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Vhenan'ara	By : Arcanis_Born Category: +A through F > Dragon Age (all) > Dragon Age (all) Views: 6576 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from this.

Chapter List
- 38
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- 40
Dragon Age: Origins is owned by Bioware, as with all its characters, the story as it deviates from canon is mine, however, as with the personalities of characters as they deviate from those in the game.
Please do tell me what you think so far of the story! I would love to know your opinions!
Thank you all so much for your continued readership! It means so much!
Translations:
Da'len: Elvhen. "Little child, or little one."

Counter parry. Slash. Beat parry. Riposte. Disengage.
Counter parry. Slash. Beat parry. Riposte. Disengage.
Small chunks of bark and inner wood went flying past him as Zevran repeatedly went through the form. The tree before him showed the deep cuts of his strikes, and soon he would need to find a new one. Another tree to work his anger and frustration out on. Unfortunately the target that he truly wanted to slice his blades into was not an option, no matter how badly Zevran wished otherwise.
Sweat glistened on his forehead and dripped down his back as Zevran imagined the face of his adversary on the tree bark before him. Countless times his mind had gone through the multitude of ways that he wished he could end the man's life. A slip of the blade. A poisoning of food or drink. At night while he slept. During the day while they travelled. At rest. While fighting other enemies. Every moment laid out before Zevran as a temptation that the killer side of him salivated at.
Yet he couldn't. No matter how much he wanted to. No matter how much the bastard deserved it. Not yet, at least. When this was done, though. When his Warden no longer needed him…
Zevran stopped suddenly, heaving great breathes.
She wasn't his Warden anymore, was she?
He had made sure of that. No, not the Templar. Even though Zevran wanted to lay the blame for everything solely at his feet, the truth wasn't so friendly to him. The truth was, that he, Zevran, was the cause of the pain that now sliced through his heart as surely as his blades sliced through flesh.
Not just his own heart, either. Perhaps if it was just his own misery, Zevran would be able to handle that. To be the only one who suffered under the immense weight of inner pain and turmoil that now suffocated him. Perhaps if it was just him who now struggled to survive under the crushing weight of his mistakes.
However, fate was never so kind. At least not to him. And even less so to his lovely Warden.
The Warden. Not his. Not anymore. Cursing, Zevran restarted his dagger form against the tree beside him.
Counter parry. Slash. Beat parry. Riposte. Disengage.
Two nights had passed for him this way. Travelling each day until darkness was almost upon them before Riel finally calling for a camp. Each morning things were packed up quickly as soon as morning meal was done. There had been little talking, and even less banter. A pall of sadness laid heavily on all of them, silencing even the more boisterous members of their group. The newly added Oghren would sometimes make an off comment before being threatened by either Morrigan or Leliana. Shale would complain as she usually did when not fighting, making Sten groan in frustration. Wynne with her usual calm quietness as she smiled sadly at them all. And Alistair….
If there was one thing to be thankful for, at least that idiot seemed just as miserable as Zevran was.
Only on the third night of camp did Riel set up her own tent. The first few nights since leaving Orzammar choosing instead to sleep in either Morrigan's or Leliana's tent. And only when the other women were busy taking a shift on watch for the group. As soon as they returned, Riel would awaken either take a turn at watch or move to the central fire, where she would sit silently for the remainder of the night.
Zevran would watch her often. Hidden in the shadows. Making sure that she wasn't harassed by the others. Making sure she was safe. He may have lost his claim on her, but she was still his to protect. In truth, she was never his to claim, though. She was always free when it came to him. Her affections given freely if she so chose. Withheld if she deemed instead. The fact that Riel had chosen to share her affections with the likes of him a miracle. One he was clearly not worthy of.
Sleep was near impossible for him. Each night collapsing out of sheer exhaustion than a desire to rest. After making sure that she was safe, Zevran would disappear into the woods or plains of where they camped, where he would train his skills. Imagining them being used on the only target of his anger other than himself. And when Zevran felt as if he could no longer stand, he made his slow way back to camp where he would check on Riel one last time before falling down somewhere out of the way and letting the bleakness of sleep claim him.
Sleep and food were a thing that he did not out of desire. Those few times that Zevran tended to his own needs were not for himself. He kept up his strength with food and sleep not because he desired them. But because Riel needed his strength. His focus. His blades as he struck out at those who would seek to cause her harm.
For her, he would fight, as he always had. For she might no longer be his. Yet he would always be hers.

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"Riel, you need to eat."
Riel kept her eyes on the blade she was polishing. Not that it needed it. Creators knew these past few days have resulted in the best cleaned armor and daggers that have ever been seen, surely. The tedious task filling up Riel's time as she fought against the images of her mind. The awful whispers she heard in the Deep Roads may be mostly quiet now, yet other images now haunted the young elf. Images of golden skin and honey eyes. Memories that she no longer felt sure of filled her mind. The truth of them escaping her in the cloud of her mind, as the images clouded her vision.
"I am not hungry, Leliana," Riel replied flatly, her eyes still on the blade in her lap.
"Bullshit!"
Riel looked up, startled at the bard's sudden outburst. While not unheard of, Leliana rarely swore so violently. At least while not in battle. The outburst was out of place compared to the woman's normally jovial and upbeat personality, and it threw Riel off.
In a huff, Leliana sat down next to Riel and placed the bowl of stew to the side. She then reached over and took the blade and polishing cloth right from Riel's hands and placed them to the side before taking the stew and placing it in her now empty hands.
"You need to eat Riel. That isn't a suggestion, by the way."
Riel stared at the woman in disbelief. "Leliana! What has gotten into you?" she exclaimed, her eyes narrowing on her friend.
"You have! And not just you, either! This whole nonsense has gone on for far too long!" Leliana spat out as she returned her friend's glare before sighing deeply. "You don't think I have been watching you? That we all have been watching? That we do not know how you suffer?"
"I am not a da'len Leliana! I can take care of myself!" Riel angrily spat back.
"You're right. You can. The fact that you have survived so much proves such. Yet you don't have to, Riel. Something that I still think you have to learn."
"What do you want of me, Lei?" Riel countered, exasperation in her voice. "Everyday I get us and lead this group. I set watch schedules. I make plans for routes. I make sure we are organized when we have to fight. And every night I make sure we are camped in a safe spot, where I make the plans for the next day. I have led this group as I should have. As a Grey Warden should. As any leader should. What more do you want of me?" Riel felt tears fall down her face and cursed them, wiping her gloved hand roughly across her cheek.
Leliana huffed deeply and took hold of Riel's arm, getting a startled reaction out of her. Pulling her arm away, Riel glared at her friend. "Give me your arm, Riel. Now," Leliana ordered. The anger in Riel's eyes quickly fled, replaced instead with grief and shame. Inwardly cursing to herself, Riel offered her arm back to the bard and braced herself.
Sighing, Leliana gently took the offered limb and began to carefully unwrap the leather that Riel had tightly wound around her arm from her wrist to her shoulder. Underneath the tanned fabric, red and inflamed skin was slowly revealed. The result of Riel's now daily ritual of scrubbing her skin raw every morning before the others woke up.
"Sweetie…" Leliana gasped softly, looking down at Riel's skin. "Why do you do this to yourself?"
Riel took her arm back and cradled it in her lap. Her sad eyes fixed on the redness that covered her arm. She was at a loss at how to explain the feelings that roared within her. She didn't even understand them herself, honestly. The swirl of emotions that built and swelled, twisting her insides and leaving her even more raw on the inside than the skin of her arms was on the outside.
"I'm tainted, Leliana," she finally said, keeping her eyes on her arm.
"The Darkspawn taint? That doesn't change who you are, Riel."
"Not just that," sighed Riel. "Cursed. Beyond the Darkspawn taint. Beyond being a Grey Warden. Before even meeting Duncan and going to Ostagar, I was cursed."
"I don't understand."
"Bad things always happen to me, no matter how hard I try to be good. How hard I try to do the right thing." Riel took was quiet for a moment before taking a breath for strength. "My parents died somehow. Years before I even remember. I was kept by… men…"
"Riel…." Leliana gasped, tears forming in her own eyes.
"I spent years with them. Bad things happened. Horrible things," Riel stopped to wiped at her eyes before continuing. "But I eventually managed to escape. That's when the Dalish found me. And they took me in, even with how damaged I was."
Leliana didn't have to ask what Riel meant by 'damaged'. Some things were plain even without words to describe them.
"The Keeper was kind to me. Even with how angry I always was. She helped me. Taught me to read. Taught me to write a little, too. Yet no matter much she tried, I was still so very angry." Riel went silent again for a few breathes as she gathered her thoughts. "There was a boy. Tamlen. Unlike some of the other boys, he was nice to me. He didn't avoid me no matter how many times I yelled at him or cursed at him," she smiled sadly, remembering.
"One day while out hunting, a couple of humans came upon us. When Tamlen confronted them, the two humans went on about some sort of ruins close by. Said they even held actual Dalish writings!"
"Did they?" Leliana asked, knowing how much the Dalish craved for pieces of their long forgotten past.
"I didn't give them much time to explain," Riel continued, her voice dropping in sadness. "It had been three years since I had last seen a human, yet all the anger and fear that had built in me over what my old masters did to me rushed forward in that moment. I sneaked behind one of them, and when he was distracted by Tamlen, I slit his filthy shemlen throat!"
Leliana gasped, her hand coming to mouth, yet still she said nothing. The anger and satisfied wrath that shined in Riel eyes as she recounted spoke loudly enough of Riel's mind frame at that moment.
"When I killed one of them, Tamlen shot the other one to protect me," she continued, her voice and expression going softer again. "He wanted to return to the Keeper and tell her what happened. Yet I was so stubborn. I had fought with the Keeper that morning, upset that she insisted on sending Tamlen with me. I didn't want help. Especially from…."
"A man?" Leliana ventured, getting a nod from Riel in response.
"I thought that maybe if there was ruins, I could bring back something to apologize to the Keeper. I was so angry when I left that day, yet like always it wasn't really her that I was angry at. Who I was really angry at was myself. For being this way…."
Leliana picked up the polishing cloth she had taken away earlier and gave it to Riel, who smiled sadly at her before using it to wipe at her eyes and nose.
"I convinced Tamlen to come with me, and together we searched the area for hours yet didn't find anything. I was almost about to give up when I felt the ground beneath me give away. If it wasn't for Tamlen's quick acting, I would have fallen down through the hole into the forgotten room below."
"He saved you?"
Riel nodded sadly. "And I punched him for it…" she laughed softly, remembering.
"I still remember the time that you nearly landed Alistair on the healer's bed back in Lothering," Leliana giggled.
"Yeah well, Alistair deserved that. Tamlen didn't," smiled Riel, before her features went dark again. "Again Tamlen wanted to go back, but I was stubborn, intent on finding something for the Keeper to apologize. Not caring whether he followed or not, I made some torches and went down into the room." Riel thought then about the strange calling she had felt. The whispers on the air that seemed to pull her deeper inside the old ruins. "Once inside, it was if I could something calling out to me. Calling me. Like the whispers of the Archdemon, but different. Older. They pulled me deeper into the ruins, until I came across these giant metal and wooden doors. Standing there, I knew that whatever was calling to me was behind the those doors."
"Did you go inside?"
Riel nodded sadly. "Even though he disagreed, Tamlen helped me open the doors. He was always like that. Helping me do things, even when I was mean to him. Which was a lot," she smiled sadly, wiping at her eyes again. "Stupid, stupid boy…! He should have gone back to the Keeper. Gone and told them what we had found. Instead he stayed with me, even when I cursed at him!"
"I think he cared for you," ventured Leliana softly.
"Yeah, well… That's the problem, isn't it?" Riel replied bitterly.
"What do you mean?"
Sighing, she continued on with her memories. "In the room was a mirror. It was beautiful. With wooden frame shaped to look like vines and leaves. It even had gems decorating it that sparkled from the light of our torches. Yet despite how beautiful the frame was, it was the mirror itself that held me. The voices that had whispered to me since entering the ruins seemed to echo out from behind the glass. Bringing me closer…. Telling me to touch it…"
Riel stopped in her story, remembering that moment when her fingertips were just a breath away from touching the glass. When time seemed to stand still and all that existed was her and the mirror. For that single heartbeat in time, Riel felt a connection forming, touching her soul. An echo of something that resonated deep within her very being, calling out to her from beyond time and space. For that one single breath, Riel felt as if finally everything made sense. Her pain, her sorrow, her confusion of her place in the world…. It was gone, replaced by a peace that she had never felt before. And that had probably scared her even more than what happened next. In a blink, it was gone. The sense of connection. The feeling of peace. Lost to the dark corruption that was the Taint.
"What happened when you touched the mirror?" Leliana asked, pulling Riel back to her story.
"I didn't touch it. Before I could, the room we were in suddenly filled with demons and shades."
"Maker! What happened?"
"Tamlen and I had tried fighting them. Creators, I tried. But there was too many of them. I was knocked against a wall, and when I looked up, I saw one of the demons…." Riel stopped, a sob erupting from her chest. "Oh Leliana! They killed him! They killed Tamlen!"
"Andraste no! Oh Riel!" Leliana cried, her own tears falling.
The two women cried together, Leliana grieving for her friend's loss, and Riel lost in her own feelings of shame and regret. For several minutes they took comfort in each other's presence before Riel regained enough of herself to continue.
"That was the second time I used my magic to defend myself. The first was when I escaped my masters. It wasn't something that I meant to do. Like before, it just happened. It came on it's own. The fire that I have. And with it, I burned each and every one of the demons and shades until nothing was left."
"Like how Wynne described you burned that spider queen."
Riel nodded. "And like with the spiders, when the fire left me, so did all of my energy. I just collapsed, unable to move or even blink."
"How did you get back to your clan?"
"Duncan," smiled Riel, her sadness lifting a bit as she remembered the kind, stoic human who saved her. "The Grey Warden who recruited me. He was visiting my clan, looking for people to join the Wardens. Somehow he had come across the same ruins that Tamlen and I had found. I guess he sensed the Taint inside, and followed it thinking it might lead to Darkspawn. However, the only thing he found was me, alone in the room with the mirror."
"What of Tamlen?"
"Duncan said there was only me. No other bodies. Not even charred remains."
"So Duncan rescued you. But what of the mirror?"
"Before he carried me out of the ruins, Duncan smashed it. It was the source of the Taint he had sensed. And… so was I."
"The Taint transferred to you?" Leliana asked in a gasp.
Riel nodded sadly. "I was dying. The Keeper tried to help me, but the medicine she gave me would only prolong the inevitable. The only thing that might save me was to leave with Duncan, and go to Ostagar. There, he would attempt to make a Grey Warden. An act that by itself might kill me. However, I was dead anyway. Either the Taint would kill me, or the Joining would."
"That wasn't much of a choice."
"I've learned that 'choices' are only for the lucky," Riel stated with a bitter smile. "The only choice I had - the only choice that I've ever had - was to stay alive. And so I did. I survived. When the two other recruits who took the Joining with me died. When almost everyone at Ostagar died." Riel absently fiddled with the cloth in her hands as a tear fell down her cheek. "Even when Tamlen died, I survived."
"None of that was your fault, Riel."
"Maybe," she shrugged in response. "Yet no matter where I go, death follows me. Because of my choices, people have suffered. People have died. And depending on what I choose in future, many more could die. I am cursed, Leliana. And it's just a matter of time before one of you die because of me, as well."
"Oh sweetie... The Blight is to blame for those things, not you! Loghain abandoned the field, not you!"
"I almost got you killed in the Deep Roads, Leliana!" Riel cried out, meeting her friend's eyes for the first time since they began speaking.
"And you saved me. And Zevran. And Morrigan. And everyone else. It was because of you that we made it out the Deep Roads altogether. You were the one who killed Branka and stopped the golems that she controlled."
"Yet because of my decision, Harrowmont and Dulin are dead! Probably more too, considering how many supported him."
"That is on Bhelen, not you."
"What if more of my decisions get people killed? By the Void, Alistair and Zevran are about ready to kill themselves over me. Me! A stupid elven ex slave who was dumb enough to get herself tainted and yet somehow survive the Joining!"
"They both love you, Riel. Even Alistair, with his foolish behavior, in his own way loves you," Leliana stated softly, a sad twinge to her voice.
"What if I don't want to be loved, Leliana?" she exclaimed with tears in her eyes. "Creators, I don't even know what love is!"
"If you do not know what it is, then how do you know that you do not want it?"
"Because all it does is hurt," Riel bitterly cried. "Look at me and Zevran! Look at what we went through in the Deep Roads! Look at what is happening now! We finally find some peace with this death sentence over me, and I find out that he was planning on handing me over to the Crows as soon as we reached Denerim!"
"By the Maker, you can't honestly believe that Riel!"
"I don't know what I believe, Leliana! I don't know anymore! All I know is that I have this curse... this… this Taint inside of me!" exclaimed Riel, lifting up her arms for emphasis. "And no matter how much I wash or how hard I scrub, the dirt and filth of it all… of my past, of what happened to me, of what I am and what is waiting for me… It won't go away!"
"Riel listen to me! Listen!" Leliana almost shouted as she took her friend's hands in her own to still her. "None of us care about any of that. Least of all Zevran. He loves you, sweetie. He has loved you since the very beginning. And even though he has made mistakes, nothing I have ever seen him do has been with the intent to hurt you. Everything has ever done - from the moment you brought him back to the camp that first day to this mistake with the letter - all of it has been because he has been trying to protect you."
"How do you know, though?"
Leliana lightly pointed to Riel's chest. "What does your heart say, Riel?"
"It says…. that I love him."
"Then that is all that matters. The Maker brought you two together for a reason, Riel. And while the Maker's ways are his own, I trust in him. You and Zevran are meant to be together. Or the very blind or the very foolish do not see that," Leliana stated, putting special emphasis on 'foolish'.
"But Leliana, I have made such a mess of things already!"
"Do you love him?"
"I just told you I did!"
"Then go to him, Riel. Tell him. Explain to him how you feel. How he makes you feel. Hold nothing back, and trust in the Maker. Or perhaps, in your case, the Creators," Leliana corrected herself with a soft laugh.
Riel knew she was right. As hard and confusing as everything was, there was one thing that Riel knew for certain. Beyond all of her pain and hurt, she loved him. And despite everything that had happened between them, she knew that he loved her too. Because as with everything in Riel's life - there just wasn't any other option. Not with what she knew to be true in her heart. What she felt down to her very soul. There just was no other option that didn't scream out the very real fact of how the two of them felt about each other. She had just let her own doubts and fears get in the way of what she knew to be true.
"Leliana! Thank you!" Riel exclaimed, launching herself at her friend and wrapping her arms around her shoulders.
"You are very welcome," Leliana beamed, returning the tight embrace. "No go find him! I have to go tell Morrigan that she doesn't need to poison him after all!" she laughed.
Riel kissed Leliana's cheek, surprising the bard, before quickly standing and taking off in the direction she had watched Zevran go earlier in the evening.
Leliana watched after her friend, smiling broadly. Yet, as their conversation repeated in her mind, a twinge of sadness began to echo in her heart. Telling Riel that love was all that mattered was easy when both people shared the same love. However, her advice was so much harder to follow when the feelings only travelled one way. Sighing deeply, Leliana wondered if she would ever get her own chance to chance after the one that she cared for.
Sometimes, it was hard to know who was the bigger fool. The one she cared for, for not noticing her despite her efforts. Or her, for loving someone who loved someone else.
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Vhenan'ara