Luka's Story | By : Ditmag Category: +M through R > Monster Girl Quest Views: 4827 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0 |
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Wandering the desert was just as much fun as the last time, which is to say, less fun than just about anything I could think of. We’d been out here for five days so far. Thankfully, two days before, we’d found a town that wasn’t having a crisis and resupplied. But now we were getting to the stretch of desert that was free of places to restock. I estimated that I had a week at most to find Gnome. If I wanted to call it quits and go home a free man, maybe three days. But if I got stuck out here in the desert and only Alice could save me…. Well, there was a price for that. I decided I was willing to pay it. Going back to a village that was probably doomed was pointless. At least if I went with Alice there was a chance I could see my real home again someday. Worst case, I lived in luxury feeding both of Alice’s stomachs for the rest of my life. It wasn’t the fate I wanted for myself, but it had its good points.
There was a third option of course, which I was also considering. Go back to Sabasa and marry Sara. All things considered, that was obviously the best of the options. If I was going to take it, I had to take it within three days. Once I passed that point of no return, it was find Gnome or be a slave. Or die out in the desert, an option which I rejected. Where there’s life, there are possibilities. Maybe it was my fate to be a slave for a time and create change from that position. I wasn’t sure if I really believed in fate, but on the day of decision, day 10 in the desert, I had made my decision: Gnome or bust.
Ailce didn’t complain about my decision or my inability to find Gnome quickly. She did complain about the heat and the sand. She wanted me to find Gnome, though. Maybe. I still wasn’t clear on that. But at least she wasn’t criticizing my choice of quest or my inability to find anything out in the desert. After all, it wasn’t my fault. There was no information on Gnome’s whereabouts beyond, “Somewhere in the vast desert.”
Early on the first day after the point of no return, day 11 in the desert, Sylph finally spoke up, saying Gnome was near. I informed Alice, who took the news with a neutral expression. I began to use Sylph as my compass to guide me in the right direction. In another hour we arrived at what looked like some ruins. Alice broke off a piece of one of the…. Well, I’m not sure what it was, some kind of monument perhaps? And licked it.
“This is about a thousand years old,” she said. “This is an animist monument. They probably worshipped Gnome.”
“Did you just… lick something and determine its age?” I asked. “Humans would have to use carbon dating for that. That’s very sophisticated! How many things can your tongue do?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” she teased. Okay, I set myself up for that one.
“Anyway, this is the place,” I said. “Even if Sylph hadn’t confirmed it, I can feel it too.”
“Really?” Alice said. “I don’t sense anything. You’re finally better than me at something other than cooking.”
“Supposedly she’s here, but I don’t see her,” I said, ignoring the usual from Alice.
“Gnome is cowardly, but she’s also very curious,” Alice noted. “If someone is looking for her, she’ll surely appear before them to find out why.”
“So, I guess I should just wander around in this general area?” I mused.
“You go ahead, I’m going to just rest here. Deserts are so unpleasant.”
I started wandering around randomly, calling out for Gnome. Sylph helpful ly joined me. Could Gnome hear Sylph calling from inside my mind? Just then, I saw something move in the periphery of my vision. I jerked my head in its direction, but didn’t catch another glimpse. Illusion? I never sensed anything in the wind.
The next step I took caused me to fall into a small depression. I started to climb out, but I just kept slipping further into it. It almost seemed like something I remembered from somewhere….. Yes, almost like an ant lion. I looked behind me. Sure enough, a monster girl was waiting at the bottom of the pit for her prey. I guess this must be an ant lion girl, I thought. As I was contemplating how to deal with the threat, realizing that underestimating it or choosing the wrong tactic could mean instant death, Sylph spoke in my head.
“We don’t have time for this crap!” she said. “Let me get you out of this!”
I guess they needed permission to act, as this wasn’t the first time she’d requested it. I gave it, of course. True to her word, a gust of wind lifted me out of the sand trap, thus saving me the trouble of tangling with the ant lion girl. Sylph was proving a useful ally!
“Thanks, Sylph,” I said gratefully. “I was a bit worried there about having to fight while sliding into a trap.”
“Don’t mention it, Luka!” she said cheerfully. “But I don’t think I’m going to be much help with that thing.”
That thing? I looked to my left and then my right and then I saw it. I had never imagined monster girls could be that huge. It was a giant desert worm of some sort. I wasn’t too surprised to see a giant monster body. After all, Alice was over 12 feet long. But her human part was normal sized. This thing’s human part must have been 30 feet long! And it’s worm portion at least twice that! How do I even fight this?
I realized that perhaps with Angel Halo size didn’t matter. The sword defeated enemies not by doing damage through its cuts, but by leeching out their power. Was power related to size? If so, I might be chopping at this thing for awhile. I sure hoped it was slow.
“Human,” she spoke down to me. “Let me suck on you.”
She sure spoke slowly. I was reminded how I’d just recently wanted to be inside a large mouth. Moral of the story, be careful what you wish for.
I attacked, using every special move I knew even before she was able to react. When I was done, she was still standing, although looking a little dazed. Or maybe she always looked that way? How much damage was I actually doing? Maybe I should try to run? No, this is where Gnome is and for all I know this could be how I prove my ability to her. So I had to win.
The sandworm girl finally got around to trying to catch me. She wasn’t very fast, but a mistake cost me. I was too busy paying attention to her hands trying to grab me and not enough attention to her face, which was zeroing in on me. Her hands were only trying to herd me towards her body where I’d be cornered. She was smarter than she looked, or else her species had evolved this strategy to catch prey. It worked on me. Her mouth just descended on me and before I knew it I was looking at a giant uvula, my feet and ankles the only thing outside her lips.
I was fully prepared to make a last ditch effort to seal from inside her stomach assuming she didn’t chew me to death, but she had actually meant what she said. She began sucking on me. It was even more amazing than I’d imagined it would be. It didn’t hurt that unlike the Sphinx, she had no teeth. She had a surprisingly skillful tongue as well, which removed my clothes. Now I was completely naked, being sucked wonderfully by a giantess. Great, now I’ve got yet another new fetish. I’ll never be normal again, I thought.
I tried struggling, but there was no chance. I had no leverage and was just as likely to slip down her throat as get out of her mouth. I stopped to think, or maybe I just wanted to enjoy the sensations. It’s hard to know in that situation just what your motivation is. It was a good thing I was getting stronger in that respect and could afford to just let her do that to me for a few seconds. Anyway, I still had my sword. Maybe I should try to use it?
I did, although with little leverage and no chance of directing my blows accurately I was sure I wasn’t doing much damage. She said something, maybe “Quit it!”? Hard to understand someone when you’re in their mouth. But the mouth is a pretty sensitive place, so someone swinging a sword around in there was not something she was able to tolerate for long. With an “Ouch.” She spit me out. I landed hard in the sand but was thankfully unhurt. I got up and went back to work, this time wary of her mode of attack. As I suspected, she didn’t have any other strategies. After what seemed like 50 blows with my sword, she finally said, more resignedly than truly upset,” Too many ouches.” And was sealed into the form of an earthworm.
I caught sight of whatever it was I had seen before. This time it allowed me to make eye contact. It was some kind of mud creature, almost doll like in appearance. “That’s Gnomey’s! She loves to make those mud dolls and play with them!” Sylph chimed in.
When I approached though, it ran behind a large sand dune. I followed, and standing alone, holding the mud doll behind that dune, was what appeared to be a small girl. I knew by now that what age a monster appeared to be could be deceiving. Sylph was ancient. I assumed all the spirits must be. I asked quickly in my head,” Sylph, how old are you, exactly?”
“I don’t know!” she said. “I think I’ve just always kinda been around. I’m immortal!”
So this probably was Gnome. I addressed the girl, “Excuse me, are you Gnome?”
The girl nodded. Hoping to do a better job of explaining why I was here than I had to Sylph, I said, “Um…. I’m here because I want to borrow your power.”
Suddenly Sylph was no longer in my head, but in front of me, appearing between me and Gnome. “Yay! Gnomey!” she exulted, delighted to see her old friend. “Hey, Gnomey, you should come with this human so we can play together.”
Gnome said nothing, yet Sylph must have heard something, because she responded. “I see… That’s true. You just met Luka, didn’t you?”
Sylph turned to me. “She wants to lend you her power, but she needs you to show her your abilities first. In other words, you need to beat her in a fight.”
I had expected this might be the case, although I was disappointed that the giant girl hadn’t been the test. Maybe a preliminary test?
Gnome just stood there clutching her doll. How could I take the first swing against a child holding a doll? She seemed to sense my hesitation, as suddenly the one doll became a dozen. They looked absolutely adorable. Until they opened their mouths in a silent battle roar and charged at me!
The dolls mobbed me and held me down. I expected to be molested, as even “nice” monster girls seemed to think that was okay, but instead they began tickling me, poking me with their fingers, pulling on my ears…. Being annoying rather than violent or lewd. With the help of Sylph’s wind power, I was able to shake them off with some effort, although one still clung to my leg and another to my back as I advanced on Gnome, who stood there unmoving. Thinking that the spirits’ idea of “fighting” might be closer to play, I decided to try what had worked with Sylph. I poked Gnome in the belly with my finger.
I didn’t get a giggle. Her expression didn’t change at all. It did get a response, though. She began focusing power. “Oh no!” Sylph said. “This isn’t good! Let me use my power!”
“Please do,” I directed, and good thing too, because a wall of sand rose up from the desert floor and looked like it was about to bury me. Had I misjudged what this fight was? But Sylph saved me. She formed a tornado that captured all the sand. She then directed it at Gnome. Gnome was sucked into the tornado and disappeared.
When the dust(and sand) settled, I couldn’t see Gnome anywhere. I frantically began looking around, hoping she wasn’t buried. I saw her hat in the sand. Digging through the sand, I managed to uncover Gnome and pull her out. She was unconscious, but breathing. I held her body in my arms for a few moments. Soon, she woke, her eyes staring into mine.
“Are you all right Gnome?” I asked. She nodded and held out her hand. I touched her hand, and she vanished, a warm light enveloping me. Power flowed through my body. I saw Gnome and Sylph in my mind.
Sylph was ecstatic. “Yay! Gnomey’s with me now!”
“Are you two good friends?” I asked.
“Yep!” Sylph replied. “We’re the best of friends!” Gnome’s only response was to swat her. Well, she was the reason Gnome was defeated. I don’t think I did anything, although in my defense I didn’t understand what kind of fight it was.
Alice appeared in front of me. “Hmmm… It looks like you’ve got Gnome’s power. The power of the earth is a lot more difficult to use than the wind. If you do it wrong, you may get crushed under your own power.”
“Two down, two to go,” I said.
“Sylph and Gnome have powerful magic but no combat experience,” she cautioned. “But it won’t be the same with Undine and Salamander. Undine is skilled, and Salamander is….”
I waited for her to finish. She didn’t. “is….” I motioned with my hand for her to continue.
“You’ll find out,” she said. “I don’t want to terrify you.”
“You don’t want to terrify me. Do you realize how terrifying it sounds when you say you don’t want to terrify me?”
“Don’t worry about it,” Alice said. “It’s not a big deal. It will probably be the kind of fight you’re not terrible at. So do you feel any different?”
“It’s not like Sylph,” I replied. “There doesn’t seem to be any immediate ability that I can recognize. But I do feel different. Hard to describe.”
“Gnomey only just went inside you Luka!” Sylph piped up. “Once she calms down a little, you’ll be able to use her power too! Isn’t that right, Gnomey?”
Gnomey swatted her again. I suddenly remembered that I’d once had a friend like that.
“So where to next?” Alice said.
“Noah is the next region, that’s where Undine is,” I said.
“Noah should have some interesting cuisine,” Alice observed. “Since I just know you’re going to get involved in all sorts of business you shouldn’t, be sure to make it up to me with lots of goodies.”
“Don’t worry, Alice,” I assured her. “No side quests. If I get involved in anything besides finding Undine, it will be because it fell on me.”
At last, we were out of the desert and back in more pleasant territory. It seemed like we’d been in the desert forever. If I added up the days, we had actually been there longer than the entire rest of journey combined. Now we were in blessedly greener territory.
I’d almost forgotten given all the drama, misery, and stress of being in the Safina region that I was also on a vacation of sorts, not just a straight mission to go find the remaining two spirits. Alice helpfully reminded me by referring to her travel guide. She strongly suggested, barely disguised as an order, that we should first go to Grand Noah Castle, where many interesting delicacies could be found. I recalled that this was also where the coliseum was. That got the gears turning. I was starting to run lower on gold than I had planned thanks to Alice’s spending, an issue which I still hadn’t brought up and wasn’t sure I ever would. Maybe there were cash prizes for winning matches at the coliseum. I was willing to bet I could beat any human opponent, so maybe I’d give it a try.
Alice was all in favor of my participating in the coliseum, first, to get some good training in a low stakes setting, and second, because she was willing to bet the concessions were delicious. I know I’ve written so much about Alice’s eating habits that I’ve failed to remind you that I too am a food lover and have been enjoying the edible parts of this little food tour we’ve been on. It’s just that my appetites pale in comparison to Alice’s. After another two weeks traveling in the heat, I also wondered about her other appetites. I didn’t think she’d give me more than ten minutes after a bath before she jumped me. She must be starving, although to her credit she never made me uncomfortable by constantly complaining about it the way she did about normal food. Her desire to fill the “other stomach” tended to pop up out of the blue and only when her intent to do so was imminent.
Alice spent a lot of time gazing at the traveling guide as we walked through the absolutely gorgeous terrain. Yamatai village also interested her with its unique food culture, which sounded really Japanese. How in the world did Japanese food, even the names, get imported to this world, where as far as I could tell, only the English language was spoken?
“Alice, do you speak any other languages besides English?”
“You’re speaking nonsense again.”
“I don’t understand,” I replied, confused. “How is that nonsense?”
“For starters, yes,” Alice answered. “ I speak other languages, a few monster tongues, but what’s English?”
“I…. guess it’s what I know the language we speak to be,” I answered, stumbling over the words.
“That is weird now that you mention it,” she said. “How you speak the human tongue perfectly.”
“The reason I asked was because this Yamatai has foods like tempura, sukiyaki, and sushi. Those foods exist on my world in a place called Japan. Those are Japanese words. That tells me that I’m not the first person from my world to end up here.”
“That is interesting!” she agreed. “Someone else who could cook must have come here. From this Japan place. But what does that have to do with other languages?”
“English and Japanese are different languages.”
“Are there monsters in Japan?” she asked.
“No, just humans who speak a different language,” I replied.
“Why would they do that? Don’t they have the same anatomy? What’s the point of a different language? That would just make it hard to communicate.”
“So humans all speak the same language here,” I mused. “Interesting. I guess I hadn’t thought about it much until now.”
“Humans speak human,” Alice said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Just like cat girls speak cat, dog girls speak dog, lamias speak lamia, kitsunes speak kitsune.”
“See, that word kitsune,” I said. “I think that word is Japanese. Japanese for fox, probably.”
“That makes no sense.”
“In any case,” I said. “Now I’m eager to see this Yamatai village. There might be evidence there of someone from my world. Maybe he or she founded the place.”
“I guess that is pretty interesting,” Alice admitted. “Given the impact you’re having on this world just by being here, any visitors from there are something the Monster Lord should know about. If what you say is true, that person certainly left his own mark.”
I heard hoofbeats approaching. Horseback riders? I looked to Alice. “Not human,” she said. “She’s not overly hostile or dangerous, but she’s in serious heat, I can smell it from here. One of those insatiable breeding types.”
“Should I give in to her then?” I asked.
Alice’s tail began to wave around menacingly. “No, you idiot! Seal her and it’ll cure her mating urges until next season. What is wrong with you, two weeks without release and you’re eager to hook up with the first wild monster that comes along?”
She vanished in a huff just before the monster arrived. This one I recognized. It was a centaur girl, a rather famous and common monster around these parts. Common mainly because of the insatiable breeding urges Alice spoke of.
The centaur approached me as if she was tweaked on something. “B… Boy? Could you help me? My pussy aches so much! I’ll let you pound it as long as you want.”
“Um…. I’d like to help,” I said apologetically. “But I have someone who would be very angry with me if I did that.”
“There’s no one else here,” the centaur girl pleaded. “No one would know!”
Alice had put me in a bit of a spot here. Had I been traveling alone I probably would have given the centaur girl what she wanted. These were well known monsters who weren’t known to harm humans. “I’m sure there are other travelers who can help-“
She wasn’t waiting any longer. She charged me and knocked me down. I felt something shift inside me. At first I thought it was a bone, but it was actually Gnome. She was nonverbally trying to get my attention. Did she want me to summon her power?
I complied. “Gnome, lend me your power!” Strength seemed to fill my body. I was already strong for a human, possibly stronger than nearly any human. Now I felt like was as strong as this centaur. We’d soon find out.
“I can’t wait any longer!” the centaur girl’s voice quavered. “You’re mating with me now whether you want to or not!”
She pinned me under her large horse body, so desperate that she was clumsily trying to remove my clothes with her hands and not doing a great job of it. Shirt ripped. Pants ripped. Typical of a horse, she was both strong and quick. Just a week ago I would have been mating with her at this point, but now I had Gnome’s power. I pushed her off of me with surprising ease.
I rose to my feet in my tattered clothes. “What are you?” she said in wonder. “No human is that strong!”
She looked like she was considering running, but she was gripped in a level of horniness no human could understand. She charged me again. Ready for it, I dodged this time and cut a swathe all along the side of her body.
That seemed to sober her up, if only slightly. She turned and faced me, this time trying to reason with me. “I get it, you want me to take it slower. You humans like to do other stuff before, right?”
She approached me. “Just let me touch it, okay? I can be gentle if you want.”
She reached out and touched my penis, then began to softly stroke it. Then she bent forward and gave me a surprisingly tender kiss on the lips. “See, I can make love like a human if you want. Just please mate with me! I can make it so good!”
She began to drop to her knees, all four of them. She was apparently going to start giving me head. Alice must be livid right now. I put my hands on the centaur girl’s shoulders and gently pushed her away. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”
The centaur girl rose and took a couple of steps back, her gaze fixed on something behind me. I turned. It was Alice, her arms folded, glaring daggers through the centaur girl. All of a sudden it was as if I wasn’t even there.
The centaur girl started to stammer. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know he was already spoken for. I’m just going to go now! Sorry!”
With that, she turned and galloped off with commendable speed. Alice wrapped me up in her tail. “Is that your idea of not giving in?!”
“Yes! She wasn’t trying to hurt me, so I wanted to see if I could reason with her! You saw me push her away! I’d almost reached her!”
Alice’s eyes were filled with rage. They had changed color in a way I found very disconcerting. Was that natural? But the rage subsided quickly, and she released me. “Fine. You should have just sealed her, but I’m starting to get used to your peace and love routine,” she said.
“Why would you want me to use more force than necessary on your cute little subordinates?” I asked.
“I don’t,” she replied, looking down. “I guess you did fine. You could have started talking her down before she kissed you. You just let that happen.”
I guess I had. I decided it was best not to use the “but it was the magic!” excuse. I may have had a defense, given that it was the best kiss I’d ever had. Heck, it was the first kiss I’d ever had from a monster, so it’s no surprise that I would be very susceptible to it! I knew that such an explanation would not satisfy Alice though. I was now certain that there was a lot more going on here than just an ego trip. She was definitely jealous. She had directly intervened to chase off a monster, something she had never done. What did that really mean though? Was she falling for me, or was she just possessive by nature? Should I be worried that I would never be allowed to part from her? I seemed to be a free man traveling around with her, but what if she’s made plans to kidnap me and make me her slave when this is over no matter what the outcome? Maybe I would have to fight her at the end of all this!
“Forget it,” she said. “I’m probably just being a little unreasonable because I’m so hungry, and if my hunger makes me that way, it’s understandable that you abstaining for two weeks has caused you problems as well. I’ll drain you when we get to an inn and then we’ll both be better off.”
Taking advantage of an opportunity to change the subject, I said, “So I used Gnome’s power. Did you see how I lifted her off me? She must have weighed 400 pounds!”
“That cow weighed at least 700,” Alice corrected me. “I sensed when you called Gnome. Very impressive. If we do ever encounter that crab girl again the result will be very different.”
I sure hoped so. She didn’t weigh as much but quantity of arms plus the sheer wideness of that shell made it quite a different proposition. If she was well anchored and had enough of me restrained I could lift two centaurs and still not be able to get out of her hold. It was an interesting problem to face against a relatively weak monster. The only real solution would be to not get pinned down in the first place. It felt quite ironic to me that my biggest worries in this world were how to beat Granberia, Alma Elma, and… a crab girl. I really should get her name, I thought. If only to honor the one who beat me. Seemed disrespectful to not know her name.
“Since Gnome’s power gives me more strength, that means I should have more hitting power too, shouldn’t it?” I asked.
“Once you’ve got a good handle on it,” she confirmed. “But be careful with that, you could hurt yourself or use too much force on your opponent. I don’t want you bashing one of my cute little subordinates’ head in. Anyway, it’s almost sunset. Why don’t we make camp here?”
“We can make it to the castle before midnight,” I pointed out. “I thought you were starving.” I didn’t mention that I was horny as hell, as always after a monster encounter.
“I am, but it’ll wait one more night,” she said. “You could use some training time. I let you get away with not doing it in the desert because we had to conserve water. I prefer to train you outdoors. At least the physical training. The other kind…. That’s for indoors. Now, make me dinner. If it’s good enough I might be able to forget how hungry I am for your semen.”
“You can have it right now if you like,” I offered.
“With two weeks of stink on you?” she said, disgusted. “What do you take me for, some random wild monster that would eat sperm off of a hippo’s butt? I’m the Monster Lord! I have standards!”
I set up camp and made my usual great meal. Since we were only a few hours away from resupply, I used most of what we had left so that Alice could really gorge. As usual, that put her in a fantastic mood. She even amused me with the most stupendous belch I’d ever heard. It was incredible to me how quickly her moods could change. I wasn’t complaining though, I could learn more about her when she was in moods like this. She became a bit more talkative.
“Is there any training to become the Monster Lord?” I asked her.
“My mother put Tamamo in charge of my education when I was a child,” she replied.
“You’re younger than Tamamo? Actually, how old are you? It can be so hard to tell with monsters.”
I’d guessed that since she didn’t consider 500 years a long time that she must be pretty ancient. I knew enough not to say that, and risk ruining her good mood.
“I’m 22,” she replied.
“That young! Wow.”
“Why is that surprising, I’m older than you!” she said.
“Maybe,” I conceded. “I don’t know how old I am. I could be 16, I could be 30.”
“You’re 20,” she replied matter of factly.
“How in the world could you---“
She gave her most mischevious smirk.
“You got that when you licked me, didn’t you?” I asked accusingly.
Her evil grin widened.
“Okay,” I said challengingly. “How many months?”
“I’m not that precise! Idiot.”
“How old is Tamamo?” I asked.
“No one knows,” Alice said. “She’s the oldest of the Heavenly Knights. She also taught my mother. Rumor has it she taught the last five Monster Lords. Anyway, enough chit chat. Time to train.”
The session seemed less like training and more like Alice was scouting me. She noted that I could only use one spirit’s power at a time. Trying to use Gnome while using Sylph caused me to lose control of the other. She assured me they could be used at the same time, I just had to work at it.
When the session was over, I went to bed, nice and tired. But before I slept, I had one more question. “Alice, how do you know so much about the spirits?”
“Oh, I guess since you aren’t part of that cult you might not know the details,” she responded. “Heinrich used the spirits to defeat Black Alice, the feared eighth Monster Lord.”
“So maybe I can beat the Four Heavenly Knights,” I said.
“You’re going to have to do more than just master the spirits,” Alice scolded. “Your mind is in so much turmoil. You really have no idea what you’re trying to accomplish. You still just let life happen to you. As if you’ll just accidentally stumble into the Four Heavenly Knights and beat them and then the world will be all sugar and rainbows. The two goals go together. If your mind is well ordered, you can master the spirits. I wasn’t just being snarky when I told you it didn’t require intelligence. It’s more about discipline and keeping your mind free of distractions. If you can do that, you can master the spirits and figure out what it is you’re trying to accomplish here.”
“I thought I was on a journey to see the world, learn things about myself, and try to find out why humans and monsters don’t get along,” I said.
“You’ve been doing that,” she conceded. “And plenty of other things. Did you think you’d get addicted to people praising you? Yet that seems to motivate most of what you do. It’s something you didn’t set out to do, but you’ve been spending most of your time doing it.”
She was right. I just didn’t know yet how to solve that problem. Or even if I wanted it solved. Then there was the problem we weren’t talking about yet: the nature of our relationship. I had planned to take this trip alone and develop no attachments along the way. Instead, I’d been traveling with the Monster Lord and developing complicated feelings towards her. Not being sure how she felt about me didn’t make it any easier.
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