.Vixens and Vore | By : keithcompany Category: +A through F > Dungeons & Dragons Views: 2675 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0 |
Disclaimer: I do not own Dungeons & Dragons, or any parody RPG. I make no profit from this fanfic. |
It was four days until payday, so Earl's dinner was a handful of frozen burritos. He took the plate from the microwave and returned to the sofa in front of the TV.
As he sat down, he noticed a piece of paper on the floor by the front door. It was the actress from Nigel's campaign. Earl looked from it to his burritos and back.
"Even assuming anything is possible," he muttered, "I could never, ever be that hungry."
He put the picture up where it wouldn't get folded, spindled, mutilated or stained with hot sauce and watched the Bears.
Earl woke to the sound of an explosion, something nearby. It ripped through the air and echoed in the room. He glanced around in shock until he realized that he'd dozed off, and been woken by his own belch.
He pat on his stomach, hearing and feeling something gurgle around a corner of his intestines.
The TV had a man in a loose-fitting suit talking from a lectern in Spanish and beating a Bible with a ruler. He killed it. As that was the only source of light in the room, he was plunged into darkness. The gurgles of his belly repeated, louder and deeper.
"Alone with my gut in the dark," he said. "Not in accordance with standard safety practices." He thought about turning on the TV to help him navigate to a light switch but shook his head. "Submariners aren't afraid of the dark." He rose, tapped the sofa with his foot and aimed for the switch at the stairs.
Two steps into the dark there was a bright blue flash. A small form was visible for a second, something humanoid but small, over by the front window. Then it was dark again.
A small voice sounded. He couldn't quite make out what it said, but he could tell it was a woman, and he could place the tone. It was from every horror movie where the female lead calls out to the empty room, cave, castle or lab. "Hello? Is anyone there?"
"Just a minute," he said. There was a questioning sound in response but nothing else. He stumbled over to the wall and felt his way to the stairway. The overhead light snapped on and he located the humanoid.
The woman from the picture stood in front of his stereo. She had the same fine features, the slender build and the long, dark hair. The silk-looking wrap she wore was new, as was the jewelry piercing her lip, nose, ears and forehead.
And she was about a foot and a half tall. She shielded her eyes from the sudden light and looked around the room.
She saw Earl and looked up. And up. And finally realized just how big he was. She started to scream.
"No, no, no, no," Earl said, trying to sound soothing. "I'm not going to hurt you! Never!" He knelt on the floor to look less imposing. As his knees hit the carpet it shook something loose.
He belched again, a long tearing rip. If he hadn't been so surprised by the tiny woman, he'd have tried to recite the Preamble to the Constitution. Instead, he just turned his head away from the woman and tried to muffle it.
When he looked up again, she was smiling. She tried to hide her mouth behind her hand, but the glee lit up her eyes.
"I guess gaseous monsters aren't as scary?" he guessed. She giggled. His intestines gurgled again. "Well, I hope you still have that sense of humor in about ten minutes," he muttered.
Earl sat back and looked over at her. They shared a smile and started to relax. "I am not going to hurt you," he said.
She shook her head and waved at the room. A string of syllables poured out, not a one of which meant anything to him. He shrugged. "I don't speak whatever you do," he told her. "Um....not that you can use that information..."
He rolled back on his heels. She looked up at him. Then carefully asked one word, "Djinni?"
"Jeannie?" he asked back. "Like I dreamed of Jeannie? Are you saying you're a genie? Or asking me? You're not blonde enough to be Jeannie, I'm the wrong gender."
He suddenly felt a need to go to the restroom. He stood, then paused. "You're not going to get in trouble while I'm...?" She stared curiously at him, head tilted to one side. "Well, either I leave you alone or..."
She looked a little confused as he turned and ran down the hall. Alone in the room she began to explore.
The fake leather of the sofa seemed to impress her. The entertainment console didn't. She moved on to the hall he'd gone down.
The very regular holes in the wall drew her attention. She was feeling the strange material when the door behind her opened.
Earl saw her with a finger at the edge of a wall socket and shouted in alarm. She turned, smiling up at him. Then she took a breath.
The young man was mortified as she backed away, both hands covering her mouth and nose. "Na pa EFREET!" she shouted, then turned and ran towards the kitchen.
"I hope Nigel knows what that means." He reached behind him to flip the room fan on. "Or maybe I don't." He followed his guest.
The reflective surfaces of the kitchen equipment seemed to stun the little woman. She kept turning in circles, staring with wide eyes. He walked past her and got some multi-grain bread from the fridge.
While it was heating in the toaster, he poked around the junk drawer to find a jigger from a long-lost cocktail set.
He opened the fridge again for a beer and butter. Moving everything to the table, he sat and smiled down at the tiny woman.
Her nostrils flared at the smell of the toast. She smiled back and beckoned. Earl crooked a finger and tapped the table. "You come here," he said. "Away from accidental electrocution, if nothing else."
She hesitated but finally came within his reach. He slowly placed his hands down, palm up. She stepped on them and he lifted her up to settle her gently on the edge of the table.
When she had a pinch of bread and a splash of beer he sat back. He drank and nibbled, she followed suit.
The taste of the bread seemed to surprise her, the beer disappointed. "Everyone hates American beer," he muttered.
When he was finished, he tapped himself on the shoulder. "Earl," he said a few times.
"Hurl," she repeated in a musical voice. It almost took the sting out of her pronunciation.
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