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Evolving Feelings - Discovery I	By : Svein Category: +A through F > Bloody Roar Views: 1158 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Bloody Roar nor any of its characters, and I'm making no money off this fic.

Chapter List
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Part 3
True to her word, the next day Yumi brought Kenji a stack of BL doujin neatly wrapped inside an opaque plastic bag. "Here's the research material you asked for," she said handing said material. To Kenji, it really was research material, even if she didn't know it.
"Thanks, Yumi!" He said cheerfully, and she once again blushed. Maybe it had been too soon to drop the honorific.
"No problem... Kenji-kun," she replied a little hesitantly, evening the score by calling his first name. Over the next few days, Kenji got to know Yumi's hobbies a lot more than he would have liked to.
People noticed that Kenji was much friendlier than usual and saw this as an opportunity to try getting close. He was widely considered one of the hottest guys in the school and was also a soccer ace to boot, so it was no wonder people wanted to get close to him. They were attracted to rising stars like moths to a flame, and Kenji was pretty sure most of those smiles were as fake as his own. He answered these attempts with cheerfulness and warm smiles, but carefully filtered between the people he would "keep a polite distance from" and those whom he considered "worthy talking to". Secretly, he found it very ironical that the people who had tried to bully him in his first year were now trying to win his favor. He wondered how they would react if they knew Kenji was a zoanthrope.
Eventually, his classmates built up the boldness to ask the inevitable question: why had Kenji become so open so suddenly? It was almost like he'd become a completely different person! Kenji dispelled suspicions by saying that he had been working with a therapist for a long time to overcome his shyness, and finally he felt confident enough to try talking to people. Uriko, who had met Dr. Murakami, was the first to buy his story and help to confirm it. Her naiveté was simply amazing, but then again it was one of the things Kenji liked about her. Even if she was impulsive and simple-minded, she was and a hundred percent honest with herself. Her decisiveness was something he could admire and rely upon.
He didn't really feel like himself, though. Putting up a front and evoking emotions he didn't feel was taking an unpredicted toll on his nerves. Most of the time, he felt like his smiles were just muscle exercises – which they were, but for some reason this thought caused a feeling of wrongness. It was like he was lying to all those people. Well, he really was, and he didn't try to fool himself about it. A trained assassin feeling guilt over simply lying? What a joke, he thought bitterly. Still, just as Dr. Murakami had taught, he couldn't simply deny how he was feeling, no good would come of that. The question was why he was feeling that way.
After reflecting on this for a long time, Kenji found the answer: he wanted it to be true. He wanted to reciprocate the smiles with real warmness. But why? The realization hit him like a storm: because he wanted to receive warmness. He was having trouble finding the logic in this – he had never required affection from others before, so there was no reason he would require it now. This would only make him more reliant on others, and it was something unnecessary for his survival. Overall, it was a very undesirable outcome.
Kenji was about to tell himself to abandon this irrational disposition when the words said by Dr. Murakami two years before came back to him: Trying to deny or run away from your feelings is a fool's errand. They won't disappear just because you've turned your eyes, instead they'll just grow stronger and start clouding your judgment, without your noticing. To Kenji, who valued self-control very highly, this had struck like a brick. She was a professional in her field, so he found it unwise to argue, and indeed many things started making more sense after he learned to identify his own feelings. Still, he found it hard to agree with them on a rational level sometimes.
Why would I want to get affection from people I don't even care about? He thought bitterly, struggling with the idea, when suddenly, everything clicked together. Most of his interactions were fake, but there were a few people he did like hanging out with, now that he had gotten to know them better. Yumi, for example, was one of them – she was very supportive of his sexual preference and had helped him to understand a lot of things. Kenji had opened himself to her more than he would have liked to, but for some reason he didn't feel threatened. The second person that came to mind was Shougo, the captain of the soccer club. Now that Kenji was more open, Shougo had been talking with him quite a lot about the game, trying to teach him strategies to coordinate with the team and make better plays. Thanks to him, Kenji had started viewing matches as something to be enjoyed, rather than just won.
Kenji was suddenly scared. Had he really changed so much without even noticing? And in only two weeks?! What if he continued to change? What if he really became dependent on the affection of those people? When he reached this point, Kenji thought of Yugo, and his heart was instantly wrenched with pain. He had just realized that he craved his brother's affection, and not just the everyday affection he already had for granted. He craved more, his body craved more, and he knew Yugo wouldn't be able to give him that. Now that Kenji knew (if only theoretically) what sex with another man entailed, his fantasies seemed more impossible than ever. As far as he knew, Yugo was straight – he'd shown interest in women, but never men.
This realization served to remind Kenji of his original purpose: he needed to find someone to provide him with what he couldn't get from Yugo. That's why he had crafted a mask of charisma and started tangling with schoolmates.
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Evolving Feelings - Discovery I