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.Things Skippy the Dwarf can't do in the dungeon	By : keithcompany Category: +A through F > Dungeons & Dragons Views: 8444 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Dungeons & Dragons, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Things Skippy the Dwarf can't do in the dungeon
- 1
The author is not making any kind of profit from this fanfic. This work is my own. Do not repost this story beyond the limits of the Fair Use standards of Copyright Law (quotes, examples, ‘you gotta read this’ excerpts, the usual).
This list was inspired by the list 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The US Army (http://www.skippyslist.com) which has appeared in various places and been sent to me in more than one E-mail. I made this stuff up, or had help. I hope you enjoy this list, and the original.
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Things Skippy the Dwarf Fighter has learned or been told while dungeon delving, or is no longer allowed to do while delving. Dwarf Snorri Snorrison son of Snorrison’s son ('Skippy' to friends and enemies alike), has been a party member of the “Lost Empire” campaign for several years. His adventuring behavior has been corrected from time to time, for not being appropriate for a dungeon delve. The list is almost entirely composed of The Word he was given as a response to an action or event he was involved with.
1. After the “Dark Vessel” adventure, everyone who ever loved me is dead. I’m not allowed to brag about that anymore.
2. Aftershave is not to be applied with a putty knife.
3. Although I do think I could do a better job and I would like to lead, these questions usually turn out not to be sincere.
4. Anything I say after ‘it’s worth noting’ is usually not interesting to anyone else in the party.
5. Basilisks cannot be hypnotized by winning a staring contest with them.
6. Battle axes are not the sniper’s weapon of choice so I should get off the roof and engage the enemy.
7. Battle axes don’t have a stun setting. 8. Clerics can move in all directions, not just diagonally.
9. Clerics that are dragged to a tavern for a night of celebratory quaffing should be returned to their devotions within 4 to 6 working days (or within two High Holy Days, whichever comes first).
10. Dark Gods require virgin sacrifices, incantations do not require virgin spell components. It is wrong to ask the mage how he knows his frog’s eyes come from a virgin frog.
11. Draft horses are not missile weapons.
12. Dragon breath is not funny.
13. Dragons do not dispense their hoard in lotteries, and there’s no way I ‘may already be a winner.’
14. ’Dropping Trou” is not a fighter class ‘special attack.’
15. Elf ears do not require sharpening.
16. For all that he’s an illiterate man, the seneschal can read me like a book.
17. For customs inspectors, “Declare” has a specific meaning that does not involve reciting my heritage back to the ‘Time Of Troubles.’
18. Get down off the altar.
19. Gifts from The Gods do not come with an exchange coupon for Harrod’s Merchantile and Chandler shop.
20. God-calls are not protected as Free Speech.
21. He did not ‘start it.’
22. He is not kidding.
23. He is not on “my side of the dungeon.”
24. He really means it this time.
25. Holy Relics of Fantastic Power do not have a shelf-life date.
26. ’Hungry’ is not an alignment.
27. Neither is ‘stupid,’ but in my case, they’re willing to make an exception.
28. I am not allowed to make explosives, even if I do have all the supplies.
29. I am not allowed to render any member of my party to obtain those supplies.
30. I am not the default love interest and should stay away from any non-dwarf royalty we encounter.
31. I am not the evil twin, but only because I don’t have a twin.
32. I am not the Grey Poupon distributor for the kingdom, and I cannot ladle it onto the illusionist and offer him to dragons as a free sample.
33. I am not the Grey Poupon distributor for the kingdom, and I should stop giving dragons a discount on the stuff.
34. I am not the rightful heir to the Burger King, I’m just telling a whopper.
35. I cannot improve my defenses by writing “-10 Armor Class” on my shirt.
36. I don’t get to keep chaotic monsters that followed me home unless I intend to skin them.
37. I don’t know what I was thinking when I said the longbowman was ‘out of ammo’ after six shots.
38. I don’t want you to turn this adventure around.
39. I should stop screaming about ‘the power of grayskull’ and take cover from the crossbows.
40. I should stop writing ‘Bite Me’ in orcish on my party leader’s shield.
41. Must stop writing ANYTHING in orcish on party members’ shields.
42. “I was bored” is not an excuse for anything done with a loaded ballista. 43. I was not placed in charge of the prisoners so that I could slaughter them and ‘the paladin wouldn’t get his hands dirty.’
44. I was not seduced by the Demon Queen of Pormax, and the scars from that adventure are not ‘love tattoos.’
45. If I sing “I’m A Lumberjack and I’m Okay” just one more time, they’re gonna make me eat my axe.
46. If it looked like a duck, quacked like a duck, and tasted like a duck, but had a collar indicating it’s sacred to a local goddess, we should skip dessert and start running.
47. In joining a group of adventurers, the party leader does actually become the boss of me, and I should respond accordingly in combat.
48. In my case, ‘innocent until proven guilty’ is an offense against the gods.
49. In my case, an aphorism indicating ‘that’s when you find out who your friends really are’ is just noise in the wind.
50. Inquisitors have no sense of humor. They also don’t like this fact pointed out to them.
51. It is wrong to greet Inquisitors by shouting ‘stick to the story!’ to other party members.
52. It is not motivational to talk about adventure parties that died in situations “just like this.”
53. It is so my fault.
54. It is wrong to enhance my codpiece for dramatic effect.
55. It is wrong to make the evil sorceress cry by mentioning her biological clock, ticking away.
56. The cleric feels it is wrong to behead someone who’s crying. Noted.
57. It is wrong to splice centerfolds into the mage’s grimoires.
58. It is wrong to tell dying heroes they’ve been downsized and their valuables seized.
59. It is wrong to use exploding shuriken to gather firewood when there’s a Druid in the party.
60. It is wrong to write ‘First come, first serve’ on the wagon when we’re hired to protect the tax collector.
61. It would not have worked if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
62. It’s a Monarchy based on Oral Law. There is no Free Speech.
63. It’s never too early to tell the others where I packed the healing potions.
64. Labels on the vials of potions are not the sign of a weak mind, they’re really a good idea.
65. Labels on the vials of potions should be popular names in a common tongue, not pictionary graphics.
66. Evidently I cannot draw a clear ‘healer’ to save my life.
67. It’s not important who’s right and who’s wrong as long ast the party leader is right.
68. Jousting is the sport of knights on horseback, not dwarves on dining tables.
69. Kilroy was NOT here and he’d better stop putting graffiti in the castle.
70. Knowing how to burp fire and NEEDING to burp fire are two different things.
71. Knowing three swear words in thieves cant does not make me a dual class fighter/thief.
72. Leave the animation of the dead to professionals.
73. Leave the noble art of chiurgery to the professionals.
74. Magic wands do not experience ‘recoil’ so I don’t need to brace the short-skirted sorceress every time she casts a spell.
75. Membership in the waterferryman’s guild does not allow me to charge passengers for space on a lifeboat.
76. Mirrored sun glasses are not period ware.
77. Missile weapons and alcohol don't mix.
78. Most characters that claim to be invincible don’t understand what the word means.
79. Must never use the word ‘wanker’ within 50 feet of a cleric attempting to invoke or influence her deity.
80. Must not delay the party’s attack on the fire dragon while I ‘get the s’mores ready.’
81. Must not hire an soapmaker to make a half-ton cake of soap, attach axles, and drive it to the king’s castle as a gift ‘from concerned friends.’
82. Ditto the alchemist, half ton breathmint, the queen, ‘loving but scandalised subjects.’
83. Must not hire ladies of negotiable affections to follow the cleric back to his temple and commend him to the bishop for the sexual healing he performed.
84. Must not make fun of high-level dark knights who run their own country
85. ...even if their knight order is named after a flower.
86. Must not tell the Amazon she needs to get laid.
87. REALLY must not tell the barbarian fighter that the Amazon needs to get laid.
88. Must not throw sliced fruit into gelatinous cubes and call it Jello.
89. Must not throw the NPC’s into flame traps to ‘see them sparkle.’
90. Must put the battle axe down before performing the ancient dwarven victory rite of ‘The Barbie Girl Dance.’
91. Must remember that the time to point out flaws in the strategy is BEFORE we enter the Dark Abyss of Eternal Peril.
92. Must stop asking if he’s making it up as we go along.
93. Must stop telling the goblins ‘You might be a redneck if…’
94. Must stop trying to crossbreed the mage’s familiar with the packmule.
95. Must stop trying to get the packmules to take loyalty oaths.
96. Must stop using the cliché: “Fools gold spends just like real gold in an election year!”
97. Mustn’t wear my ‘tour guide’ cap when we’re forced to return to a dungeon for something we forgot.
98. Not allowed to describe the colorful history of a dungeon if that history was one of our previous adventures.
99. My horoscope for today does NOT say ‘it’ll be a cold day in hell before I take point.’
100. My mithril long johns do not grant me power over space, time and reality.
101. My operatives will not avenge my death and none of them are vulcans.
102. My primary weapon is not a two-handed shield.
103. Never answer the question ‘what else could go wrong’ while the GameMaster is in the room.
104. Never ask a wizard if they’d rather be a ‘real man.’
105. Next time I make that old joke about ‘poison canyon…one drop will kill you!’ they’re throwing me off the bridge.
106. Next time we run out of torches because I used three of them to light my farts, they’re going to set fire to my beard.
107. No character class has ‘can o’ whup ass’ as a weapon of proficiency.
108. No longer allowed to ask the half-orc where Beavis is. The Oracle told him all about Beavis.
109. No more Mr. Nice Barbarian.
110. No one cares how they did it in the old, old, old days.
111. No one is interested in how I keep my beard so glossy.
112. No one is interested in who I’m going to hire as my court fool when I am finally rich beyond dreams of avarice.
113. No one wants to guess what’s in my beard.
114. No one wants to hear about ‘the lamentation of their women’ from someone that’s knee-high to a ….well, to everyone.
115. No one wants to hear me go on about what they do to you in the drive-through.
116. No one wants to help me look for my invisible friend.
117. No one wants to know how the fight would have gone if we were playing with a different rules system.
118. No one wants to know HOW the velociraptor happened into the prioress’ wine cellar, they just expect me to get it out.
119. No one wants to see a dwarf do a table dance.
120. No specialty action performed by the thief is improved or enhanced by jostling his elbow and telling him to ‘get on with it.’
121. This goes more than double for a visit to the alchemist.
122. Not allowed to ask Death to prove he’s really Death.
123. Not allowed to beat out the ‘In A Gada Da Vida’ drum solo on the paladin’s breastplate.
124. Not allowed to carry the shoulder-fired catapult indoors every again.
125. Not allowed to chop an orc’s arm off, then carry it on my shoulder as my ‘familiar.’
126. Not allowed to confess my sins to the monk in the party. He’s not interested, and he’s not that kind of monk.
127. Not allowed to cut the ranger’s warrior braid and leave clippings to mark our passage through the maze.
128. Not allowed to get thunder gods drunk in civilized areas.
129. Not allowed to give wounded comrades a hearty ‘pre-cardial thump’ before medical treatment is applied. Especially when wearing Gauntlets of Storm Giant Strength.
130. Not allowed to go on ‘strike’ in the middle of combat.
131. Not allowed to grant asylum to beserkers.
132. Not allowed to have Near Death Experiences when I’m not the one that nearly died.
133. Not allowed to hire bards to sing about the party leader’s failures in every freaking bar, tavern or inn in the kingdom.
134. Not allowed to hire someone to make marionnettes of the party so I can restage our last adventure at the next tavern.
135. Not allowed to hire a voodoo priestess to make marionnettes of the party so I can run our next adventure by remote control.
136. Not allowed to interrogate the thief in the party about crimes committed in faery tales.
137. Not allowed to open the drawbridge during a siege even if the enemy promises to let the pizza delivery elf through.
138. Not allowed to order were-chihuahua chili in the tavern any more never again no way no how.
139. Not allowed to eat any flavor of chili less than 6 hours before entering a dungeon or any other poorly ventilated space.
140. Not allowed to organize minotaur rodeos.
141. Not allowed to paint ‘I’m with stupid’ on my shield.
142. Not allowed to shout ‘CLEAR!’ every time the cleric starts to heal someone.
143. Not allowed to sign the cleric’s name, in blood, on a contract offered by a guy whose eyeballs burn with an inner light.
144. Not allowed to snicker when the seneschal introduces the party leader to the king.
145. Not allowed to spoil surprise attacks by telling the orc platoon they should leave before they get roughed up.
146. Not allowed to start wearing taffeta over my armor and calling myself Rapunzel, Queen of the May.
147. Not allowed to suggest ‘much better’ riddles to the sphinx.
148. Not allowed to take fallen comrades to the taxiderist, even if I SWEAR it’ll be a tasteful pose.
149. No one wants to discuss my idea of what’s ‘tasteful.’
150. Not allowed to teach obscene exclamations to the fighter’s talking sword.
151. Not allowed to tell the paladin how sexy he looks in that armor.
152. Never allowed to tell the Amazon how sexy she looks.
153. Not allowed to throw cave rats at the back of the party leader’s head and blame the wizard.
154. Not to repeat the Barbarian’s comments on the usefulness of women adventurers to the cleric while she’s treating his wounds.
155. Oh, stop screaming.
156. Our druid has never decided a wounded party member was beyond help and turned first-aid into a sacrifice to The Dark One. Well, not anymore.
157. Paladin party leaders don’t have to explain all command decisions, especially to chaotic stupid dwarves.
158. Putting cotton in my ears does not make me move silently in plate armor.
159. Religious tracts should not be handed out every time we meet a party of orcs.
160. Rescuers are there to rescue, not to shout about the cavalry to the rescue, or inquire who ordered extra cheese with anchovies.
161. She’s not playing with me.
162. Stop adding the notation ‘forbidden zone’ to the maps at random.
163. Stop chanting ‘hobbits are the enemy.’
164. The bishop is not a hood ornament and when he stops screaming I should untie him.
165. The cleric did not join the party so as to discuss orthodox versus reformed theology with respect to the question of whether toothbrushes clean the souls of our teeth.
166. The Happy Hunting Grounds do not have a ‘black tie’ policy.
167. The Healer is a cleric, not a paracleric.
168. The Paladin’s horse is off limits to anyone with a meat cleaver and a bottle of bar-b-q sauce.
169. The party wizard is not undead, and I must stop congratulating him for ‘passing’ as a living being.
170. The phrase ‘can’t possibly miss’ is way overused.
171. The wages of sin are NOT ‘heaps and heaps of slightly smelly treasure.’
172. There is no instant replay in the dungeon, and the refs will not vindicate my actions.
173. There is no ominous “background music” telling me the monster’s getting closer.
174. There is no save versus ‘being an inbred jackass’ and I must stop consoling the cavalier on his fumble.
175. There is no such language as pig-druid, so stop practicing it.
176. There is nothing under the sorcerer’s gown that is of any interest to a fellow party member.
177. There’s no such thing as a Dwarven Death Grip.
178. Throwing halflings off a cliff to see how big a splat they make is not a competetive sport.
179. Not allowed to spend time on watch developing a scoring system for halfling-splat.
180. Treason's such a harsh word.
181. Triage catagories are not (1) Me, (2) You all, I guess, and (3) Those other geeks.
182. Triage is performed according to the nature of the wounds, not the amount of gold they’re carrying.
183. Turns out, the Ranger DOES care what his deity-gift magical arrow was last fired at.
184. Turns out, when I’m told ‘you wouldn’t dare’ they’re usually wrong.
185. Twenty seven lice in my hair and beard do not qualify me as a leader of a guerilla army of infiltration specialists.
186. Under most circumstances, no one cares to see how many gold pieces I can fit into a goblin’s skull.
187. Unloaded crossbows should not be fired in jest.
188. Valhalla is not the final destination of those that die owing more than a million gold to creditors.
189. Violating treaties is not an ‘icebreaker’ for diplomatic missions.
190. Voices in my head are not ‘in a position to know.’
191. War cries should be shouted, not delivered by messenger or sung by off-side cheerleaders.
192. We did not recruit the halfling just in case we need a virgin sacrifice. Stop telling him that.
193. We do not delay returning the princess to the king in order to solicit competing bids.
194. We do not run credit checks on royalty when hired to rescue the princess.
195. We do not shout ‘Circle of Life, Dude!’ and leave the wounded behind.
196. We will not laugh about all of this in a year or two.
197. We’re here to kill orcs, not moon them.
198. When a party member is beset by multiple opponents, I will render all possible aid. I will never again stand by, telling the rest of the party ‘He needs to prove himself against the Dragon…and his own fears.’
199. When carrying the wounded half-orc back to camp, I should not cut him in two to save the human half first.
200. When cave bears hit cave bears it means love. When cave bears hit party members it means war, and I should not shout ‘get a room, you two!’
201. When Death lets us challenge him in order to stay alive, we will pick a board game, not Whack A Toad.
202. When small harmless people shapechange to large slavering monsters, my most immediate reaction is not to try to calculate just how much mass seems to have been hidden/ignored in the transformation.
203. When someone says ‘It’s Over,’ not allowed to tell the cleric it’s her cue to sing.
204. When someone says ‘some of you, and you know who you are’ everyone in the party knows they’re looking at me.
205. When the Oracle offers us the answers to any three questions, not allowed to pull out my Zen For Dummies book and ask about one 1 hand clapping.
206. When the party leader is hanging from the face of the cliff, I must find a rope before starting a ‘how long can he hold on’ pool.
207. When the reptiloids are sacrificing to their dark gods, and they don’t know where the heart is on an elf, I should not whip out a grease pencil and provide visual aids.
208. When they say "over my dead body" i should assume it's hyperbole until proven to be literal, not the other way around.
209. When they say ‘fire at will’ they don’t mean Lord William.
210. Wrong to tell the cleric she has exceeded her daily limit on whining.
211. Xylophone music is not required in order to fight skeletons.
212. Yes, the hierophant does worship Lacedos God of Light, I should stop asking.
213. Yes, there really are such things as innocent bystanders.
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.Things Skippy the Dwarf can't do in the dungeon