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Returning	By : braxy29x Category: +M through R > Mass Effect Views: 3007 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect, quoted poetry or lyrics. I make no money from this story.

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"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. When you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." -from Beyond Good and Evil, Friedrich Nietzsche.
...
The door slid open with a quiet hiss and Thane waited just outside, reluctant to disturb her meditations.
"Thane," stated Samara without turning.
He could see her seated before the grand tapestry of space, unmoving and calm. "Forgive my intrusion, Samara."
"Please join me, Thane."
He entered with his usual measured steps and carefully seated himself next to her, mimicking her pose, folding his own slim limbs beneath him and resting his hands on his knees. Thane valued Samara and he was well aware that she was a more developed individual than he; she possessed, after all, many lifetimes worth of experience to draw upon in shaping her soul.
Thane listened to her breath and matched its rhythm with his own as he looked out into the eternity before him, the cool air of the ship filling his lungs. The expanse of dust and light glittered back at him, cold and unfathomable, reminding him of the sea he had known as a child. He would return to Kalahira soon, just as his sea and his people would return to dust among the stars in time. His breath advanced and retreated, the expansion of his chest paining him even as it calmed him.
He had looked forward to the time when his soul would depart completely from the form it bore so that he could join that impassive dust around him, unbound by the discomforts and suffering of his body, the regrets he felt as a physical weight upon him. Now he was uncertain.
"Your spirit is uneasy, Thane. How may I help you?" Samara asked.
He turned his head to look at her as she breathed in, unmoving, her body relaxed. Her elegant profile softened as she exhaled and turned to face him, waiting for his words.
"Samara, I seek your counsel. I desire your insight as I find I am experiencing some difficulties I am unable to resolve alone." He paused to observe her, still hesitant to share his distress.
Samara nodded sagely. "I will do my best to ease your burden, Thane. Our lives have been in some ways very different, but I can see you seek understanding, as I do. What troubles you?"
Thane examined his hands, uncomfortable as he considered his failings.
"I have accepted my fate for many years now and it seemed best that I am approaching the end of my time in this body. It has served me well, served the Compact for my people and our benefactors. Now it fails me and I have very little left to offer before I die yet I find myself… newly unwilling to release it to the Goddess. I do not understand why my soul now clings to this life when my departure has been so long set before me."
Thane paused, searching for the right words, steeling himself to admit aloud what troubled him.
"I have come to desire the love and affection of another. It is not only that I want to know her, but that my failing body seeks her as well. Such need is unfamiliar to me; my people are not passionate in this way. Yet I am inflamed, irritated… my body betrays me, it drives me toward her when I had done my best to put all encumbrances aside. My love for Irikah was pure, as I love Arashu Herself. That should be enough. I have loved enough." He said this determinedly, as though he could will himself into peace. "I fail to understand why my heart desires this woman, why my body is alight when I am near her."
"I see." Samara recognized his struggle to verbalize what had not previously demanded a name. "I know that you speak of our commander and it is no surprise to me that you have developed feelings for her." Thane looked up at her quickly, surprised that yet another teammate had so easily discerned what he attempted to hide.
"Shepard is your shadow, Thane, another embodiment of your goddess. She possesses certain of those attributes of the enlightened that you lack, and has furthermore given you purpose when you believed your time here was done."
He considered this before continuing. "It seems foolish to rouse myself and to encourage her generosity toward me, to bind ourselves to one another in hope or love so soon before my death."
Thane quieted, unable to express his confused feelings, his throat closing against the words in frustration. He felt the weight of his hands where he had placed them upon his thighs, his fingers suddenly twitching against one another and hoped that Samara would understand his trouble better than he was able.
"So you have found one to love again?" Samara asked gently. "Thane, it is no betrayal to your wife or to your gods to love. It is no betrayal to your beloved either.
"We who seek the embrace of the infinite, and who desire to hone our bodies while we possess them, often choose to ignore ourselves as individuals. You and I have both lived as ascetics; we have made of ourselves instruments to serve something greater, to honor our highest values. I serve my Code and the ideals of my people and you have served the best interests of your people and their commitment to the Hanar.
"It will not diminish your service if you now find joy. Perhaps you have discovered that your vessel may have other noble uses and your spirit now seeks things you had believed lost to you. It does not diminish what you had before to love this woman and the fact that you may not have the blessing of a long life to share does not lessen the enormity of that gift.
"When I was a maiden, before I became a Justicar, I loved as you do." Samara paused, a hint of a smile appearing first at her eyes as she mused and passing briefly across her face before she returned her attention to Thane.
"I have seen many pass in my time; that is the torment of long life. I do not regret what I shared with others who have gone before me. Each being must return to eternity and while we possess our forms it is a celebration of the pattern of things, of the cycle of living and dying to embrace life and love while we have it."
Thane listened, feeling only somewhat eased. He recognized the insight of Samara's words, but the feelings he observed in himself were still tangled and difficult.
"Samara, I fear also that… were I to grasp at this thing, my beloved would find me lacking; our people's ways are so very different. My feeling for Irikah was one of admiration, of devotion. I feel that for Siha as well, and a great deal more, but I fear she would expect of me the passion one of her own kind could offer her. My body has been tasked with taking the lives of others, and while I kill efficiently I am unfamiliar with the use of the body as a tool of pleasure."
Thane felt unusually awkward for a moment with this admission. His people were formal and reserved and he had developed this self-discipline to the maximum in the pursuit of his art. He had seen enough to recognize that Humans often approached their lives with a certain instinctual abandon. He had observed the foreplay of their couplings at times and saw there a ferocity and drive that both intrigued and disturbed him. When he thought of his Siha, he wanted to possess her and lose himself to her in this Human way, to hold and explore her. He wondered particularly at the way Humans sought each other with their mouths, something rarely practiced amongst Drell.
"Thane." Samara shook him from his thoughts with her smile. "I do not think I need to tell you that passion is what makes Humans beautiful, and I believe it is part of what draws you to your beloved. Humans lack the power of your Drell memory or the time for reflection afforded by the very long lives of the Asari. Therefore, the very best among them are invested in the present and in the bodily experience in a way you may find difficult to understand. This is what makes some of them formidable on the battlefield, despite their physical weaknesses, or delightful, exhilarating lovers. The key for them is the enjoyment of the present, a willingness to accept each moment.
"I think the Human approach would serve you well at this time. You can retreat into your memories at the end of your life and find comfort in reviewing your successes or you could alternately follow your beloved's example, explore desire and passion without reservation and see that it too can lead the soul to great things."
Samara paused a moment, and then added, "I would not worry that she will find you lacking as a lover. I believe your Siha has seen something in you that you were not aware of. I have observed you together and I think you have much to offer each other."
Thane took this in for a moment, and then nodded as he stood. "Samara," he bowed, "I thank you for sharing your insight with me. I will leave you to your meditations."
Thane stepped silently out, pleased to realize it would not be unjust of him to love Shepard, but he did not allow his thoughts to touch upon his greatest concern in this matter. He encountered it rarely, like a tender spot at the back of the head revealed only by probing fingers, something best left alone in the hope that it would disappear without further attention.
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