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Iridescence	By : Arcanis_Born Category: +A through F > Dragon Age (all) > Dragon Age (all) Views: 4697 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Dragon Age and the characters from it do not belong to me. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Author's Note: Author's Note: This is my first story in a long while. The tags will change as the story progresses. DA 2 is owned by Bioware, as with all it's characters, the story as it deviates from canon is mine however, as with the personalities of characters as they deviate from those in the game.

This takes place just after "All that remains" when Fenris comes to try and console Hawke about her mother. Warning: This is where things go non-canon and where my own story comes forward.

Hawke sat alone on her bed, her head in her hands as she remembered the moment her mother died. Her heart heavy with regret and guilt, she was relieved to finally be alone. It was only a few hours ago that she held her mother as she died. The memory of her disgraced body and absent eyes still seared her soul, and make her nausea at the event come back.
Did she cause this? If only she had been more attentive to her mother instead of off everyday doing jobs for the city or favors for people she came across. Maybe if she spent more time with her, this would never of happened. Maker knows Gemlen had already accused her of such.
At this moment, she truly felt cursed. First her father died, then Carver at the hands of that ogre. Bethany had also died due to the taint from the Deep Roads. Now, she was alone. It seemed as if everyone she cared for was doomed to die in horrible means. Her chest heavy with regret and sorrow, her well built resolve and steely nature crumbled under the weight of the past few years.
With her face in her hands, she finally let the tears flow. When she was with her companions, she needed to be strong. She used humor to hide her feelings, and took her anger out on her enemies. She couldn't let weakness show, not when her actions were being scrutinized by every political and powerful person in Kirkwall and beyond. From what she heard, all of Ferelden was holding it's breath while her actions were being judged by powers both foreign and domestic.
The Viscount, the Knight-Commander, the First Enchanter, the Arishok, even the King of all Ferelden were watching her and her actions. Most times she refused to spend too much time thinking about it, lest it prove to be too much at the wrong moment and cause her to falter. However, now everything seemed to come crashing at her and blinding speeds. All her failures, all her faults, all the ways she could of done better.
Hawke let it all out, heaving violently as each sob racked her body. Alone in her room, she finally felt free enough to let her true emotions show. Not even after Fenris left her did she let her emotions get the better of her. She was crushed, desolate, yet she still had the responsibility of leading her companions, and Fenris was a much needed member of that group.
So, she smiled and pretended that nothing happened, even though inside her heart was breaking. Isabella was no help, with her constant bantering with the others and her sexual teasing with the other people in the group. Even Fenris was not immune to her teasing, just yesterday she overheard Isabella asking what colour his small clothes were....
Perhaps she was only a warm body that was needed for refuge after a traumatic experience. She certainly felt like it after he left her that night. Even though he corrected himself, she still felt the barbs that struck her at his feelings over the love-making as "fine".
Hawke sighed heavily as she thought she truly was cursed. Perhaps it was better that Fenris left when he did incase something far worse happened to him because of her feelings for him. She didn't want this curse to harm him as it had the rest of her family.
Just then, she heard a soft knock on her door. She wiped her hand across her face, trying in futility to banished the tears that streaked her face, and took a deep breath, trying to steady her voice.
"I'm not in the mood, Bodahn. Whatever it is, it can wait 'till the morning." Hawke replied without even opening the door. She didn't want to see anyone, nor deal with any problems that popped up. Maker help her, she just wanted a single night to herself to grieve for her mother and everything else she had lost since the blight changed her life.
Again, the knocking came, this time a little louder than the last time. Still, no voice accompanied it, so trying in vain to wipe away the signs of her moment of weakness, she sighed and got up to open the door.
"Look, I am not feeling-" Hawke stopped mid-sentence as she saw not Bodahn at her door, but Fenris. Shocked and instantly embarrassed for her disheveled look and obvious crying, she quickly turned around and walked further into her room.
"Wha-What are you doing here?" She asked as she avoided looking directly at the man who could reduce her even further into misery by just his mere presence and cold demeanor after the night they shared.
"I....I uh-" Fenris lost all memory of what he had rehearsed many times over in his mansion before coming over here. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was, not just for her mother's death, but for what happened between them.
These past few weeks have left him confused and feeling even more alone than normal. The long hours he spent every evening when he was not around her were spent drinking heavily as he ridiculed himself over and over again for his cowardice. The dreams still had not relented, yet now mixed in with nightmares of his life as a slave, he also dreamt of the woman in front of him. Of him hurting her, or her expressing her disgust at him for daring to be near her, let alone touch her as he did.
And now, looking at her from across the room, he felt as if his heart lay shattered before him. Her violet-red hair a mess, her make-up smudged down her cheeks, her eyes puffy and red from the tears she obviously shed. For the longest time he thought Hawke was incapable of crying, as even though she was injured many times throughout their various battles, she never complained and always sought to comfort and tend to the others before herself. It was one of the things he admired most about her; She exuded more strength and determination than he had ever seen, even in the most stoutest of warriors.
Yet now, with her arms wrapped around herself as if she were trying desperately to hold herself together, his heart seemed to break all over again at his inability to keep this tragedy from happening to her.
"I came to see if there was anything I could do..." Fenris finally managed to say as he took a couple steps into her room. Even given the severity of the tragedy that happened, as he entered his room his mind still brought forward the memories of the last time he was here in her room. The last time - No, the only time he had ever been truly happy.
Hawke scoffed at his attempt to show kindness when she knew how he really felt. It was not the first time she was used as just a warm body to be used, and she swore she would never be used like that again, only to have it happen once more. And by a man she had come to care about deeply, even after he left her that night. She hated how she still had feelings for him. How he could still make her heart melt when he looked at her, or make her body ache whenever he smiled.
She pretended as he did that nothing had happened. Yet, it was surely obvious to their companions that something did, seeing as their usual flirting and playful banter had all but stopped. She even tried to speak to him only when necessary, and avoided his company as much as possible. It just hurt too much. And for that, she hated herself even more.
"I'm fine, Fenris. There is no reason for you to be concerned. I am sure there are more pressing matters to attend to than checking in on me. Have no fear, I will be back to providing you and the others with contracts and marks to provide you with silvers soon enough."
Hawke's anger at herself and at the world in general seeped through her voice, slicing deeply into Fenris. He watched her move across the room, trying absently to busy herself with various tedious tasks as she spoke. Tidying up her room, straightening books and papers.
"It's not your fault, you know." He heard himself say.
She looked up at him, causing him to nearly crumble at the pain and anger in her eyes. Hawke was momentarily speechless, wondering what exactly he meant by his words.
Did he mean the death of her mother? Of Carver or Bethany? Or did he mean what happened between them?
Fenris took a few more steps closer Hawke, very much aware of the volatile nature she was in at the moment. But still a part of him called out to comfort her, to try whatever he could to ease her pain, yet not knowing how.
Sensing her doubt, he held his hand out to her. "None of it. Not all this death, not the problems of the city, and especially not what happened between us."
Hawke again felt her chest constrict as another sob threatened to overtake her. But no, she would not let it. Not in front of another. Not in front of him. Yet, as she looked at his outstretched hand and the look on his face - pity? concern? she couldn't decide which - she found herself walking into his arms and wrapping her own arms around him.
Silently, her body shook as it tried futilely to hold back her tears. Fenris just held her close, running his hand through her hair and down her back. He had no idea what to say, so he offered the only comfort he knew.
Softly, he hummed a lullaby that he heard from a Dalish clan he spent some time with. Wordless, yet somehow it seemed to slow her body convulsions. He didn't know how long he held her like that, but he didn't care.
Again, the pain of the lyrium eased away, replaced by her warmth. And as he held her, the world seemed to disappear until it was just the two of them. The gentle hum of his voice spread through Hawke's body, just as the warmth from his body did. Lost in each other's presence, her trembling ceased and her breathing slowed.
Lifting her head up, she looked into his eyes. Eyes so blue, it did shame to other colours. Eyes she could so easily loose herself into. Eyes that for once didn't glow with the icy hatred and distrust he normally showed to others. No, now the piercing depth of blue held nothing but compassion, warmth, concern, and.... love?
"No," Hawke shook her head as she thought. "No, he doesn't love me. No one could."
"Tell me Hawke. Tell me what you are thinking." Fenris whispered as he saw her shake her head, as if clearing her mind of thoughts she didn't want.
Without answering him, Hawke pulled away from him and stepped away, wrapping her arms once again around herself.
"Hawke..."
"Please Fenris, don't tease me." She whispered without looking at him.
"I don't understand...."
Hawke looked up at him, tears once again threatening to break free from her eyes. What was it about him that caused her walls to crumble so easily?
"I am sure there other warm bodies to keep you company. I... I can't go through that again. Not again.... Not tonight after - after what happened...." Hawke's voice broke slightly as a single tear slid down her cheek. She went to wipe it away, only to have to wrist caught by Fenris.
"Iris..."
Violently she pulled away from his touch. "No! You cannot just come back here after leaving me and expect me to crawl back to you. Especially not tonight. My mother is dead Fenris!! Dead!! My heart is damaged enough! I will not survive to have it broken again by you." Shocked at her own outburst, Hawke moved away further, trying to distance herself from him. "Please, just... Just go, Fenris. If you have an urge that you need to sate, look for it elsewhere."
Fenris felt like he had been slapped. No, slapped is not enough. Stabbed through the chest would be more appropriate. "She thinks she was just a warm body? Just a place to sate an "urge"?
"By Andraste, no! Please do not think that! It was never like that! Never did I think of you as such!"
Hawke paused at his pleading. She turned back to look at him and saw the shock and horror in his eyes. Did she dare believe it? Did she risk her heart to him once more?
"Than what am I, Fenris? Why did you leave me that night?"
Fenris felt his heart contract. What did he say to her? What could he say? Dear Maker, how did he find himself in this mess?
With a heavy sigh and a deep breath, Fenris resolved to not run away again. He was no coward, and he should never have acted as such.
"It wasn't just the dreams. They were more vivid, more real. Then, for a few moments, I remembered it all. My whole life. But I also relived the pain of it. The pain of the lyrium being put into me. I couldn't breathe, couldn't move. Every part of me felt as if I was on fire. Then it was gone, and it was just as before."
He ran his hand through his hair and walked over to the window. There he stood silent for a moment as he went over the last few weeks in his mind. Patiently, Hawke waited for him continue. She needed to know why he left her. Even if the truth hurt, she still needed to know.
"Then, when it was over, I realized that when we were making love, the pain was gone. I didn't notice it at first. It was only after it returned did I notice it's absence." His arms were crossed now as looked out into the night. "I didn't understand why. I didn't know what it was about you, but it made me afraid."
Fenris looked back at her, a small half-smile on his lips. "All I knew was that when I was with you, I was at peace. But then it was over, and the pain returned worse than before. Laying there afterward, I kept thinking about what would happen to you if anyone knew how close you were to me."
Returning his gaze to the night, he continued to tell her what he had tried to hide from himself over the past few weeks.
"Denarius may be dead, but there are others out there. Enemies I have made. People who would still be interested in the lyrium I possess or the secret as to how it was done. I couldn't even face what I felt for you, myself. I still don't know what it is exactly."
"What do you feel? Please, I need to know." Interrupted Hawke.
He sighed as he contemplated the answer to the very question he had been trying to figure out for the last few weeks. Slowly, he turned to her, his hand falling to his sides in defeat. He tried to speak calmly, but bitterness seeped into his voice nonetheless.
"I don't know, Hawke. I don't understand this." Growling softly, he paced the room in front of her. "All my life, I have known only pain. I was slave up until the moment I ran from Denarius, and I suppose in some ways I still am. A slave to my past."
"You don't know what it's like, to be at the mercy of someone else. To be forced against your will to do things distasteful and horrid, just because of the person commanding me was more powerful. Yet for most of my life, I never questioned it. I hated it, but that was my life. Then, for reasons I still don't understand, I ran."
"You're wrong, Fenris. I do know."
Fenris stopped his pacing as he barely heard the soft whisper of confession from her. Suddenly, he was there in front of her, grabbing her arm.
"What do you mean?" He asked harshly. Yet Hawke knew it was more out of concern than true anger.
This time it was Hawke's turn to turn away and wonder off.
"I... I do not wish to speak of it. Not now. Just know that I know all to well what it is like to be nothing but a warm body, and to do things I found distasteful because of someone else's power over me."
"Hawke...." His voice softer now, almost pleading.
"No, Fenris. You will not escape this that easily. Unless you tell me now what you feel for me, I will send you from this house."
Dropping his head, he realized that she was right. However, he resolved to find out what happened to her - and to punish all those who hurt her.
"Hawke... I...." Looking up at her, standing close to her dresser, she looked so ethereal. The moonlight and soft flicker from the few candles in her room danced across her beautiful frame. Tall for women of Kirkwall, her beauty haunted his dreams and his waking hours alike. Deep violent eyes matched by her violet-red hair. Twin braids coming down on either side of her face, the rest of her short hair loose around her shoulders. Even the slight tattoo on the left side of her face had a purple-ish tinge to it.
With her finery on, she looked every bit the goddess he imagined her to be. Richly red lips that begged to be kissed, and soft pale skin that felt like silk under his fingertips. Never had he seen a more beautiful woman, yet it was not just her physical appearance that drew her to him.
Over the last few years, he has seen her show enormous amounts of compassion to those in need, yet seemingly endless fury to those who crossed her. She was a deadly whirlwind in combat, showing no mercy to those who dared to harm the innocent. She had eyes that sparked fire at her enemies, yet melted his iced heart when she looked at him and smiled.
She was his goddess, and the feelings he felt for her were frightening yet comforted him at the same time. He had no real words for what he felt, being so foreign to anything other than pain and hate for most of his life. Yet, he had heard and seen others act foolishly in front of people they cared about. Perhaps this is what he felt.
"Hawke..." Fenris shook his head and started again after a deep breath. "Iris, I... I have no words to express what I feel for you. Nothing seems sufficient, yet the best I can say to you, is.... "
Fenris paused, swallowing his fear. He was no coward, yet why did he fear this moment so much?
"Iris, I love you."
Hawke's mouth fell open to hear those few words she yearned for him to say to her, yet never thought he would.
"I know..." He again started his pacing, seeming to become more frustrated. "I know I don't deserve you. I am a slave, hunted by unknown enemies. I am haunted by forgotten memories and pain so severe it leave me paralyzed. Yet whenever I look at you, whenever I touch you, it all seems to melt away."
Fenris stopped his pacing and dropped to his knees at her feet. He held her hands to his forehead, unsure of how to continue but having an overwhelming need to speak his heart to this woman who touched him so much.
"You are a goddess to me. Intelligent, compassionate, beyond beautiful, you are everything I have ever wanted in a woman. I do not deserve you, and I know I shamed you in my need for comfort when I came to you that night."
"Even given that, that isn't the only reason I ran. When you touched me, the pain went away. When you kissed me, I felt happier than I have ever been. And when we made love, I have never felt more complete. May the Maker forgive me for my arrogance and my stupidity, but I was a coward and ran away when I felt these foreign emotions. And afterward, I convinced myself you were better off without me, that our night together was best left forgotten for the shame I knew I must of brought on you."
"How dare a lowly slave touch a thing so exquisite as you, let alone think he could love such a goddess. Please, forgive me. If it is your will, send me from this house and you will never see me again. I will leave, you will never again be troubled by my presence. But know that I will always look out for you. I will protect you from afar, and I will never let harm come to you again."
Moments passed as Fenris remained at her feet on his knees. Neither spoke, and Fenris held his breath waiting for his banishment that he was sure to come. Hawke stood there motionless at his words. At his confession of not only how he felt for her, but for how he saw himself.
Coming out her stupor, she took Fenris' hands and helped pull him up to stand before her. Looking into his eyes, she was left breathless at the amount of love she finally saw there. Also, the fear that she would send him away. Taking his face in her hands, she leaned forward so that their noses barely touched.
"You stupid, stupid man!" Hawke uttered before she began to kiss him wildly. Fenris couldn't move at first, then as he felt her tongue press against his lips, begging entry, he wrapped his arms around her and returned this kiss with just as much passion and need.
Growling at how good she tasted and felt against him, he could hardly believe she accepted him.
Dear Maker, whatever had he done to deserve such a gift as the goddess in his arms!!
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Iridescence