Life and Death

Life – Revan

If it wasn’t for Avery, I don’t think I would have been able to survive. I can't remember a time when I felt so damned alone. The galaxy is a very big place, and even more so when facing it alone. No one can ever imagine what it was like to see him for the first time, a weight was lifted and I finally had someone who not only understood me, but also knew exactly what to say at the correct moment. He’s been everything to me; a friend, savior, and lover. He’s been there when I needed him most, and kept me together when my world was falling apart…. After he told me Carth had died.


I must have cried for days.


For him to die on Telos, protecting what he loved, his home, I knew it was a rather fitting death for him. Still, he deserved better, a pretty wife. One who didn't run out on him in the middle of the night – One who wasn't like me. I should said good-bye, why didn’t I say good-bye? Did I really believe that there was a happy ending in store for us, that we would be able to have a life once this stupid war was over? Oh, I damn the day I left him, lying on that bed. He hadn’t known, nor would he have understood why I was leaving. It was for the greater good after all, but he wouldn’t have been able to see that. Not really. He’d always been such a stubborn man. If I would have told him about it all, he never would have let me go.


Thinking about him now reminds me of a million things; the first time we kissed, the first time we made love. I do miss the feel of him, he was perfect and I can never hope to be loved like that again. What a bastard he is…. Was, for making me feel this way. I hate him for it, yet I will always love him. A little contradictory don’t you think?


I do.


Kissing Avery now, it feels like a betrayal to Carth, my Carth who gave up everything to give me the galaxy, while I could offer him nothing but a whispered vow that I would return. Who knew that it would be to an empty home? My heart breaks now because of it. I am never going to see him again. To think, I was doing this because I thought this mission, this last mission would save him. Instead I condemned him to a lonely death. I should have been there. I could have protected him, I could have done something, I could have-


Avery pauses, passing me an odd look he holds himself up on his for arms, light brown eyes narrowed slightly. He always knows when something is wrong. I use to think it was because he could sense it through the force. Now, however, I know better…. He loves me, and when you love somebody they know when you’re hurting. That’s how it works right? Oh, blast it, I don’t know. I’ve only ever loved Carth…. And Malak, well, I’m not sure. I try not to think too hard about that, I don’t think I could bear the thought of remembering my assumed love for him and knowing that it was I who killed him. The last thing I need right now is a guilty conscience, with the weight on it already, everything is about to buckle.


I pull Avery back into a heated kiss, making the lines of worry disappear as I tangle my hands in his tan hair. He’s so beautiful. Understanding. Passionate. At first I’ll admit I was a little intimidated; I’ve been out here alone for a long time, and haven’t experienced anything close to the pleasure Carth had given me back when he was still alive.... And From the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew Avery wanted me. I’m not so naive that I can’t tell what a man wants. For awhile there I was a smuggler, it’s not like I haven’t seen or heard every pick-up line and oh, baby look. Still, Avery was smooth, charming, and utterly handsome, regardless of a nasty scar that dragged down from his temple to his jaw. I’ll admit it: I was hooked.


And now more then ever.


His hand travels suggestively up my thigh, I can’t help but shudder. He knows how to make me forget about everything….


Forget about Carth….