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Sanity Check	By : ambersue Category: +M through R > Mass Effect Views: 4440 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect, and sadly, no one pays me to write about any of this.

Chapter List
- 2
- 3
**Author's Note: So, I lied. Here's another chapter. Just more in-game filler. This time post Priority: Thessia. Set right in the middle of the cutscene after that mission, so I know I'm screwing with the timeline, but only a little. Also, a little bit of Renegade Shepard here. My Shepard is never fully one or the other. Not sure how I feel about this chapter, so feel free to give feedback, positive or negative.**
**Update: A few corrections, some stylistic, some spelling. Thanks zexenoeno for the input!**

Kaidan ducked behind a half-destroyed bench in the Asari temple, teeth clenched as the gunship’s heavy fire shattered the air around him. A lull in the hail of bullets, and Kaidan risked a glance around the bench.

The Cerberus assassin Kai Leng was crouched at the end of the aisle, his shields crackling around him as they finished recharging. God, this bastard was annoying. He fought with a sword, for fuck’s sake. Who the hell fights with a sword?

The gunship ceased fire, and Kaidan stood, sending a Warp burst rippling toward him. He smiled with fierce satisfaction when Leng stumbled backward, his newly recharged shields sparking. He just needed to keep the guy away from Shepard. That sword wouldn’t do much good if he couldn’t get close enough to use it. Fortunately, the assassin was largely ignoring Kaidan and Liara, seemingly fixated on the commander. Aren’t we all, thought Kaidan with dark amusement.

And then the assassin moved. God, the guy was fast, but there wasn’t time to be impressed—the move had put Leng too close to Shepard for Kaidan’s comfort. He could see Shepard ahead of him, using a damaged display for cover. Leng was now steps away from the display, sword drawn, intent on his quarry. Shepard fired round after armor-piercing round toward him, further damaging his barriers but still not dropping them.

Kaidan stepped out from his cover. He had to get to Shepard. A few stray rounds peppered Kaidan’s body, but he ignored them, letting his shields absorb the damage. He stretched out his arm, blue biotic energy shimmering and sparking as he charged another burst of Warp. Liara was nearby, slightly ahead of him, her own biotics a haze around her. Shepard’s thermal clip was spent, and he dropped back into cover to reload. Leng was on top of him, his arm raised, the hand not holding his sword alive with another burst of the Shockwave he seemed to favor.

The major held, steadying himself. If he could charge his Warp high enough, he could knock out the last of Leng’s barriers. Shepard would be done reloading and could take it from there. But too little, and Leng would cut the commander to ribbons before Shepard’s rounds could finish him. Too little—

--too late. Kaidan blinked, and suddenly Leng’s attention was no longer on Shepard. Leng was looking straight at Kaidan. The Shockwave he had been charging darted out from his hand, streaking toward the major. It caught Liara first, sending her spinning in his direction. Kaidan, his shields half depleted, his cover abandoned as he pushed toward Shepard, didn’t have time to move.

The force of the Shockwave, combined with the impact of Liara’s body thudding into his own, sent him airborne. His Warp shorted out, sending a psychic backlash shuddering up his arm and through his body. His shields evaporated, his back striking something hard, his head snapping backward against stone. Everything went black.

Kaidan was standing on his parents’ porch in Vancouver. The beer in his hand was cold. His father was next to him, his voice a low rumble, more of a vibration than a sound. Kaidan couldn’t make out his words, but that didn’t seem important. The sun was setting, the sky a violent shade of red that seemed both beautiful and out of place. Had the sky here always been so red? His father’s hand was on his arm, and Kaidan wondered why he couldn’t feel it. Maybe he should tell his dad about Shepard.

Shepard. Something tugged at his mind, and he ignored it. He had to figure out the right words. If his dad would just shut up for a second—the vibration of his voice was starting to shake the ground. The red from the sky was bleeding into the landscape, coloring the lake, the porch, his father’s face. Shepard. The beer in his hand wasn’t just cold anymore, it was freezing. His hand hurt, the chill creeping up his arm, winding all the way up to his head. And that fucking red…the scene dissolved around him, and the red was everywhere.

Hearing returned first – a high-pitched whine ringing in both ears, muffling the other sounds around the major. Shepard. Kaidan shifted, bit back a groan as his brain started receiving signals from his nerve endings again. His left arm was half asleep from his Warp shorting out, his blood like needles coursing through his veins, stabbing at his fingertips, his shoulder, his skull. He shook his head, trying to clear it.

The ground was shaking. Kaidan had landed on his side, facing away from the altar. He made himself roll onto his back. The altar loomed over him, rubble cascading down from the statue, which was…not a statue anymore. The altar was moving, transforming, opening. Kaidan’s brain was not working fast enough to make sense of it. Beacon, his brain said, but that seemed trivial. Shepard, his brain offered, and yes, that seemed more important. He looked around.

The ground a few feet away disappeared. The temple floor had collapsed, leaving a gaping hole in front of the altar. Beacon, his mind corrected. Prothean. As if it mattered. Where was Shepard? He had been right there, right where the hole…

Something in Kaidan sank, dropping from his heart to his stomach, and then it just kept sinking. Oh God, Shepard. He tried to crawl, but his arm was mostly dead weight, his limbs insisting on going in opposite directions.

The shaking subsided, and Kaidan saw Leng standing at the foot of the beacon. The assassin was uploading data to his omni-tool. His stance was arrogant, careless. Victorious. Shepard…

More movement. Liara. She was closer to the hole than he was. He saw her raise her head, saw her frantic expression as she came to the same conclusion he had. She began dragging herself to the edge of the hole. Kaidan tried to follow.

Leng finished his task, ignoring the two as he strode purposefully toward his waiting gunship. Kaidan couldn’t care about him. Liara had found her feet—she was damn resilient, he’d give her that. Then again, she’d only hit Kaidan. Kaidan had hit...well, he wasn’t sure, but it had been a hell of a lot harder than himself.

“Shepard!” Liara shouted. “Hang on!” She had scrambled to the edge of the hole, catching something, grasping…Kaidan’s heart leapt high into his throat as Liara dragged the commander over the edge of the hole, where he must have been hanging just out of sight.

And he was in a hell of a lot better shape than Kaidan, rolling from Liara’s arms straight to his feet, grabbing a fallen pistol to fire at Leng’s retreating gunship. Fucking Shepard. Like you weren’t just almost dead. Kaidan sighed. Again. Anger surged through him, but he was too sore to hold on to it. And too relieved.

The force of that relief helped him roll onto his feet, staggering toward Liara and Shepard. The commander was on his com. “We read you!” he shouted. “What’s your position?” Whoever he was talking to didn’t seem to be able to hear. He repeated his question. Nothing.

Kaidan made it to his side in time to watch two Repears descend onto the city below. Shepard’s hand fell away from his com as they landed. The major felt his heart lurch again, watching Shepard watch the destruction. The loss of life was bad enough, but this was Shepard’s mission, and Shepard didn’t fail.

Except he had. They all had. The taste of it was bitter and unfamiliar and worse for Kaidan, because he felt it, and he felt Shepard feeling it. And there was no way to tell the commander it wasn’t his fault, that he’d done all he could. No way to tell him he shouldn’t carry the blood of the slaughtered Asari forces on his hands.

So Kaidan stood beside him, watching Thessia in its death throes, and he felt the failure for both of them.

----------------------------------------------------
“…I’m sorry.”

Shepard’s words, to the empty space where the Asari councilor had been. Kaidan shouldn’t be here. Bad enough for Shepard to have to admit defeat. He certainly didn’t need witnesses. But Kaidan couldn’t just let him hurt, and so he had followed him.

He was half-hoping Shepard wouldn’t see him, torn between wanting to be there for him and not wanting to add to his misery. He knew how to be with Shepard after a victory. But what did the commander need from him now? Kaidan felt lost, and he didn’t like it.

Shepard walked past him, noticed him out of the corner of his eye, turned. Blue eyes met brown, and it felt like a conversation, but Kaidan wasn’t sure what they were saying.

‘I’m sorry too,’ he tried to say. Or maybe, ‘We tried.’ Or just…

Shepard’s gaze slid away, and he left the room. Kaidan flinched. Apparently whatever he had said with his eyes had not been what Shepard needed, and that failure cut more deeply than the rest. But something in him rebelled at that. There were times when Shepard needed his space, but he shouldn’t be alone now.

Screw what the commander thought he needed. Kaidan went after him.

--------------------------------------------------

And that was how he’d ended up here, at Shepard’s cabin door. He hesitated a moment, trying to decide if he should knock. This was Shepard’s space and he did not want to intrude, to disrespect the boundaries they were still struggling to redefine. On the other hand, if he knocked, Shepard could ignore him, or deny him.

Kaidan took a deep breath, raised his fist, and knocked.

“What?” Shepard’s voice through the closed door. Kaidan tried to decide if it sounded strained.

“Can I come in?”

There was silence from the other side of the door. The dull thud of his heartbeat filled Kaidan’s ears. Really, Shepard? You’re not even going to—

The door slid open, and Shepard stood in front of him. His face was carefully blank, but the major saw the stubborn set of the jaw line, the eyebrows faintly drawn together, and his eyes…the commander’s eyes were cold. Flat. Kaidan felt something tighten in his chest. Shepard hadn’t looked at him like that since…no, Shepard had never looked at him like that. He was not wanted here.

“What do you need, Kaidan?”

The major opened his mouth to reply, but no words came. Hell. He shouldn’t have come. He should have known better. Hadn’t he seen it, that Shepard wanted to be alone?

“I just…” Fuck.

Shepard’s gaze softened a little, easing the tension in Kaidan’s chest, but not dissipating it. “It’s fine, Kaidan.” He gave a small smile that didn’t even come close to reaching his eyes. “I…I’m fine. I just need…a minute.”

Kaidan let out a long breath. “Yeah, I know. I mean…okay.”

The commander stepped back, and the door started to slide closed. It stopped abruptly, and Kaidan was surprised to find his hand blocking the door’s progress. Shepard seemed surprised as well, his gaze sweeping from Kaidan’s hand on the door up to his face. One eyebrow raised slowly. Curious? Annoyed? Kaidan wasn’t sure.

“Shepard,” said the major. “I’m not leaving.”

A sigh from Shepard. Yes, annoyed. “I need to be alone.”

“I think you’re wrong.”

Frustration knit Shepard’s eyebrows together. “It’s not really up to you, major.”

The way Shepard used his title, like an insult, clawed under Kaidan’s skin. He didn’t get to see this side of Shepard very often. It was the side that his enemies must see right before they died, the John Shepard that was calculating and efficient and ruthless. It made him angry, and it scared him a little. And something else. Excited? Yes, Kaidan realized, there was at least a little excitement about seeing Shepard this way. Because while Kaidan knew he was kind and reckless and brave, he wasn’t very often confronted with the reality that Shepard was also dangerous.

The mix of emotions made his pulse race and hardened his resolve. “It’s not really up to you either, commander.”

Both Shepard’s eyebrows shot up this time. He was used to obedience, especially from Kaidan.

“Look,” said the major, “I was there too. Jesus, Shepard, I’m not a machine, and you aren’t either. Don’t pretend you don’t feel the same way I do.”

“And how would that be? What is it you think I’m feeling?” The commander’s voice was even, giving nothing away. His lips were pressed together. Kaidan had a vision, a flash of memory—those lips on his, open, hungry. He pushed it away. Focus, Kaidan.

“Don’t be like this, Shepard.” Kaidan stepped toward him, into the cabin, forcing Shepard to step back to make room for him. “I’m not going to psychoanalyze you. Goddammit, I just want…I’m just trying to be supportive.”

He watched Shepard’s expression twist through a variety of emotions as his mind formulated a response. Finally, he seemed to settle on silence. Surprise, surprise.

Kaidan took another step, and this time Shepard did not retreat. Kaidan stood in front of him, inches away, head bent back slightly to look into the taller man’s eyes. He wasn’t sure when his hand left his side, but suddenly it was on Shepard’s face, not caressing, not even moving, just holding on. Shepard didn’t flinch away, but his body was still tense.

“Shepard.” The major worked to keep the frustration out of his voice. He knew, somewhere under all of this, his friend was hurting. “Please.”

The commander closed his eyes, letting out a long breath. He didn’t quite relax, but Kaidan took it as a sign of acquiescence. Which wasn’t exactly what he was looking for, but…well, Kaidan would take what he could get.

“Fine,” said Shepard. “You can stay.”

“I don’t need your permission.” Kaidan huffed a laugh. “I already told you I wasn’t leaving.”

“Then why bother saying please?” Shepard’s voice was still oddly lacking in inflection, but at least his eyes were warmer. “If your intention was to intrude no matter what, there’s not really any need to be polite.”

The major refused to take the bait. His hand shifted on Shepard’s face, his thumb sliding along the commander’s jaw. “Am I really intruding, Shepard?” His fingers brushed against Shepard’s hairline. “Because I don’t think you really want to be alone.”

“You don’t know—”

Kaidan kissed him. Not hard, not seductive, just touching his lips to the other man’s. Reminding him they were in this together. “I didn’t say I know. But I still don’t think I’m wrong.” Another gentle kiss. “Tell me to leave, Shepard. Tell me you honestly don’t want me here, and I’ll go.”

“You’re just contradicting yourself now, major.”

“And you’re just avoiding giving me an answer.” Because it’s a lot easier to be tough than to admit you need someone, he didn’t add.

Shepard’s silence filled the room. Kaidan drew back. His hand faltered and fell back to his side. Shepard wouldn’t look at him, staring stubbornly at the floor. Bastard, Kaidan thought, but there wasn’t much venom in it. He was tired. You emotionally constipated bastard. He took a step backward. Have it your way, then. He started to turn for the door.

“Don’t.” Shepard’s voice. Not flat anymore. Full of—something. Kaidan turned back. Shepard pulled his eyes away from the floor to meet his gaze. “Don’t go.”

Part of Kaidan wanted to make Shepard beg, but watching him, knowing the effort it cost him to give even that much…Kaidan closed the space between them and took him in his arms. This time, he felt the tension melting away from Shepard as the commander slid his arm around his waist. Shepard tilted his head to bury his face in the major’s neck, and Kaidan closed his eyes at the feel of warm breath against his skin.

“Kaidan, I…”

“Shhh.” Kaidan held him a little tighter. “You don’t have to—just shut up. Just let me…just let me be here with you. For you.”

Another long sigh from Shepard. The commander’s breath on his neck tickled, the sensation shooting down his spine and pooling at the small of his back. He jaw twitched as he clenched it, his fingers splaying against Shepard’s back, gripping the fabric of his shirt.

Shepard pulled back, sensing the shift in Kaidan’s body language. For a moment, Kaidan felt selfish. He was trying to comfort, to support. He wasn’t trying to get into Shepard’s pants. But then Shepard’s hips shifted, fabric rasping against fabric, and the eyes that met Kaidan’s were full of familiar need.

“Shepard…” Kaidan wasn’t sure what he meant to say, but it was swallowed by the commander’s lips as they closed over his own. Shepard’s tongue was in his mouth, tasting him, claiming him. Teeth nipped at his lower lip, and Kaidan moaned into the commander’s mouth. He needed to be closer, he needed more skin and less clothing, more hands and oh god, more of Shepard…

“Shower.” Shepard growled, reading Kaidan’s mind. In answer, Kaidan began to strip. The commander joined him, fingers fumbling as he hastily removed his shoes, his socks, his pants. Kaidan pulled his undershirt over his head, then reached for Shepard’s, which was already half off, helping him drag it off his arms. He pulled the commander close again, his bare chest against Shepard’s, his fingers spreading across his back. Better.

Shepard’s hand was sliding down Kaidan’s side, thumb stroking across his ribs, his other hand on the major’s neck, guiding their mouths together. Kaidan was half-hard already, his hips grinding against Shepard of their own accord. The commander was pushing him, guiding him backward, taking him…where? Oh yes. Shower. He felt the door slide open behind him, but Shepard didn’t stop pushing until he was against the wall. One of the commander’s arms reached out to jab at a button, and warm water splashed onto Kaidan’s head, trickling down his back, pooling between their chests where they were pushed together too tightly for it to escape.

Shepard’s mouth found his neck, lips brushing against the spot where Kaidan’s pulse fluttered visibly beneath the skin. Kaidan tilted his head to allow him better access, his eyes half closing, his breathing shallow. The commander’s tongue traced his jaw, then darted up to suck the major’s earlobe into his mouth. The water flattened Kaidan’s hair against his head, ran into his open mouth as he gasped. “Oh, god, Shepard.”

“Can’t you say anything besides my name?” the commander teased, nipping at his ear to take the sting out of the words.

Kaidan’s laugh was breathless. “Do you really want me to?” he asked.

Shepard ceased his attention to Kaidan’s neck, looking him directly in the eyes. His smile was fierce. “Never.”

“Shepard.” Kaidan meant it to be a joke, but it came out soft and shuddering, giving him away. To hell with it. He found the words he’d meant to say before, the words he’d tried to send to Shepard without speaking. “Shepard. I love you.”

A tension in Shepard’s arms as he froze. Had he been wrong to say it out loud? No, right or wrong didn’t matter. It was true. Shepard was still for another heartwrenching moment. Then he leaned forward slowly, kissing Kaidan again. The major remembered how to breathe, although the breaths became ragged as Shepard’s kiss became more instense. The commander’s hands were at his waist, and then sliding lower, slick fingers following the faint curve of his pelvic bone to the place where it disappeared into his underwear, which was now soaked. Shepard hooked his fingers into the waistband and dragged them down, Kaidan flinching a little as the sodden fabric slid across his cock, reawakening that sense of desperation. Kaidan copied him, removing the commander’s underwear and tossing it aside.

Shepard’s lips left his, the other man’s knee pushing the major’s legs apart, rubbing against him almost hard enough to hurt. Kaidan rose onto his tiptoes, trying to find a balance between too much friction and not nearly enough. Shepard’s body was a riot of contrasting textures, skin slippery with water, muscles hard underneath. Shepard was taller, but with the major on his toes, their cocks brushed against each other, and a noise escaped Kaidan, not a word, just a rush of air with voice behind it. Shepard growled in response, his hand reaching down to wrap around both of them, his other arm pulling Kaidan’s hips closer so he could stroke them together.

“Oh, fuck.” Kaidan tried to reach for the commander’s lips, but they were occupied with dragging across his chest, pausing occasionally to bite, sometimes gently, sometimes not. He found Shepard’s exposed neck instead, his lips clamping down on the vulnerable skin. Another bite from Shepard, and Kaidan bit back, teeth pressing against Shepard’s neck until the other man hissed. For a minute, Kaidan worried that he had hurt him. Why should I care? He doesn’t seem too concerned about hurting me. But he did care, and he hesitated. Shepard’s mouth found his in a crushing kiss, pushing Kaidan’s head back against the tile, mashing his lips against his teeth. That stopped Kaidan’s worry, and awoke something else—something like anger, except anger didn’t typically send blood surging to his groin.

The major put his hands on Shepard’s chest and pushed, knocking the other man off balance. For half a second, he treasured the dazed look on his commander’s face, his pupils dilated in lust, his mouth open, his chest heaving with each breath. Then he gripped Shepard’s arm, twisting them around so that Shepard’s back was to the wall instead of his. If Shepard wanted to be rough…

Kaidan’s kiss was bruising. His teeth caught the commander’s lip, nipping first, then applying more pressure, until Shepard’s sharp intake of breath told him he’d found his pain threshold.

“Shit, Kaidan,” Shepard mumbled. Without pausing or even acknowledging, Kaidan slipped one hand up to cup Shepard’s head, while the other found the swell of his ass and gripped tight. His lips moved to Shepard’s shoulder, alternatively sucking, licking, biting, trying to taste every inch of the commander’s skin. His fingers dug into the hard muscles of Shepard’s ass, nails biting into skin, and then he dragged his fingers slowly upward, not varying the pressure as he traced upward along Shepard’s spine.

The commander arched beneath him, pushing his throbbing erection into Kaidan’s stomach. A low keening started somewhere in Shepard’s throat, and Kaidan kissed the place where the noise began, feeling the vibration through his lips. His hand scratched another line, retracing its steps down Shepard’s back and continuing down until he reached his thigh, which he tugged up, settling across his hip. His cock slid along the crack of Shepard’s ass, brushing against his scrotum.

“Oh fuck!” the commander’s cry was louder this time. “Jesus, Kaidan…”

The major smiled up at him. “Wouldn’t want you thinking you’re the only one who can take charge, here.”

Shepard’s eyes narrowed, his lips curling upwards. “Oh, so it’s mutiny by seduction?”

“Not necessarily.” Kaidan’s hips bucked, the friction dragging another moan from the commander. “I could probably make you beg for me to take the ship. No force necessary.” Another kiss, ending with Shepard’s lip between his teeth again. He bit down, lightly this time, then kissed him again. “Well, not much anyway.”

“You really think I’m that easy?”

“Didn’t we already discuss this a few nights ago? Yes, you’re pretty easy.”

“You were sick. I was being nice.”

Kaidan thrust again, kneading Shepard’s buttocks at the same time. “I’m not sick now.”

Shepard’s eyes were closed, his head back, unconsciously moving his hips against the major. “No,” he agreed.

“So, put your money where your mouth is,” Kaidan suggested.

“Mmmm. You’re a bit of a bitch, you know that?”

Kaidan laughed. “What can I say? You bring out the best in me.”

Shepard’s smile became…well, wicked seemed the only appropriate word. His voice was a low purr against Kaidan’s ear. “Does that make you my bitch, Major Alenko?”

The major frowned. Wait. He was sure he’d had the upper hand in that exchange, right up until that last bit.

He didn’t have long to dwell on it. Shepard slid out of his arms, sinking to his knees on the shower floor. His head hovered at Kaidan’s stomach, tongue tracing patterns around his bellybutton, while his hands wrapped around the major’s ankles before slowly sliding upward. Shepard’s fingers worked the muscles in his leg, digging into his thighs.

Kaidan was used to his legs being sore. It kind of went with the territory for a soldier. He didn’t spend much time thinking about it. But Shepard’s fingers found places he had forgotten were aching, and the pressure of his hands was delicious. His tongue was moving lower, the feathery, barely-there wetness of his mouth making Kaidan’s knees tremble. As Shepard moved, Kaidan’s erection brushed against his neck, against the stubble on his jaw, just enough to remind him of what Shepard wasn’t touching. Not yet.

Shepard raised his eyes to look at Kaidan, and the major wasn’t sure he liked what he saw there. Not that Shepard didn’t look…well, he looked incredible. The water dripping from his nose, clinging to his eyelashes, rolling down his chest, his mouth so close to Kaidan’s dick he almost moaned, imaging those lips around him. But there was something in his eyes that reminded Kaidan of a cat toying with a mouse. He couldn’t decide if he cared enough to be worried. If Shepard wanted to toy with him, so be it.

Shepard caught hold of Kaidan’s hand, bringing it to his lips. He brushed a kiss across his fingertips, and then, almost carelessly, slid two of Kaidan’s fingers into his mouth. Kaidan’s knees buckled a little. God, Shepard’s mouth was warm. Warm and wet and…the commander’s tongue swirled around his fingers, and this time a muscle in Kaidan’s thigh twitched. Unconsciously, he crooked his fingers inside Shepard’s mouth, relishing the suction from his closed lips, pulling his fingers out and then pushing them in again in a lewd pantomime. Shepard’s tongue curled around one finger, sliding all the way down to the base before pulling back again. Kaidan didn’t need to tell him what it did to him. He didn’t even have to make a sound; his body spoke for him. His cock was heavy, something thicker than water coating the tip.

Shepard’s mouth retreated, releasing the major’s fingers, and Kaidan tried not to whimper. That would hardly be intimidating. The commander was putting pressure on his legs, guiding him with his fingers, until they had rotated again, except this time it was Kaidan’s chest pressed against the wall instead of his back. He moved to turn around, and Shepard caught him, one arm pressing against the small of his back to hold him in place.

“Stay,” the commander said. Kaidan felt a flush creep into his cheeks. Stay? Like a dog? Shepard couldn’t just tell him—and then Shepard’s mouth was against his ass, and Kaidan forgot to be angry. His legs spread wider. Way to play hard to get, he thought wryly.

The commander’s fingers dug into the meat of Kaidan’s buttocks, pulling his cheeks apart. His tongue found the major’s entrance, darting out to taste it. Kaidan tried to stifle a moan and couldn’t. He let out a shivering breath, his forehead resting against the cold tile, unaware that he had risen onto his toes to give Shepard easier access. The commander took full advantage, tracing circles around his entrance a few more times before applying more pressure, pushing his tongue forward, inward. Kaidan reached down to grip his cock, stroking himself slowly, feeling himself throb in response to Shepard’s attentions.

Shepard pulled Kaidan further along the tile wall, out of the direct path of the water. Kaidan could feel his ass, the back of his balls, his upper thighs, all slick with Shepard’s saliva. Outside of the stream of water, the air was cool against his damp skin. Behind him, Shepard stood. He pressed against him, his chest on Kaidan’s back, his cock grinding into Kaidan’s crack. His lips caught Kaidan’s ear.

“And now,” he said, “I think I’ll make you say my name again.”

Oh.

Fuck.

He was going to take him, here, now, with only…Kaidan swallowed. Again, that rush of not-anger, that fierce flutter in his stomach that made him want to punch Shepard and fuck the hell out of him all at the same time. Except neither one of those things were what Shepard had in mind.

Shepard’s cock was pressing against his asshole, and Kaidan tried to will himself to relax. He thought about asking for lube, for Shepard’s fingers first, but bit his lips to remain silent. No, if Shepard wanted rough, they would play rough. Kaidan wasn’t going to back down now. Slow, Kaidan. Deep breath.

Shepard thrust against him, the head of his cock pushing into Kaidan before sliding out again. Kaidan cried out in pain…and in pleasure. He focused on relaxing. He could feel Shepard’s hand guiding his cock upward, slower this time, but more sure. Again, the first inch or so of his cock slid into Kaidan. The commander paused, holding himself in place, letting Kaidan adjust. Deep breath. Another push, another inch. Kaidan moaned.

“Too much?” Shepard’s voice in his ear. Dangerous, yes, Shepard was that. But the question wasn’t a dare. Shepard really wanted to know if Kaidan wanted him to stop. If he hadn’t asked, or if he had asked a different way, Kaidan might have given in. But the sincerity in that voice was worth the pain. Shepard didn’t want to hurt him, but Kaidan gave him permission to do it anyway.

“More,” the major whispered, and Shepard’s laugh was low and throaty. The vibrations shivered down his ear, his neck, his spine. Shepard pushed again, and this time Kaidan felt himself give, felt Shepard cross that threshold where the pleasure overcame the pain. He rocked his hips back toward Shepard. “All of it, Shepard.”

And Shepard gave it to him, pushing forward until he was buried in Kaidan completely, the major moaning, half at the sensation and half at the thought of it—Commander Shepard, his Shepard, filling him. Then Shepard’s hands slid up Kaidan’s back, over his ribcage, making him shudder. They wound under Kaidan’s armpits, then back over his shoulders, fingertips locking loosely behind Kaidan’s head. Kaidan recognized the position from basic training—a full nelson. If Shepard wanted to, he could wrench the muscles in Kaidan’s neck and shoulders. But he just held on. The position put Shepard at risk of slipping out of Kaidan again, so the major put his hands against the wall and pushed back, keeping them pressed together.

In spite of the dominating stance, it was Kaidan who set their pace, the hold limiting Shepard’s movement to short thrusts. Kaidan met each one, starting slow while he adjusted to the position, then picking up speed as he grew more comfortable. His breathing came in ragged gasps, sweat breaking on his chest as he shamelessly fucked himself on his commander.

Shepard shifted a little, one hand sliding out of the hold to grip Kaidan’s hip, and with the new angle his cock slid across Kaidan’s prostate. The major groaned loudly. “Oh, fuck, Shepard!”

The sound of his name on Kaidan’s lips seemed to encourage the commander, who brought his other hand down, taking charge of the rhythm completely. Now that he’d found the spot, he worked Kaidan mercilessly, thrusting into him hard and fast.

“Oh, Shep, fucking hell. God. Please, Shepard.” The commander reached around Kaidan’s hip, gripping his cock. He tried to stroke in time with his thrusts, but they were becoming more sporadic as he neared his climax. Kaidan felt the other man tense, bucking forward, his hand on Kaidan’s hip tightening painfully, and then with a wordless moan Shepard was coming. Kaidan could feel him throb inside of him, and the sensation made his own cock twitch in excitement and envy.

Shepard’s hips slowed, stopped. He leaned forward against Kaidan’s back, pressing his forehead against his shoulder while he caught his breath. Kaidan was torn between relishing the closeness and begging for his own release. He eased his hips forward, and Shepard slid out of him.

“Uhhh—” A moan of protest from Shepard. Kaidan turned, taking Shepard’s face in his hands and kissing him. Shepard leaned into the kiss, and Kaidan couldn’t help it if his hips thrust forward against the commander’s body. He wasn’t really begging. Shepard pulled back, glancing at Kaidan with a smile.

“I didn’t forget about you,” he said, and slid to his knees again. Kaidan didn’t have any words to reply.

Shepard didn’t tease this time. He pulled the head of Kaidan’s cock into his mouth, sucking gently. One hand gently stroked the major’s balls, while the other gripped the base of his dick. Kaidan’s eyes tried to close, and he fought them back open. He wanted to watch. Shepard’s head began to move, shallow at first, taking only an inch or two into his mouth before pulling back again, then going deeper, slowly swallowing more and more of Kaidan’s length. His tongue ran along the base of the major’s cock, and suddenly breathing became a difficult task. Kaidan was moaning with every exhale.

Shepard removed his hand and looked up at Kaidan. The major put a hand against Shepard’s face, fingers running through the stubble of the commander’s hair. Then slowly, deliberately, Shepard lowered his head, taking all of Kaidan into his mouth.

“Oh, Shep. Oh, god.”

Shepard held for moment, gagged a bit, pulled back. And then went down again. This time, his tongue teased the base of Kaidan’s cock, and Kaidan almost lost it. His hand gripped Shepard’s head harder, and he thrust forward, knowing he was going to gag him but unable to stop himself. To his credit, Shepard lasted longer than Kaidan thought he would. Finally, the commander had to pull away, but he stroked Kaidan with a firm hand until he had recovered enough to take him in his mouth again. Not going quite so deep this time, Shepard fell into a rhythm, his tongue working Kaidan’s cock, the gentle suction from his lips tugging at Kaidan until he knew he wouldn’t last much longer.

“Shep, I’m going to—”

Shepard nodded almost imperceptibly, but didn’t slow his pace. Kaidan understood that he was giving him permission. A few more seconds, and Kaidan felt his balls draw up, his body tightening, and then—

“Oh fuck, Shepard!” His orgasm lasted longer than he expected, pulsing out from him in wave after wave of shuddering pleasure. Shepard took it all, swallowing it, cleaning the last drops off of his cock with his tongue. As Kaidan’s legs trembled in the aftermath of his release, Shepard continued to suck him, slow and lazy, until finally the major sank to the floor beside him, exhausted.

“You know,” said Shepard, “we still have work to do today.”

Kaidan sighed. “No rest for the wicked.”

Shepard’s laugh was soft. “And I thought we were the good guys.”

“Usually we are.”

Shepard’s smile slowly faded, and he stared at the wall without really seeing it. “Today…what were we today, Kaidan?”

“Today, we did our best.”

“Not enough.”

“No. It wasn’t.” Kaidan paused. “But that doesn’t mean we’re not the good guys.”

Shepard looked down at his hands. “I know I can’t save everyone, Kaidan. I know I’m not…I know I’m only human.”

“Yeah, I know. But sometimes you forget. And being reminded…” Kaidan took his hand. “Being reminded isn’t easy.”

They were quiet again for a while, listening to the falling water.

“I’m glad you came,” Shepard finally said. Kaidan raised an eyebrow. “Not just because of the sex.”

“I know, Shepard.” And he did know. He heard what Shepard couldn’t say. Not yet. “I love you, too.”
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