer�s Schnapps, hoping that alcohol will take the edge off of some of the Duh�ness of the dialogue. Too bad Eike can�t do the same.)

Sybil: If you can return here even after the appointed hour has passed, then I will tell for you the next fortune. (She blah�s, ignoring Eike yet again. Will anyone give this guy a straight answer before this game is over with? I sure hope so, for our sakes just as much as his. Because I�m really starting to pack the shits just out of frustration.

Yay, Eike is mine to control again. I�m so happy I could just throw up ... or something.

Go outside, run up to the bar, holy shit it�s on fire, how did that happen, why isn�t anyone doing anything, why are they all just standing around watching, what the fucks wrong with this town, why is everyone still ignoring me... So many questions so little time.

I talk to some teenage dude in red slacks and a blue jumper. His voice is horrible stereotypical and makes me shudder in fear and pain.

Teenager: Geez... I don�t think anybody can make it out of that mess! (Well, that was helpful. Because I�m an idiot I talk to him a second time. This prompts him to go google eyed and lean way too close to Eike. Oh please, make it stop.) You�re not going in there, are you?

Oh yeah I thought I�d just pop in for a beer whilst the place was burning to the ground. Just what kind of a wanker does he think Eike is? .... ..... No one answer that.

The next dude is another young chap with just as annoying a voice as Googly-Eyes. He must be a pyromaniac or something because he seems happy that the bar is burning to the ground and gets annoyed when Eike distracts him from it. Oh I�m sooo~oooo sorry Pyro. Here, stand real close to the flames and throw this deodorant can in. Ass hole.

Mother of Red Riding Hood and RRH herself seem concerned at least that the bar is on fire. Yay for them. Hmmm ... The bar, the bar, the bar is on fire... Okay sorry about that. Sitting on the ground nearby is a young boy who is either searching for a lost contact lens or crying whilst sitting in an odd position that defies all laws of grief. Sorry, but it does. Kid, at least throw yourself face first onto the concrete and wail a little louder.

When I speak to him, the camera does a slow pan over the bar, just in case we didn�t notice that it was on fire and then back down to Eike�s alarmed yet still disturbingly pretty face. Yes, we get it.

Wickle Boy: Grandpa�s in there! Please help him! Help, please! (The boy sniffs and wheedles throughout the entire thing and I have to wonder how in the blazes (no pun intended) that old Grandpappy has gotten himself holed up in the bar. What did he get so pissed or something that he failed to see that the entire place was burning to ashes around him? I can sympathize, having a Grandfather a bit like that myself. Eike looks fairly close to doing something, being the winner of the Needless Niceties award and all, but then he takes another look at the bar and appears to loose his nerve. Two choices pop up, prompting the player to decide: 1: The heat of the fires too great. It�s too dangerous. And 2: I�ll try getting inside.

Ha, ha, ha. NO way, am I putting Eike in a situation that leads to his obvious and very evident death. How stupid would that be, I ask you? Needless to say, I pick option two. Ha, take that you whiny brat. And your drunken Grandpappy too. Also, on note if you choose the second option you can go back to the juggler and get an egg that leads to a scene with MV. So what do you think I�m going to do? Grandpa or MV? MV or Grandpa? I�m gonna go MV.)

Eike: Sorry, kid... (Looks around) ...Damn, where�s the fire department!? (Uh, Eike dear, did you fail to notice the size of this town? They probably don�t have one.)

(Anyway, having made himself publicly look like a huge asshole (well if you want to be literal about it, I made him look like a huge asshole but... I digress) Eike heads back to the public square to find.... The juggler. Still ... juggling. Go, fucking, home already. What is your problem?! Well actually, it�s part of the plot that he stays there so I shouldn�t be really complaining, but who cares? I like complaining and I�ll do it if I want to. So there.

Eike watches the juggler juggle some more; thinking how just about anyone can toss some hacky sacks from hand to hand blindfolded. And I just brought �Eike� and �Blindfold� into the same equation. Cue fangirl drooling.)

Eike: Even I can do THAT. (The juggling kiddies, not the drooling.)

(The Juggler drops his hacky sacks, either shocked at Eike�s harsh but true statement or he�s just doing what most little kids do when a fun activity has lost all it�s spark. Then he reaches up his sleeve. Oh God. This can�t be good. Instead of saving Eike from imminent death at the hands of fire I�ve instead thrown him into the path of a psychopathic juggler whose going to blow his head off. Why couldn�t I have just done my public service and rescued the drunken old patriarch when I had the chance? I�m prepared for the worst, but instead of hauling a semi-automatic from his spacious cloak sleeves the juggler instead pulls out an ornamental egg, which he throws to Eike. ...Okay.... tell me honestly, who expected that the first time they played this game? Honestly now. I didn�t�.)

Eike: *Catching it* What on earth!? There�s something in here! (He examines the egg for a moment and then pulls out a little bit sticking from the side. A piece of paper unravels in his hand.) There�s a letter inside! "To Eike: Please get something like a thick iron plate." What the-??

(Looks around but the juggler has buggered off. Now Eike is going to do the same. Back to the bar it is.)

(Now with that exciting side quest out of the way, Eike heads back over to the more immediate crisis at hand. The burning bar. Everything is as he�s left it, no fire brigade in sight and everyone still doing jack shit. What a bunch of asshats. If a bar was burning down in my town everyone from the richest snob to the poorest bum would be out there hosing it down with whatever the fuck they could find. It would be a national disaster. But oh no, not in good old Lebensraum, home of zombified hillbillies, Curtain Kefka�s, Shady Psychopaths and Mysterious disembodied voices. The little boy doesn�t seem to be taking it in his stride however and it is up to the gamer to re-access this by speaking to him a second time.)

Wickle Boy: Are you gonna help my Grandpa?

(Player gets to decide again. This time, Eike�s going to prove himself to be the big "studly" super hero he is and dive right into the Lake of Fire. So to speak. And in so doing he is of course going to die, but hey what the Hell. This guy comes back more than Aeris in FF7, according to same game fanatics who have nothing to do all day except sit around reading every hint walkthrough they can find which involved multiple side quests like playing bloody Mary Sue flutes and ceasing the water fall flow to obtain the Mary Sue materia and then go and tell NaPap so that she for some reason attempts to do it and instead finds that she�s been well and truly ass raped when the damn flute turns out to be some elaborate half baked piece of dog turd concocted by some bespectacled horny Aeris fanboy who couldn�t get enough of her pretty pink ass and thus game sharked the components in their PS2 allowing�Ahem. Sorry. That was slightly off the track. Moving on.)

(Inside bar.)

(Stuff is burning and a chandelier falls from the ceiling. Wow, I feel like I�m watching a 007 movie. Eike, obviously not feeling very much like James Bond, looks around stupidly for a few moments, gaping like a constipated goldfish then starts coughing. This goes on for a few more seconds as he gropes his gut, falls to his knees dramatically and dies. Jesus Christ, even I could survive for longer than that and I have respiratory problems. You do actually find out later that Eike was in there for ages before he dies but the way the game designers set this up you feel as though he just keeled over two seconds after getting in there. Good thing I�m not counting on him to save my Grandpappy or something since I could guarantee he�d be well and truly written off by this point. Anyhoo there is a black screen rubbed in our faces, just to prove how stupid and useless we/Eike is and then the scene opens back up in the Limb. Eike is lying face down like an exhausted kid after throwing a temper tantrum but starts to sit up as MV smugly reiterates to him about what an idiot he is. Oh be still my beating heart.)

MV: It is difficult after all, isn�t it? To change one�s very destiny...

(Eike sits up and as MV finishes this totally necessary and helpful line (except not really) the screen fades out and opens back up on the Swirly wormhole of Star Trek fans everywhere. I guess we can assume that Dorothy is heading back to Kansas then. Eike indeed is plonked back down in the bar. Which is still burning. ... Thanks a lot, MV. I mean, I love you man but this is just pissing me off. Even if it is kind of funny to watch Eike choke and die. But Lo and behold, this time the Digipad goes off. Oh happy day.)

Eike: (Pulling it out and looking at it.) Oh man! This is not a good time! (You�d think his girlfriend just rang him up to remind him about their one year anniversary date that night, rather then the Digipad honking to save his miserable little life. Well if he�s going to be like that I should just let the little twerp burn. But I�m nice (at least to my poor strained brain) and decide not to torture him or myself any further. I bring up the Digipad screen and select the highlighted option. This sends Eike back in time to when the fire hasn�t yet started. He reappears outside the bar and I steer him around to the back where a cut scene starts. Someone darts around the corner out of view after Eike sees him/her/whatever lighting paper beside two big wine barrels. The person takes off when Eike approaches.)

Eike: Hey, stop! (Runs after anonymous person but doesn�t catch them. The camera pans around to show the empty street, which meant the AP, had to evacuate the area pretty dosh darn fast. What did they have, a rocket tied to their ass or something? The only one in sight is the before mentioned Mysterious-non-walking-man-who-supposedly walks etc but I get the feeling it wasn�t him. ...Since he can�t walk and all. Though Eike doesn�t think to question him or anything .) Damn it! (Eike runs back and quickly puts out the paper and stuff.) Phew... That took care of it. But who was that person responsible for lighting the fire?

(Whilst we all ponder over this question, we are now able to send Eike Back to the Future Tm. I do so and he reappears back outside the bar. As he does all the staring, useless people and crying little brat slowly fade away to drill home the fact that since to Eike�s Amazing Time Traveling Powers all has Returned to Normal Tm. Thank heavens cause I think he�ll be needing a drink after all is said and done. So will I undoubtedly.)

Eike: So, this is what it means to change the past.

(And on that intelligent note from Mr. Fortune cookie himself I save my game and leave you. Join me next time as Eike proceeds to bumble around in the 1500�s, loose his potential girlfriend and meet the most annoying Mary Sue Konami ever �Hey-Presto-ed!� All in days work for our intrepid adventurer Eike Kusch and I, your ever faithful NaPap.)

(End chapter 1.)
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Shadow of Destiny: The script of sarcasm