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Lacrimosa	By : Ayamuri Category: +A through F > DRAMAtical Murder Views: 1285 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own DRAMAtical Murder, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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“Come on, one more set and we’ll be finished,” I encouraged, my arms wobbling as I struggled not to drop them.
Sei and I were going through his therapy exercises, the final one of the day being one where he would stand holding a three pound ball in his hands and would lift it up. He then had to bring it down to chest height before holding it straight out. After that, he’d bring it back towards his chest and then once more hold it back up again. We’d do ten slow reps of this at a time before taking a break and once fully finished, we’d have completed five sets in all.
I remembered when Sei could barely finish one, back in the early days. Now he’d been home for a week and after all the training from the hospital, he could relatively easily finish his entire exercise routine. He still seemed pretty tired afterwards but he wasn’t having coughing fits or gasping for air like he used to.
After finishing the last one, he put the ball back on the floor and fell onto his bed, us having used his room to exercise. Wiping his sweaty hair from his face, he gave me a tired but satisfied smile and a corny victory sign. “Yatta!” he cheered before his arm fell limply by his side.
I shook my head laughing and left out for a moment to go downstairs. The house was empty as Granny was off making medical rounds, which is when I preferred to schedule the therapy exercises. I didn’t want the noise to bother her. In the kitchen, I grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge and jogged back upstairs. Idly, I wondered if from now on I should make Sei go and grab them.
When I came back in, I found him in the same spot lying on the bed, seemingly watching the ceiling fan spin around. I touched one of the bottles to his forehead in which he instantly jerked away. “It’s freezing!”
“I figured that’d be a good thing right now,” I laughed and put the bottle in his hands. I opened mine and took a sip, then put the bottle to my own face. It felt refreshing.
Sei informed me, “I don’t know if I was born this way or if it’s from the experiments but my body temperature is slightly different than most others. When others are warm or comfortable, I’m usually pretty cold. So, anything that’s considered moderately cold is extremely freezing to me.” He didn’t look sad as he said it and even managed a small laugh.
“Hm…maybe your extreme sensitivity to cold is like how I couldn’t stand to have anyone touch my hair,” I reflected. My hair no longer hurt anymore if someone touched it but I still had slight sensation it in. “Just about all of the odd effects stopped after Platinum Jail though. I’ve not even heard…his voice…since I’ve come back.”
Sei tilted his head inquisitively at me. “I suppose that’s to be expected. You’ve acknowledged his presence and understand that he’s a natural part of you. He doesn’t have to fight to be noticed any more.” He paused again and then suddenly said, “I never would have thought that both you and I would have so many imaginary friends!”
I cracked a wide grin and asked, “Are they imaginary if more than one person can see them?”
He crinkled his nose in laughter. “You’ve got me there.”
We joked around for a little while longer before I pulled myself up off the floor where I was again sitting and rummaged around in my room for something else to change into. My room was a lot more chaotic than Sei’s, probably because there was more in it.
No, that’s a lie. Sei was just naturally neater than me. I usually didn’t pay much attention to where I put anything.
I grabbed what I would be wearing for the day and poked my head back into Sei’s room. “Wanna take a shower first?”
Sei was in front of his own dresser, looking through his clothes. “You can go first. You’re already ready.”
I nodded and headed to the bathroom. While showering, I thought about what I wanted to do for the day. A small shopping list was on the kitchen table so that needed to be done first. Afterwards, maybe I’d visit Mizuki and Koujaku. If Clear wasn’t already hanging around the house, he usually knew to find me with them or at my old workplace, though I rarely worked there anymore since technically, I didn’t live in Midorijima any longer.
I thought about Noiz and the last time I’d seen him, over a month and a half ago. We talked often and he’d kindly sync his calls for when it was daylight for me, even if it was in the middle of the night for him. When I had offered to instead be the one to call him during his daylight hours, he refused. He didn’t mind staying up so late, he said. He just wanted to make sure he never interrupted my sleep.
An unwitting smile came to my face and for a moment, my chest hurt. Like some love-sick puppy, I missed him. I was happy to be spending time with my brother, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to getting back to Germany.
I allowed the water to relax me a little longer before I shut it off and climbed out. I dried and dressed while still in the bathroom but kept the towel on my shoulders as I made my way down the hall, drying my hair. Sei wasn’t in his room when I passed by. Instead, I headed downstairs to the kitchen.
I found him there with an apple in one hand and a small knife in the other. He’d managed to cut the apple into slices and was now…I’m assuming he was trying to make them into rabbits. He looked up at me sheepishly and surveyed his handiwork.
“I wanted to make them like I’d seen on TV. Nobody at the lab ever cut them like that so I wanted to try it.”
I was reminded of a time when, shortly after we got back from Platinum Jail, I had attempted to do the same thing for Noiz when he too was in the hospital. He had said mine looked more like cats than rabbits. I decided to take this opportunity to get better at it so that I could maybe impress him later. Besides, I didn’t feel comfortable with Sei using sharp knives just yet.
“I’ll cut them for you,” I said and gently removed the utensil and the apple slice from his hands. “You go on and take your shower.”
He looked a little put-off and I’ll admit that I felt a little bad for it. He’d gotten this far and hadn’t managed to cut himself; maybe I was being a mother hen.
But an instant later, the look was gone and he smiled at me with a nod. “Okay!” I heard him head back upstairs and I continued my attempts to cut the wedges into proper ears. How did the mom’s on TV make it look so easy?! It was like woodcarving…but with food. It really did require a high level of skill.
Maybe I lacked some kind of creative eye because by the time I was finished, the ears still looked closer to cats than rabbits. I clicked my teeth in annoyance, having to admit that Noiz was right, and put them on a plate. Hopefully Sei wouldn’t mind. They were still edible. And unlike last time, I’d managed to keep more of the apple intact.
I started to head back to Sei’s room where I figured it’d be more comfortable to eat but suddenly froze in my steps as I heard something make a noise.
Please let it be my imagination. The wind outside. Something in the attic. Anything other than what I thought it was.
But there it went again and there was no mistaking it.
“Ahh…nmm…Ahhh…!”
I could still hear the shower inside the bathroom but the sounds were unmistakably coming from in there. No…not Sei. Not sweet, gentle, innocent—
Another passionate moan slashed across my thoughts, accompanied by erotic wet sounds.
Immediately I turned around and quietly headed back downstairs. I put the plate of apples on the kitchen table and picked up the grocery list. Grabbing my jacket from the back of a chair, I headed outside, not even remembering to lock the door, nor did I take Ren with me, as I usually would.
Instead of going shopping immediately, I walked around aimlessly for a while, trying to think about anything other than what I’d heard. After I realized I’d looped the same three blocks several times in a row, I slowly started to filter everything going through my mind.
Sei’s voice…in the bathroom. The notion of Sei touching himself had never even crossed my mind. Maybe that’s why it was so surprising. Sei’s muted personality never gave any desires away, making him seem so much like a doll. But, I had to remember, Sei was the same age as I was. Sei’s entire existence had been carefully monitored and watched by complete strangers. Could I imagine having lived a life of relatively no privacy? It made my heart hurt just thinking about it.
Besides, if I was going to be wholly honest…I truly wasn’t so pure myself. I must’ve been about fourteen when I had started. I’d learned quickly though that the bathroom probably wasn’t the best place for that though since sounds were magnified in there. Damn, now my face was burning! I glanced up from my feet, feeling as though everyone else could hear what I was thinking but nobody paid any attention to me.
As I walked, I also wondered if anyone had spoken to Sei about sex. He seemed to have a vague concept of love, probably attained from TV or some such thing. Even kids got a simple idea of love from watching their parents but did anyone have ‘the talk’ with him? The need to masturbate was pretty normal but without understanding the full concept, he’d probably end up feeling confused and unsatisfied. I wanted Sei to have a normal life, though. I never wanted him to wonder “Why do I feel this way?” or to feel like a leper in his own body.
My emotions began to turn and I actually started to fight back tears. I shouldn’t have to explain any of this to my older brother. I shouldn’t have to hold his hand and guide him through all of life’s nuances. And I understood that I wouldn’t have to, necessarily. But had Sei been born outside of Toue’s reach, he would’ve had a relatively normal life. The guilt that I’d gotten what Sei didn’t started to suffocate me. At a time like this, Ren would say something like, “It couldn’t be helped” or “You can’t change the past but you can shape your future.”
He would be right. I can cry all I want to, but it wouldn’t change what’s already happened. At the very least, using Scrap on my friends has taught me that. I can only try to influence what will happen from this point forward. Saying that calmed me down some and finally, I pulled the shopping list from my pocket. I settled my mind on getting the groceries first and when I got back home, maybe I’d talk to Sei. I only had a week left.
~.~.~
When I came home, the house was quiet. Granny must’ve still been gone. I put the groceries on the table and realized the plate of apples was missing. Maybe he’d taken them to his room to eat after all.
I began to put the food away but halfway through I was joined by Ren. He hopped up on a kitchen chair and blinked at me. “Aoba, you were gone for a long time. Are you alright?”
I nodded without looking at him. “I’m fine. Hey, have you seen Sei?”
“He’s in his bedroom,” Ren informed me.
“…Is he…okay?”
“I’ve not detected any distress from him,” he said simply.
“Oh. That’s good…” I finished putting the food away and picked him up in my arms. Climbing up the stairs, I cast a wary glance at the bathroom before continuing down the hall. I could hear the TV on and knocked on his door.
“You don’t have to knock, Aoba!” I heard him call from the other side.
I slowly opened the door to find him sitting cross-legged at a small table, reading a book. He smiled when he saw me and beckoned me inside.
I closed the door behind me. Sei had arranged pillows on the floor to sit on when at the table and I took one next to where he was sitting, a corner separating us.
There also on the table was the plate of apples. Most had been eaten but a few remained. Sei saw me looking at them and explained, “I thought I’d save some for you when you got back. But…they’re starting to brown,” he quietly noted, looking at them sadly. Turning back to me, he asked, “Where’d you go so suddenly?”
My voice caught in my throat for a moment and I had to swallow before I could speak. “There was some shopping I had to do.” Well, that wasn’t a lie.
He nodded and turned his attention back to his book. The TV was low so as to not disturb him but to provide a slight background noise. With a deep breath, I pushed the button on the back of Ren’s head, putting him in sleep mode. I kept him in my arms though as my usual distraction.
“…Sei, we need to talk.”
He smiled at me and closed the book, eagerly sitting up. “Sure, Aoba! What do you want to talk about?”
When he made that face, gave that naïve, happy smile, I felt my resolve shake. They say ignorance is bliss. Why not say anything at all? But…if I were to leave—no, when I leave, I need to know for certain that Sei is going to be alright.
I sighed again and confessed. “Look, I’m going to come out and say it. Sei…I heard you earlier this morning.”
Sei had the grace to not play ignorant when I said that. Immediately, his face blushed and he lowered his eyes to the hands in his lap.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered.
“It’s not like it’s your fault…I guess not,” I muttered, my own face starting to heat up. “I mean, it’s normal, right?” Well, Sei probably didn’t know that it was—
“I’m aware of that,” Sei said, his voice cutting across my thoughts twice that day.
Without meaning to, I blinked stupidly at him. “Wait…you know?”
A sheepish smile. “Even in labs, they teach you things. Well, the scientists never really talked to me. But…”
“Those damn non-twins,” I growled, curling up my fists.
“Who?”
“…Nothing.”
We were quiet for a moment. Then I started to pull myself up. “Well, I initially was going to just, um…discuss a few things with you. But since you already know…” I was halfway standing to go when Sei grabbed my shirt and pulled me back down.
“Wait.”
I guess I’m not off the hook that easily. I forced myself to meet Sei’s eyes as his stared inquisitively into mine.
“You did say it’s normal, right?” he whispered, leaning closer. I couldn’t bring myself to answer him vocally so I nodded. Still gripping part of my shirt, he struggled a moment with his next words. “Is it…the same with you? I mean, do you…you know…”
I figured he’d ask that and had prepared myself to be as adult about it as possible but that didn’t stop my ears also going red as I nodded again.
He pondered that for a moment. “And…is it the same…when you’re with Noiz?”
My breath hitched and I felt myself reel for a second. This I hadn’t been expecting, primarily because I had based this entire conversation on Sei not knowing much of anything on the subject. But now…how to answer him? I wanted to just shrug and say “More or less” but…that would be a slap in the face to both Noiz and Sei.
I buried my face in Ren’s fur, happy he couldn’t hear what I said next. “No, it’s…better. I can’t make myself feel the way that he makes me feel. I’m happier because I know he cares and when we’re intimate, it’s just another facet to show how much he loves me.” My eyes began to sting and for all my blinking, the tears fell. God, I missed him. I missed him so damn much.
I think I might’ve scared Sei as he let go of me and sat back. “Is that so?” he murmured so low I almost didn’t hear him.
I wiped a sleeve across my eyes and gave him a shaky smile. “Sorry, don’t mean to be such a crybaby. But I hope that answered your question.”
He gave me his own classic smile, eyes closed and head tilted like a puppy. “Yes, thank you, Aoba. I think I understand better now.”
I reached out and gripped his hands for a moment, giving them a squeeze before I stood up again. I also picked up the plate of apples but as I closed the door behind me, I saw Sei lift his shoulders with a quiet sigh.
I wondered what might be wrong but at that moment, I heard Granny come in and instantly raise hell that the front door wasn’t locked. Uh-oh…here we go again.
I meekly made my way to the kitchen where she gave me the third degree, instantly putting the last conversation out of my mind.
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Lacrimosa