3:88 | By : Imoshen Category: +A through F > Assassin's Creed Views: 12171 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1 |
Disclaimer: I do not own Assassin's Creed or any of its characters. I do not make any money by publishing this story. |
1:33 PM
Stop ignoring my calls.
2:48 PM
I need to see you.
5:21 PM
I just want to talk.
5:36 PM
Come on, I know you read all my messages.
5:38 PM
I won't stop texting you.
5:44 PM
Damn it Altair pick up your phone you fucking idiot!
5:46 PM
I didn't mean it like that.
5:47 PM
Just let me talk to you.
5:59 PM
If you don't want to see me anymore, fine I can understand. Just let me explain alright?
9:40 PM
Altair. Pick up.
1:23 AM
Please.
3:02AM
Okay. Then we'll do it like this.
3:03AM
If I'd say I'm sorry it won't even come close to how I feel about what'd happened.
3:04AM
You deserve more than just a sorry and I know there's probably nothing I could do for you to forgive me.
3:04AM
If I were you I think I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I've lost it, alright?
3:05AM
I know I've fucked up, I know I should have stopped.
3:06AM
I should have stopped before you had to tell me.
3:07AM
I really don't have an explanation for what happened. How it could happen... It scares me.
3:08AM
When I don't even know why I did this how can I be sure it won't happen again?
3:09AM
I need to figure this out...
3:42AM
Altair.
3:43AM
You're right.
3:44AM
Don't answer these texts although I think you probably won't anyway.
3:45AM
Don't call me.
3:46AM
I know you won't.
3:49AM
Until I can't figure this out I shouldn't be around you. I shouldn't do this until I know the reason for why I snapped.
3:51AM
I'm sorry.
3:52AM
Good bye.
He put the phone down and slumped back into bed, staring up the ceiling. His heart was beating strongly and his breath was shallow as if he was on the brink of a panic attack. Altair run his fingers through the mess he called hair and released the breath he hadn't been aware of holding it. He hadn't slept much these last couple of days and with his phone buzzing almost every hour with Malik's messages, he hadn't gotten much of it yet as well. He let go of a sigh of relief, but the tension in his chest which turned his stomach into a tight knot wouldn't go. For a brief second he thought Malik was toying with him again, playing one of his mind tricks on Altair in hopes it would make him answer Malik's messages. He wouldn't do it. Malik was right, he wouldn't call or text him. It was not like as if Altair hadn't thought about it, but every time he had picked up his phone, thinking about to message Malik he'd gotten physically ill. Every time he thought back about what'd happened, he had to gag and swallowed the bitter taste of bile back down.
He felt violated and he remembered Malik's words from their first meeting.
I've already broken you.
Altair shook his head. No. Back then Malik had be wrong but now, now he felt broken, more like an empty shell. There was nothing left of him and it still felt as if Malik held small pieces of his heart and he knew he would never get them back. Malik took this part from him and Altair wouldn't get it back. Because of this it felt worse than just a simple break up. And he wanted to hate Malik for it, wanted to let the ugly feeling of pure rage burning his insides but all which was really left now was the mind-numbing emptiness. This wasn't him, this wasn't Altair. When he got up in the morning and looked into the mirror he could barely recognize himself anymore – he had never wanted to turn into someone like this, had never wanted to turn into somebody feeling so desperate to hear a certain man's voice to feel his hands on his body the beating of his heart underneath his skin his laugh, smell, smile. Simply Malik.
For Altair it seemed like he had two very different memories of Malik. A man who knew what he wanted, who got Altair into trying things which he would have never thought to enjoy and who looked at him with those curious eyes. He never took his gaze off of him and watched Altair closely for his reactions when he touched, pressed, kissed and whipped Altair exactly where he needed it the most. And a man who stared at him with cold, merciless eyes and pushing pushing pushing Altair over the top and beyond his limits to reach his own pleasure from his sub's pain and misery, a man who didn't care – not at all, not one bit. Altair feared the second man, got sick by just thinking about him while he craved for the other, craved for him to tell him he did good while he took care of him.
He wondered just which one the real Malik was.
The question kept Altair awake at nights, thinking about if he ever really got to meet the real Malik. He wanted to believe it, yes, wanted to believe it was just a slip, nothing which would ever happen again – but he couldn't. If Malik couldn't even guarantee for it then maybe it really was better to not give into the temptation of contacting him again. Some part of him told him if he should call the man again he would lose; Altair would lose all respect for himself.
He laughed dryly as he turned onto his side, shoving one arm underneath his pillow and hugging it close to his body. If he would go back, he would feel like one of those women and men going back to their abusive significant other. He couldn't do this – if he had some of his pride still left, he would never see Malik ever again.
xxx
Weeks passed and it seemed as if Altair had found his way back into his old life but he knew all too well it was nothing more than a lie. He felt empty and just like the memory of a man he once used to be. He wondered what had happened to change that – Malik couldn't have such a strong impact on his life; he refused to believe, to accept that.
At first Altair had been lost. Then he'd felt hurt and that was probably the worst feeling he'd had to endure. The pain holding his heart in a constant grip, twisting and tearing it apart had been the worst, a reminder lasting 24 hours 7 days a week of what he'd had and what he'd lost. Then came the anger and Altair really was fucking angry. He'd felt physically ill with the rage burning underneath his veins and more than just one time he'd had snapped at Rauf or any other of his co-workers, yelled at them for no reason. Now came the emptiness and Altair had no idea how he was supposed to ever make it through this. It'd been six weeks. Six god damn long weeks since the last time he'd seen Malik and dear god, he missed him.
He missed the feeling of coming home whenever he looked at him, whenever he felt his hands on his skin, talked to him, watched him smile, smelled him, kissed him...
He had wanted to hate Malik for a very long time but now he simply couldn't – it didn't mean he wasn't still angry for what Malik had done. It didn't mean he wasn't hurt anymore. But it wasn't that simple. Hate just wasn't that simple. Altair had shared too much with him as if he could just hate Malik, as if he could just pretend nothing deep ever happened between the two of them. No. The worst thing about all this mess was that he still cared about Malik and he knew he shouldn't because Malik probably already had another sub by now. He'd probably forgotten about Altair and was already fucking somebody else... At least it was what Altair liked to think, liked to pretend.
He looked up when Rauf stood next to his desk, one steaming mug of coffee in his hand. “Stop it Altair”, he said softly and leaned with his hips against the smooth polished surface of his desk and Altair rubbed his face with both hands. “What?”, he asked and peered at Rauf from between his fingers
“Thinking too much. About him.”
Rauf knew. Of course he knew. He was one of the very few people who didn't get on Altair's nerves. He liked working with him and he found the other man funny and easy talking to although Altair would never admit that in front of Rauf – he wouldn't let go of it for weeks. He had witnessed how Altair had acted when he'd been with Malik and after he left Malik, Rauf had known something was wrong by just looking at him.
“I'm not”, Altair muttered and his hands fell from his face and landed in his lap.
“You are”, Rauf nodded and took a small sip of his coffee. Altair actually wouldn't call it coffee but rather brown water from how weak it was. “You didn't write a thing in the last 20 minutes.”
Altair's eyes turned onto his screen and there was only one letter blinking. “Writer's block”, he said and leaned back in his chair, stretching his back and his bones popped loudly. Rauf just rolled his eyes and strolled back to his own desk. “Yeah sure”, he told Altair and sat down heavily, placing his mug next to his keyboard.
Altair simply sent him a glare, then turned back to his screen and tried to come up with something but his brain just felt empty and drained from energy. His phone was buzzing and he pulled it out of his pocket, expecting Maria writing him. Ever since he'd had called her to meet him so he could make up his mind about Malik they've been writing occasionally.
It wasn't Maria.
3:17 PM
I need to see you.
Altair had deleted Malik's number from his contacts three weeks ago but he still remembered it. He stared for a few seconds on the screen, then saw Malik was writing again.
3:18 PM
Altair.
He put his phone back. This wasn't fair! This wasn't fucking fair, no! He couldn't do this to him, he couldn't-
Again he could feel his phone vibrating, close to his thigh. No. He wouldn't look at it, wouldn't give it another thought and yet, Altair couldn't deny the little spark of joy going through his body that Malik texted him. His fingers twitched and he was about to reach into his pocket but stopped.
“Altair?” It was Rauf and he turned slightly towards him.
“Mh?”
“Everything alright?”
“Yeah... why?” He tried to sound casual but Altair knew he wasn't the best actor. He was actually doing a pretty shitty job.
“Because it looks like as if you're sitting in an anthill. What's the matter?”, Rauf called from his desk.
“None of your business”, Altair snapped and he actually felt a tingling sensation underneath his skin as it took all of his willpower to not read the message he got.
“Oh I know that tone”, Rauf said and he pointed one finger at Altair. “You're only this snappy when it involves Malik. Did he text you?”
“No... Well. Maybe.”
“So? Delete it.”
“It's not that easy Rauf”, Altair sighed and simply put his flat palm on his desk so his fingers would stop twitching.
“What? How? You take out your phone, you go into your messages, you hit delete and-”
“Stop it. You know what I mean”, Altair said.
“No, I actually don't. I don't know what happened between the two of you to break things off but I know ever since you've started seeing him you've been miserable for most of the times, so... delete it”, Rauf hummed and made a small waving motion with his hand towards Altair.
“I wasn't miserable all the time”, Altair huffed, “I needed time to sort out some things and... I was angry at him a lot, yes but I was also angry at myself and I remember having good times with him and-”
“And you're about to get weak”, Rauf concluded.
“Maybe...”
“Don't text him.”
Altair rolled his eyes and tried to turn back to work, but his phone just kept on vibrating.
He hadn't been miserable all the time. When they went to watch Othello before... it had happened... that had been actually pretty nice.
xxxxx
“What, you're suddenly a gentleman?”, Altair huffed when Malik took his coat from him and handed it over to the young woman standing behind a counter and took them from him, handing Malik a plastic coin with a number on it for them to get their coats back later.
Malik snorted. “Don't act like a brat now”, he told Altair as they walked up the stairs to get to their seats.
“A brat? I'm not acting like a brat. I just say how it is. You're usually not doing stuff like that.”
“I'm usually not taking you the theater either”, Malik hummed and actually winked at Altair with a smile flashing across his face.
Altair took a step aside to avoid colliding with a woman, then returned to Malik's side and startled when he took his hand, lacing their fingers together. “What is it with you today?”, Altair asked in disbelieve, looking down their joined hands and then back up. “This- no”, he huffed and pulled his hand out of Malik's grip and the man just chuckled.
“You don't like holding hands?”
“What? Yes, no- I mean... you don't do that.”
Malik sighed, “Why do you keep telling me what I do and what I don't do?”
The had reached their row and made their way through to their seats, people standing up to let them pass. Once they sat Altair turned back to Malik. “I don't know – this is weird, alright?”, he muttered eventually and just sounded a little miserable.
“Why is it weird? Because you're on a date with a man? This isn't our first one you know?”, Malik smirked and made himself comfortable, placing one leg over the other and pulled out the small program, flipping through it.
“No it isn't but this... this is so-”
“Normal?”
“Public”, Altair made known and at that Malik rose one elegant eyebrow.
“Is it now?”, he hummed with small amusement and watched Altair frown. “A restaurant isn't public then?”
“That was different”, Altair quickly said and some color was rising to his cheeks.
“Different how?”, Malik kept on pondered and leaned a little closer, watching Altair's face with interest. “Mh?”
“I dunno...”, Altair huffed and pretended to be busy with looking at his nails.
“You're just freaking out because we haven't talked about sex the last thirty minutes”, Malik grinned and Altair hushed him. “Usually it all comes back to us talking about how you're going to kneel to my feet and-”
“Oh shut it already”, Altair hissed, looking around to see if anybody had heard them. No one did, people were busy getting to their seats. The light was already dimmed so Altair just assumed the play was about to start soon. “I don't want to ruin this”, he said after a short while. “This is actually rather nice you know? I've had no idea this side about you excisted.”
“Well”, Malik said and leaned back in his seat, chin resting on his palm, “there's much you don't know about me yet and I'm about to change that.” He leaned in closer, trying to kiss him but Altair turned his head away. “What's that?”, Malik asked in a quiet voice, one eyebrow cocked up. Then it dawned on him and his lips took the shape of a small 'o'. “Because we're both men.”
“I'm not used to this that's all”, Altair answered truthfully. It really wasn't. He'd been going from being totally straight to maybe-just-a-little-bi and having hard, fast sex with a man within just a few weeks... well, that's not true. He'd had sex with Malik within just a few hours. The things this man made him do – sometimes it simply blew his mind.
“I understand”, Malik told him and his voice grew soft. “It took me more than a year after I came out to actually do something in public.”
“Something?”
“Yeah, you know kissing, holding hands...”
Altair had to smile at this – holding hands... it seemed so very innocent compared to what he'd experienced with Malik so far. It was nice to know he enjoyed such 'vanilla' things as well.
“Have you always known you're gay?”, he asked after a short moment of silence. He was really curious. He still didn't know what he was and Altair honestly didn't want to categorize himself like that. He was who he was, no matter what society might call it and maybe thinking like that would help him to accept this side about himself.
“No”, Malik shook his head with a small smile playing around his lips, “I wasn't really interested in sex for a long time. I was a late bloomer”, he chuckled. “I've had a crush on my best friend but it took me a long time to figure out it wasn't just friendship I felt for him.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“Did you ever tell him?”, Altair pondered and leaned a little towards Malik.
Again, Malik shook his head. “No, not really. We've … experimented with each other if you know what I mean.”
“And that was when you realized you're gay?”
“Something like that, yes... I'll tell you another time”, he smiled and winked at Altair again.
The lights went off and a it got quiet, Malik turning his focus onto the stage in front of them, ready to enjoy the play and it was then when Altair sneaked his hand in between their bodies, reaching for Malik's. He squeezed back.
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