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the Project	By : theLureln Category: +M through R > Magic: The Gathering Views: 11901 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Magic the Gathering characters or settings, anything else is mine. This story is not being written for profit.

Chapter List
- 1-the Project
- 2-Two
- 3-Three
- 4-Four
- 5-Five
- 6-Six
- 7-Seven
- 8-Eight
- 9-Nine
- 10-10
- 11-Eleven
- 12-Twelve
- 13-Thirteen
- 14-Fourteen
- 15-15
- 16-16
- 17-17
- 18-18
- 19-19
- 20-20
- 21-21
- 22-22
- 23-23
- 24-24
- 25-25
- 26-26
- 27-27
- 28-28
- 29-29
- 30-30
- 31-31
- 32-32
- 33-33
- 34-34
- 35-35
- 36-36
- 37-37
- 38-38
- 39-39
- 40-40
- 41-41
- 42-42
- 43-43
- 44-44
- 45-45
- 46-46
- 36
- 37
- 38
Jace made his way home from Lorissa’s place in a daze. He could have teleported all the way there but instead he chose to walk so he could try and marshal his frazzled thoughts. He felt enervated and elated at once; the conflicting sensations a direct result of what had just taken place. He’d used his powers on a woman to convince her she was dreaming and then he’d proceeded to have sex with her. It had been one of the most incredible and intimate fucks he’d ever had; it had also been immoral in spite of how much he’d grown to care for her.
She’d had no chance to consent; even if he knew in her mind she wanted him it still didn’t make what had happened right. Had he just raped her? He wasn’t sure, but he suspected that he had. It didn’t matter that she liked it or that she wanted him; he had taken away her choice. He hated when choices were taken away from him. He had spent his entire life being used and lied to; part of him despised the thought that he might have done that to her. Although he hadn’t used her; his feelings for her were as sincere as they were confusing.
It had been a long time since he had felt so drawn to someone, which was crazy given how little they knew of each other. In some ways, it reminded him of when he had first met Liliana. He had fallen for her fast and hard; heedless of the red flags he should have seen from a mile away. The time they had spent together in those early days had been perfect; they were brought ever closer by their shared experiences until he was completely fooled by her. And he knew how well that had ended; the pain and betrayal following him for years. He’d lost his ability to trust over the passing of time as one disappointment bled into another, but it was matters of the heart that had struck the deepest blows. Now even when he established connections with others, he held a large part of himself back. His sense of self preservation was too strong to allow for anything else; experience had taught him that being reliant on others was dangerous.
Part of him was desperate to trust again. He craved the closeness he remembered from his younger days. The happiness of sharing himself with someone else. He lived with loneliness daily and he used his adventures during Walking to try and banish it. But he couldn’t hide from himself. He had no one he could fully confide in; no one he felt at peace with. There was no one he could share his fears and longings with. When sadness and doubt became overwhelming, there was no one to lean on. Every time he had tried to connect with another person that way, they had either been killed or turned against him. Each incident had cut his soul until now it was bleeding and scarred.
Did he really want to take a chance again with Lorissa? Did he want to open himself up to the possibility of pain again? He wasn’t sure he could survive another betrayal or heartbreak; each time he had pulled himself back together but he had lost a piece of himself until he was beginning to feel increasingly hollow. He might shatter if he took the risk of revealing himself to someone and failed again.
Lorissa was also weak and vulnerable. For most people that wouldn’t be such a concern, since the average individual led a relatively stable if mundane life. For someone like Jace, who walked across the multiverse and had a trail of adversaries a mile long, it was an issue that mattered. He had come to believe if he ever had a life long partner; it would need to be someone who could stand beside him against his enemies. Unfortunately his foes were so powerful, that companion would have to be as well. While he didn’t doubt that she was a loyal woman who would do what she could to protect the one she loved, she had no magic. She was physically a small and slender female. She did have a formidable mind, but that wouldn’t be enough to protect her or him. From a purely survivalist point of view, he should end this thing with her now before they went any further.
But as soon as the thought popped into his head, he immediately pushed it away, his stomach roiling with nausea and his chest tight. She was a ray of light in his darkness, warm and elusive but still inspiring hope. She made him laugh, shout, shake with equal parts desire and frustration. To banish that from his life would be intolerable. He wasn’t certain he was even capable of doing it, given how he kept coming back to her again and again. He couldn’t say if it was the woman herself or his reactions to her that kept him returning. Maybe he just liked the way he was when he was with her, the loneliness fading away when they were together.
He knew that even though he was wildly attracted to her, it wasn’t just the sex that had him spinning in circles. He was drawn to the warmth he felt growing inside of himself when he was with her. After so many years of guarded isolationism where he repressed his emotions, he’d grown to feel as if he was encased in ice. A tomb of his own making, effectively killing off the vulnerable side of him to protect himself. It had been less frightening to build that wall than wonder if there was something wrong with him, some reason that he could never find and keep genuine love.
Jace had been through many things in his short life; a great deal of which he couldn’t recall thanks to his own choices. He had faced powerful enemies and incalculable odds and triumphed. He had suffered from sorrow and felt fear numerous times and persevered. But it seemed that the one being that was the most difficult for him to surmount was himself.
He was most likely obsessed with Lorissa; the hows and whys he couldn’t explain and he had decided to give up trying. She made him feel. Intensely. To the point where rationality and even morals to an extent simply ceased to matter. His responses to her were almost entirely instinctual and reckless; more often than not he regretted his decisions later. And he couldn’t even blame her for it; she did nothing whatsoever to entice him. They ran into one another at random or he sought her out. It was as if he couldn’t stay away. He couldn’t deny his attraction to her bordered on unhealthy.
Part of him wondered if it was because he couldn’t seem to have her. Oh, she slept with him quite willingly but she was guarded and cautious otherwise. He hadn’t realized how much of her personality she kept hidden from him until recently; being around her in disguise as Ceren and then later in her “dream” had revealed to him another side to her completely. She was funny, interested in other people’s perspectives and experiences and flirtatious; something he hadn’t really witnessed from her before. It was as if she had walls of her own; perhaps she kept a distance from everyone because she was incapable of magic and knew that made her different than many other people on Ravnica. She most likely had her own sort of loneliness to deal with, so would be understanding of his own. The realization seemed to pull him even deeper into her control. Then again her being unobtainable wasn’t anything new to his dating life, neither Liliana nor Emmara had fallen at his feet; he was used to not getting the girl in the end.
Whatever it was, she also brought out things in him that he didn’t like nor want to accept. He abused his power repeatedly in his pursuit of her when he liked to believe he walked the straight path for the most part. He lost his head around her all the time when he normally believed himself to be cool and rational in a crisis. He failed to think out his decisions when he generally prided himself on being a master planner. He rashly carried out actions without discretion when he considered himself a strategic implementer. He didn’t recognize himself around her; or maybe it was more accurate to say he saw something in himself when he was with her that he hadn’t in a long time. Something that made him uncomfortable and on edge. The careful construct of himself that he’d spent so long hiding behind cracked a little more around the edges each time he was with her.
Yet despite all this, he still wanted her. He felt alive in her company; the stagnation that threatened to overwhelm him vanished when he was with her. As much as the negative aspects of his personality alarmed him, he was also intrigued by what he found in himself when he was with her. He felt at once freed and enslaved by her presence; the dichotomy strangely appealing. Perhaps it was because he couldn’t lie to himself or control his honest responses. No one wanted to admit to their flaws and Jace had pride to spare, but after hiding his emotions for so long it was almost a relief to be fallible around her. It was as if his true self emerged; both the good and the bad. And that was terrifying. The pain she could inflict on him had the potential to be ruinous.
As he fell in love with her, it could destroy him.
If, he corrected himself, a chill running down his spine. If he fell in love with her.
- 36
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