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Apotheosis II	By : OneMoreAltmer Category: +A through F > Elder Scrolls - Oblivion Views: 3007 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I didn't create and do not own Elder Scrolls: Oblivion or its characters (except for Tavi, within game format). I make no moneys.

Chapter List
- 7
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- 9
Eight � When Your
Heart Grows Cold

So I set off to kill all of my friends.
Murderers all, I reminded myself.� People who would have
killed me had our places been reversed.�
People no more inherently worthy of mercy than any of
my other contracts, and probably less worthy than most of them.
I decided to start with Telaendril.� I�d spent the least time with her, so it
would be the least traumatic place to begin.�
Also, she was usually away on patrol, so it would take a while before
anyone realized she was gone.� I shadowed
her on the first leg of her usual tour, from Cheydinhal down to Leyawiin.� Halfway between the two, I scorched her to
death with a hail of fireballs.� A
bombardment of a common spell, rather than anything exotic that might be more
traceable.� She never spotted me, which I
found strangely delightful given the stereotype that she should have had an
edge over me in the wilderness.
I left her where she lay.�
Either she�d never be found, or she�d be mistaken for a bandit or the
victim of a rogue conjurer.
Everyone else was home in the Sanctuary, welcoming me back
with their usual odd combination of warmth and talk of murder.� I helped Antoinetta make dinner.� I added the spices myself, telling her I was
making sure she didn�t add Vicente�s least favorite ingredient yet again.� Nothing too dreadful � they didn�t deserve to
die of poison � just a sedative.� Less
cruel in what I was accepting as my logic, and also less distinctive to the
taste.
Over dinner several of them chatted about their latest
contracts � I didn�t, of course, and after Antoinetta started to ask and
Ocheeva cleared her throat meaningfully, they realized I couldn�t.� I put on my best false smile and tried not to
start missing Ocheeva preemptively.
But then, as everyone started to fall tired and go off to
their beds, I realized that M�raaj-Dar had never come out to eat with the rest
of us.� I was going to have to seek him
out separately � and first, since he was still going to be conscious.� I went down to the training room, and he
greeted me� warmly.� Very warmly, as if we�d really been best friends all along and he�d
only been teasing me with his constant brusqueness.
Lightning for him, and more than was probably needed.� In my heart I was sure he was the one.� He�d turned suddenly friendly because he had
some notion I�d been sent after him and wanted to save himself.� It was his fault this was happening.
I let myself wonder for a moment if this meant I could spare
the rest of them.� I was sure M�raaj-Dar was the traitor.� But no, my instructions had been quite
explicit.� Everyone had to die.� The consequences of my being wrong would be
too dire, and in any case I would be disobeying my orders.
I came glumly across to the living quarters, where my Brothers
and Sisters lay soundly unconscious, and brought out my Blade of Woe.� One by one I gently bent back their heads and
slit their throats.� Gogron
first, and then Antoinetta, my least favorites.� Then poor Teinaava.
It wasn�t fair.� They
should have had a chance to defend themselves.�
� Really?� The chance we never
gave anyone else?� The
chance to look me in the face and call me a traitor when I was doing Lucien�s
bidding?
I went to Ocheeva�s room.�
I thought about how she had been the one who had pulled me back from the
brink after my contract in Bruma.� I
prayed to the Dread Father to receive her kindly as I executed her.
Only Vicente left, the worst one.� Lucien�s other favorite and mine, my mentor
and friend, giver of a multitude of gifts and one dangerous sexual
encounter.� Poor Vicente, who had lamented
that Lucien and I would die so long before he did.� Only now it wasn�t true:� I told myself, as I stood over him trying to
harden into the task, that I was sparing him that.
With everyone else, the cut had killed them quickly and
easily.� But Vicente seemed to stir in
protest, and in a panic I poured fire down through my hands and burned him
beyond recognition.� And then stood there
for several more minutes, sorry to have disfigured him that way.� I kissed his charred forehead and wished him
peaceful rest.
Then I left the Sanctuary, never to return.
I spent the rest of the night in my house, contemplating the
possibility of another wine and skooma binge.�
No � as tempting as it sounded, it wouldn�t do.� I�d only end up forcing Lucien to come and
find me drunk� and being drunk, I would also be weak, and Sithis only knew what
he would do to me then.� I must maintain
some semblance, some illusion of control over myself.� I sucked in what I could of the void, numbing
myself, and with the little wave of nausea that preceded the cold came the
realization of what my practice actually was � I was destroying my own soul,
one tiny piece at a time.

Good.
At dawn I forced myself to take a quick nap, and then headed
back to Fort Farragut to give my report.� He was making healing potions when I
arrived.� As was my habit, I opened the
conversation with warmth.
�You have ruined me.�
He chuckled but did not turn to face me.� �You flatter me.� You had told me I was incapable of that.� Do you remember?� At any rate,� he went on, putting stoppers
into bottles as he talked, �I did not ruin you.�
I saved you.� Everyone hears the story, my dear.� You opened fire on a Daedric Lord.� Did you really
think you could have taken him?�� He
glanced over his shoulder at me.
�I don�t know what I was thinking.�
�That great a weapon, left with no hand to control it.� You would have destroyed yourself, and who
knows what other harm you might have done in the process.� I may well have saved enough lives to balance
all my life�s misdeeds.�� He snorted, and
finally turned to face me.� I could see
weariness in his face.� �Is it done or
not?�
�It is done.�
He nodded and crossed the room to me, grabbed me into his
arms with a surprising conviction.� Sighed into my hair, stroking it with one hand.� �They were my Family too, you know,� he murmured.� �I had no choice.�
That made some of the awful feelings come back, and I put my
arms around him too, and we stood there wretched for some time.� I wished I knew how seriously to take his
implied remorse.� After all, he�d had the
choice to do it himself rather than to have me
do it.� Perhaps it had been because he�d
known them for so much longer, had chosen most of them himself, and he couldn�t
bear to actually wield the knife � perhaps that was it, if he had a human
heart, although it would still be a selfish one.
Then again, it was still possible that he didn�t really care
that much about it, and that making it my job also made it a test of how deep
my loyalty had become.
Gods, I was so sick of being trapped in my own head.� I made a strangled noise into Lucien�s
shoulder. ��I hate myself,� I
whispered.� �I hate the way I feel.�
The hand in my hair started rubbing at the back of my
neck.� �What do you want to feel?� he
asked.� I didn�t answer.� He started to graze gently under my ear,
pulling me tighter against him.� �What do
you want to feel?�
I didn�t know.� I made
a half-hearted and ineffective attempt to push him away, and he sighed.� �That�s what I thought.�� His lips came up to my ear, and his hands
started roaming over my back.� �You like
it to hurt a little � it draws the pain out of you.� But you don�t understand.� You don�t know how to ask.�
Part of me cursed him, but the part that was controlling my
body whimpered and cuddled closer against him.
�I don�t think either of us has the energy for a repeat of
the last time,� he smirked.� �But if you
could actually be obedient, I am sure
I could think of other things to show you.�
The word obedient always
chafed me, and I was not quite ready to be responsible for actually asking
Lucien to hurt me.� �Do as you like,� I said.� �You will anyway.�
He laughed quietly and kept kissing my neck.� �Do you really think of me as nothing but a
monster?� What have I ever done except
protect and please you?�
�You murder people.�
He nipped lightly at my shoulder.� �So do you.�
I could feel the tears coming.� �I know.�
I�m a monster too.�
A playful growl.� �Dread Father.� You are going to be the death of me.�� He took my head in his hands and stared into
my eyes.� �You refuse to ask it, but I
will make you say it.� Are you willing, or are you not?�
His eyes were full of the promise of a delectable species of
harm.� �I am willing.�
He pulled my head forward and kissed me, slow but deep.� Nothing but that and caressing
each other through the clothes for several moments before he started stripping
me.� He actually let me be the one
to remove his shirt, which was remarkable.�
But he stopped my hands at his waist.�
�Stay there,� he whispered, and walked away toward a box in the corner.
He came back with rope.�
�Cross your arms behind your back.��
I looked at him nervously, and he raised his eyebrows in warning.� I cast my eyes down and did as I was
told.� �Good,� he said, with a quick
kiss.� �Now be still.�
It took some time for him to rig the harness binding my
upper arms to my sides. Then a little more to tie my forearms so that they
stayed crossed at the small of my back and the ropes met in a thick knotted
handle between my shoulder blades.� I
stood as still as I could bear, wondering what he meant to do once I was
helpless and whether I really wanted to find out.� Feeling him brush the ropes along my skin,
sometimes slowly and deliberately to make me shiver, sometimes with a second of
startling harshness.
When the handle was finished, he tugged at it lightly twice
and nodded.� �There,� he said.� Then he yanked down much harder and I fell
onto my knees.� Back, and as I fell he
caught me in his embrace and kissed me fiercely.� Before my imbalance could turn to panic he
set me right again and knelt in front of me, brushing his fingertips lightly
over my skin.
�Now,� he mused.�
�What to do with you.�� Touching my face and my neck.� �Is binding enough by itself, do you
think?�� Down my
useless shoulders, so softly.� I
trembled as his hands came forward onto my breasts.� He looked into my eyes and smiled.
�Or do you need it to hurt?�
And with this he started to pinch my nipples, slowly, pleasantly at first � but
he kept increasing the pressure and the sensation went over to pain.� My noises of protest only amused him, and he
pinched harder, so I bit my lip against yelling.
Not that I tried to escape or make any real protest.� I accepted the treatment he gave me.
�You take to this quite well,� he grinned.� �I could go and get a knife � no,� he assured
me when my eyes went round.� �No, if I went far enough to really make you afraid, you would have
to fight me, wouldn�t you?� And
then it would be very dangerous for us both.�
We will stop at a bit of roughness, then.�� He pinched the right breast one more time,
and dug in with his nails.� As I yelped
he released it and brought his mouth down over it instead, rolling his tongue
over it and sucking at it gently.� I
bowed my head toward him and moaned.� I
could already feel myself growing open and damp, eager for him to take me.
He dipped into me with his fingers and started to work his
mouth up and down my neck, building again from pleasant to increasingly
vehement.� Soon he was sucking and biting
so hard that I was sure I would at least bruise:� I wondered if he would break the skin.� He seemed pleased by the way I shook and made
piteous sounds.
�Do you like that?� he murmured.� �Do you wish I had let Vicente have his way
with you?�
The mention of Vicente added a whole other variety of pain,
but it only rolled itself in with the rest of the sensation, and I whimpered,
and bounced to encourage his fingers to keep moving inside me.� Instead he pulled away from me to stand and
take his pants off.� He pulled my head to
his crotch and I opened my mouth for him.�
He grabbed into my hair and controlled me by it, thrusting uncomfortably
deep into my throat as I tried to relax it for him.� I could hear him gasping �
He yanked me back away from himself and then upward, forcing
me to my feet, then kissed me as he reached back for the handle between my shoulder
blades.� With that in hand he threw me
toward the bed and told me to kneel before it.�
He knelt behind me, reached around for my breasts, and bit me again on
the side of the neck, hard.� After the
few minutes of being left alone, the bruises there hurt more than ever for the
renewed assault, and I shrieked.� He
chuckled and pressed his hardened member between my cheeks.
�What do you think?� he rasped.� �Shall we try it without the salve?�
That was too close to my limit.� �No,� he answered immediately, and took a
second to stroke more gently at my arms, to make me let go of the static charge
he�d felt me trying to urge into my bound hands.� �That will wait until another day.�� He took hold of the handle again and pulled
me back onto him, thrusting into the safer passage.� I whined and fell forward onto the bed as he
pumped into me, controlling me with the ropes.
The gulf between external pleasure and internal pain was
widening into a frightening expanse that threatened to swallow me whole.� I started trying to forget myself and focus
on the sensations of the friction of his movement inside me, of the ropes
against my skin.� Those I craved and
moaned for:� unfortunately, my mind
stayed awake, and used the craving and moaning to illustrate just how much of a
monster I�d become.� I lowered my
forehead onto the bed in defeat and tears, and he took it for another sort of
surrender, and growled happily, and fell upon me wild for a moment, and came.
I stayed there motionless as he relaxed, stroked my hips gently,
and began the process of freeing me from the harness.� My arms passed through an initial numb
weakness into sharp tingles, and I pulled them up under me whimpering.� He gathered me up the rest of the way onto
the bed and lay down beside me, pulling me into his chest.� I found that I was too exhausted not to relax
against him, and we lay that way for some time.�
In fact, when he finally moved, he woke me from a light
sleep.� He lifted my chin toward his face
with one finger, and looked into my eyes. ��Recovered?�
I was as well as I ever expected to be.� I nodded drowsily, running my fingertips
across a long, shallow scar on his stomach.
�Good,� he said, and with a quick kiss to my forehead rose
to gather his clothes.� �We are going to
have a lot of work ahead of us now, so we mustn�t get too comfortable.�
I frowned and blearily pulled myself up to sit as he talked
and dressed.
�I will report your success to the Black Hand, so we can
have this blot cleared from our Sanctuary�s reputation.� Then I will have to come back and clean up
the mess I�m sure you made, and then
I must see about recruiting people to fill in our ranks.�
My frown deepened into a scowl.� Recruiting people, also
known as stalking and seducing strangers.
He went on.� �You,
meanwhile, are going to have to fill all the contracts left unfinished by our
fallen comrades.� I have already written
them down and left them at a set of drop points for you.�
�Why not just tell me now?�
�Because there are a lot of them, and you won�t remember.� And they should not all be written down in
one place.�� Now he went in search of
robe and hood.
�So I will not see you again until�when?� You are doing this again.� Just enough to hold me in place and then
you�re gone.�� I wanted to be angry and
didn�t have energy:� it was only a
defeated whine.
He shook his head at me.�
�You are determined to always think the worst of me, aren�t you?�� He came back and took my face in his
hands.� �I know that I am all you have
now.� I know.� And you are all I have.� Do you
understand?� And it falls to me to
rebuild our Family.� That is my duty to
you as well as to myself and to the Brotherhood.�� He leaned his forehead against mine and
thought for a moment.� �Do you need
proof?� Take Shadowmere.� She is yours.�
The offer startled me.�
�But Lucien!�
�You will need her speed more than I will.� Contracts are waiting.�� He gave me a light kiss and rose
smiling.� �The first drop point is at Hero
Hill, not far from here.� The contract
would actually have gone to you, had other business not pressed.� I think it will improve your mood.�
He hurried me through getting dressed and sent me away ahead
of him, telling me where Shadowmere was waiting.� She was as I remembered her, magnificent and
dark, and strangely agreeable to going with me instead of her old master.� We moved out together in a blur of shadow,
Lucien�s monsters.
- 7
- 8
- 9
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Apotheosis II