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Evolving Feelings - Discovery II	By : Svein Category: +A through F > Bloody Roar Views: 1269 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Bloody Roar nor any of its characters, and I'm making no money off this fic.

Chapter List
- 1-Discovery II
- 2-Part 2
- 3-Part 3
- 4-Part 4
- 5-Part 5
- 6-Part 6
- 7-Part 7
- 8-Part 8
- 9-Part 9
- 10-Part 10
- 11-Part 11
- 12-Part 12
- 13-Epilogue
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When Yugo got out of the shower, there was no sign of the youngsters, so he didn't bother putting any clothes on. He desperately needed some time alone to cool down and think about what he had just learned. The boxer flopped onto the bed facing up and spread his arms and legs open wide over the king-sized bed. It was the single most expensive piece of furniture he had ever bought, and he had done it for Kenji. The first night after adopting the boy, Yugo had been forced to share his small bed, since Kenji would wake up screaming every few minutes if left alone. At the time, Yugo had almost panicked. Not knowing what to do, he did what his own mother used to when he was a kid: held him until he fell asleep. Looking back, it was a fond memory.
So, Kenji's gay. What the fuck's the problem with that? What the fuck indeed. Being gay was no weirder than being a zoanthrope or a trained killer, and Kenji was both. In fact, being a zoanthrope and a trained killer were much better reasons for concern. The more Yugo thought about it, the less it made sense. He couldn't understand why he was making such a big fuss over Kenji's sexuality, but the whole thing just didn't sit well with him. It was just too unexpected. Yugo didn't really have anything against Kenji being gay or gay people in general, but he felt confused and pissed off for no reason he could discern.
How could two men have sex anyway? Yugo had had anal sex a few times before with Alice, his ex-girlfriend, so it wasn't like he didn't know the physical sensation. However, the mere thought another man getting close to his ass in that way made him shudder. He just didn't understand how a guy could allow another guy to do that to him, much less have fun with it. In Yugo's mind, it seemed just so... un-masculine. I mean, men are meant to stick it in, not the other way around, right? But what if he were the top?
The man closed his eyes and tried to fantasize about himself "doing" some random guy he had seen on the cover of a sports magazine recently. He didn't even know if there was a point in doing that, he just wanted to find out if he could actually screw another man. He pictured himself holding the guy from behind and slowly inserting his dick in the hole, just like Alice had taught him to do with her. His mind had conveniently skipped the steps leading up to the sex itself. Then he pictured himself thrusting slowly at first, then increasing the tempo. At this point, Yugo started getting a slight response from down there and realized he wasn't as bothered by this fantasy as he thought he would. There was a strange feeling of detachment, though.
Yugo kept his eyes closed and tried to immerse himself some more. He pictured himself caressing the sportsman's strong arms, chest and six-pack from behind. As he did, he moved his hands over his own body to get some reference, feeling the shape, softness and curvature of the muscles. It was actually a nice sensation – not unlike touching a woman's breasts and legs, but somewhat different. His cock was kind of a slow riser, but it was responding, though not yet fully awake.
However, a corner of Yugo's mind was hesitant to continue – it was trying to reminding him that he was straight and that doing this kind of thing would make him unmanly. Yugo intuitively knew it for what it was: prejudice. Almost immediately, he started feeling guilty, because of what that statement implied about Kenji. Discriminating against his own brother was so contrary to Yugo's nature that his body itself revolted against the wrongness of it. He felt it as a wave of anger surging through every fiber of his being. His chest hurt with self-loathing. That was enough to kill the mood completely. Yugo took a few moments to breathe deeply and allow his emotions to settle down a bit. When he found himself able to think more clearly, he decided to forget about this little experiment and focus on practical matters. If Kenji was gay, the best Yugo could do was show his unconditional support.
********************
That very moment, Kenji and Himuro had just arrived at the goalkeeper's home. It was a standard Japanese salaryman-class house. Himuro's mother was a bit surprised because he hadn't told her he would be bringing a friend, but the goalkeeper quickly come up with an acceptable excuse, saying that it was a way of thanking Kenji for always helping him with his studies. Ah, so that's the excuse he's giving for spending so much time on my apartment, the boy thought. Kenji took note when Himuro introduced him as a friend. Trying to at least be considerate, Kenji dutifully helped her in the kitchen, which caused a really good impression. She complimented him a number of times on his cooking skills and his speed. He even helped to wash the plates. Kenji didn't have an opportunity to meet Himuro's father, as the man was working an extra shift that night. After dinner, Kenji and Himuro found themselves alone in the goalkeeper's room. There was a lot they wanted to talk about.
Kenji started: "I noticed you introduced me as a friend," he said in an accusatory note.
"Sorry, my parents are kinda conservative, they wouldn't take it well. We'll be entering our exam year soon, so I don't want to have something else to worry about at home. Besides, I don't want to cause my mom that kind of worry."
"Oh, alright. I think I understand."
"Yugo didn't take it very well, did he?"
"Better than I thought he would. I was sure I would have a broken jaw by now or something."
"Wow that sucks."
"Not really," Kenji shrugged. "And besides, I wanted him to know. I don't feel comfortable holding secrets at home."
"I wish I had that kind of courage," Himuro said with a sigh.
"You could tell your mother, you know. She seemed like a nice person, I'm sure she would get over it in no time and help to break the news to your father."
"To be honest, I was surprised you actually introduced me as your boyfriend."
"Well, aren't we?"
"I don't now... are we?"
"What do you mean?" Kenji demanded.
"Listen, Kenji..." Himuro sighed. "We've been going out for a month now. We talk nearly every day, but I feel like I know almost nothing about you! Sometimes I wonder if you only go after me for sex."
This accusation struck Kenji like a dagger, and the pain showed on his face before he could prevent it. What would Himuro think if Kenji told him he was a zoanthrope? How could he tell Himuro about his past? How would he ever be able to tell anyone that he had killed dozens of people and helped to kidnap many others for horrible experiments? At that moment, Kenji realized just how lonely his past would make him, and how much it hurt him. There was no-one he could share his life with, besides Yugo and a few others who had been part of that living hell in some way. It was too easy to hide it all, but it wasn't what Kenji wanted. He had been so happy these past couple of months. Even if it had started as a game of pretending, he managed to make real friends and even find a lover. But who would be able to accept his dark past? No-one! No matter how close he got to someone, there would always be a distance nobody would be able to cross.
Himuro realized he had hurt Kenji somehow. "Sorry, I've said too much."
"No, you're right. I'm the one who should apologize," Kenji said with a deep, formal bow. Himuro was surprised by how solemn Kenji sounded. However, in contrast with his serious tone, tears started trickling down his face, partially covered by the dark hair.
Still not getting up, Kenji continued. "I never intended to hurt you, but I guess I have." It was crystal clear that Kenji was in pain and trying to hide it, so the least Himuro could do was be considerate enough to give him some time alone.
"It's okay... I'll go outside to get us some drinks. Be back in a few," the goalkeeper said. When he returned with two glasses of juice, Kenji had recomposed himself and was seating on the ground with his back to the bed. His eyes were still a bit red, though.
"Thanks," Kenji said weakly, reaching for the offered glass. Himuro seated beside him at a respecting distance.
"No problem," Himuro said. "Hey, I'm sorry if I've said something bad. I just wanted to tell you how I feel, you know."
"I's not like you've said anything bad, it's just that... you've guessed everything right."
Himuro was a bit hurt by that. "So... is it true you only come to me for sex?"
Kenji just nodded, hugged his knees and hid his face between them.
"Oh, wow, that's just... it sucks."
"Sorry," Kenji said in a muffled voice, "I dared think of you as my boyfriend just because we had sex a few times. And I didn't even think about your feelings."
"Well, to be honest, I'd figured it out some time ago. Why else would you be so reserved? I mean, when you're seeing someone, it's natural to talk about yourself, right? Yet you never did with me, and you sometimes always changed the subject when I tried to get closer."
"It's not just you; I don't talk about myself to anyone. Maybe the only person who really knows me is my therapist." I don't think even Yugo knows me anymore. Maybe he never really knew me. Maybe even I didn't really know myself.
"Wow, that must be tough," Himuro said sympathetically. "But... you know... we can keep on having sex if you're okay with it," he finished a bit embarrassed.
Kenji looked up at him. "Aren't you mad at me?"
"Well, a little bit," he admitted. "But we still have a lot of time ahead to know each other, right? I mean, you're really shy, but I can wait until you're ready to let me see the real you. We're not boyfriends yet, but we can become."
Kenji shook his head. "Sorry, Himuro... It's not that I don't like you, it's just that I can't be the boyfriend you want."
"Why?"
"I just... can't." Sorry, I can't tell you.
"Do you already have someone else you like?" The goalkeeper asked, hoping to hear the answer that would tell him he still had a chance. At that moment, Kenji realized Himuro was right once again.
"I... yeah. But it's impossible." Kenji didn't know why he was confessing this, but he felt he owed Himuro at least this much truth.
"So you... used me as a substitute." Himuro said in disbelief. It was impossible not to note the undertones pain on his voice.
Kenji nodded in shame and hid his face between his knees once again. A long silence stretched between them. Finally, Himuro broke it with a sigh.
"You know what," the goalkeeper said, "I'm fine with it. I'll be the substitute."
Kenji looked at him in clear disbelief. "You can't do this!"
"I can," Himuro replied. "I've had a crush on you for over a year but didn't have the courage to approach you, and when I was about to lose hope you took the initiative to come after me. I'm sure as hell not wasting this chance. I'm patient, I'll become the lover you want and I'll make you fall for me!"
Kenji didn't know what to say. This fierceness reminded him of Yugo, and he smiled with irony despite himself. Himuro, however, saw that as a 'yes' and smiled back. He drew closer to Kenji, intent on kissing him, but, before he could, the boy put up an intervening hand.
"Before we begin, there's something I have to say," he started. "I don't know what kind of person you think I am, but I can guarantee you don't know me at all and probably never will. Do you still want to go ahead with this?" Kenji asked gravely.
"Yes," Himuro replied strongly.
"Alright, then I won't stop you. But later on don't say I didn't warn you." If you want to be used so much, then fine, I'll use you to your heart's desire, Kenji thought.
That night, they watched TV and talked about various things. Himuro wanted to know what Kenji thought about this or that, from schoolmates to television series and politics. Kenji replied with more honesty that he normally would, but when the goalkeeper asked about his past, he would feign hesitance and release only tidbits of the fake life story he had been using for so long. Himuro took those as small victories, and Kenji gloated on the inside. It was so easy to manipulate someone who didn't want to see the truth. He had never known feelings could be so dangerous.
Ever since he had recovered his memories and come to terms with them, Kenji's nightmares had stopped – something he had neglected to tell Yugo. That night, Himuro insisted Kenji slept with him on the bed, nuzzling affectionately and wrapping an arm over him. Still, sleep eluded Kenji for a long time. As the boy pretended to sleep, he realized he missed Yugo something terrible. At that moment, he also realized Himuro was nothing but an outlet for his sexual needs. Somewhere in his heart, Kenji knew this had to stop, but despite his early determination he now felt too weak to do it – much like an addict afraid to leave his drug. He couldn't imagine how much he would come to regret this decision.
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Evolving Feelings - Discovery II