3:88 | By : Imoshen Category: +A through F > Assassin's Creed Views: 12171 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1 |
Disclaimer: I do not own Assassin's Creed or any of its characters. I do not make any money by publishing this story. |
It was too warm for January and Altair had his heater on low as he stepped out of his shower, drying his hair with a towel and just put on an old pair of sweats and a wide shirt. It was late the evening and he'd been out with Rauf. He had just returned and quickly jumped underneath the shower first to get rid of the smell of beer and cigarette smoke as well as cheap perfume. He'd often gone out with him lately and mostly because he just couldn't stand it to stay at home because every time he got the chance to be by himself and to think, his thoughts always turned back to Malik.
He had wanted to forget about him, had wanted to hate him but every time he tried, the good memories he had of him pushed their way back into his heart, piercing it.
He was about to crash on his couch and watch some TV, maybe to drink a beer straight from the bottle. He let his towel drop to the ground, he could get to it in the morning as right now he simply was too lazy as if to care. Altair was making his way towards his fridge when the door bell destroyed his plans and he frowned. He wasn't expecting somebody and for a moment he thought it was Rauf again – it wouldn't be the first time for him to simply show up at Altair's place once more after saying his farewells and claiming he was in no condition to go home, the damn elevator's button was mocking him and changing its position so he wasn't able to hit it damn it!
“Let me guess, it's the elevator again and-” As he opened the door, the words on his tongue dried out and he swallowed heavily.
“What are you doing here?” Altair was about to close the door once he saw who was disturbing him late the night on a weekend. He wasn't in the mood to see him, he wasn't in the mood to deal with it. Right now Malik could just go and fuck himself.
“I came to talk.” Malik put his foot into the door so Altair wasn't able to close it.
“So it took you almost two months to work up the courage to come here?” Altair swallowed thickly. Just seeing Malik brought back everything he'd tried to bury and forget about the last couple of weeks. He just really wanted to forget but how could he? This was Malik he was taking about. The man was already underneath his skin and Altair knew he couldn't get away from him so easily.
Malik nodded. “Are you going to let me in or not?”
“No”, Altair told him eventually. His voice was thin, almost broken and he fought hard to keep his act together.
“Altair... please. Just- just let me explain alright?”
He wasn't sure if he wanted Malik to. He'd betrayed him – hadn't he? He didn't stop when Altair told him to, how could he still trust him after that? He was just too scared as if he could let Malik explain himself, he feared the man would coax him into trusting him again only to betray it once more. “I don't see why you should. We're done. Nothing you say will change that.”
“I know”, Malik said quickly. “I know but- I- please. Okay? I think if I do you might feel better.”
Altair snorted. “You mean it's going to make you feel better – right? Fuck you Malik, just leave me.” He was about to close the door again.
“You're feeling just as miserable without me as I feel miserable without you”, Malik told him, his voice confident and clear and Altair stopped his movements. He felt miserable? Well he should! He could feel miserable for the rest of his life, Altair couldn't care less.
“Malik just don't. Just go home please...” He whispered the last part and he hated himself for how pitiful, how broken he sounded. He didn't want to show Malik just how hurt he was and he felt tears rising again and swallowed them back down but they kept coming back again and again. Malik must have seen because his eyes softened and he actually looked incredible lost.
He wanted to punch him. He wanted to punch him for how he looked at Altair as if he actually understood how he was feeling, as if he could make it better, as- “Stop it. Malik. I'll kick you in the nuts, fucking stop.”
“I won't go. Not until you let me explain.”
“Oh so you're going to ignore once more what I want? I want you to leave.”
“No”, Malik told him again and he took a step closer. He was almost in Altair's apartment with one foot.
“Go, just go.”
Malik still came closer.
“I can't, not until you let me explain.”
“I'm going to kick you're ass if you come closer-”
Malik pushed Altair's door open and made to step inside and he rose his closed fist, aiming for Malik's nose but he quickly dodged Altair's blow, grabbing his wrist instead and twisted it behind his back while he pushed him inside his apartment, kicking the door shut behind him and pressing Altair chest first against the wall. “Let me go you fucker”, he hissed and tried to kick at Malik but it was no use from this angle. All it did was for Malik to increase his hold he had of Altair and he thought his arm was about to snap.
“I know you're angry at me – you're probably beyond angry, fucking furious with me, I know okay? I know you hate me, I know you never want to see me again and I know no matter what I do it's not going to make it alright what I did to you.”
“Then why did you do it?”, Altair snapped at him.
“I didn't know my limits.”
Altair blinked. He didn't understand any of this and for a moment he wondered if he even wanted to. “Let me go”, he said again though this time his words didn't held much force and Malik did, his fingers slowly slipping from Altair's wrist until he could turn around, back touching the wall behind him and they both were standing so close they almost breathed the same air.
“Let me explain”, Malik said again, pleading.
Altair glared at him for a very long moment, his nostrils flaring underneath heavy breaths. “Five minutes”, was all he said and watched how Malik took a deep breath, searching his gaze and holding it.
“Altair I'm... not into this 'Bad-Boy-Game' - punishing without real reason. Punishment is an actual act of discipline for me when it comes to BDSM, this is why I choose things I do not enjoy - it is a way to remind me I also have to work harder, not just my sub. On our first night I chose something I would enjoy to ease you into the role of a sub, it softens the crash you could say. I don't want to stain an experience I enjoy by making it a punishment.” Malik slowly licked across his dry lips.
“I like to achieve things, I like to set goals for me and my sub to reach. If I would hit you with a cane today I assure you, you wouldn't be able to stand more than ten leashes. But if we would work on it, maybe next week you'd be able to tolerate fifteen. Not only would you feel proud but I as well. I... I've wanted to push you back then, I thought you could do this. I didn't do it because I like seeing you suffering.” Malik cleared his throat. “I mean I do like that but not because I'm cruel but because of what I've just told you. I didn't know my own limits... seems like you're not the only one who has to accept his own boundaries”, he admitted in a soft voice and to say Altair was stunned would be an understatement. He wouldn't have thought to hear an explanation like that.
“I couldn't admit to that at first. I've wanted to turn it around and blame it on you so you wouldn't see I'm not that perfect. You're new to this, I'm not. I should have known better, I should have kept myself under control better than that. But I didn't have the courage to admit to my own faults.”
“Why are you telling me this?”, Altair whispered, eyes narrowed as he kept searching for the lie in Malik's gaze, wanted to believe it wasn't true, that nothing of it was true but he couldn't. He wasn't able to find anything but the truth in Malik's look and it hurt even more.
“Because I needed you to know. You're right when you call me selfish. Yes, I've hoped I'd feel better after telling you but I don't, if anything it makes it worse to hear the words I've been thinking about all these weeks.”
Altair finally found the strength to push himself off the wall, taking a step around Malik and walking into this kitchen. He didn't say a word while he did so but simply pulled his fridge open, got a bottle of beer and opened it with a loud plop and hissing sound. He leaned back against the kitchen's counter, staring down at the bottle in his hand. He placed it aside only a second later without even taking a sip. “You're so wrong”, Altair said eventually and he felt like as if something was ripping him apart, the ghosts of his hunted memories gripping each of his arms and legs and pulling him into all directions.
“Wrong about what?”, Malik pondered. He still hadn't moved, had just turn around so he could face Altair.
“I don't hate you...”, and he could almost feel the breath of relief Malik let go. He looked sharply up then. “I don't hate you and that's actually the worst of all because I want to hate you. I want to hate you so much but I simply can't”, he said eventually and he felt so defeated at that moment as if he had lost a battle he was never meant to win.
“I don't want you to hate me.”
Again, Altair looked up and he grabbed his beer again but simply held it in his hand – he needed something to hold onto as the room started spinning.
He watched how Malik took a deep breath, looking down at his hands. “I want your forgiveness.”
Altair thought for a long time and remembered something Rauf had told him a while ago.
“Sometimes, people make the wrong decisions, they hurt you so badly and you can't imagine to ever forgive them. But sometimes, forgiveness can be the key to a broken heart and help healing it. I'm just saying Altair... if the time is right, hear what your heart tells you. Hate is just as a strong feeling as love but in the end it consumes you and leaves nothing else behind.”
“What about what I want?”, he whispered eventually and his eyes met Malik's. “When will it ever be about what I the fuck want?”
“What do you want then?”, Malik pondered carefully and Altair could tell he was choosing his words very carefully.
“I don't want any of this”, and Malik nodded. “I understand”, he said but Altair held up his hand.
“No you don't. I don't want this”, he said again and sighed when he saw the confused look on Malik's face. “I want to trust you again”, Altair went on, “I really do. I don't want to spend my weekends alone or in some shabby bar with Rauf, hitting on girls I don't even find attractive. I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to be miserable all the time, I don't want to think about you and feel like as if somebody's crushing my chest.” Altair sighed heavily and wiped his face with one hand, looking up the ceiling and puffed his cheeks, then slowly released the air. “I want this to work”, he whispered then, “but how can it work when I can't trust you?”
He looked back at Malik when he heard the rustling of fabric and watched how he slowly sat one foot in front of the other, slowly crossing the distance between them until he stood with Altair in his small kitchen unit. He was so close now Altair could smell his cologne. He had missed it.
“We want the same things”, he told him in a low rumble of his voice. “Don't you think we could make it work then? I can't offer you any prove that it's worth for you to trust me again. I can't- I can't say anything which will make you trust me again just like that.” He flicked his fingers. “I did a mistake, I did the wrong thing – and I know the consequences of that. It doesn't mean I'm evil Altair”, he said softly, “or that I can't be trusted ever again. It means I'm human and I now know I've tried hard to hide that fact”, he chuckled softly, uncertainly and took a step closer still, their chests almost touching and Altair looked down at his kitchen's floor.
“Altair”, Malik said again, “do you want to trust me again?”
“Yes”, he breathed and startled when Malik cupped his cheek but didn't do anything to stop him but blinked up at him since Malik was actually taller when Altair was leaning against the kitchen's counter.
“Do you want this to work?”
“Yes”, Altair said again and his eyes moved back and forth between Malik's gaze and lips.
“We can make this work”, Malik muttered and Altair nodded, his tongue feeling just too heavy as if he could speak and then Malik kissed him, just like that.
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