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Free as a Bird	By : Letticiae Category: +A through F > Dragon Age (all) > Dragon Age (all) Views: 9737 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age, nor do I own the characters. I do not make money/profit from writing this fanfiction.

Chapter List
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Leandra entered Hawke's room and closed the door behind her.
"Marian, I need to talk to you."
"Of course, Mother." Hawke knew this was coming. She was surprised Leandra had actually welcomed her home instead of crying and blaming her for what had happened to Bethany.
"Since you were arrested we haven't gotten a single invitation for the other nobles' parties. Even the Arenbergs, who live right next to us, had a banquet last month and didn't invite me. I don't know what to do. How am I supposed to find you a husband now that you've been in jail?" the older woman said in exasperation.
Hawke swallowed hard and buried her face in her palms. If that was what her mother was worrying about, she probably didn't know about… "What did Aveline tell you I was in jail for?"
"For killing a templar. She said it was self-defense and that you did the right thing. But when I asked why a templar would attack you, she only said there was some trouble in the Gallows and things had gotten out of hand. That Knight-Captain… I never trusted him. Did he turn on you and decided to arrest you for harboring an apostate? Is that what really happened?"
"No, but you were right. I should never have trusted him," Hawke admitted. "Did Aveline say anything about Bethany?"
"She said she was fine. Why? Did she have anything to do with this?"
Hawke felt nauseated. She would have to tell Leandra what had happened. She could not imagine a harder conversation than that. She beckoned her mother to sit by her side on the bed and then she told her everything.
"No, Maker, please, no! My little girl!" the older woman kept repeating between desperate and pained sobs.
"I'm so sorry, Mother," Hawke whispered quietly. She tried to hold Leandra, to calm her, but the woman got up abruptly and stood in front of her crestfallen daughter.
"How could you take her back to that place? This is your fault! Was that templar worth this?" her mother yelled.
When they had gotten back from the Vimmark Mountains, Bethany had spent the whole night holding her mother and explaining to her that she had decided to go back to the Gallows so they wouldn't have to be on the run again. Hawke had told Leandra the same thing many times over. But there was no point dwelling on that now. It would change nothing and it wouldn't make her mother feel any better.
Hawke had never seen Leandra so angry and hurt, not even when Carver had died. Was there anything in the world she could say to sooth that pain? "Mother, I –"
A slap across the face interrupted her. She wasn't expecting it. Her mother had never hit her before. Hawke inhaled sharply, but did not move. She didn't even raise her hand to touch her cheek. Her mother had slapped her and she just took it silently and with her eyes cast downwards. Physically, it didn't hurt. Not even a bit. Not physically, anyway.
Sobbing, Leandra stormed out of her daughter's room.
Hawke waited until she heard the door to her mother's bedroom closing and then went downstairs to grab a bottle of whiskey. She just couldn't torture herself over what had happened to Bethany anymore. She didn't have the energy to do it. She didn't even have any tears left to shed. Right at that moment she would take just anything that would give her a break on the guilt and sorrow. Drinking herself into a stupor seemed like the easiest option.
Sitting alone in her bedroom, she caught herself wishing she had someone to share her bed with. Someone to hold her and console her and help her get over all this mess… Was she asking for too much? How come she had always been alone at the worst moments of her life? When Malcolm, Arthur and Carver had died, when Bethany was taken to the Circle and then tortured Hawke always had to be the who took care of everything and everyone. She had always been the one to carry whatever burden there was to be carried. She was always the one who to be strong for the others. Every time Leandra needed someone to blame, Hawke was there to quietly take it. She was always there for everyone but no one was ever there for her. There were times when she couldn't hold anyone anymore; she needed to be held instead. This was one of those times and again she was alone.

Hawke and Fenris arrived together at the celebration Varric was having for her at the Hanged Man that weekend, but sat down further from each other as possible so the others wouldn't suspect anything was going on between them. To have her friends meddling in their affair before it had even really started was a good way to make it never actually happen.
She was grateful to whoever had had the idea for this party. The distraction was very much needed and any excuse for her to get out of her house was welcome. Maybe something good would happen this night. Who knew? She could only hope…
Anders hastily took the place by her side. "Things just keep getting worse. I had templars practically on my doorstep the other night," he grumbled.
She had no right to any distractions, so it seemed. "Are they hunting you?" she asked, worried. Her thoughts were already spiraling out of control. After what had happened to Bethany the very mention of the word "templar" would get her on her toes. Cullen had promised her he wouldn't tell anyone about the healer, but he had also promised he would keep her sister safe but he didn't. So many lies and empty promises… He was definitely not to be trusted. To think she had spent almost two years with him! How could she have been so stupid?
Anders noticed the sudden distressed look on her face and hastily explained, "Not me specifically. They were just checking the refugee camps. But it's not like my clinic is a secret. It's only a matter of time… Knight-Commander Meredith and her curfews and midnight raids on mages' families are forcing everyone I know into hiding so they won't be made Tranquil."
"They already have my sister. I won't let them have you. They would have to go through me," she said decisively.
"What happened to Bethany… and then you in that prison… Justice doesn't know how to sit idle until the right moment to strike. And I can't say I have any greater patience. I wish I were there with you when you stormed the Gallows to kill Ser Karras. You did right, Hawke. I would have done the same. Or worse… You know, I wouldn't hesitate drowning us in blood to keep you safe."
"Awww, that is soooo romantic!" Isabela exclaimed mockingly.
Anders huffed, annoyed at the pirate's tone and interruption.
"I don't know, Rivaini. If this were any other woman, I'd tell him to try flowers and dinner first, but Hawke… she probably thinks this drowning in blood shit is the most romantic thing she has ever heard," the dwarf said with a chuckle. "Come on, Hawke. Tell me I'm wrong," he teased.
All her companions stared at her, curiously waiting for her answer. She looked down, embarrassed. Hell, how fucked up she must be to really find that romantic? "Well…" she started, a sheepish smile on her face.
Aveline rolled her eyes and shook her head. Sebastian looked at her in disbelief. But suddenly all eyes turned to Fenris, who was emptying his tankard of ale in one gulp. He slammed it on the table and stormed out of Varric's suite.
Hawke decided she didn't care what her friends would think. She hastily got up on her feet, grabbed her coat and went after him.
Once out of the tavern, there was no sign of him. How could he have disappeared so fast? She remembered how he used to follow her – rooftops. Now that she knew where to look, she easily spotted him. He was not far from the Hanged Man and she rushed not to lose sight of him again. She was about to call his name when she felt someone grab her arm. She turned around to find Anders and Sebastian with worried looks on their faces.
"Are you mad, running off alone like this? It's not safe out here at night," the mage scolded her.
"I can take care of myself, Anders," she replied, freeing her arm from his grasp.
"It's been just a few days since you started practicing again," he argued.
"He's right, Hawke. Why take any chances?" the prince added.
She ignored them and looked around. Fenris was nowhere to be seen. "Shit!" she grumbled.
As if on cue, a group of thugs started creeping out of the corners around them. To make matters worse, they had mabaris too.
Anders quickly cast Heroic Aura upon him and his allies and enveloped them in barriers. They assumed defensive stances, with their backs to each other as the enemies surrounded them.
"They have a mage. Get him first," one of the thugs shouted.
Hawke immediately stepped in front of Anders and Sebastian rained arrows upon the incoming foes as the battle began. They were not used to fighting dogs and it proved to be much harder than they thought. Even wounded and bleeding the mabaris kept charging, relentless as ever.
Suddenly Fenris jumped in the fray. His bright lyrium ghost form attracted the enemies' attention which gave the rogues and the mage room to breathe. Anders extended his defensive spells to the elf and unleashed a firestorm. Sebastian sent a merciful hail of arrows to finish the already burning and screaming enemies while Hawke went after the ones that had escaped the attack, ending them with backstabs and explosive strikes. The Dog Lords were all dead, but there were still mabaris alive and fighting.
She heard Anders shout. A dog had pinned him on the ground, its teeth closed around his staff that he was holding in front of him for protection. Hawke reached them and ran a dagger through the hound's neck, spraying blood everywhere. The battle was over.
Anders pushed the mabari's body away from him and sat up to drink a lyrium potion.
Panting heavily, Hawke sat down by his side.
"Thank you," he told her with a smile. "Do you need healing?"
"Recover your mana first," she replied.
Sebastian and Fenris gathered around them. "We should not linger here," the elf said.
The archer offered a hand to help her up and she took it. Then she did the same for the mage. He got up and showered the four of them with healing magic.
Hawke look around at the many bodies of the gang they had just taken down. They were such a good team – Sebastian, Fenris, Anders and her. She wished the three men would get along better. The four of them could all go camping in the Wounded Coast some time… It would be just the distraction she needed… okay, now her mind was trailing off to a very naughty place.
"Why are you looking at us like that?" Fenris asked her.
"Like what?" Damn! Was it possible they noticed something? My loneliness is getting the best of me…
"You had this silly crooked smile on your face," Anders said.
"It's nothing. It was great fighting at your side, gentlemen. I should go home now," she changed the subject.
The three men offered to accompany her there and she was grateful. She didn't want to be alone.
"Sure, let's go," she agreed and started walking.
They didn't move, just stood there staring at her.
Oh, right! Apparently, she would have to choose one. She couldn't have them all. Life could be so unfair… "Thank you, Anders, Sebastian. I'll go with Fenris; he… hmm… lives closer to my place." Really? That was her criteria to choose him? The elf must be so pissed at her right now…
Once it was just the two of them making their way to Hightown, he asked angrily, "Why did you come after me?"
"Because you were upset –"
"Upset? Upset doesn't even begin to describe what I am feeling, Hawke. That abomination, he is dangerous! You say the templars would have to go through you to get him, well, they just might. You feel guilty about what happened to your sister and you think putting yourself in harm's way for another mage will make up for that somehow? It won't. What happened to Bethany is not your fault and your willingness to sacrifice yourself for that abomination won't change anything," he lashed out furiously.
Hawke stared at him in dismay. The nerve of that elf! He was a mere inch taller than her, but she was feeling as if she were much shorter now. "This is none of your business. How dare you?"
"It became my business when you kissed me," he spat.
"YOU kissed me!" she retorted.
"You… teased me! Venehdis, woman! This is not the point!" he replied, frustrated and took a deep breath so he could continue more calmly. "This… you… became my business before that. The way you make me feel, Hawke, I… I have never felt like this before. I do not understand this. I do not know how to deal with it."
Okay, now she understood him, but it didn't mean she wasn't infuriated anymore. "Just because you're jealous it doesn't give you the right to talk to me like this."
"This is driving me mad, Hawke. Who is it you want? Is it the abomination? Is it the prince? Or is it me?"
It was him. The only moments she hadn't felt utterly miserable and lonely in jail were when the warrior had come for his reading lesson. He would always sit by her side and hold her hand in his. Sometimes he would stroke her cheek or gently tuck a lock of hair behind her ear and those little gestures of affection had helped her not to lose her mind in that horrible place. Apart from the day she was sick, that was the most anyone touched her while she was in prison. All her friends had spent time with her there, of course, but with Fenris it had been different and now she wanted to go all the way with him. She wanted to find out what it was that had made her feel drawn to him at first sight.
"It's you, Fenris," she stated.
They halted at her doorstep, facing each other.
"Because I live closer to your estate?" he asked in a spiteful tone.
Okay, don't get mad at him. You deserved that, she reminded herself, taking a deep, calming breath. "Look, I don't know what it is; I just know that even disagreeing with you feels good. And we disagree all the time. We should hate each other, but yet I keep finding myself at your door and you keep following me around. I admire you, Fenris. You're smart and brave and handsome and… Do you want to come in?"
The anger was gone from his eyes, replaced by uncertainty. Yes, he wanted to come in. He wanted to kiss her and touch her and undress her… "I… don't know," he replied. He was afraid he wouldn't know how to treat her as she deserved, that he wouldn't know what to do and how to do it. Undressing, intimacy, sex… he could only relate these things to pain and humiliation. Danarius was so proud of the work he had done, carving those markings on his "little wolf". The magister loved to show his favorite pet off to his guests. And then there were things Danarius would force him to do that made him feel disgusted and ashamed and loathe himself…
Hawke noticed the angst that took over his elegant elven features. She knew she couldn't rush this, no matter how much she wanted, needed actually, to feel close to someone again. Fenris was a handsome man and it was obvious his master would have taken advantage of that. Tevinter magisters were known for their depravities and from what she had gathered about Danarius, he seemed to be an especially degenerate, vile one.
"Just for a drink, perhaps?" She held his hand in hers and squeezed it, encouraging him.
He nodded and followed her inside. The house was dark and silent. Everyone seemed to be asleep, except for Garrus, who happily greeted them at door.
"There's something I want to show you. I think you're going to like it," she said, a roguish grin on her face. Still holding his hand, her fingers now laced with his, she guided him through a narrow hallway and then down a flight of stairs.
She lit two lamps, handing him one and holding the other in front of her. Down a few more steps and she went through a door. "Here it is," she said. "Pick anything you like."
He raised his lamp in front of him to see an ample room, with dusty wine bottles piled up from the ground to the ceiling. His eyes widened and his lips curled into an amused half-smile. He began exploring the Amell cellars. There were other rooms after that first large one, with more bottles and barrels and other kinds of liquor too. He recognized the labels on many of the bottles and, thanks to Hawke, he could even read the words on them.
She let him take his time perusing the bottles, listening to his comments about the best vintages and most renowned producers. His mood had improved greatly since the night had started and she was enjoying seeing him more relaxed and lighthearted.
"Gamlen had lost the estate to slavers. You'd think they would have drunk everything in here, but they hadn't. They had drained practically all the barrels, but most of the bottles were intact. The best stuff is still here. And I've been adding some stronger spirits on Aveline's advice. I'll gladly buy more wine too if you have any to recommend me," she said.
"You should get a table down here," he suggested.
"I should," she sighed. And then I would have you take me right over it, she added in thought and had to hold back a chuckle. Her subconscious was starting to sound disturbingly like Isabela. She had been without sex for longer than six, seven months like she was now, but she didn't think she had ever been this… horny? Needy? Lonely? Maybe she had gotten used to having a man on her bed after being with Cullen for almost two years. And then when she needed him the most he betrayed her…
"You don't have any Tevinter wine. Most are from Orlais and some from Antiva," Fenris remarked, interrupting her thoughts.
"Are those not to your tastes? I can buy Tevinter wine if you'd recommend any," she said.
"No. Orlais makes the best wines in Thedas. You do not want to buy any from Tevinter," he replied.
"Why not? You drink it all the time and you seem to like it."
"I drink it because it's already there. It might taste good, but I would never buy it."
"Why not?" she insisted.
"Tevinter wine is made of the blood and tears of slaves," he uttered.
"I hope you are exaggerating," she said in a playful tone. Or is he? The Imperium is so twisted you can expect just anything from them… She couldn't help but snort and shake her head at that thought.
He didn't register, his attention completely devoted to a certain bottle he was gingerly removing from the stack. "Can I really pick anything?" he asked, licking his lips, a flicker of excitement lighting up his eyes.
"Sure. Is this it?" She pointed to the dusty bottle in his hands.
"It is."
"Let's go upstairs and open it then."

Fenris uncorked the bottle while Hawke picked up the wine glasses and they sat side by side on the couch in front of the lit hearth. Garrus slumped idly on their feet.
"Château Pétrus is a legendary wine. The production is very small and each bottle is worth a fortune. They are not easy to find. This one is forty years old. Most wines would have gone bad at this age, but not this. This will be just perfect," the elf explained as he removed his gauntlets and filled their glasses by only a third.
Entranced by his deep, husky voice and his passion for the subject, she watched intently as he taught her how to best savor a wine this valuable.
Following his lead, she stirred the dark crimson liquid in her glass and brought it closer to her nose so she could better perceive its aromas. She expected it to be fruity like all red wine she had ever drunk. Instead its scent was floral, with a slight hint of tar and…
"Mushrooms," Fenris helped her identify the curious scent.
"Exactly," she grinned brightly and they raised their glasses for a toast.
"To your freedom," he said.
"To ours," she replied.
At that, he smiled. Not a half-smile. Not a smirk. An actual full smile. A genuine one. The kind that showed his teeth and all. He was… beaming. It was the first time she saw that look on his face. It was a beautiful, breath-taking sight and it made her heart skip a beat.
She realized there was only one thing she wanted more right now than to just go ahead and drink that oh so valuable wine and that was to kiss him.
He had never had the chance to drink a wine this precious and had been anxious to do it since the moment he had laid eyes on the bottle, but right now, the way she was looking at him… he realized there was nothing he wanted more than to kiss her.
And that was just what they did. They both tasted like the cheap ale they had been drinking at the Hanged Man. For them, right at that moment, no wine, no matter how precious, could taste better than that.
She drew her legs up, throwing them across his lap and scooting closer to him. Still holding the glass in one hand, she tangled the other in his white hair and angled his mouth to better fit hers as her tongue darted out to invade it.
He put the bottle down blindly and ran his free hand up her thigh until it was resting on her hip.
When they broke the kiss to catch their breaths, they finally tasted the wine. It was dense with a certain sweetness that reminded them of caramel. Even after drinking, its rich, savory taste lingered on the palate for a long time. It made their kissing even better.
His hand slid up to graze over her stomach and then shyly over her breast. So help her! It was too little but more than enough to make her want to get rid of their clothes and jump him.
"We should go to my room," she purred in his ear before even realizing what she was saying. What if he was not ready? What happened to not rushing him, to giving him time?
"Hawke, I… there is something I need to tell you," he uttered, an apprehensive look on his face.
She quickly pulled back, chiding herself internally for her lack of control.
"It's about my escape. You have the right to know who I am before we do this," he said.
And then he told her about his escape, about his time with the Fog Warriors, about how he killed them when Danarius ordered him to and all that came after that until he had ended up in Kirkwall.
Hawke held his hand in hers while he talked, stroking it reassuringly with her thumb. She made an effort to keep her voice neutral all the time while she asked him all she wanted to know, but she was actually worried. What he was really telling her was that he could not be trusted. That was the reason why he wanted her to hear this story before things got more complicated between them. It was a warning. It meant that if his former master returned, Fenris feared he might turn on her and their friends at the magister's bidding. He would never be completely free as long as that man lived.
They kept talking and drinking for a long time and eventually they fell asleep on the couch. It was early in the morning when they woke up with the noises of Bodahn and Sandal making breakfast in the kitchen. Fenris had his arms around Hawke and despite the things he had told her the day before, she was feeling completely safe and comfortable in his embrace. His confession hadn't changed how she felt about him. She still trusted him. If Danarius really came for him, she would help Fenris kill the magister and she was sure the elf wouldn't turn on her.
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Free as a Bird