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Shadow of Destiny: The script of sarcasm	By : Shenai Category: -Misc Video Games/RPGs > Walkthroughs/Hints/Spoilers Views: 1697 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the game that this fanfiction is written for, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 8
- 9
- 10
Disclaimer: No seriously. I don�t own it.

Author note: From this chapter onwards, there are going to be spoilers in regards to the types of endings you can get. Well, the whole thing is basically one big spoiler but I figured I should make this note in case angry gamers start flaming me for not warning them. You have been warned. NO FLAMMIES. The vein has spoken.

Chapter 8.

(Last time in SOD Eike discovered that Mr. Eckart had been blackmailed into trying to kill him, Miriam made another appearance and Eike managed to get rid of his girly comb. Oh yeah, and the real killer is still at large... NaPap still hasn�t returned from the hospital so I�m going to have to recap until she gets back. This chapter is going to be very confusing to read as it will be broken up into sections. The first bit will be left because that doesn�t change at all, but when I speak to Dana I will label it as either Ending A, B1, B2, B3, C or Ending D and E. This is because there are these many choices for the endings and I will only write the endings from the point in which the difference is really noticeable. It sounds complicated but it will all be labeled and as thus, should make sense. Hopefully. Anyway, enough blab, let�s get on with it.

(Eike stands staring at the picture for a few minutes, examining it from absolutely every angle. Yes, alright we get that Dana is pretty can we move on now please?)

Eike: I don�t remember seeing this picture before...? ...this stone! And the girl...! Dana? (Eike must have missed the part where he left her in the past, because she�s not about to reply.)

(The Digipad goes off and Eike can travel back to Mary Sue�s time to get the stone off of Dana. Oh joy, that�s just what I wanted, more Mary Sue. Yip-fucking-ee.)

(Next scene.)

(After the really, really, really redundant ride through the Star Trek swirly wormhole of people smoking too much pot, Eike gets dropped off in the middle of the City Square. Amazingly enough no one notices. He stands there for a couple of minutes before he remembers what it was he was here to do. Good one Eike.)

Eike: Oh yeah, I should ask about that picture.

(This is the gamers cue to get Eike�s hinny over to the Atelier�s place, where Dana is modeling for the painting. So this is where we take him.)

(Next scene: Near, far...)

(Eike stands outside the Atelier�s door just staring at it. He stares at it for a long time. A long, long time. Whilst he is staring at the door I go and use the toilet, take a shower, cook a seven course meal, surf the net, watch all the Fruits Basket episodes on DVD, finish my autobiography, watch the grass grow, read all the Harry Potter books twice, finish Final Fantasy X, watch �Interview with the Vampire�, have sex with Lucifer, whip Yuki, have a short debate with Ayame about the prices in his shop, fly to Japan to visit my family, fly back, take a nap, burn some CD�s and then when I finally sit back down again, Eike is still just staring at the door I didn�t exaggerate any of that by the way.)

(Oh and while we�re at it, this conversation Eike has with Dana is the same in every ending. It only changes after the fade out in accordance to the epilogue. But I will label them appropriately so that you will not be confused too much. I hope.)

(Eike finally goes toward the door. As he approaches, it opens and a blonde girl with a hair net and an old fashioned dress with a sailor moon collar steps out. She closes the door behind her and goes to continue on her way when she notices Eike and stops. Eike also stops and stares at her, only thankfully not for as long as he stared at the door.)

Eike: Dana!?

Dana: You�re from that�Eike? (Yes! She remembers his name from a brief encounter four years ago! Yes, four years has passed back then in the 1600�s though Dana still looks just as young and attractive as she did when Eike met her. Actually, I think she looks a little more attractive now then she did back then but seeing as how I�m gay I don�t know if that�s really complimenting her or not.)

Eike: I was worried about where you were. (The way he say�s that line, sounds like a worried parent telling off their kid for running away. Typical Eike.)

Dana: Yes... I was pretty shook up too, when I got separated from you.

Eike: I�m glad you�re okay. (Walks up to her and puts his hand on her shoulder. Although you just know he wants to put it lower.) I�m really sorry you got mixed up in all this.

Dana: I was scared to death though. I was pitch dark too... But it only took me a bit to figure out that it was the same place, and I started thinking that maybe it was just a different time. The buildings and the streets are almost exactly the same, so...

Eike: Wow, you thought of all that and didn�t freak out? I would have, for sure. (Now I just have this great image in my head of Eike spazzing out Ritsu style.)

Dana: Well�it took a while to get used to. Things only fell into place lately... I looked for you for a long time you know.

Eike: (Hanging his head.) I�m sorry. I looked for you too, but I didn�t have any luck. (Uh Eike? The town is tiny and you looked for approximately 5 minutes. That�s not very cochur now is it?)

Dana: Well, no use worrying about what�s done. It�s been four years, after all.

Eike: Huh...? Oh, yeah, I guess it would be. You do look more�I don�t know, mature, come to think of it.

Dana: What do you mean?

(Translation: She fills out her dress more then she did back then.)

Eike: (Thinking about what I just translated.) Oh, nothing. Really.

Dana: (Quickly forgetting about it.) A night watchman helped me that first day, (Was it the same one who ran off screaming into the night like a little pansy?) and since then I�ve done a lot of different things. I even worked in a mill for a while... But now, I�m a chambermaid at the squire�s manor house. (Exposition Dana has put on her Exposition Hairnet.) I feel so content these days. (What? She feels content working her ass off?! Women... I don�t pretend to understand them.) I feel like I should be thanking you.

Eike: (Having not taken a word of this in.) Why are you modeling for a picture?

Dana: Uh... because I�m hot nitwit? (Sadly no. Although that�s what I would have said in the situation. But then again I wouldn�t have thanked Eike for leaving me in the past where I could have died in a week from chicken pox, the Bubonic plague and annoying Mary Sue.) The squire�s a patron of this painter, and that�s how I met him, originally. He said he really wanted to use me as a model, and I just couldn�t say no.

Eike: (Checking her out.) I see...

Dana: The squire�s daughter was supposed to model, really, but she didn�t want to do it. So, I ended up taking her place.

Eike: (Finally putting 2 and 2 together in that microscopic little blonde brain of his.) So the girl in the picture is you...

Dana: Oh, I don�t even start posing till tomorrow. I just came over today to work out the schedule and all that stuff.

Eike: But the picture will eventually be painted.

Dana: Hey, why did you come here today? Are you...here to take me back? You know how to, don�t you?

Eike: Well it certainly wasn�t to see Mary Sue. (Once again, that was me. I�m sorry.) Sure. Do you want to? Go back to our own time with me?

(What. A stupid. Fucking. Question. Who, in their right mind would not want to go anywhere with Eike?)

Dana: I did, you know. Of course I wanted to. But not anymore. (All right it�s official. The girl is crazier than I am.)

Eike: (Looking like Ayame when Hatori told him it was time to go home.) Not...anymore? (He doesn�t understand.)

Dana: It�s okay. I have no one there�No parents, no family... (Walks away from Eike and stares off into the wild blue yonder having her own little moment of wankst.) So I�ll be okay here. No one will worry about me. No one expected anything of me back there... No one was watching, no matter how hard I worked. So... there really is nothing for me there.

(The camera zooms out all wanktastically and then it fades out.)

(NOTE TO READERS: This next bit is only what you will get if you�re heading for the A, B and C endings. You will get this conversation here if you told Mary Sue that you think she is your ancestor. If you didn�t tell her, the next conversation changes and you will get either D or E endings. I will put that in later but this mostly focuses on the A, B and C endings at the moment.)

(Next scene.)

(A, B and C endings.)

Eike: (As a sad little music piece plays in the background.) Dana...

Dana: Don�t worry about me, Eike. I�m grateful to you, you know. This world, this age�I feel like I�ve come home after a really long trip. That�s how right it feels, and I mean that. So please, don�t look for me anymore. This is where I�m going to spend my life; I�ve already made up my mind.

Eike: (Shocked. SHOCKED I say!) Dana...

Dana: Oh, remember this...? (Pulls something out of her pocket and races over to him.) It�s the red stone from that day. (Holds it up and the camera does this matrix 360 spin around of it. Yes, the stone is important. We get that.)

Eike: That stone�s a�Look, do you mind if I ask you to give that to me?

Dana: (Looks a bit taken aback, as you would, but seems to have a change of heart.) Of course you can have it. (Smiles.) If it weren�t for this stone, I would have never met you, never would have ended up here right now, talking to you like this. I�ve always thought that there was something very important about this stone... But that�s okay�That�s the reason I thought about having it included in my portrait, after all, I got to see you again. (Well when she puts it that way, I guess you wouldn�t mind handing it over.) Here you go. (Hands him the stone.)

Eike: (Sounding like he is about to cry.) Thanks... Dana. (Pockets the stone.) What are you going to do now?

Dana: I�I, ah�(Wanders away from Eike a little, looking sheepish.) There�s someone, you know, that I work with... At the manor house where I�m being looked after. He and I�(Eike is in the background looking mortified throughout this whole revelation.) Well, we�re going to start a life together someday so... So I�m going to be staying. I�m really sorry, Eike. (Huh, your loss, honey.)

Eike: Won�t you regret it? (I would for sure.)

Dana: No, I won�t. It�s all right.

Eike: Okay. You take care, then?

Dana: Thanks. You too, Eike.

(They both wander off in separate directions, Eike staggering from grief. Somewhere out there, Homy�s chucking a party.)

(Next scene: The power of Christ compels you!!)

(Now that Eike has the stone he has to take it to Wolfy�s place so that Homy can be born. Sadly this means another confrontation with Mary Sue and that is like pouring vinegar in wounds that have not quite healed yet.)

(Eike enters the Wagner house of Wanker�s to find Mary Sue and Hugo just sort of hanging out. Whilst Hugo has obviously reached puberty and is wearing different clothes, Margarete still looks exactly the same as when we first met. Just for the record, Hugo would now be 16 and Mary Sue would be 20.)

Mary Sue: (As Eike just invites himself inside as per usual.) Oh...!? Come on in. You do like to show up unannounced, don�t you? (She is very obviously flirting.)

Hugo: (He turns away, unable to handle the horrific sight before him.) Father�s down in the basement, working. (Turns back, grinning with his hands on his hips.) You did come to see him, not Margarete, didn�t you?

Mary Sue: Oh! Stop it! (Eike�s hanging his head in the background, trying to control the bile as it rises in the back of this throat.)

Hugo: (Starts waving his hands around as though Mary Sue�s gaze burns like acid. I�d warrant that it would.)

(Next Scene: Wolfy�s rock collection.)

(Wolfy is still stirring his soup. God, after two years you would think that it would be ready by now wouldn�t ya? He turns around as Eike enters hoping that the blonde bozo has the last rock he needs for his collection of pretty stones. Note that this conversation is a little different to the one you would have in Ending D. )

Wolfy: You... You have... by chance The Philosopher�s Stone!?

Eike: Yes.... Is this it? (Clunks stone down roughly on table. You can just hear Homy saying; "Ow!") That�s the only stone I know that fits the bill.

Wolfy: (With a look on his face like NaPap would have if she found out that the second series of Fruits Basket was being sold in K-Mart for $5 a DVD.) Ah, in the name of Heaven! (Picks it up.) I shall start the preparations for the experiment right now. It�s all right... it doesn�t matter if this is not the true stone. I am grateful for your help regardless. But, if it is the Stone, the results should be wondrous. (Homy blushes. "Aw shucks Doc!")

(Wagner is cradling the stone protectively like a new born baby.) Please, come back again, in�let�s see�five, no, make it ten days... (It�s been... ten days...)

Eike: Ten days, okay. That would be the...thirteenth. (There is a flash of the scene where Wagner�s house was totally decimated.) Oh!

Wolfy: What is it?

Eike: That experiment�s dangerous!

Wolfy: That may be but... this is something I want to do... Something I must do. Please, try to understand...

(It�s hard to understand a guy that simply must blow up his house.) Ten days from now�by then, the experiment should yeild fruit. (Not a Fruits Basket?) (Oh BTW I just noticed that the big jam jar that�s filled with Dry Ginger ale has a big pointy phallic shaped cone on the top. This will make sense later on.) I will be able to show you the Homunculus. At last, science will prove itself capable of creating life. How I wish she could have been here... Helena... That is my only regret. See you in ten days then. Oh, one more thing�Could you keep this a secret from Hugo and Margarete? (Some �Wow-creepy-shit-is-going-down� music starts to play as the camera does a pan around of the Dry Ginger ale Phallic pointy jam jar of doom.) Knowing Hugo, if he learns of this, he might do something like attempt to bring Helena back from the dead... He can�t seem to face his mother�s death. Should this experiment succeed�if I manage to find what answers I can in my quest for truth�I shall commit all records of my research to the fire. Now, take care... (Turns back to this soup and the conversation is over.)
(Next scene.)

(Hugo is leaning against the stairway banister looking pensive. As soon as Eike enters from the �Secret Lab� he looks up at him BECAUSE HE IS OMG S0 FUCK1NG H0T 4ND W3 ALL W4NT3 A P1EC3 OF YUMMY 3IKE G00DN3SS.)

Hugo: Hey, did you manage to see Father?

Eike: Uh-huh. What is it?

Hugo: Damn, what�s the matter with Father anyway? He hasn�t let me into his laboratory lately. When I went in there the other day, he got really angry with me and ever since--! There�s some secret in there he can�t tell me about, I just know it. (Eike just stands there with a dozy expression on his face. Hugo suddenly gets all suspicious like and stands infront of Eike.) Hey, are you like Father�s right-hand man? You know, with tools from the future and stuff? (I cannot even begin to say how wrong this all sounds.)

Eike: Of course not, nothing like that. (Yeah Hugo, they�re actually mad passionate lovers. To Hell with the script that says Eike has to be straight. To Hell with it I say!)

Hugo: Really? I�d definitely ask for your help if I were father. (Eike heads to the door eager to escape all this Wagner Wanker wankosity.) Then I could make a machine to move through time, like the one you showed me before. (I notice how he doesn�t mention that he groped Eike until the Digipad was forced to try and escape.) I sort of understand how it works, anyway. (Yeah me too Hugo. You select the Digipad from the menu with the X button and then select the destination time by pushing on the X button again. See? Even the kid is smart enough to figure out that they�re all in a game!)

Eike: *Hopelessly stunned* Wow, really? I�m impressed. (0_o) (Excuse me while I go and masturbate in the corner.)

Hugo: *Modestly* Well...I said "sort of." Anyway, I�m more interested in what Father�s working on right now. (Well who wouldn�t be interested in Homy?)

Mary Sue: (Who has been standing there the whole time, trying to force her pint sized brain to understand just what these two super intelligent beings are talking about. Oh hold on, did I just call Eike smart?) Hugo, I�m sure Father will tell us one of these days.

Hugo: (Turning away from her flesh burning gaze.) I don�t know about that...

(The door to the �Secret Lab� swings open and Wolfy enters all pretentiously. Yes Wolfy, we all know you love yourself. That doesn�t mean that we do.)

Wolfy: Children, I have something to tell you. (Hopefully that he�s finished that Goddamn soup.)

Hugo: *Dramatically* Father...

Wolfy: (Standing there as offensively as possible.) I am going to start another experiment, but this one will be very dangerous. So I want you two to leave the house for a while.

Mary Sue: Right away?

Wolfy: The sooner the better. (See? Even he can�t wait to get rid of her!) I�ll send word in about ten days. Go to our relatives home�s or anywhere else you like. (Why did I just have this vision of Mary Sue and Hugo pitching a tent on the Sohma family land? Hopefully nightmares never come true.) That�s all.

Hugo: Can I help with the experiment?

Wolfy: (As dramatic music plays in the background.) No. Both of you have to leave this house. (Seeing as how he has to blow it up. Wolfy closes the door all dramatically and then descends down into the �Secret Lab� again. Also dramatically.)

Black Hugo: Oh, for Pete�s sake! What does he think he�s doing, huh? *Kicks the door because that really constitutes the simulation of tearing downstairs and throttling his father to death.*

Mary Sue: (Looking sad in a very offensive way.) Come on. Where should we go? (I�m thinking Hell would be a suitable place for her.)

Black Hugo: Sis!? So, you�re just going to do it? (Oh BTW, Hugo happens to be wearing this weird jacket type thing that looks as though the sleeves have been torn off at different lengths in several places and then sewn back on. Only the threads came loose at some point and there are big gaps throughout the whole thing, covered in stitches. Wow Hugo, you must be a real fine example of a model from the ages.)

Mary Sue: Do we have a choice? (Oh shut up Tohru.)

Hugo: (One step away from throwing a huge temper tantrum.) B-but...

Mary Sue: It�s only for a little while. (Puts her hand on his shoulder. Poor Hugey.) Let�s go, we have to get ready.

(Long pause.)

Eike: I guess I�ll be going now. (Way to break the silence Eike.)

Mary Sue: Of course. I am sorry we�re always in the middle of something. (Forgive me if I�m wrong, but isn�t Eike the reason that they�re always in the middle of something?)

Hugo: (In a really girly voice. I hope he�s taking the piss out of Mary Sue.) See you soon, okay?

(Next scene.)

(Outside the Wanker house, the Digipad glows from Eike�s pocket, indicating that he can travel ten days into the future to see the results of the experiment. Well that�s good, otherwise it would have been a real pain in the butt to just sit around twiddling our thumbs. So... Eike goes to the future... that�s in the past... and is dropped down in the Public Square. Naturally no one notices because they are all tripped on crack (like the game designers) so Eike makes his merry way over to the Wanker house which is... GASP! Blown to smithereenies! Boy I did not see that coming at all! If only Eike had warned someone about that dangerous, dangerous experiment. Oh that�s right; he did.)

Eike: (Inside the house examining all the debris. In case you couldn�t have guessed but this is the same time he arrived earlier when he got the key off of the floor. Once again, Eike has missed the party. Dammit all! Dammit all to Hell!)

Eike: Hello! Is anybody here? Anybody--?? Dr.Wagner! Margarete, Hugo! Anyone there!

Mary Sue: (From downstairs.) Hugo!!

Eike: The basement!?

(Next scene: Back to the Future. P.S You get this bit here on all the endings except if you�re heading for Ending E.)

(Eike approaches this kind of wooden contraption thingy in the basement. The year 2001 is entered into the little entering thingy.)

Eike: This meter here�Is this a � time machine?! ("Time machine.") That can�t be... But that sounded like Margarete�s voice just now.

(Digipad flashes in Eike�s pocket and he travels back forward to 2001.)

(Next scene.)

(Eike is plonked down infront of the Brum Library and right after he does, his phone rings. He whips it out of his pocket, presses the receive button then puts it to his ear.)

Voice on Phone: Hey, long time no see... Actually, didn�t we just see each other today?

Eike: Is this...Hugo? (No it�s the State Puff Marshmallow man.)

(To be precise it is Black Hugo and does he sound ever so smug.)

Black Hugo: Uh-huh. I really like these machines of the future. (Yes, I find vibrators very enjoyable too.) Being able to just project your voice a long distance, that�s really something. (Hell Ritsu can do it without a telephone.)

Eike: How do you know my number!? (Oh yeah, Eike. Lets just completely bypass the fact that the little psychopath is cavolting about in the future and panic that he knows your number. Hell doesn�t everyone in this game by now?)

Black Hugo: Oh, that. I asked someone called Eckart. You know, you mentioned him once.

Eike: (Now that he�s covered the really important stuff lets move onto the minor problems, shall we?) H-how did you get here... And why? Were you the one threatening Mr. Eckart?

Black Hugo: Come on, "threaten" sounds so serious. All I did was propose a deal. Can I help it if he jumped at the chance when I told him what he wanted to hear about his daughter? Oh, and about how I got here, it�s pretty simple really. Remember that tool you showed me? I just made one of my own, you see... (Yes, Hugo. That really sums it all up.)

Eike: What!?

Black Hugo: Well, actually, I didn�t make it, not exactly. The Hugo of the future completed it, and gave it to me. "A Transport Mechanism to Timespace Marked by Phenomena of Relevance." (I notice how he uses this smart-ass name to make it sound cooler then it actually is. Whatever. A Digipad�s a Digipad Hugey-boy.) You like it? Just like yours. (The camera pans down to show Eike�s completely befuddled expression as he tries to make the connection between �Digipad� and �Transport Mechanism to Timespace Marked by Phenomena of Relevance.� Hey, at least it wasn�t �The Sublimely Magnificent Jecht Shot Mark III.�) Actually, I think the other stuff may be different, but�who cares, right? In any case, I can track and follow your machine.

Eike: What about Margarete? (He asks hoping like all of us that she�s dead and gone forever.)

Black Hugo: Will you look at that, I�m forgetting the point of the whole thing. (Okay, since when was Mary Sue the point of the whole thing? Have I been fooling myself the whole time or do the game designers just hate us all?) Can you drop by? I�ll be waiting at the square. Bring Homunculus�We have a few things to discuss. (He says this in a really sinister way which boils it down to the conclusion that Homy dumped Hugo like a four day old corpse.) Oh, and by the way, do what I tell you, okay? Otherwise someone you care about is gonna die. I don�t have to tell you what I mean by that, right? Later, then.

Mary Sue: (On the phone.) Hugo!!

Eike: Hey! (Hugo hangs up and Eike stares for a bit, then switches off his own brick mobile and the screen fades out. ... Okay, so who exactly is it that�s going to die? Mary Sue did you say? No, that can�t be right. Hugo said that it was someone Eike cared about. I�d say it was Homunculus but Hugo would have to be very stupid to be asking Eike to bring him to him whilst he actually held him hostage. Hmm... anyway, the point is to get Eike to the Square so we can plot progress. Although if it really is Mary Sue Hugo�s holding hostage I�d like to take my sweet, sweet time...)

(Next scene: The Square Dance.)

(Eike runs into the Square and stands there looking back and forth like a doofus for a few seconds. Then he remembers just what it was he was here to do.)

Eike: Hugo! Where are you!?

Black Hugo: (Appearing from his carefully planned hiding place behind Eike�s bootylicious statue with Mary Sue in tow. Oh, guess he really is holding her hostage...) Lord, you�re so noisy. I�m here, right here. (Pushes the knife towards Mary Sue�s face threateningly. Uh... I hate to tell you Hugo, but you don�t exactly have a hell of a great advantage there. I mean, I always thought the kid was smart but this has really made me rethink my opinions. Why should anyone, let alone Eike for God�s sake, care if anything happened to Mary Sue? This has to be the most stupid thing Hugo�s ever done! Unless of course he�s doing it because of the whole �ancestress� thing and then I can give him some credit but otherwise...)

(There is a close up of Eike�s uncaring face as he thinks back to the bar incident where the little boy was whining at him to help his Grandpa. There is a close up of the kids face as he looks up and GASP!! SURPRISE!! It�s actually HUGO!! Eike of course is all stunned and stuff.)

Eike: ...Hugo. You�you�re the one that�s been trying to kill me? (He made that connection all by himself ladies and gentleman. OMG is anyone taping this?)

Black Hugo: Never mind that. Where�s Homunculus? (That�s what I�d like to know. We need someone around here to counterbalance all the supreme wanktitude.)

Eike: You heard what I asked you!

Black Hugo: (Repositions the blade closer to Mary Sue�s throat so that Eike knows who�s in charge. Mary Sue get�s all excited with a Phallic shaped object being that close to her face for that first time ever and Eike feels inadequate.) The Homunculus was completed because you showed up. You fooled father into crating the Homunculus. (Hugo either likes to say Homunculus a lot or he gets paid a thousand bucks every time he mentions the name.) Isn�t that right? I read fathers research notes. They said you brought him the last ingredient, the �Philosopher�s Stone� ...

Eike: (Clearly confuddled.) Me�get your father to create Homunculus? All I�ve been doing is trying to stay alive...
Quiz 7: What�s the real reason behind Hugo wanting to see Homunculus?

He wants to kill him. DUH fucking DUH he destroyed his freakin� family!

He wants to get him back for dumping him.

He wants to make mad passionate love to him. Hey Homy may just be desperate enough after being rejected by Eike so many times!

He needs someone intelligent to talk too.

He wants to compare �~~Transport Mechanism�s to Timespace Marked by Phenomena of Relevance�~~/Digipad�s.

He�s going to have a �Walk off� with him, because heaven forbid that Homy be more fashionable then Hugo in his Bunny Gumboots with the compressing high heels.

He wants an autograph.

(There is a flashback showing Eike giving the stone to Wolfy and Wolfy carrying on like Shenai when she finally got her �Fruits Basket� DVD�s. This is Big Fucking Revelation Point number one thousand and three that Eike has been manipulated into doing something for evil Homy�s own manipulative innuendo�s.)

Eike: But it isn�t�

Black Hugo: What I really wanted was to get here earlier and stop (I almost wrote �strip� then, what does that say about me?) what you were doing but�all my machine could do was follow yours. So I targeted yesterday�s you, because I thought I could manage to get to you before you did the things you did today. (... Okay WTF? Did anyone else catch that?) I had so many chances, but I still didn�t manage to kill you off. (Oh if only he knew...)

Mary Sue: Hugo... (Why did she have to go and say something? Couldn�t she just shut up and not say anything? I hardly had any lines in Fruits Basket so if I can contend with being quiet then so can she!!)

Black Hugo: (Ignoring her.) It�s a shame, but... There�s no way for my machine to outrun yours, and I can�t stop the Homunculus ($1000) from being completed. So I�m switching to another plan. If I can�t prevent Homunculus ($1000) from being created in the first place, I�ll destroy it. That seems to be the only way to get a hold of the Philosophers Stone.

Eike: Philosopher�s Stone...? What use is that to you? (Chucks a chibi temper tantrum and then stalks towards Hugo all heroically. Hugo in response repositions the blade closer to Mary Sue�s throat and she practically gets off. Sorry for the mental image everyone.)

Mary Sue: Hugo... (God, is that all she can say?)

Black Hugo: I�m out for revenge, get it? Homunculus ($1000) destroyed my family�and you�re the one who had him created! (Yeah, because I�m sure that Eike has legit reasons for tricking Wolfy into making him an evil chibi baby stealing bastard genie. ... But then again...)

Mary Sue: H-Hugo... (Suddenly Mary Sue dies a horrible agonizing death. Oh come on! Let me have my moment of delusion.) I can�t believe that�s true. Eike just doesn�t seem like someone who would do a thing like that. (Shut up) There must be some other reason Father just disappeared the way he did. (SHUT up.) Come on, Hugo... (Shut UP.) let�s give him a little more time. We�ll wait together... ( SHUT UP.)

Black Hugo: (Who is as sick of her whining as the rest of us.) Shut up! That�s your problem, you know...? (Uh, that doesn�t exactly narrow it down...) Stop treating me like a kid whenever it suits you, all right?

Mary Sue: I-I�m sorry if I hurt your feelings. But�(Hugo stabs her and the game is over.)

Black Hugo: I know that Homunculus ($1000) is made of the Philosophers Stone. (He starts to look down a little.) If we got hold of it, we could save Mother!

Eike: (Who has been feeling left out so far.) "Save"? What do you mean by that? (He�s obviously never heard of Daytime soapies where characters die and are resurrected a year later to save the ratings.)

Black Hugo: I can save her life! That�s the reason I�m looking for that stone. This time, I�ll succeed and she�ll be alive again... We�ll all go home together and start over. (Apart from the fact that Wolfy is currently missing. Hey, maybe he and Homy ran away together? It wouldn�t be any more farfetched in relation to everything else that has happened.) You understand now? (Eike: Derp...?) Come on! Go get Homunculus! ($1000)

Mary Sue: Bring her back? Hugo, what do you think you�re doing?

Eike: (Even slower on the uptake then she is. Amazingly.) You want to raise the dead?? (He swoops in all dramatically as he says this line like we need an even bigger fucking clue that "This is seriously bong material.")

Black Hugo: (Forcibly unrolling his eyes from their sockets and re-explaining everything he just said in point form so that Eike�s tiny little brain can understand it.) The stone let Father create Homunculus. ($1000) As long as I have the right materials, this should work too.

Mary Sue: (Actually figuring out, before Hugo says anything just what he has previously tried to do. OMG is anybody taping this?) Hugo, you didn�t...

Black Hugo: (Completely ignoring her, as you would.) Never mind, just hurry up!

Mary Sue: (Refusing to be ignored) You used that lock of Mother�s hair? You tried this before?!

Black Hugo: (Voice increasing in volume and whiny-ness. I mean, can you really blame the guy? He�s lived with Mary Sue his whole life and only now does he reach the end of his tether. That shows inhuman restraint if you ask me.) Hurry up...

Eike: (Standing there in a position that rivals how one would look if they were about to take a dump standing up.) Homunculus can�t be�He always... He always just appears out of nowhere. It has nothing to do with what I want. (More with what he wants really.) Yes, he saved my life, but that�s about it. (Oh poor naive little Eike.) It just isn�t possible for me to call him up. (I haven�t got his number!!) You�ve got to understand.

Black Hugo: (Ignoring him too.) I�ll give you twenty minutes. If you don�t bring him to me in twenty minutes, I�m just going to disappear. (OH NO.) Sorry, sis, but I�ll have to leave you behind in this age. (NO!! GOD NO!! DON�T MAKE THE REST OF US SUFFER JUST BECAUSE EIKE�S A DIPWAD!!)

Mary Sue: Hugo... what do you think you�re doing? (Duh Dipshitington he just said.)

Black Hugo: Don�t worry, even if I do end up doing that, nothings going to happen to you. (Yeah, because the game designers hate me.) (Hugo turns to Eike as he speaks the next line all dramatically.) "Leaving your ancestress in this time". You understand what that means, right? (Don�t count on it honey.) Go on, hurry up.

(Eike glares at Hugo a bit more before the screen fades out.)

(Okay lets take a moment to lay out the facts: Hugo is Mr. Killer, well to be precise Black Hugo is Mr. Killer and he wants to kill Homy and he figures the best way to knock him off was to knock off Eike. But since Homy didn�t particularly feel like dying today he got off of his parachute panted posterior and enlisted Eike�s unknowing help into securing his own existence. Eike didn�t want to die either, but he had no clue he was being used to help Homy live too (though he did hint to it back in Chapter 3) so he happily went about his own business, saving his life and charming the pants off of every person he met. Eike got stone to Wolfy, Wolfy made Homy, house blew up, Wolfy went missing, Hugo got mad, got "Time Machine" and traveled to the future to kill Eike off before above said stuff could happen. Hugo failed, decided that sticking a knife into Homy might be the best bet and takes Mary Sue hostage so that Eike will bring Homy to him so that he can do so. Right, now that we have the facts out of the way, this is the bit where we do all the separate endings. The one I am going to do first is Ending A which is, in my opinion, the worst ending of them all. But I won�t give too much away here. At this point, you could get the A, B1, B2, or C endings.)

(CHAPTER A EVENTS THAT LEAD UP TO THE A ENDING.)

(The Digipad glows. Eike can go to either two places in the past. One is the past where we saw Homy stealing the baby and Eike comments that he�s once seen Homy in that time; the other is back to the 1500�s where �something happened to Hugo.� Well, I�m not all out to see what that �something� is, and I have to do the stuff that will progress to the A ending anyway, so I go back to young Mr. Eckart time. Eike is plonked down in the snowy Town Square after his usual enthralling trip through the �Shiny, shiny, sparkly wormhole of bitter Star Trek fans everywhere.� The idea is to run Eike down Haup St where Homy is chilling out against a tree, sitting in the snow. Now I�ve told you what is going to happen, I�ll actually take Eike there so I can recap the dialogue. Hold on one second... Ah there we go! Cut scene. Homy is leaning against the tree with his eyes closed and his arm resting on one knee. As Eike disturbs him he lifts his chin and looks at him, his expression akin to how Wakka might look after he found and smoked all the Marijuana growing behind Besaid temple. This is mellowed out people, not fucking ecstatic.)

Homy: Hi, how are things? I�m not doing too well, as you can see. (Some guys just can�t hold their dope.) This body can get a little tiresome sometimes. (I know the feeling, brudda.) It must be nice to have a human one.

Eike: (Ignoring all the sexual overtures that comment provokes and the sound of a million female Yaoi fans powering their crusty pens into lemon writing motion. Oh I bet there�s a billion and one fanfics that have these two getting busy in the snow. I just have yet to find them.) Could you come with me for a second? Hugo�s looking for you, and I have a few things I need to ask you too.

Homy: (Fortunately is not all over that like he once may have been. He just continues to sit there, looking stoned and pensive. �Dude, like reeee~lla~aaax... There�ll be mondo time for questions later. Feel the peace of the snow, duuuddeee....�) Hmm, Hugo, eh, Which means you know who the killer is, I guess. (Too bad if he didn�t. Homy suddenly goes normal and his stony-ness disappears as he turns his head towards Eike.) Let me guess what Hugo�s plan is�He�s going to leave Margarete [Mary Sue] in the present and wipe you, her descendent out, that way. (Boy, have I missed having a character around that knows what he�s talking about.)

Eike: You knew about this?

Homy: Since I was willing to give you time-travelling powers, you didn�t expect me to just sit around, did you? (Can�t speak for Eike but I expected Homy to be straddling his waist by that point.) I tested out a few histories�that particular outcome is just a variation on a theme, so it was fairly easy to guess. (Looks back down, facing his legs. We get a gratious groin shot as the camera focuses on Homy between his legs and it is at this point that I would like to thank the game designers for taking into consideration all the girl and gay guy gamers out there. On occasion, they do come through for us.) It�s the sort of thing Hugo would think of. So I�please don�t thank me, I just wanted to help�(Long Dramatic Pause of Evil Revolutions) switched kids. I found a baby, just about the same age. (Evil Snicker of Untainted Evil) Is the Margarete you know blonde and blue-eyed? (Oh I get it... Homy�s trying to relate to Eike on the same level! He�s pretending to be straight so that he can have another chance to woo him!! ... Oh, he�s talking about the plot twist... My bad...)

Eike: (Is still back somewhere with �switched kids.� He hasn�t yet made the connection between, �Eike goes back in time and see�s Homy steal baby + Eike goes back to the same time later and finds Homy in same time as when he saw him steal the baby + Homy mentions switching kids + Mary Sue left in future would wipe out Eike�s existence (and everyone else�s for that matter) + switching kids would prevent him from dying = Homy is a baby stealing bastard.) What�what are you saying? Switched babies?? (Dramatic step forward) Isn�t Margarete an ancestress of mine?

Homy: (Leaps up and throttles Eike. Actually no. He just snags a big hit off of his bong whilst the camera�s on Eike and manages to contain any physical threats he has towards the blonde.) Well, that�s my theory. (Once more he oh so cleverly, skirts the question.) There�s something uncanny about your involvement with that family, don�t you think? (�Uncanny?� Yeah right Homy, the involvement is you tricking him into contributing to your creation.) It is after all, the simplest explanation. Well? If she isn�t a blonde, it means my plan worked. (What? To stop bleach from ever being invented?) No matter what happens to Margarete, your existence is an assured fact. (I suddenly feel like all my Christmas�s have come at once. Homy, did I ever mention I have a penchant for older albino genies with boobs? I have lots of coffee and tea too...

Homy, breaking my heart and ignoring me, continues on with his explanation of EVAL revelations. Well I don�t need you either pal.)

Homy: Don�t worry, I�ll switch things back to the way they were after all this is over.

Eike: (Finally understanding what Homy is saying after a billion kazillion years.) You switched Margarete with Mr. Eckarts daughter??

Homy: So what? (He says kindly.) Eike. No big deal, I say. She was going to die, alongside her mother, and I saved her life. (Hold on just one fucking cotton picking minute; The world, could very much have been a happy, happy place that existed quite harmoniously enough without Mary Sue, because she died as a baby, but Homy saved her from dying in the first place? Mary Sue is still around, because Homy saved her life? ... There�s got to be some mistake. I refuse to believe this... Homy could never do something that cruel! But then again, he did send her back into the past so that Eike could survive and the 21�st century would never have to deal with her so maybe I can find it in my heart to forgive him. Maybe. But then again, dude Mary Sue was supposed to die!! Grr! I think that if I were married to Homy and I found this out, I would have no other alternative but to divorce him. This is the sort of things that destroys marriages and ruins lives.)

Homy: It�s harmless compared to Hugo trying to cancel your existence by stranding Margarete in the future. Don�t you think? Master Hugo�s plans will fail thanks to me. (Okay, since when was Homy Hugo�s man slave and was entitled to call him �Master�?)

Eike: (Not able to believe what he is hearing, turns his back on Homy giving the latter a chance to scope out his butt.) Oh God... So that�s what really happened when Mr. Eckart�s daughter disappeared... (Dammit Eike!! Get it into your thick stupid blonde airhead head already!!!!) Wait a second�(Turns back to Homy whose puffing away merrily on his bong and thinking about what�s on the telly tonight.) Did you murder his wife too!?

...

...
Quiz 8: What well known facts make what Eike just said the stupidest assumption ever?

In Chapter 3 Homy told Eike that he was exhausted simply lifting a baby. What in Eike�s right mind, makes him stupid enough to think that Homy could lift an gun and aim it at Miriam without killing himself in the attempt?

Homy is an immortal being and has displayed his usage of supernatural powers more then once. Why, why, why would a demon use a gun when he could simply use said powers and blast Miriam into oblivion with them?

After managing to heft the gun, shoot Miriam dead, stash the gun in his spacious parachute pants, wrestle the baby off of dying woman and run away with it, wouldn�t it be safe to say that Homy would be deader then Miriam was? He�s a fragile delicate little man.

Since Eike saved Miriam from being shot, technically she didn�t die therefore Homy couldn�t have murdered her. It was a murder attempt. Duh.

If Homy had to kill someone, he would use his nails. Who needs firearms when you have fingernails!?

All the above.

What�s stupid is that you haven�t accepted the fact that Eike is just stupid. He is stupid. Get over it.

Homy: (After he finishes laughing his butt off at Eike, he says exactly what the quiz reiterated in abbreviated form.) Who, me? As if I�d risk myself in doing that.... (Struggling to his feet.) Do you have any idea how fragile my body is? I have to take good care of it so that it won�t break. I�m really not very strong. (He says this in a really homosexual voice, not unlike my own.) Just now, I had to rest a little here and the next thing I know, there are people all over the crime scene. (Homy was probably hiding by the tree so no one would stare at his rack.) So I couldn�t complete the switch... But I did manage to bring the real Margarete to this time. Under the name Dana, of course. No need to worry.

Eike: I don�t believe the stunts you pull. These are people�s lives, their fates that you�re dealing with here.

Homy: (Not caring.) Hmm�you lost me there for a second, Eike. Sorry, but I�m not human, so I wouldn�t know anything about that.

Eike: (Taking a step forward.) You-

Homy: (Turning into Exposition Homy and putting on his Exposition boots.) But I do believe in the power of fate, you know. (Putting his back to Eike because turn about�s fair play dontch�know.) No matter how much you meddle it always wants to go back to the way it was. It has a kind of homing instinct, if you catch my drift. (I�m sure Eike wants nothing more then to catch your drift, Homy.) That�s why we�re having so much trouble getting "Death Du Jour" off your menu. (Okay... WTF? Homy, why did you have to go and say something like that? Homy�s coolness has just gone down a notch, but that�s okay since he has coolness to spare but still... damn.)

Eike: (Thinking that he did in fact eat "Death Du Jour" in Chapter 5.) I know what I said about not wanting to die. (Long pause of justified wankyness.) But... You have to stop changing other people�s destinies so...casually. I mean, why do you have to go that far? (Probably because it�s how he gets his jollies, Eike.)

Homy: (Putting his hands on his hips as opposed to Eike�s hips, even though you know that he is just dying to get himself some hot blonde wanker action.) Well, if you�re that unhappy about it Eike, would you like me to change it back? Of course, it has to be after she�s turned 20, after she�s taken hostage by Hugo. Otherwise, there�s no point in switching them in the first place.

Eike: You...! (Comes up behind Homy all prepared to lecture him extensively about how he can�t continue to do these naughty, naughty things. Homy meanwhile is just grinning away as he thinks about all the naughty, naughty things he�d much rather be doing to Eike right now.) 20 years isn�t something you can just erase from memory and relive...! Don�t you understand how... ... how serious time is?

Homy: (Turns to face him slowly with a look of malice on his face even I could only hope to aspire too. Damn, he looks evil right now.) Excuse me? (And sounds twice as evil.) Are you trying to lecture me, Eike? After all I�ve done for you.

(Eike just looks to the side as though he doesn�t really agree with this statement and Homy get�s all snotty with him for being such a noble piece of doo-doo. Oh and for the record, considering that Homy was sitting in the snow for God knows how long, it�s amazing how dry the seat of his velvet pants are. Not that I�m looking at the back of Homy�s pants or anything... ah shit... #^.^#)

Homy: (Apparently disgusted.) Humans are nothing but trouble. Really. Well, see you later, then. (Walks off, waves and starts to disappear.)

Eike: Wait! Where do you think you�re going?! (Chases after him but the Homy trains already departed. ... Wait a second... why do I type shit like that? And I was making fun of Homy�s Death Du Jour line!)

(N E way, Eike looks around just to ensure that the scene is further dragged out just for the purpose of pissing off Akito Sohma.)

Eike: He said something weird�(talk about huge fucking understatement) "Homing instinct" ...? (There is a little flashback scene to before of Dana telling Eike that she feels staying in the past is right for her.) No way... was that it...? So Dana is my�And Margarete is Mr. Eckarts daughter... Can that be it?

(That�s it. I give up. Eike has gone in a complete circle during this entire conversation and repeated himself over and over again without any of the knowledge sinking into his thick blonde skull. Let�s put it this way; if brains were something you could sell off for extra cash, Eike�s would have a little sign stapled to it reading; "Brain for Sale! Hardly used!" I am really starting to hate him right now. Why can�t he just accept the truth and say, �Yeah, sure that must be true BECAUSE IT MAKES FUCKING SENSE.� But no, he has to think and think and think and think and think and think and think about it, in order to finally comprehend it by the time the games over and done with. I have just wasted 5 minutes of my life writing out this conversation that was just a montage of repeated information. Eike is so on my shit list right now.

But maybe I won�t have to handle this alone for much longer. Shenai just walked in singing; "Homy is a bitch, he�s a skinny little bitch, he�s the skinniest little bitch in the whole wide world-" to the theme of "Kyle�s Mom�s a bitch" from Southpark. I am amused. But now since Shenai�s arms are reattached maybe she can help me write out some of this stuff. What? You want us to take it in turns? But- But- .... No don�t pair me up with Tohru in a lemon I�LL TAKE IT IN TURNS JUST DON�T DO THAT!!!! Okay, crisis momentarily diverted, back to the riveting and highly intelligent plight of Eike.)

(His conversation with Homy over, Eike must now return to the future and speak with the Fortune-Teller woman. (AKA: Sybil.) Why? Because this is what he has to do to get Ending A alright? Now stop asking such stupid questions.

(Next scene: The future looks bleak.) (Once again I�m typing stupid shit.)

(Eike goes Back to the Future (TM) and reappears just beside Sybil�s place. Well, ain�t that handy. He goes inside and a little cut scene starts.)

Sybil: Welcome.

Eike: Ah...

Sybil: Yes...? (She creeps. God, can�t this woman just speak normally?)

Eike: You�re...? Who are you...? (If she says; "Eike, I�m your father" I�m turning this game off right now.)

Sybil: Would you really like to know? (No. He just asked because he�s expecting you to ignore him like everybody else.)

Eike: If you really don�t mind telling me.

Sybil: Could it be that you are here because you have some idea of what that answer will be? (No dipshit. He�s here because he has to do this to get Ending A.) I met you once...long, long ago. (In a galaxy far, far away...) I could not have imagined then that we would meet again under such circumstances. I�d listen to Hugo talking, of course. (THWACK!! Ow! Fucking revelation mallet just clonked me square on the head.) But�how could I have believed these wild fantasies about time travel? That is, until I became what I was and saw you again... (Impending Revelation time boys and girls!) Yes, long ago, (close up of Sybil�s face) I was called Helena. (THWACK!! Ow!! Oh well, she�s still going to be Sybil in this recap baby!) I had a life of my own, and two children named Margarete (Mary Sue) and Hugo. (Now we see Eike�s horrified expression as he finally understands just why the poor woman died. She had a Mary Sue, a crazy psychopath with a split personality and a braindead guy who spent years making soup as a family. Who wouldn�t die in her shoes?) But I was also very ill...

(There is a black out and I wonder if all Sybils candles have all gone out, but then I realize that it�s just the game designers being dicks as per usual. The scene opens up with a slow pan in of Sybil sitting in the exact same spot and Eike moving just a tad closer. Well Gee, I guess I can see why they needed that black out scene then. Wankers.)

Sybil: (Whipping out her Exposition Robes and donning them) When we first met, I couldn�t even raise myself from the bed anymore. And soon afterwards, I died... (I can�t help but be happy for her when I think about the alternative to her death; a life with Mary Sue. I�d rather tie a steak to my ass and run through a wolverine enclosure than live with her for any amount of time.) (Eike sits down infront of her, full of sympathy for the suffering woman.) All that was left of my existence was a lock of hair, (THWACK!! Well used plot mallet.) as it should have been. But Hugo�my son Hugo (NO! Really? I thought it was the other Hugo that hasn�t been involved in the story line extensively. Eike�s dumbassitude is rubbing off on poor Sybil.) found the Homunculus device (since when was Homy a device?) that his father had been experimenting with, and he used my hair in the machine.

(This prompts a flashback scene to show Hugo doing said experiment. In case you hadn�t realized yet, this was the occasion when Wolfy got mad at Hugo and threw him out of the lab. Also because he�s a territorial bastard but they never actually say this.)

(Next scene: Hubble bubble, toil and trouble...)

(Hugo is wanking around in the �Secret Lab� (not like that!) looking over some notes and a pot at the kiln. This apparently is the Homunculus Device, though if you ask me I still think it�s Wolfy�s soup. Geez, no wonder he got so crabby. Hugo examines the notes, then drops what presumably is [Sybil�s] lock of hair into the soup. I don�t think that�s going to add much flavor to it. N E way, the soup chucks a tantee and suddenly a weird screaming noise erupts from it and a funnel of white cloud or something bursts out of it and into the air. All Wolfy�s phallic shaped pots fall off the shelves and shatter against the floor and the Dual shock, clearly in it�s element, starts vibrating like a vibrator on Super Speed. No this does not excite me and I do not do anything with said controller. God, you�re sick.)

Hugo: Mother!? (What? He thinks his Mom�s a pot of soup with anger management issues?)

Sybil�s Voice: (As the Camera pans around the room crazily.) Hugo... what are you... please stop this... Hugo... send me back... Help me...

Hugo: (Falls back on his ass and watches in horror as the funnel of fog starts to fade away and a heavy blanket of mist settles around the room. He doesn�t even think for one second, that grabbing a staff, dancing in a circle and singing the Hymn of the Fayth could solve all his problems, oh no. He just sits and stares like a total choad.)

Wolfy: (Coming down the stairs. (Not like that!)) What are you doing here!

Hugo: Father�(Ooh shit, he�s in trouble.) I-I...

Wolfy: (Looking extremely shitty, stomps over to Hugo, grabs his shoulder and pushes him towards the stairs.) Never mind, just get out!

Hugo: Father! B-but Father...

Wolfy: You are not to enter this room again!

Sybil�s voice over: (Not to be confused with Sybil�s Voice.) (Speaks over the scene as Hugo stands by the stairs looking quite glum.) Hugo�s act brought back my spirit alone to this world, stripped of the protection of the body. And the disembodied spirit, kept forever from rest...

(Scene fades out then fades back in at the Fortune-Tellers place. We get a nice little pan over the wall and all it�s purple candles and weirdo symbols. Shenai just piped up that Hugo must have an Oedipus complex. The dictionary defines Oedipus complex as; "the unconscious tendency of a child to be attached to the parent of the opposite sex." As if Hugo wasn�t disturbing enough. Still, this does make a lot of sense so I must agree that Hugo is a poor messed up kid. Not that anyone could blame him, after all, who wouldn�t be messed up after living with Mary Sue for 16 years? I lived with one for a few months and I went even crazier then I was to begin with. Still, at least I walked away from it minus a split personality disorder and an Oedipus complex. Thank the Lord for small favors.

Now, back to the script.)

Sybil: ...has been wandering this earth through time, and will for all eternity.

Eike: (Who for some odd reason is standing, now.) Have you told him? Told Hugo about this?

Sybil: Oh yes Eike. We sat down and discussed it just before you came in you big studly wanker. (Well, that�s what she would have said if she was me.) No. I have not told Hugo. He cannot see me, nor hear me.

Eike: Why are you helping me? (No offense Eike, but she really hasn�t been that great a help.)

Sybil: You�re very special�(that�s a nice way of putting it.) you can hear my voice. The only people I can reach are those who have ended their stay in this world of the living, and are on their way to the next. (To the Farplane.)

Eike: Oh great. So I have one foot in the grave, is that it?

Sybil: Perhaps. (Way ta go Sybil. Give the guy hope.) But you are trying to deflect your destiny away from immediate death. And the cause of your death rests with Hugo, my son. (THWACK!!) So, I suppose I was hoping that fate could be swayed. Just like that creature is, (THWACK!!) I know how powerful fate is, but I still hoped... Though of course, for a very different reason from the creature�s. (THWACK!!)

Eike: (Derp.) The creature?

Sybil: (Practically spitting the name.) Homunculus... (Hey, I was expecting her to say Mary Sue.) My husband did not create it, you know. It�s true nature is far from that. It�s a kind of genie, trapped in the Philosophers Stone. (I guess the parachute pants should have tipped us off way, way back in Chapter 3. Oh and here�s some random unnecessary fanwank information for all you Shadow of Destiny geeks out there. Homy�s real name is, Barqu: "A demon who keeps the secrets of the Philosopher�s Stone." If anyone wants to argue this point with me, then go right ahead. I know I�m right.) All my husband did was free it.

Eike: (Looking particularly unnerved by this shocking revelation that Homy was not the little Angel he pretended (not so well) to be.) That can�t be...

Sybil: What I have told you, I pieced together from what other souls told me in my wanderings, ever since I became what I am now. (Oh get over it.) Of course, not all of it may be true. (Well that really clears that up.) I�ve kept you long enough haven�t I? You must go...

(Eike, looking thoroughly confused for a change, sort of idily turns around and takes one eensy winsy baby step towards the door. We get a nice ass shot as though this somehow makes up for having to inevitably deal with Mary Sue. It doesn�t.)

Sybil: Fate is something that belongs to you, and the only one who can change it is yourself. My work is near it�s end... there is only one thing... ...one thing I ask of you. (Slow pan of Sybil in the background moving slowly sideways to eventually reveal Eike�s face. I have to admit, I like this shot.) Should you ever see Hugo again, tell him.... Tell him, "You have done an unforgivable thing... but I forgive you, even if no one else can." (Eike closes his eyes, revealing that he wears Shenai�s red eye shadow, and then opens them to see the Fortune-Teller�s place turn to rubble around him. The room is an empty concrete wreck and not once trace of it remains from how it looked before. Creepy...)

(Next Scene: Hugo... I am your father.)

(The scene opens up outside the Fortune-Tellers place, where Eike is just hanging out doing nothing in particular. He whips around as he hears someone walking towards him as though the clicky-clacky sound of the compressing heels wouldn�t have clued him off to who it was.)

Eike: Who�s there!?

Homy: (Rounding the corner casually. Yep, he�s stoned alright.) No need to be surprised. (Looks at him critically.) You are a nervous one, aren�t you Eike? (And really, why should he be nervous in the presence of a pot smoking, baby stealing bastard, chibi genie whose been trying to get into his pants from day one? Heaven forbid.) What did you want with this ruin? Four hundred years ago, it was a laboratory�(uh, random exposition?) now it�s just a mess. (And he doesn�t sound the least bit ashamed of himself either.)

Eike: You didn�t see anything? You know, in here--? (Um... did Eike miss the part where Homy didn�t actually enter the building?)

Homy: Oh, you saw the spirit? So you can see it, can�t you? (Says this in a really pervy way not that he talks any other way and puts his hands on his hips. Oh for God�s sake just have some sake and screw the bastard already, you big prostitute!! - - Ow, okay Shenai stop hitting me now...) I can see the living, and I can see the souls of the dead. (Flinches away from house like a girl who has just trodden in something gross. I should stop thinking the guy couldn�t get any campier, because he always manages to go and prove me wrong.) But I can�t see the thing that lives here. Gives me the creeps, really. (Ooh, yeah you go girl.) I can sense something, but that�s it.

Eike: (Gets an idea of his very own. Holy fucking shit is anyone taping this?) Hey, can you call up spirits?

Homy: (Taking a sudden step backwards and staring at Eike as though he just said; "Vuele vucuu she avec moi?" And shut up, I know that�s not how it�s spelt, but some of us aren�t fluent in the French dialect smarty pant�s.) Excuse me?

Eike: (Ignoring the fact that Homy is about to run screaming into the night.) Well, for example, if Dr. Wagner could have a talk with Hugo right now, (about the birds and the bees) and Hugo understands what his father was really trying to do, (blow up his house) maybe Hugo would change his mind about all this... What do you think?

Homy: (Positively gobsmacked that Eike has managed to come up with something smart that actually makes sense. Jesus Christ, are we in bizarro land or something?) Well, well. I hadn�t thought of that. (Not that he would be thinking too hard since it�s not as though any of this shit is relevant to him at this point.) Dr. Wagner, of course... Nothing could be simpler. (Actually, I think Eike and Mary Sue could possibly be. But then again, that�s just everyone�s opinion.)

Eike: Really? (He sounds so happy that Homy actually agrees with his stupid idea. ((Visualizes Eike jumping up and down Mine style screaming: "Yay, I got a compliment! YAY!!"))

Homy: Really. Wait a moment, and I�ll fetch Dr. Wagner. (He makes it sound as though Wolfy is just chilling out down the road at the bar or something. Homy however, goes back down the alleyway he appeared out of and beckons for Eike to join him.) Come over here.

Eike: (Naturally looks apprehensive about going into a dark alleyway with a homosexual Homy, but it seems he relents in the end because there is a fade out at this point. Why God, why did you have to fade this scene out? I think after all the Mary Sue and Sybil wankst you should at least appease our poor abused souls *and eyes* with a Homy/Eike sex scene. )

Next scene: Homy�s home cooking.

(The scene re-opens up with Eike and Homy standing on opposite ends of the alley. Oh... guess they didn�t have a sex scene then. Well, maybe I can just pretend that they did. It will make the upcoming ending that much easier for me to stomach. N E way, the way Eike and Homy stand facing each other, reminds me of an old Western movie. I�m just waiting for the newspaper/tumble weed to blow across their path as their hands itch towards their guns. Take that anyway, you like it. Homy does indeed draw, only he does so by raising his index finger to his mouth and talking to it. I swear I�m not making this stuff up. He starts chanting to it in this really weird wobbly language, the closet written approximation being; "Awascha shawwa shawwa, Awascha hushgha hubba shawwa shawwa shubbu, shubbu ." Stop looking at me like that. This is exactly the same shit that is happening on the game. Homy�s the stoned one, not me. As Eike looks on more calmly then a normal person would be at this point, the end of Homy�s finger starts to glow with light. Eike starts to wonder if that would work on other things too. I imagine it would be handy in dark places. N E how, Homy draws his finger away from his mouth as he wraps up the stoned chanting then points it at the ground. There is a little explosion noise, like the type you hear when Eike time travels and a circle of light appears on the ground, a white vapor rising up from it. Eike steps back from the newly created hole and Homy stares down at it expressionlessly.)

Homy: You�d better stand back Eike. He�s about ready.

(The way Homy says this, makes it sound as though Wolfy is a tray of scones or something. I think we have our answer to what glowing light in the ground is. It�s a damn Supernatural Oven for Cooking up People TM. Now I suck at cooking even food so I imagine that baking a person would be even more complicated, but Homy seems quite the chef. As Eike takes a few tentative steps backwards, more vapor starts to bubble out of the glow and eventually shoots up to form a cylindrical wall. Homy is all cool with this, but of course Eike has to reel back shielding his face as though he just walked in on Mary Sue naked. After a while, a person starts to take shape in the steam that continues to swirl upwards into the air. Jesus Christ Homy, take it easy or you�ll burn the sucker. As the vapor fades away we see that it is indeed Wolfy standing there, though he looks a tad baked (no pun intended.) if you ask me. Maybe he hit Homy�s ganj before hopping in the SOCUP, it would explain so much. Right now I would pay money to hear Homy say; "Now here�s one I prepared earlier!" Unfortunately, the little choad doesn�t share my sense of humor, he just stares creepily at Wolfy for a bit then starts talking to his finger again, which once more starts to glow with ethereal light. I know I�m turned on. He extends his finger towards Wolfy�s face, holds it still for a second then trails it down through the air for maybe three inches, give or take a Cm. Wolfy�s eyes flicker in the pupils, which I guess means he has been animated. Or has a soul. Whatever. He�s alive and kicking, okay? I�m sure someone out there can fanwank this into making sense, but it sure isn�t me. But I must give Homy a round of applause for being such a talented bad ass, evil bastard that can cook as well as clean. Not that I�ve seen him cleaning but as Shenai said, it doesn�t hurt to imagine him in a little maids uniform.)

Homy: (Looking extremely adorable and cute. You know... just for a change.) Now, he�s ready. Hello Professor, how do you feel? (Raising an eyebrow, and looking Wolfy up and down, whilst he says the line like Michelle Pfiefer on "What lies beneath." Something is inherently wrong here and my eyes hurt from trying to claw them out. Why Homy, why? Why have you forsaken me? Are you trying to make Eike jealous, because this is not the way to go about it! Don�t do this to yourself!!)

Wolfy: (Fortunately, is too old for Homy (even though Homy is undoubtedly older) and just crosses his eyes. WTF? Does that not make sense to anyone else? Oh yeah that�s right... the pot.)

Eike: (Feeling left out and jealous, runs up alongside Wolfy and leans around to look up at him.) Dr. Wagner?

Wolfy: (Staring at him.) Aren�t you�Wasn�t it you who brought me the Philosopher�s Stone?

Eike: That�s right. I�m Eike. Doctor, I have a favor I need to ask you. (Why do I suddenly feel apprehensive about the upcoming conversation? If there�s a blackout and I hear Eike coughing, I�m gone. Homy is thinking along the same lines as me, so he quickly backs his fanny out of there, walking backwards towards the camera so we get a nice ass shot before he shifts out.) I don�t know how to say this, but�Your son, Hugo, (You know, the one that�s been heavily involved in the story line up until this point?) is trying to kill me. He thinks that what happened to you, and his whole family, (It�s at this point that Homy disappears) was Homunculus�s fault, (Dr. Wagner: It was. Eike: Oh... shit. ... HOMY!!!) and that Homunculus would never have been created if I hadn�t helped you. He told me this himself. He also said that he was going to use the Philosopher�s Stone to bring his mother back to life....

Wolfy: (Seriously desiring a beer at this point.) Good Lord... Where is Hugo right now?

Eike: He�s right over there. (Makes no indication at all where "Over there" is. Good one dumbass.) It�s more then 400 years from your time. (Gee, well I�m sure he couldn�t have guessed that from the street lights, the cars, the futuristic crap, the flying cars and the damn dirty apes running about. No, he needs Eike of all people to spoon feed him obvious information.)

Wolfy: Ah�I must see him, I must speak with Hugo. He needs to know the truth. (That it was actually me who wanted to blow up the house... and succeeded with flying colors if you ask me. Did you see that wreck? WHOO-HOO!!!) I see now that this is why you�ve brought me here.

Eike: So, you will speak with Hugo?

...

...

... >.<
Quiz 9: What does Eike suffer from the makes him completely disregard confirmed information he heard from 2 seconds ago?

Selective hearing. Even smart people can miss really obvious things if their ears only pay attention when they want to.

Tohru-itis. A surge of stupidity that rushes through the body from the brain, making it impossible to comprehend even the simplest of things.

Blonde-ness. A bleach overload that causes his brain to malfunction.

Screen saver mode. He got bored and blocked out everything Wolfy was saying and only started paying attention when he stopped talking.

Luuurve. He was too busy thinking about Homy�s sweet ass to pay attention to anything else. Understandable really.

Plain, simple good old fashioned stupidity. When are you going to realize that there�s no hope for the boy? He�s just fucking stupid.

All of the above, plus a tendency to use hallucinogenic drugs, large amounts of alcohol not to mention all the grief he�s had to suffer with from losing Dana, and having to see Mary Sue. The guy is not having a good day, so cut him some slack would ya?

Wolfy: (Instead of making as huge a deal out of Eike�s dumbasstitude like I did, he chooses to ignore it.) Yes, it is my duty. Will you take me to him?

Eike: Gladly. (Why does Eike sound so eager to get Wolfy and Hugo together? Maybe some things are better off not knowing. There is a blackout, but thankfully no coughing.)

(Next scene: Back into Hell.)

(The scene opens back up on the public square with Mary Sue sitting on a bench and Hugo standing infront of her still holding the knife. No offense, but if my younger brother by 4 years was holding me hostage I�d be feeling pretty stupid. But then again, I guess Mary Sue is used to feeling stupid. The two of them chill out, Hugo seriously considering just stabbing Mary Sue anyway when Wolfy and Eike approach from the side alleyway.)

Black Hugo: Did you bring him!? (He sounds so eager to see Homy doesn�t he? A little too eager if you ask me...)

Wolfy: (Loud Booming Voice of Authority over Small Children and Black Hugo�s Tm.) Hugo!

Black Hugo: (Squinting into the darkness.) Who�s there?

Wolfy: (Stopping on the other side of the road from the square.) Eike, please stay here. I will handle this.

Eike: Of course. Be careful. (He of course doesn�t object, because it�s not his hot little hinny that�s at risk here. What follows is disturbing, as Wolfy and Eike gaze at each other in longing until Hugo gets nauseated and yells again.)

Black Hugo: Did you bring Homunculus? ($1000)

Wolfy: (Dramatically.) Good-bye, Eike. (Turns and walks across the road towards Hugo, who in case you�d forgotten, is his son. Supposedly.) Hugo!

Black Hugo: (Takes a step back.) F-father!? (Mary Sue also stands up in surprise. I wish Hugo would just stab her and make me happy. Who cares about loose ends? Mary Sue would be dead, I�d say that�s a pretty terrific ending there on it�s own.)

Wolfy: (Walking towards them all determined like.)

Mary Sue: Father? (God, do they really think we�re all a bunch of drooling morons that can�t figure out who the guy is ourselves? We did just see the entire previous scene you huge ass-whipes.)

Hugo: (Going white, when at this point I would be going green.) Father, you�re alive? (Runs towards him and the pair meet in the center of the square, reuniting like old lovers. ... Okay, I made that part up. They do actually meet in the square center, but it�s not quite that passionate.) H-how did you get here? (He built a raft, Hugey Boy. Or, he got sucked up Sin�s ass cavity. Or he came via the Supernatural Oven for Cooking up People TM, who gives a fuck? The point is that he is here, and we are all just so freaking happy we could explode. Or not.)

Wolfy: Hugo- - - what do you think you are doing? Did your mother and I give you life so that you could take another�s? (He makes it sound as though he�s the blue fairy and Hugo was Pinnochio. I don�t think there�s anything in this world I would like to see less, then Wolfy dressed as a fairy. Unless of course, it�s Wolfy naked. Oh god, I think I just gave myself nightmares.)

Hugo: N-no, that�s no it, there�s a reason.... (Suddenly remembers the very pointy knife in his hand and quickly hides it behind his back. Way to go Hugo, I�m sure Wolfy didn�t notice that.)

Wolfy: Then stop your attempts on Eike�s life. Do you understand? (I�m hoping this means he can still kill Mary Sue.) If you do that, I will tell you all about my research.

Hugo: (Clearly a bit indecisive about whether or not this is a fair trade. But come on it�s Eike for crying out loud, not Mary Sue. At least Eike is cute.) Okay.... I understand.

Wolfy: That�s my boy. (Says this in a way that makes me feel unclean. I think I�m going to need to take a scalding hot shower and burn every layer of my skin off once I�m done with this chapter.) Come with me.

Hugo: (Looks up slowly, then nods.) Okay.

(Hugo moves forward and is taken into Wolfy�s... embrace. I bet you thought I was going to say something else weren�t you? God you�re sick. )

Wolfy: Let us go, then. (A familiar white vapor suddenly appears around them and I wonder if perhaps it�s some kind of reaction like a vampire to light or something and they�re burning each other. But then I remember that Mary Sue is the unholy creature, not any of them. The camera pans down to show that the Supernatural Oven for Cooking up People TM has appeared beneath their feet and appears to be set on 300 degrees Celsius. Ouch, that�s gotta hurt. Eike looks on, eyebrows furrowed as he starts to realize that Something�s Not Right. Hugo closes his eyes as he leans against his fathers chest, feeling loved and accepted for the first time by his estranged daddy. Actually... I wouldn�t know what the fuck he�s feeling because I�m not him, but I was trying to sound all cool and literate. I failed. Bite me.)

Mary Sue: (Feeling jealous that she doesn�t get a ride on the Supernatural Oven for Cooking up People TM) Father!? Where are you going? (Rushes up to him and Hugo.)

Eike: (Also rushing up.) Dr. Wagner!

(The camera pans in as Wolfy looks up and smiles what�s supposed to be an evil smile of evilness. Unfortunately he doesn�t quite pull it off and it just looks like a dirty old Priest who is about to lure some little kid into the back room of his church with candy.)

Mary Sue: That isn�t... my father?!

Eike: What!? (Yeah, I can really see why these two are the brains behind this gaming cast.)

(The steam increases in intensity then starts to slowly fade away, taking Hugo and Wolfy with it. Unfortunately, Mary Sue is still there. Shit, I don�t like where this is going. Couldn�t Hugo at least have left the knife so that someone else could do the honors? Eike stares in horror, just trying to figure out WTF�s going on.)

Mary Sue: What�what was that? And where did they go!?

(With a chuckle and a clicky clack of compressing high heels, Homy makes his entrance after �casually� scooting off before.)

Homy: How�s that? Good? (He sounds like he�s talking to Eike about the little edited �Sex scene� they had before. At least, I�ll pretend that�s what he�s talking about. Is there any sentence structure where Homy doesn�t manage to make himself sound like the biggest fucking slut on the planet? Still... I suppose people say the same thing about me.)

Mary Sue: (Not even wondering just who the Hell this freaky little impish genie dude is.) W-what�s going on?

Eike: Where did you take them!?

Homy: (Not caring.) I wouldn�t know. (This shot is taken from around his boobs up, because what we need right about now is some more fucking fanservice. I don�t know why I�m complaining, but as you all know... boobs are the things I chose to distance myself from. NaPap seems interested though, a fact that disturbs me beyond repair.)

Eike: Why not? Dr. Wagner... (Since when was Homy Dr. Wagner?)

Homy: (Cutely, like an innocent little high school girl. Why am I typing shit like this when I know it�s just going to turn me on even more?) Oh, that wasn�t Dr. Wagner, Eike.

Eike: What?

Homy: (The camera pans from a behind shot of Mary Sue to show Homy standing in the background talking to Eike. This means we get an Eike ass shot, a Mary Sue ass shot and a Homy boob shot all in the last ten seconds. The game designers are trying to squeeze in as much fanservice as they can before the epilogue.) Wagner isn�t dead yet, so I can�t very well call up his spirit, can I. (Jesus Christ on a cracker, Wolfy must be getting on at this point. And by that, I mean in the age factor, not with Hugo. God.) That was a fake, get it? Just like my boobs. (Okay, I added that part.) A puppet that does exactly what I tell it to do. (I don�t get why he doesn�t just make one of Eike then. It would be so much easier then pursuing him. Still, I guess Homy prefers the real thing rather then the fake. Which doesn�t explain his boobs.) Not bad, eh? Hugo certainly fell for it.

Eike: (As the truth finally sinks in. Once again, Homy has played him for kibbles and it mightily sucks donkey balls.) Oh my God....

Homy: (Is suddenly as perky as his boobs. Guess the pot must have kicked in.) Well, that just about takes care of those murder attempts. (Throws his arms in the air like he�s suddenly going to start ballet dancing.)

Eike: (Just stares at him contemptuously, because he himself has two left feet and can�t join in the rendition of Genie in High Heeled Booties.)

Homy: (Takes pity on Eike�s inability to dance and puts his arms down. But because you can never get too much fanservice, he now puts one hand on his ass and leans his face in close to the camera to deliver the next line all whorishly.) Wouldn�t you say?

(And on that note, there is another black out and the chapter ends. They tend to do this when shit starts getting good and I feel a mighty hatred for Konami at this point.)

(End Chapter 8.)
(Epilogue. Ending A.)

(The scene reopens with Homy�s face still right in the camera. Not that I�m complaining, after all it could have been Mary Sue�s.)

Homy: (Straightens up, putting both hands on his hips now, because he�s done his bit for all the fanboys of hermaphrodite genies. This includes Shenai.) Well, looks like it�s over, doesn�t it? (Makes the Mmm-Hmm noise then looks to the side.) Good job, Eike. (The camera pans out just far enough so that we can see his body only from the boobs up. For fucks sake, were the game designers all on Horny Goat Weed when they did these last few scenes? I mean, I love Homy but enough�s enough! If I were him I would take my silicon and stick it up the game designers asses! But then again, the guy has inhuman restrain and he�s a huge tart so I don�t suppose he really minds. N E way the scene fades to black here, God only knows why, then reopens back up on a disgruntled Eike. Naturally the shot is from behind Homy, therefore we get his behind in the shot. I give up. This isn�t going to end until the game ends and I should just accept that and possibly even enjoy it, for what its worth. Like I said, it�s not as though it�s Mary Sue�s fat ass.)

Eike: ...I...I was trying to change my destiny...

Homy: Mmm-Hmm. And you did.

Eike: All this was for you? You used me.... (I�d love to count the ways Eike, or better yet see them.) To ensure you would exist, that no one would rewrite the script...

(So the truth finally comes out. Homy never actually wanted Eike�s ass, he just pretended he did so that Eike would never suspect that he was being played like the strings on a violin. This all sounds horny no matter how I put it, so I am posing the most likely explanation; Homy thought Eike was hot and if he could screw him whilst using him to stay alive, so much the better. But if not, no big loss. He�s such a badass.)

Homy: (Shaking his head, seeming thoroughly amused.) Now, let�s not have all this unpleasant talk about "using". I mean, who cares, really? (He says this so nicely, obviously so invested in how hurt Eike must feel finding out that Homy isn�t in fact madly in love with him. Burn!) Yes, yes, you managed to preserve my destiny � if you�d been killed, I would never have been born. (And this game would loose so much of it�s fanservice and the fangirls would bitch.) Immortality has it�s perks, but you have to be given life first. (I�m guessing the perks are all the time in the world to screw everyone you want. I�d also insert a joke about his boobs here but I�m a little too tired to think of a good riff at the moment.)

Eike: I see.... So I was just being used.... (Homy smacks Eike over the head with one of his boots, cracking his skull open and the game is over with. Okay, not really, but I think he would have been pretty justified in doing so.) All your talk about an ancestor � was that just to get me to go back to that time? (Uh... Eike? Remember the Sea Hare antidote? And the huge fucking tree? These things had relevance to your death and not Homy�s life at that point you stupid asstard.)

Homy: (Trying not to laugh at Eike�s stupidity and decides to simply confuse him so more.) Well. How should I know...? (Looks about so innocently and cutely it makes Kisa look like an ugly old hag in comparison. NaPap is hugging her Homunculus plushie at this point screaming; "I love you so much!!") Oh, by the way, I need the Digipad back....

(Black out for God knows why and the scene reopens up directly on Eike fishing out the Digipad.)

Eike: (Holding it out with much reluctance. He had plans involving the lottery that are now going to have to be put on hold.) Here, it�s yours.

Homy: (Staring in a really mellow way.) Oh....

Eike: What?

Homy: (Gesturing at Mary Sue lightly, trying not to make any sudden movements.) Well, why don�t you take her back to her own time? (This is Homy�s �subtle� way of saying that he doesn�t want to have to look at her any more. I can relate.)

Mary Sue: Huh? Who...? Me?

Homy: No. That fucking trashcan over there, WHO DO YOU THINK DIPSHIT!??!! DO YOU SEE ANYONE ELSE IN THE IMMEDIATE VICINITY WHO HAS BEEN BROUGHT HERE BY TIME TRAVEL?? HOW THICK CAN YOU GET YOU STUPID FUCKING MARY SUE FUCK, BURN IN HELL WITH TOHRU AND JOEY POTTER AND YURI AND ALL OTHER THINGS VILE!!!

(... ... I�m sorry. I needed to get that out of my system.)

Eike: Margarete�what do you want to do? (Please say, �commit suicide� it will really make my day.) Are you going back home or staying in this time?

(Blackout.)

Mary Sue: I...I�ll stay here. (Mother fucker, I just lost all hope for humanity.) I want to stay in this time and make a life here.

Eike: (Trying not to vomit projectile style all over her like that little girl in the Exorcist.) Are you sure? I mean...

Mary Sue: You know that... you know my father�s not coming back, right? (Even if he did know, I hope he would lie.)

Eike: That�s what I read in a book. So if we�re to trust that... (Eike... dammit, you�re only encouraging her!)

Mary Sue: Then I won�t go back. It�s too lonely by myself, and besides... I feel good here... like I belong. (I can�t fathom her belonging anywhere rather then Hell, but fuck even having her down there would be a nightmare on Elm Street.) It�s a strange thing to feel.... But I think I should go with it.

(At this point the player is presented with a choice. You can either agree with Mary Sue that her staying in the future is a cack good idea or that it�s better if she goes back to her own time. While my entire being is screaming at me to choose that second option, I have to pick that first one so that we can progress on to the most horrible, gut-wrenching scene in the history of gaming. Yes, it even wins out over the hot springs scene in Final Fantasy X-2 and Sephiroth�s death in FF7.)

The choices are as follows:

"Okay. We�ll play it your way."

"Don�t do it. It�s better for you to go home."

(As appealing as that last one is, you know what I pick. I have to pick it. I have no choice. Oh and I feel it is my responsibility to warn you about the upcoming scene. If you enjoy living in even the most miniscule way, do not continue reading because you will lose all reason to exist after witnessing this. If you are still here you are either a.) very brave b.) Hate life or c.) have no life left to live.)

Eike: (Holding Digipad back out to Homy.) Here, you can have it back,. I don�t need it anymore.

Homy: (Quite fed up with listening to all of Mary Sue�s shit and simply wanting to retire to his Swinging Limbo pad to rock the ganj some more.) Yes, hand it over. (Strides towards Eike.)

Eike: Oh...! (Somehow, don�t ask me how, he manages to fumble the Digipad and send it careening out of his hand. Homy stares at it, thinking that Eike is the most stupid butt wipe EVA and not reacting nearly as quickly as he should due to the large amounts of pot in his system.)

(But it�s okay! The Digipad sails through the air in slow motion, going sideways against all laws of physics. Homy pulls a bit of a �Dive! Dive!� expression as he lunges forward sloooo~ooowlly trying to scoop his precious Digipad out of harms way. His fingers manage to brush it, but it flips out of reach and falls sloooooo~ooowly to the ground. You just know this is going to end badly. The slow mo stops as the Digipad collides with the ground, exploding in a completely over the top way that manages to drag Homy�s head into the blast radius. This being because he was so close to the ground thanks to his dramatic dive. Anyway, he reels back, a splatter of blood erupting from his skull and cries out, but not in a sexual way. Eike and Mary Sue stare at him in shock for a moment and Eike makes a sudden movement as though he is going to run to him. Also not in a sexual way. I hope. There is a shot of Homy�s boots with blood pooling around him and then another shot to show blood spurting out of his head in a very unrealistic Mortal Combat type way. I think the point is that he is immortal and bleeds enough to kill ten men, but come on guys dial it down a bit. Just on a note, the blood doesn�t even look like real blood. It looks like shiny red goop with the consistency of mud. This again is to nail home the fact that he is; Not Human. Look game designers, we haven�t all had our heads up our asses for the last hour or so okay? Homy slaps both hands over the horrific head wound as though his skinny little palms are going to keep the Crimson Mud Gunk from escaping. It doesn�t. He looks like a fucking water fountain the way the shits spurting out.)

Homy: Oh no...!

(Okay now that�s just cruel. The way he said that makes you want to run in and rescue the slutty little bastard. He�s too cute to die! As if this isn�t painful enough as it is, the camera shows Eike standing there watching doing nothing to help. Okay, so maybe Homy used him like- well... used him, but he did stop him from dying and offered advice so he should at least act like a protagonist and try to help him. How heartless is he just standing by whilst this cute as button creation of Konami�s gets turned into sludge? What an asshole. Even after I�d injured Hatori�s eye, I didn�t just stand around staring at him like a huge knob! I at least had the decency to act concerned and then blame it on somebody else. Maybe Eike�ll blame it on Mary Sue and send her insane? If this isn�t horrific enough we get a shot of Mary Sue burying her head into Eike�s arm as she holds onto him. You�re both stupid assholes! Shenai is beating her fists against the screen and crying, despite the fact that she has witnessed this scene a thousand and one times before. I guess the grief is still too close for her. By now there is a huge pool of steaming Crimson Mud Gunk beneath Homy�s feet and he falls to his knees unable to keep standing anymore. It�s obvious he is in very extreme pain. I can tell from the way he�s screaming. But yet, this isn�t enough for those bastard game designers, oh no. In case we haven�t been insulted enough they have to show Homy withering away, getting skinnier and skinnier until he looks like Rinoa in the dance scene in FF8. I am of course referring to the toothpick legs. Homy�s limbs and even his, until recently cute head, look like toothpicks. This makes baby Jesus cry. And me. And Shenai. To name a few. Homy lets out a withering groan before melting away completely into the steaming goop, and there is darkness throughout the land of Egypt.)

Mary Sue: (Still quivering behind Eike like a little bitch.) What happened...?

Eike: (Too ashamed to admit he�s a clumsy butter fingers with zero hand eye coordination.) I think it was... destiny. (What the fuck ever, Eike. And for the record, he doesn�t sound nearly as concerned as the situation warrant�s, the frigid little jade.)

(The game designers feel like pouring a little Tabasco sauce in our open wounds, so we get another lovely shot of the Crimson Mud Gunk gurgling along the road and into the concrete, gradually disappearing. This drives home the fact that Homy really is dead and gone forever. Well, I hope you�re fucking happy Konami, I really do. After all that hard fanservicing work he did for you, how do you repay him? You kill him. One of two cool character�s this game had and you got rid of both of them in the last five minutes. You giant pig humping asshats. I damn you all to the bowels of Hell. And that�s just what NaPap said to write. You don�t even want to know what I think of you right now.)

Eike: (Watching the goop slide away into nothing.) Maybe fate decided his life would end this day.... (Maybe you�re just a fucking butterfingers who should be more careful with other peoples possessions you big choad. Another pan out shot of the goop bubbling and boiling and then the scene fades out, leaving me feeling as though I have been brutally violated with an iron pole smeared with deep heat. ... Actually no, I take that back. It feels much more worse then that. Shenai�s trying to strangle herself with the controller cord so I guess I�d better wrap this chapter up as soon as possible and spare us both any further pain.

The scene opens up in Lebensraum during the daytime. I�m assuming it�s a few months after the horrific... �Occurrence� we were just forced to witness. But the torture isn�t over yet. This time we are "treated" to a "lovely" shot of Mary Sue running along a road ahead of Eike then turning to look at him. She has undergone some serious alterations, but nothing too drastic like Homy�s breast implants although I wouldn�t put it past her. She�s wearing a tight pair of black jeans and a red turtle neck top. What is it with people wearing turtle necks in this game? However, if her attire doesn�t offend you enough, the little witch has completely crossed the line and has cut her hair. Short. Real short. Homy short. And styled almost exactly the same way. I bet if she could have figured out how to make her bangs stick out Samurai Sword style she would have done that too. She�s such a fucking try hard and the sad thing is, Eike seems to be all over that. I�m going to pretend for the sake of my sanity and lunch, that he only digs it because it makes her look like Homy and deep down he still loves him, because the alternative, being him liking Mary Sue, makes me want to stab myself repeatedly in the head with a pen. Mary Sue has a few shopping bags over one shoulder and Eike smiles at her as she turns to run back and walk beside him. Oh gag me.)

Eike voice over: Soon afterwards, Margarete was adopted by the Eckart�s. (Okay, the girl�s like what, 20, I think Homy said. This is just sad. She�s fucking old enough to live on her own now!) You could say that she finally came home....

(The camera pans down on the Square to show a huge tree growing in the center of it. This indicates further creepiness since we all know Eike got rid of that mother fucker back in Chapter 2. Eike and Mary Sue walk up to it, then there is a close up of the latter examining it and I discover something so horrifying, I almost kill myself right then and now. She looks like me... Tomorrow I think I�m going to dye my hair blonde and spike it up Cloud style. Anything to make the similarity go away! Eek! It�s the eyes too! The mother fucking eyes look the same as mine too! Different color though, thank God. Actually, I now have no qualms about Shenai comparing me to Homy. It�s quite a compliment now that I think about it. And it�s not Mary Sue at the very least.)

Mary Sue: It�s such a tall tree... was it here before. (My head hurts from banging it on my desk so hard.)

Eike: No�I think this is where he.... (�He?� So impersonal now aren�t we Eike?) Did the stone do this...? (I don�t think a stone could plant a tree on it�s own Eike.) Is the tree here because the Philosopher�s Stone gave up it�s energy...? (Eike wanders up to the tree, examining the trunk as though expecting to find �Homy4Eike4EVA� carved into the wood.) ...hey.... What is this? (Starts pulling and tugging at something on the tree trunk. Do I even wanna know?)

Mary Sue: (Ambles up beside him.) What?

(Eike pulls back his hand revealing the Philosopher�s Stone. He and Mary Sue both stare at it in shock as I silently rejoice at the fact that maybe Homy isn�t really dead and gone forever. Not that we ever get to find out on this ending. There is a final shot of the stone sitting in Eike�s hand and on that note the scene ends and the game is over. At least, for Ending A. The credits roll and I skip all those to open up the Ending A wallpaper shot. It�s of Mary Sue, rejoicing with her shopping bags and showing way too much of her stomach. Thankyou so much game designers for slipping in that last piece of fanservice, just thank you so fucking much. The writing on the last screen is as follows: Ending A.

"And so my strange experience has come to an end."

(Fade to black, end Ending A. Would I like to save my data now? No I do not because all the other endings have to be written too. But ladies and gentleman this is where my journey ends. It�s been a good run, but I have suffered all the pain I can possibly handle and I now leave the rest of the endings in the capable hands of Shenai. ...Okay, so maybe she doesn�t do the word �capable� justice. But she�ll be taking over from here now. As for me I�ve had it, I�m done. Completely and utterly drained of all good feelings. Diminished, a former shell of my once proud self, destroyed, annihilated. Now I get why Shenai wanted me to do this ending because it probably would have killed her to write it out in detail. I am now going to have to go and do something nice for myself like take a scalding hot shower and scrub my epidermis off with a wire brush. Before I go however, I have compiled one last quiz for you since I�m such a nice person. (Cough.) Be sure to answer honestly.
Quiz 10: What was the worst thing about Ending A?

Homy dying. There are few things in the world worse then that.

Mary Sue living and remaining in the 21^st century. We shouldn�t have to suffer from Eike�s mistakes.

Hugo and Homy, the only two cool characters being killed off, whilst the two wanky characters got to live.

The fact that Mary Sue looked like Homy and Akito.

Having to see too much of Mary Sue�s belly button.

Eike�s stupid fucking butterfingers.

There wasn�t enough fanservice.

The knowledge that inevitably, Eike and Mary Sue will get together and have kids whose intelligence genes will be even more recessive. Dear fucking God no.

Eike didn�t get with Dana.

Eike didn�t get with Homy.

The Dr. Wagner clones "I�m going to rape you little boy" grin.

Homy didn�t get to do ballet.

Homy died looking like an anorexic toothpick. This was not cool.

Fuck, the whole chapter pretty much sucked. I can�t pick just one thing.

(And I don�t care what they themselves have to say about the topic but Konami most definitely owe me a Eike/Homy sex scene after having to see that. But until that day comes I suggest that myself and anyone who had to read or witness that scene go into some extensive therapy involving lots of chocolate, scalding hot showers and wire brushes. Oh and for me personally: lots and lots of sex. Lots of kinky, wild passionate sex involving ice-cream flavored lube, body chocolate and my whip. This will help to rid the mind of all the horrid things I�ve seen. If you however feel too dirty to even think about sex, I recommend taking a vow of celibacy. I hear it works wonders.)

Sayonara!
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Shadow of Destiny: The script of sarcasm