-- The Urn of Sacred Ashes
Hawke: My throat was tight as Anders opened the Urn. I could see that Merrill was watching with interest and Sebastian was watching with a less generous opinion. I hoped and prayed that this would help Anders. I wasn't as sure if Andraste or the Maker were present or they would grant him mercy and healing as I hoped.
I was afraid that he would simply die, that paying with his life was the only... justice for what he'd done.
That would also mean that I was wrong to think that the cruel treatment of mages over the ages was a “provocation” and at some point defense, escape, and suffering had to end. I would not have chosen destroying the Chantry of Kirkwall as he did, there were too many innocents. This also gave the Chantry so many fresh martyrs, erasing the mage martyrs from the Gallows. But I understood his frustration at trying for so long for even small changes when none were granted. At some point change had to come and their unwillingness to treat mages as humans had to be exposed.
If Anders was to be damned for wanting a better world, I would be damned too.
Maybe I just selfishly didn't want to lose him.
Anders looked at me after he had seen inside the Urn: fear, hope and farewell in his eyes. Then he took a pinch and ate it.
He reacted to it immediately, falling back with his body jerking like he was hit by lightning. Then he collapsed like a corpse and was still.
Dropping down beside him, I shouted his name even as his head rolled to the side. I couldn't see any breathing.
Sebastian had begun speaking.
“...wicked hearts on blacken'd wings does deceit take flight, the First of My children, lost to night.” I swung around, expecting him to be smug or triumphant, but his face had more sorrow than I ever expected.
“He gave himself to the Maker's judgment. That was what I demanded, Hawke.” Sebastian stated without emotion.
Still angry because he was part of what drove Anders to what he did, I taunted him. “Shouldn't you give yourself too? You hired an assassin to hunt the murderers of your family, and then the ones who ordered it. What kind of faith is that? You are willing to raze an entire city of innocents to get at us. How many would have died if we stayed in our homes? They would have been defending their city from your conquering Starkhaven army. Do you even know how many live in Kirkwall, or how many children would have lost their parents in that battle?
“You wanted to see the Urn, how free of sin and error do you think
you are?” I didn't think he was superior to Anders in any way, he was just luckier in birth.
“Hawke!” Merrill interrupted the growing argument. “He's still breathing.”
Ignoring Sebastian, I turned back to Anders. I'd been sure he'd died, especially when my shouting at Sebastian caused no response. I looked at him and after what seemed forever, saw the shallowest of breaths. “Anders, love, please come back...”
There was no reaction. My next panicked thought was that he was Tranquil now, and would wake as they must have after having their souls castrated from the Fade and whatever is beyond it.
A hand gripped my shoulder and I looked up at Merrill.
She said gently, “Aldera, he lives. That cup is powerful and I believe he has left himself. He looks like he did when the Keeper sent you and Isabela to find the somniari in the Fade.”
That didn't make me feel any better, as Marethari was gone and Merrill couldn't explain much then.
“So we can't just wake him, can we?” I asked with growing dread.
Merrill shook her head. “No, not if his mind is still in there. I'm sorry, the Keeper had not taught me much of what little had survived of that lore. I think these ashes have sent Anders into the Beyond.”
Hope grabbed my voice. “Can I go after him if I use the Ashes? We helped Feynriel get free of those demons before.”
“It will not be that simple, lethallan. Anders walks the paths of the Fade without the guidance of the Creator, Falon'Din. He is already part of the Fade, as a mage and because of his spirit. The Keeper's ceremony was akin to a hunter locating the injured fawn by its cries.” Merrill looked at the Urn. “A mage has some level of control in the Fade, and you could never locate him on your own, not even if you were a mage.”
“Can you help me, Merrill?” I brushed one of Anders' tiny braids off his face. It had been days before Marethari had located me for the boy's rescue, and I'd always suspected that they had tried Feynriel's mother first.
She looked worried. “I know the principles, but I do not know all, nor do I have the materials. I heard her prayers to Falon'Din that day as she cast that ceremony for each of you. I can attempt to do what I remember, but I will not be able to accompany you.”
I worried a little at that, aside from even my fear for Anders. Merrill had become a bedrock of my life, in many ways like Bethany.
“The apostate still lives.” Sebastian didn't sound like he believed what he was saying.
How he reconciled his expectations with the fact that Anders still lived, wasn't really my problem right now. Well, it was because I didn't want him deciding that Anders still deserved to die. The truce-oath might be considered over now.
That is the loophole I should have seen, and he had helped us get here.
“Yes. It looks like he has been trapped like the boy, Feynriel,” I said carefully. Merrill and I could protect Anders' body, but I was not sure Merrill could protect both Anders and I, and do her ceremony. I'd never seen any clear sign that he dreamed as he slept, and he was so still now.
“Trapped, or facing judgment as he should?” Sebastian asked doubtfully. “The Maker's mercy may be that he never returns.”
“We cannot know when we are outside the Beyond. It is a dangerous place for us to travel, even in our dreams every night,” Merrill said gravely.
Crossing his arms, Sebastian told us, “Then I will go. Judgment will not be denied.”
I exchanged glances with Merrill, this way the danger should always have two of us to watch over, I hoped.
Merrill said to Sebastian, “If you believe that this may be the judgment of your prophet, perhaps you should.”
That prodded him and he angrily marched to the altar. More carefully he took a pinch and seemed to pray before he ate it.
Dropping down as Merrill began to chant, he looked around dazedly for a moment, before he fell back unconscious as well.
I hadn't expected Sebastian to do that so quickly and listened in shock as Merrill finished the chant. I wasn't sure if it was a spell or Dalish prayer.
Apologetically, she told me, “I do not know if I began the ceremony quickly enough to be effective. He may merely wander until he wakes.”
I had to smile despite my worry. The Fade was very different entering it like this than in my dreams. We arranged them on the platform, with Paws nosing both of the men. Ser Mew batted Anders' nose before curling up with a discontented noise on his chest.
“How much time do you need before I go?” I asked her. I could barely see Anders' chest moving.
She pulled a salve from a pouch and rubbed some on three places across my forehead, with the middle being the last. “You may start now, Hawke.”
I looked into the Urn, and it looked like any ash after a funeral, like Mother's and Father's. Maybe I expected it to glow, but it looked so normal. I took a pinch, and settled to sit on the floor with my back to the altar.
A wind blew through me and I looked at Merrill as she grew more watery and dissolved into the green denseness of a swampy forest. I was standing in among trees that were made for spooky stories by the fire, of ghosts and haunts and rattling trees that were the scariest things I knew of when I was a child in the years before the Blight. Now, skeletons and liches weren't even on the list.
When I checked, I had my weapons and armor, even if I wasn't quite sure if my feet were touching the green and fuzzy ground. With no idea of which way to go to find Anders, I picked a direction and walked. The forest seemed to be bare of life, as I didn't see any birds or even insects of any kind at first, but as I walked I realized I saw a rabbit and I could hear... something else. The sound was like the buzz of insects on a hot summer day, but it shifted as I walked. I heard a bit of a chant and then the buzz became a distant roar.
I watched around me, wondering which were harmless and which were demons and spirits. This forest path seemed safe enough, even as I fingered my Bassrath-Kata. I hurried my pace. I had to find Anders.
A voice off the gloomy path told me, “You may not want to find that battlefield, Champion.”
Remembering the demons in the false halls of the Fade Gallows, I slowed. “Who are you?”
“Merely one of the spirits here, not what your kind calls demons.” She was wearing fine and glowing clothing, and her skin shone in the mossy light of the forest. “I have a gift for you, to help you with the field ahead of you.”
Remembering the threats and bargains offered my last visit. I wondered, “Why would you do that?”
She smiled, and spread her arms wide, she appeared almost transparent for an instant. “It is my nature. I am Charity, and gifts benefit both the recipient and the giver. I give you knowledge, it will help you with the curse you have labored against.”
“Curse? What curse?” I wondered what she was talking about. Curses didn't exist.
“That is possibly the simplest thing to call it for one who cannot move freely here.” She sounded apologetic. “Spirits are not supposed to be cut off from their home. Some are seduced by darker exemplars who visit, but they can return as easily as your people travel here in their sleep.”
I didn't quite understand what she was talking about. “So Justice is cursed, or Anders?”
“They both are, now, but the spirit you know, nearly starved from the curse before they merged”
So this was from something done to Justice. I wanted to know how to end it for Anders, hopefully short of his death. “How can this curse be ended?”
“The curse's embodiment can be destroyed here but that won't truly end the spirit. The spirit that gave power to the Baroness' curse approves of the destruction in its wake. Its attention was elsewhere, but it enjoys its pawns too much to allow their freedom.” She looked briefly down the path.
The roaring got louder and a pillar of scarlet and blue flame could barely be seen in the distance.
“Thanks for the help, Charity. I have to go.” I started running down the path, hoping they were close. Destroy somebody, I could do that.
The run through the forest seemed endless and the plants and trees became less... wholesome as I ran. It didn't look like the leafless barrenness of a forest or swampy woods in winter before the snows blanketed it.
It looked dead, like the smell of dead and rotting flesh on top of swampy muck. The smell was faint, and I tried to ignore it. The path opened up a little, into a village that was only ruins of barns and houses. I stopped for a moment, but no spirits were there that I could see, just a huge fallen gate where there was really no wall anymore. I ran on, worrying at how long it was taking me to find them.
After I passed the gate, the path ended, opening out into the courtyard of a huge mansion. I stopped.
Anders was in the middle of a cage made of the glowing light and a pillar of light that kept roaring. It roared so loudly, I wasn't sure if those were words.
I moved over to him, keeping the cage between myself and that pillar, hoping to not be noticed.
He looked irritated and waved a hand away from himself. “Begone, spirit. It's not even amusing the fifth time.”
-- x x --
Anders: I wasn't dead.
At least I didn't think so; did I die, spattering the Urn with my brains? I didn't even think that might happen to Hawke, my dying in a mess from the Ashes.
I
was surprised to have woken in the Fade, though I shouldn't have been. I would pass through here to the Maker's side or Void when I died. This was the first time since the rescue of Feynriel that I remembered being here, even if Justice had been active at the time. This time it wasn't like the faux Gallows that the boy and I feared, but Blackmarsh, where a village had been trapped in the Fade even after their deaths. It seemed fitting to come here, this was where I met Justice.
When I looked around me, I could see the mansion where the Baroness could look over her victims. The gate that Justice had broken wasn't far away, and I remember wondering if he had a face under that armor.
Did you have a face then? There was no answer.
While I wanted to be free of Vengeance, it was very strange to be alone in my head again. Appearing in front of the mansion entrance was a glowing figure that didn't quite resemble Justice when I met him, even at this distance.
“
You have abandoned the cause of mages, weakened and allowed your own death!” He came closer and looked like me in my black robes now, but glowing from within like when I'd met Justice first. His words struck at guilt, as if anything was as important as freeing my brothers and sisters. I had done nothing for our cause since Kirkwall and I could not defend my inaction.
“
The death of any innocents deserves justice!” That came from behind me and I turned. There was a knight in plain, glowing armor, looking like Justice at the Vigil. They both sounded like Justice had sounded for so many months.
“
None are innocent when the murders repeat generation after generation. They learn nothing. Today's Divine was yesterday's child. They are all guilty of killing and erasing mages as if they held no value!” “
No, the child cannot be justly condemned. Justice is fair!” My head turned back and forth, hearing the same arguments that had before only been inside my head. First one and then the other, back and forth that made me think that Justice had ranted insanely. Had there been two before this? Was that possible?
“
Justice is slow and weak; you cannot stop the murderers like Vengeance can. Destruction ends their killing permanently.” The other spirit began to glow and grow. “
Vengeance is careless and makes only more reasons for Vengeance.” I didn't like that glow, and wondered if I could sneak away from both of them and wake up with Hawke. I started backing away.
A cage appeared around me, like my own spell except that I wasn't being crushed. The bars had spikes all along them, meaning I'd cut myself if I tried to break them. They returned to their argument, getting larger and less understandable in their shouting, the longer I was here.
I couldn't affect the cage and their shouting rang through my mind. I saw Hawke coming toward me, with a wary eye on the spirits.
I was overjoyed that I might get away with her and leave them here, she could deal with a lock easily from the outside.
But then a roar came from the giants, and she was engulfed in flames. My shout and attempt to heal her did nothing. I sank to my knees, sobbing, until I saw her coming my way again, this time with that sword to act as a pry bar. She didn't use it though and I realized that she wore a version of Templar armor and she laughed at me before she disappeared.
Days passed until the next spirit pretending to be Hawke appeared.
I hoped it wasn't many days, my body would die if I was trapped here. Maybe I already had died.
Hawke would want to find me, but the ground rocked with the spirits' fight and she'd be safer if she thought the Ashes killed me.
This Hawke hurried over, a light of happiness in her eyes as she examined may cage. “I can bring you Hope...”
I wanted to believe, I really did, but her voice was wrong and so I looked at this spirit more closely. “Please, spirit. Thank you, but I'd rather you not look like Hawke.”
She looked at me directly, her eyes now a brilliant Fade-blue instead of Hawke's own green. “I am not powerful enough to affect this against his will. He burns to harm all in his way, even here, even you.”
Now I had hope, hope that we would be trapped, keeping Vengeance here in the Fade. “Thank you. You should go.”
She faded, and the other spirits became a light that was almost blinding. I watched them, and the light seemed to be getting redder, which made me uneasy. Red lyrium, like what Varric's brother stole, had this glow. A carmine like blood, and blood magic. The blue was dissolving into the redder light, or the redder was losing its blue seeming.
By this point I was resigned to dying here in the Fade after the weeks I had been here.
Another Hawke came, watching the spirits like the others had. Maybe other spirits still thought me more interesting than most. Its appearance as Hawke felt like a knife and I asked it to leave me.
“Shut up, Anders. I don't know how long Merrill's ceremony will work, she never finished her training...” Hawke sounded irritated. “She's doing some prayer right now. I figured it can't hurt.”
There couldn't be a spirit of irritation, so I reached through the bars and we gripped hands, our fingers interlacing. I could feel the life flowing through her veins. “I'm still alive? Chantry-boy hasn't finished me off?”
“No, he passed out after taking a pinch too. Merrill's guarding us like the Keeper did before.” With one more squeeze, she let go of me and examined the cage. She muttered something and began prying at the lock.
I wished I could help, and thought I saw a Varric and a Warden Commander come out of the mists, but they weren't truly here. Hawke was, and I could not resist some kind of contact as she worked, placing my hand in her hair that was once more in the neat bun she'd worn for years. She looked up for a moment, but after that she hammered the dagger point at some hinge and a section of the cage made a clanging noise that was seconds late in coming and before it dissolved back into the Fade.
Lunging out of the cage, I nearly squeezed Hawke against me. It felt like days and days since I'd seen her.
Her hug was fierce too, but she pulled away a little before she turned back to the spirits. “Justice, think. Why couldn't you return to the Fade after Blackmarsh?”
The shouting paused, and the spirit shrank a little becoming armored again in a familiar black.
“The Baroness forced the mortals outside where they belonged: the Commander, the dwarf, the archer, and the mage.” Justice sounded almost puzzled as he tried to understand something.
I wanted to smile a little, I was back to being 'the mage' again. He'd been frustrated by my interest in the finer things in life.
“
They did nothing to truly free the mages, despite their more favored place in that land. That ruler refused to let the Chantry and Circles be crushed as they deserve.” The other spirit was still mostly a column of Fade energy, a dark and bloody red instead of seeming blue plate. Vengeance was still larger than us.
“Kinloch improved.” I couldn't believe I was defending a Circle for anything. “They didn't try to keep me after my lectures and there were very few Templars there.”
“
Your freedom means nothing when they kill and harrow so many mages. They declare their Chant, and merit death. They cause death and pain, and they merit death. They stand by and do nothing, and merit death...” He sounded almost like Justice.
Maybe Hawke was bored but her attention was on Justice, who now looked more like he had at the Vigil. “You were stuck there, right? She wanted you stuck there, why hasn’t that ended? This is where spirits are supposed to be. Her spell to keep you should have ended, right? Why didn't it?”
Both Justice and Vengeance lost definition briefly. The area of the Fade we were in, wavered briefly, and the ground shook.
“The Baroness was a blood mage, linked to a powerful demon who cannot be truly destroyed there. She wanted revenge on Justice and exiled him, but it never ended.” I had the pieces for years, but was distracted by other things and thinking I was the main source of his change.
I looked at Vengeance. “You are her pawn, still tied to a petty woman's petty revenge.”
Vengeance laughed for the very first time in my hearing, sounding like the roaring of a forge and crackling of a hundred fireballs.
“No, mortal. She dealt with many like me but her desire for vengeance on one of the mewling spirits was too delicious a task to turn down when she offered it. Corrupting him was amusing and you both came to agree with so many of my suggestions and bits of knowledge and lore. All I had to do was feed you more energy from the Fade when I whispered through the spirit and you were convinced that you were righteous and just. If we had stayed in that city, they too, would have used the blood. Mortals so easily are persuaded that their cause will excuse any action of blood and vengeance...” That was almost like a fist slamming into my stomach like some Templar's smite. I.. we might have done that. That was part of why I tried so very hard to not let Vengeance out, things like that bloodbath in Halamshiral.
The demon cast a glance off to the side.
“Whispering to other mortals of the sweetness of revenge on a brother's betrayal or avenging a willing martyr, even as the mage and the weak spirit wallowed in guilt for what I caused, those were fine diversions. Kirkwall was a never-ending feast of revenge for one such as I... So many want vengeance in return and I will continue to grow in power...” The glow and echo in his voice was far too familiar to me and I worried what that meant to my magic if I had to fight here. Then I realized that I had barely any magic and this was moving towards combat with the weight of a cave-in down in the Deep Roads.
-- x x --
Hawke: The pieces of Anders were in a confrontation, and it looked like Vengeance was the most powerful piece. He didn't look like the ugliness of pride or sloth demons, more like the enraged Warden I loved, with some of the cleverness in manipulation of a desire demon or power of a pride one.
Did that reflect that I was proud of him and desired him?
Anders seemed horrified. Justice showed little reaction either, but they were so quiet without outrage or snarky comments from them that I was afraid they were being controlled.
Vengeance admitted to feeding on the vengeful in Kirkwall in a voice that sounded too like Anders' had at times. Reasonable and passionate, he used the same voice that lulled me to sleep so many times.
I had to look at Anders to be sure he wasn't speaking.
He wasn't.
A strangled cry came from behind us and arrows flew past me. Sebastian was at the edge of the Blackmarsh clearing around the mansion, his armor a great contrast against the dim and green swampland, almost a beacon in this dark corner of the Fade.
Vengeance roared again. Other spirits... no, they were demons of rage and pride emerged into the clearing from the ground or maybe even the air of the Fade.
I moved forward, trying to decide what would hurt a Vengeance demon. There were no camp or inn tales about those demons and how best to defeat them. Nor could I ask my expert on demons who was the most help against other demons, because of Justice.. Vengeance.. whatever.
Anders hadn't moved during my first attack. Justice hadn't either, though he now had a great sword that seemed to go with his armor. They seemed frozen, even quivering with wanting to move.
Vengeance was moving closer though with a nasty smile. I couldn't like that Vengeance was glowing red like that damned lyrium, but now the red was like blood, beginning to seep out onto his skin like some damned blood mage.
What had he done to them? Seeing something that looked like my love like that, made me feel as if I had failed.
Sebastian was attacking the lesser demons when Anders started a shout that didn't end. Then his skin burst out with blood before he sank to his knees with a moan
I wanted to go to over Anders, but Vengeance attacked me using spell after spell, casting much too quickly fire and unknown spells. I had to fight him
now. Anders stood now with a horrible laugh, with blood dripping from his carmine teeth and blood swirled up around him as he cast a cold spell on Sebastian.
My heart burnt to a cinder.
I was too late.. too late... Sebastian attacked Vengeance, calling to the Maker. Turning back to Anders, he was back on his knees virtually clean of any blood but very minor injuries. Something wasn't right, but I didn't know enough to identify what magic had been done.
Trying to see what really was happening, I saw Sebastian was being attacked with an ice spell by Vengeance, but avoided it by some trickery so the demon missed.
Justice charged forward, but his attacks were avoided easily by the larger spirit. Or disturbingly, they were just plain ignored.
I heard Anders chanting again, as I was nearly frozen solid by an ice spell from Vengeance. Nothing happened from Anders' spell. Swearing, he swung his staff at one of the lesser demons as it attacked him, stabbing it with the end of his staff.
Another blast of heat from one of the other demons spread enough to free me, I breathed clear air for an instant before killing it.
Vengeance laughed, his voice here sounding like Anders, but an Anders that was glorying in the power and pain he was causing. He taunted,
“Never mess with a mage!” When Anders swore, Vengeance turned the dagger and said,
“I was imprisoned with your bindings on me for years, limiting me to only whispers to the foolish and grieving near you. I don't need the blood mage's command now, you merit death for that prison alone.” I was distracted by the near wailing from both Anders and Justice on hearing this, and was caught in a cage that began to shrink in on me as it felt like my blood boiled.
-- x x --
Anders: Inside the Fade, and somehow I could only draw a trickle of energy. That hadn't happened that last time I was in the Fade with the Warden. I could use my staff as a weapon and my weaker spells on the other demons, not on Vengeance.
He taunted me with my own battle cry, and I'd never hated those words before. He was messing with me even here in the Fade. I had thought that it would be almost just if I died, maybe the cycle would end. But I quickly saw how much worse he would be if he was freed.
Hawke cried, piercing me when I saw she was trapped as I had been and her cage began to shrink. I started to run over to her but then my blood felt like it was alive, moving independently in my veins; my thoughts kept moving in little circles, as I tryed to understand.
This was wrong, Vengeance had been using spells I used, before... This was what Velanna used on us; Vengeance was a... blood mage? Unable to move for a moment, I saw that Justice was frozen in ice. Vengeance had learned so much magic and I cast an earth fist at him.
Vines like Merrill's gagged me after I healed Dera, and I couldn't move at all. That I had no trouble breathing and now faced the battle, said Vengeance had something planned.
Hawke smiled weakly at me before trying to lever her Qunari blade against the bars of her cage. But the bars were too close for her to do that, she was near the sometimes fatal end of that spell.
Vengeance was speaking so quietly that I missed it, and he sounded like Sebastian now.
“...He denies the Maker and Andraste in his pride and power, this Kirkwall Magister. He is proud of his destruction. Burning the Grand Cleric, without even the mercy of the sword or the Rites, his burn obliterated her so that you could not mourn her. He has controlled slaves for his convenience and corrupted nobles like the merchant lord and Champion to protect him from the justice of the Tem...” The Starkhaven prince had stopped attacking, his bow held loosely and facing the ground of the Fade. He had turned toward me, but I couldn't argue as the vines gagged me even as I tried to burn them.
“No!” shouted Hawke, with the cage now gone. “If he was that callous and evil, he would not have allowed himself to be beaten nearly to death nor decapitated after Kirkwall. He deserves a second chance as he suffered provocation his entire life. Who in Thedas speaks for the mages who suffer? Andraste pleaded for mercy from the Maker for all of us. Anders is not a Magister with armies and riches and slaves. He healed those forgotten by Hightown in Darktown, asking noth...” Hawke leaped over some vines near one of the drooping trees, trying to get close enough to stop him, but she was being herded and nearly cornered.
Justice was moving forward again, scything through the vegetation that was slowing him as ice rimed the vines and his armor.
I tried to cast a fire spell on the vines holding Hawke, and my only consolation was that we were taxing Vengeance's concentration.
Vengeance was unhurt and getting angry, he didn't bother to speak except to Vael in whispers.
Justice shook his head after a blast and stood upright again, pointing his blade at Vengeance and glowing more brightly again.
“Foul demon! You have severed me from the Fade, and made me forget myself! But I will not bow to your whispers again.” The ground shook and rose up to try to engulf Justice as he sliced downward with a shout I hadn't heard in...
how long? When that wave reached me, a memory of the true Blackmarsh was renewed. He'd used Templar skills, then taught by the Warden's friend in Blackmarsh and Amaranthine, skills that had always made me uneasy for too many reasons. How much of my memory had Vengeance erased?
Hawke cried her anger, her one arm bound against her and she couldn't move. My magic was dead for the moment and I still couldn't even move enough to pull out a lyrium potion.
Vengeance was still speaking to Sebastian, who ignored the rest of us.
Wishing for even a dog's help, I prayed and called for small Fade spirits even if I doubted any were near enough or would listen to me anymore. A pack of mabaris, most looking like Paws or Mouser, swarmed over Vengeance for a matter of seconds.
Hawke was desperately trying to get free, and she'd be unable to fight if she drew Vengeance's magic again. That was only a matter of time, and I had to get free enough to use whatever magic I had.
In that time, Justice changed direction and was almost to where I was trapped. He began slicing through the vines, freeing first one arm and stepped to my other side. I grabbed a potion and raised it to my lips.
“Mage,” Justice grated as he sliced what bound me. “We have little time but we must choose...”
-- x x --
Hawke: “No, don't!” I shouted. My left arm, anchored as Vengeance wanted, just so he could force us to watch his victory, was bleeding in several places from where I'd cut myself free yet again. I yanked free of the loosening vines and tried to rush toward Sebastian, but he was too far away.
Anders had his arm upraised with a vial and no protective magics or even vines to protect his chest. It was an easy shot, one I would have no problem with, an instant kill any assassin could get rich from.
Sebastian was drawing his bow, aiming at Anders for that shot. “Andrast...”
I shouted. “You dumbass! He chose mercy for
you!”
“...ste, guide me!” the archer finished, not even breathing as he concentrated. He took one more breath and then his eyes narrowed as he turned just enough to shoot Vengeance.
Panting and maybe sobbing, I slashed at the last vine looping me back to the tree.
Anders was glowing again and standing alone by himself. I was so glad to hear his voice beginning to chant a spell again.
Vengeance summoned more demons, but they were weaker and we destroyed them quickly now between the three of us. Vengeance was more difficult, he used more spells than Anders had, but soon he stopped moving and seemed as dead as anything seemed here.
Anders stood over him gravely and said,
“He is not truly destroyed here, but he will take time to reform. Without the Baroness, he will be weak for years, maybe generations.” Suddenly, I had to wipe my eyes with my palms.
I had hoped, truly hoped, it would be a permanent split and Anders would be free. I failed.
“You are still responsible for those things you agreed to.” Sebastian told them.
Anders nodded, his eyes had that same electric blue in the depths last seen when we'd rescued Feynriel.
“We have never denied that. You must wake and leave here before others take notice.” I wanted away from here. We'd won over Vengeance but I'd lost too, and all I wanted to do was to cry. I concentrated on the chill of the stone in the hall and the feel of Paws' fur...
Taking a breath, I ached from all my injuries that hadn't really happened. Paws noticed and came over to lick my face. The grit from the Ashes was still in my mouth and I reached for some water. From my sitting position I could see that they hadn't really started to stir yet.
“Hawke, what happened in the Beyond?” Merrill asked, her voice rough from the chanting she'd just ended.
“Justice and Vengeance were separated from Anders. Vengeance was defeated. Vengeance was part of a curse on Justice, I think.” I yawned, as I was exhausted.
Merrill hummed and gathered her supplies.
I bent over, and put my arms around my knees to weep. My hair was long enough that it loosely fell around my face; my new hair tie had been lost. That was fine. Anders no longer controlled his own body again. Even with Vengeance gone, Justice remained... and it was a bitter victory.
When I woke again I was lying alongside Anders, his arms wrapped around me.
I eased away and sat up, feeling a little better.
Anders mumbled something and pulled me back down for a kiss. “We survived, Love. It's only the two of us in here.”
“Does that mean you will give up your war?” Sebastian interrupted with disapproval.
“Sometimes,” Anders sat up and said with a grin and an arm around me.
Doubtful, Vael demanded, “And will your spirit accept council from others, or will he become a demon himself?”
“
I am not a demon, but I have learned that the mage cause is just. Innocents should not be punished along with the guilty, something I had forgotten, as you have, Prince.” Justice did not remove Anders' arm from around me, and actually ran a hand along my bottom.
Anders' face was still the stern mask of Justice, so I wasn't sure what that meant.
“Yet you murdered
innocents.” Sebastian spoke with little mercy.
“We will have to do better, and try to make up for that as much as we can,” Anders admitted. “That we messed up, doesn't mean that the abuse of my fellow mages who are innocent is just. Who makes reparations for sundered families, innocents and children abused and threatened by the Templars and merciless?”
Looking troubled, Sebastian admitted, “Mercy is one of the hardest lessons of the Chant. I shall consider that.”
It looked like Sebastian wasn't going to immediately try to kill us again, so I got up so we could return to the shrine. Merrill stirred as well.
There was a doorway from the Urn hall that led back to the hall where we met the Guardian. When we passed through the last door on that path, the door seemed to merge seamlessly into the rock. I was fascinated to see that there wasn't even the slightest difference in the sound of the door compared to the wall. My dagger could not even find enough of the crack to work on it.
A cough from Sebastian, and he commented, “Perhaps you should leave the Shrine intact, Hawke.”
I could feel my flush. “Sorry, I just wanted to see how it worked.”
“I can see that, Hawke. Leave this to the Guardian and the other protectors if you would.” Sebastian had a faint smile, even if the words were disapproving.
Wiping the bit of stone dust off the Bassrath-Kata, I put it away again. The trip through the night outside and the dragon hatchery didn't take long, we soon were back at the entrance to the pilgrim shrine. With the sisters and brothers mostly asleep, I asked Paws to lead us to Ormonde. He was in private quarters, and asleep.
Sebastian woke him.
We reported the death of a high dragon and Anders pointed out, “The rotting carcass will cause illness when the weather warms, so you might keep those you suspect busy with dispersal until you can get assistance.”
Ormonde looked at him suspiciously. “Thank you, I would not expect that from you.”
“Events are rarely as simple as rumor and official reports cover. The book telling about the Warden's visit here during the Blight is quite inaccurate as well.” There was only a slight blue flash as Anders spoke.
Sebastian and the Templar began to talk Chantry business, and Anders and I leaned against each other with our heads touching. I might get used to just Justice. Merrill stood there, fidgeting a little.
Stifling a yawn, Ormonde said, “I'm sorry, you have fulfilled more than I hoped, let us get that book for you after you rest.”
That seemed like a good idea as that nap hadn't been enough. So we returned to where we'd slept the other night, including my cuddling close to my mage to sleep on a bunk.
When I woke, I was less content after I found a letter from Anders. It sounded like he was about to leave as soon as Sebastian left, and he wished me well. I had to hide my tears, using cold water in the Sister's washroom before the others woke.
After that we ate and donned our lesser, disguised armor so to avoid fights again. We had collected our things left behind including Celebrant, and Merrill got her book from the Mother. We departed by early-afternoon from the outer shrine, I wondered which of the remaining Sisters and Brothers were in the dragon cult.
We made a camp before the early sunset, and I asked while trying to hide my worry, “What now?”
“I must admit I am not pleased that Anders yet lives, but he has faced the Maker's judgment. I have no right to supersede that. I grant only a stay for the mage then, as my oath has ended. Do not think that I will not track him down if he becomes a demon-like menace again.” Sebastian's voice was calm, despite his threat.
I had to sigh. “I'm sorry about your grief, Sebastian, I always understood that.” I stopped before I started another fight because the Grand Cleric became the wrong person for Kirkwall.
The prince looked up at the stars. “I think I need to travel and see what Thedas and the Free Marches are like on my own, and to learn how to do some of the Maker's work... for all his children. I could not hear the Grand Cleric's wisdom when she spoke it.”
“What about your wee one?” Merrill asked him.
“I will return to my family and home presently, but there is more than one way to serve Andraste and Her causes, which were for all, not just her tribe.” Sebastian sounded more content.
I wasn't sure what would happen from that, but it sounded better than his raising an army against the mages. “What will you say about us?”
Sebastian frowned. “I will not lie, so I will give limited truths only if pressed or if I hear of new horrors. You have willingly faced his judgment for yourself or for another.”
“What about battle?” Anders asked.
“The Templars have lost their way, and I will pray with them. Leave the Chantry be, as twisting the Chant into cruelty by Templars is also wrong. Andraste fought the Magisters' oppression but did not tell us to return the same.” Vael seemed uneasy to be saying this non-answer.
Still, Anders smiled slightly. “We will help and protect mages, not the ones who oppress either. Few Sisters harm them... I won't promise not to write rude demands on the walls, though.”
“Paint can be cleaned, no one is harmed.” Sebastian paused, seeming to have trouble speaking for a moment, but finally said, “Hawke, I lied earlier, and I am ashamed that I did not speak the truth; I do trust you and your intentions, even with all that happened. I fear that your intentions may be compromised by your goodwill to those who are not worthy, but I will have to pray until I understand what was revealed here.”
I could only blink at that for a moment, as I never expected that. In complete charity with that coming headache, I leapt forward to hug the prince with my throat tight. “I hope you find kin, we're about the only ones who had them as long as we did.”
Arms sliding around me, Sebastian returned the hug briefly, saying in a choked voice, “We did, didn't we?” He stepped back and spoke carefully.
“Blessed are the righteous, the lights in the shadow. In their blood the Maker's will is written.” I was glad Anders stayed quiet.
“Merrill?” I didn't like saying goodbye to
her, too but she had her own quests.
I didn't.
Where could I go now? Maybe Lothering, to come full circle: I left with my mother, sister, and brother, and would return to my father's memorial with only my mabari.
She smiled easily. “I have the lore I needed for the Keeper's demand: legends, magecraft, and even language. We will again be more of what we lost.” Holding the Dalish language book, she added a little sadly, “I wish to return to Sabrae and plant a tree for Tamlen as well.”
While I worried about her use of blood magic, she still served others with goodwill not malice. “I'll miss you, Merrill.” I didn't want to start weeping so I added with a grin, “I'm not sure I have the hair dye down yet.”
That got me a tiny glare from Sebastian, but after our interactions with Ormonde he couldn't say we were unrelenting menaces to those of the Chantry.
She laughed. “Hawke, I'm not sure that will matter for long. The Dark Wolf and change follow you, wherever you go. Will you flee or embrace it?”
“I flee angry people with sharp and pointy things when I can.” I glanced at Anders and Sebastian for an instant. “Change only happens when people are are able to see the need and are ready for it.”
Anders smiled briefly and nodded.
After that, we pooled what alcohol we had and drank it, talking about Kirkwall and nicer things that had happened there before we settled for the night. In the morning I dawdled in packing up our things. The sky threatened snow in the near future, and I was going to let the other two outpace us.
Anders looked at me once we'd said farewell to the others, his eyes crinkled with worry. “Hawke... Dera. You have been too quiet, what's wrong? We don't have to worry about any more armies from him and it's just us and our pets now.”
“I found your farewell letter, how long do I have left?” I had trouble getting the words out.
“What?” Shock colored his face for a moment. “No, Hawke. No! Until my Calling, like I said in the shrine. That letter was in case I did not survive. Justice has agreed that we are like Kristoff and Aura. I can be a mage, lover, and even a Gray Warden sometimes.”
That was an improvement, but I had hoped so much...
Taking my hand, Anders seemed to struggle to find something to say. “Love, I'm sorry that I can't be yours alone. We cannot be separated, my magic and his spirit are too intertwined now, that was why we became so helpless in the Fade after the Ashes cleaved us. I want you to be happy, but this respite from the war with the Templars and Chantry cannot last lorever. I will need to rejoin that in some way, over and over, until we are all free.” He looked down. “I... we... he. Even if some things will be better, I know you would be more sane to leave us for a normal life with marriage and family. Please stay with us anyway.”
Happily brushing his stubble before kissing him, I didn't bother saying it. He'd been warning me for years now, no one could honestly say that he hadn't. Anders' arms swept around me as I ran my fingers through his braids and he kissed me hard enough that my breath got faint and neck sore from his attentions.
Now I was clinging because I wasn't sure my legs would support me. “Anders? Anders,” I managed to gasp while I looked at him.
At first all I got was a distracted hum, but then he lifted his head from my neck and was panting as much as I. “Yes, Love?”
I wanted to tease him a little. “Am I going to hear that letter you wrote me in bits and pieces over the next few months? I wasn't entirely sure when you intended me to read it, after the Ashes or if you left after then...” I couldn't prevent myself from sounding a little forlorn as I said that.
“No, Hawke, not that.” His eyes flashed with the blue lightning before becoming brown again. “I guess it wasn't one of my better pieces of writing.”
I had to shake my head and smile. “No, it wasn't clear. What does Justice remaining mean for us?”
“He...
I was fond of Kristoff's wife. That did not prevent his service unto his death, so I have no reason to think Anders is any different.” Justice was simply explaining and not angry at all.
“So you won't interfere now?” I found my hope was rising again.
A stiff smile crossed Anders' face.
“No. We are one.” His embrace shifted lower to lift me up, fingers finding the edges of my armor, making me chirp as he used a touch of magic.
I couldn't believe he.. they did that. “Ohh, who should I be smacking for that?”
Anders' eyes became brown again as he smirked and repeated Justice's words.
This time when I could breathe again, I boxed their ears.
“What was
that for?” Anders asked after a moment.
“For not actually answering my question and being a sneak. Justice really doesn't need to learn that.” I was partly annoyed that rebuttals were harder without separating.
Smirking, Anders let me down and traced my cheeks. “I really should have told you how much I love your tattoos, Hawke. I somehow forgot. Yours are noble-looking and almost look like a stylized beak here on the side.”
That had been strange, and I had to ask. “So you were like him?”
Looking rueful, Anders admitted, “Yes, and worse. I was determined to enjoy all the freedoms of a Warden as soon as I realized. I would have tried my best to get all of you into my bed.” His grin became a leer, “All at once actually, I liked a challenge.”
“Good luck with Vael. I still have trouble believing that he has a bastard.” Taking Anders' hand, I tugged and we set off downhill together.
We had all day and all winter to spend with each other now.
We traveled slowly looking to go further south to find a village in the hills where we could stay the winter. Anders, or Justice at least, didn't seem upset that the six months would be extended. We had winter to rest and heal after the defeat of Vengeance, just the two or three of us.
Things were quiet when two mercenaries and their mabari took a room at Bandit and Dog Inn in Hallowdingle for the winter. Anders insisted we go there when he heard the name of the village.
--- x ---
A/N: Thanks for reading this tale of a Hawke and Anders after Kirkwall, I hope that you enjoyed the ride. There will be another story posted after a brief rest, a continuation written during NaNo 2011. Thanks to my beta readers who have been kind enough to read this and point out stupid flubs. Any typos that remain are not intentional... Reviews or a PM to let me know what you think would be very appreciated.
