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In Good Hands	By : KyeShgall Category: +A through F > Dragon Age (all) > Dragon Age (all) Views: 4955 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Bioware owns Dragon Age and all its characters. I own nothing and make no profits.

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“Varric?” she said, her voice inflected with that same tenacious curiosity that was bound to be the death of her someday.
“Can it wait, Daisy?” he said. “In case you hadn’t noticed…”
Varric grunted with effort as he leapt backwards to dodge his oncoming attacker. He leveled Bianca at the rapidly approaching beast and fired an exploding shot that tore through its head, releasing a burst of orange goo and sending the creature onto its back to twitch and curl in its death throes.
Varric caught his breath. “…Bianca and I are a little busy to be fielding questions.”
“Yes, I do see that we’re fighting,” Merrill said as she roasted three spiders with a blast of lightning. “But I think you ought to know... That very big spider over there? Bigger than all the other very big spiders?”
“What about it?” Varric asked.
“I think it’s trying to… perhaps… make a bunch of little baby spiders… at the moment… with Hawke.”
Varric looked up. He dared to hope that Daisy was joking. But of course not. When had she ever said something truly bizarre in jest?
At the far end of the cave, Hawke and Aveline were battling a spider so pants-shittingly large that Varric almost wished they’d stumbled into a dragon’s nest instead. Aveline’s sword was slick with the spilt guts of half a dozen smaller spiders and she was busily chopping at the monster’s vast, chitinous underbelly. But aside from the occasional twitch of its leg that, when not avoided in time, sent Aveline flying backwards to land with a hard grunt on the cave floor, the spider was largely ignoring her in favor of Hawke.
Hawke, for her part, was simply trying to keep it off of her. And she was clearly failing, because the massive creature had her pinned against the cave wall. It pawed at her with its hairy front legs and pressed its enormous mandibles much closer than Varric thought advisable. Oddly enough, the spider didn’t seem interested in biting, mangling, or even tearing her limbs off in a bold display of spidery dominance. Rather, it was… nuzzling her? Varric hadn’t realized that spiders were capable of nuzzling, let alone imagined that they were much inclined to do so with a human.
It took less than one second for him to decide that the best course of action in this case was actually to run full speed towards--rather than away from--the exceedingly large spider. He knew it was shaping up to be a horrible day when that was the thought of the moment, but there was really nothing else to be done. Last night had left him with the clear realization that, if anyone was going to be rubbing naughty bits with Hawke, it ought to be him. And he was not about to be bested by a giant bug--no matter how big and swollen its nether parts.
Never mind that he was really getting too old for this shit.
He generally considered playing hero to be a damned stupid idea, but at least he knew a few tricks to make the odds of painful death a little less likely. For example, the best tactic for killing a creature of this size was to get just close enough for Bianca to release a rain of bolts upwards, ripping into the enormous abdomen, without getting so close that a wounded, flailing spider might fall on top of him and crush the life out of him. It was a delicate equation.
Varric was almost in range for his shot when something unexpectedly heavy slammed into him from the side and knocked him backwards. He landed on a floor made slippery with spider guts and for one irate moment all he could think of was how much coin he would have to pay to get his coat cleaned properly. No washerwoman with a lick of sense would even touch a job like this for less than five sovereigns.
This blasted mine was simply not worth the trouble. He’d have to have a long, somber chat with Hawke about that whenever they finally dragged their sorry asses back to the surface. But for now, he had other things to consider, the most pressing of which was the fact that a big spider with bright stripes on its belly was hovering directly over him and probably trying to decide whether to poison him now and be done with it, or to toy with him a bit before ripping his head off and feasting on dwarf brains. As far as Varric was concerned, neither prospect sounded particularly appealing.
He scrambled to his feet, dragging Bianca up with him, but the leggy bastard was unrelenting. It jumped forward and reared onto its back legs, but instead of biting, it squirted something at him--something warm, smelly, and decidedly unpleasant. He looked down to see a glistening membrane of spider silk stuck to his shirt and tangled in his chest hair. A second later the spider exploded all over him in a rain of liquid innards as Hawke’s long blade pierced its poisonous belly. Disgusting.
“That’s the last of them, I think,” she said as she yanked her blade from the creature’s ruined body. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” Varric said, wiping the slime from his face. “Thanks, Hawke. I think.”
“Oh look, Varric,” said Merrill, pointing to the sticky web on Varric’s chest. “That little stripy one was trying to make baby spiders with you.”
“Excuse me?” he said, glancing down at his chest with a horrified expression. “Daisy, are you saying that this stuff is… full of spider eggs or something?”
“Oh no,” she said with a laugh. “Don’t be silly. Boy spiders don’t have eggs.”
Varric groaned.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a horny bunch of spiders before!” Merrill added gleefully. “At least, not since that time I went walking in the woods with all my pockets full of gossamer elfroot and spiderwort.”
“Gossamer elfroot and spiderwort?” Hawke repeated, casting a suspicious glance at Varric.
“Oh yes,” said Merrill. “Remarkably good for healing bumps and bruises. But the big spiders will try to mate with you something fierce if you smell like it.”
Varric shrugged and glanced up at Hawke. “Learn something new everyday, huh?”
“Huh,” she said, but she was smiling. “I think for all this trouble you owe me a beer.”
“I owe you dinner and a beer,” he said. “How about that?”
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In Good Hands